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Original poster

Just found out he is £30k in debt.

96 replies

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 10:38

NC as I don’t want anyone in RL to know..

Woke up this morning after a really weird dream, DH had a CCJ against him from some work he had done. He said he was juggling two jobs and it meant they weren’t up to standard. I woke up but then nodded back off and the dream continued but turned out to be a scam.

However, something just didn’t sit right, so I decided to check his credit file.

No CCJ, but £30k of debt over loans and credit cards over the last 3 years!

He is keeping up with payments, and there doesn’t appear to be any missed, but a few of these are pay day loans which I think are being paid and renewed.

Going forward, I want to help him get a plan together so I need to make him aware that I have checked. We have no joint accounts, we are only recently married, although together 10 years.

Next year, I will likely be taking a year unpaid to pursue my career which the following year will increase my income now by around £8k, so long term, is the best thing to do.

There are 10 loans and 10 credit cards.

I am loosely aware of Dave Ramsey and snowballing, but would you suggest I take on the lowest 5 as my contribution and he focus on the next 5? Do I start with lowest and him with highest? I could use my savings to clear £10k of it, but that would wipe me out completely and I am trying to build it up for next year if I do need to be without an income.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 26/10/2023 11:23

DogInATent · 26/10/2023 11:21

However, something just didn’t sit right, so I decided to check his credit file.

You ran a credit check on your DH? How did you manage that?

There are websites, Experian etc, all you need is name and DOB and an email address to send the results too. Easy if you know someone enough to marry them.

youveturnedupwelldone · 26/10/2023 11:24

I'm another in the don't pay it off for him camp. It will be interesting for you to understand how he's accrued the debt. I would ask for statements.

It's perfectly possible if he's got a payday loan habit that a lot of it is interest - but accumulating £30k takes some doing regardless. I'd want to look at some statements myself.

As for his plan to pay it off - I'm going to guess it will be hard for him to do that without defaulting, and also that as there is a struggling business he's effectively using one card to pay another. I used to administer bankruptcies - that is a sign things are irrecoverable. He needs to contact a debt charity for advice.

Another thing- don't do all the work for him. HE needs to contact eg stepchange, HE needs to work out his repayment plan albeit with your support. If he isn't not committed then the debt will not get repaid.

Do not financially link yourself to this man any more than you may be (joint bank account?) and do not take out credit on his behalf or use your savings. He will most likely use the credit facilities again.

And before someone comes along and says his debt is your debt because you are married - this is not true.

strawberry2017 · 26/10/2023 11:25

So debts and lies and you have only just got married.
Not a good start.
He's going to drag you down with him.
He needs professional help to get himself out of this mess

BarbaraofSeville · 26/10/2023 11:28

You say he was impacted by COVID, is he back up to normal earnings now? You also need to find out if he's up to date with paying his taxes or that's another problem to face.

Are the balances reducing? You need to work out what it is costing and can he get out of debt in a cost effective way in a reasonable time without too much lifestyle detriment, ie he should be able to continue to contribute towards normal household expenses.

If not, it may be worth him entering into a formal debt relief solution. But I don't understand how you didn't know he was in so much debt - if he's paying it off it will have a significant impact on how much money he has for living costs.

PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 11:29

See an experienced family solicitor and walk away from this mess.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/10/2023 11:32

OP have a look at this - walks you through setting a budget, cutting costs and signposting to appropriate debt help if needed.

Free debt advice: what to do & where to get help - MSE (moneysavingexpert.com)

But as a self employed person, I reiterate the importance of him keeping up with his tax payments or else it could get really messy.

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:34

He already has an account with ClearScore so I just signed in… not my smartest move but still.

I do honestly believe it was a case of using one to pay the other and so forth but until I have spoken to him I can’t be sure.

I came here for advice from someone impartial and that is what I have got so thank you.

For the poster who commented on why I was focusing on debt and not why he lied/kept it from me, sorry I can’t remember your name and it won’t scroll back to the next page without losing what I’ve typed, it is because that is not the issue I asked for advice on. It is a separate issue and is certainly one that will be getting dealt with. Please don’t think I am brushing it under the carpet.

OP posts:
something2say · 26/10/2023 11:35

It must be a massive shock.

It will be interesting to see what he says - 'God what a relief, I've been hating hiding this from you. Yes it was all in Covid and yes I'm willing to do anything to pay it off.' That's your best hope I think.

My bit of personal story is that I met a LOVELY man, one of my best boyfriends in terms of the love he gave, BUT he had £20K of debt when I met him and I should have realised that he was tolerant of that spending level and debt, whereas I absolutely am not. We got engaged but not married and I kept my assets mine. He paid the lot off. When we split, he went back to his old ways. Fundamentally we had a different approach to money and I placed myself at risk by overlooking this red flag. He only paid it off because of me nagging him and facilitating it. On his own he is back in debt.

You might be better off divorcing and staying together while he pays it all off. It depends on what his approach is to having hidden it - and therefore what you've got in store for your future - not knowing but being liable, and being at risk and not safe with him. What a nob he has been by not telling you.

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:36

Tax payments are up to date, he filed this years in August instead of January so he is on the ball with that.

OP posts:
Humblebottomous · 26/10/2023 11:37

My advice: leave him

DogInATent · 26/10/2023 11:37

Doggymummar · 26/10/2023 11:23

There are websites, Experian etc, all you need is name and DOB and an email address to send the results too. Easy if you know someone enough to marry them.

Show quote history

Easy doesn't make it legal.

PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 11:42

PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 11:29

See an experienced family solicitor and walk away from this mess.

I've read your updates and I still think you'd be happier if you walked 💐

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:43

@DogInATent

Like I said, not my best move.. he already had the account though with them. All I did was log in..

OP posts:
AxolotlEars · 26/10/2023 11:44

He needs proper debt advice

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:45

@PaminaMozart, thank you. I do appreciate your honesty. How things pan out depend on how this conversation goes this evening. I’ve a few hours to get my thoughts in order.

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 26/10/2023 11:46

Do not offer to pay towards it. I also wouldn't be making sacrifices to my standard of living either.

I have £30k+ debts from house renovations but they are easily manageable and I'm not taking on any additional debt until they are paid off. The fact he is renewing them is concerning, is he taking out more?

He sells his stuff, he lives frugally and gets it paid back asap and move as much as possible on to a lower interest rate loan. First Direct do pretty low interest loans but you may need to swap current account to them.

The free Debt repayment app is great (icon is a white bird, blue background), input all the debts and their interest rates and it shows which ones to payback first and how much to know off of each one. Seeing it might keep it more in mind and make him more accountable.

DogInATent · 26/10/2023 11:46

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:43

@DogInATent

Like I said, not my best move.. he already had the account though with them. All I did was log in..

You're just being devious, and it'll be interesting to hear what his reaction is to snooping on his phone.

But @Doggymummar suggested running a credit check from scratch by impersonating the target. And that's illegal, immoral, and totally normal for Mumsnet.

LubaLuca · 26/10/2023 11:47

I'd be very careful to go straight to the financial saviour role here.

Some of my work involves investigating situations such as your husband's, and I don't think I've ever seen someone keep debt hidden in order to protect their partner, it is invariably to protect their secret (failing business, gambling, secret lifestyle...).

Make sure you know what's been going on before you get involved with a bailout.

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:51

@DogInATent not snooping on his phone, logged in from the shared computer, which funnily enough passwords saved. I didn’t even need to guess his password, but I reckon if I wanted to, I could get it first attempt.

@Doggymummar was, I think, responding to your comment about how it could be done. I later replied with how I did it. And yes, I still hold my hands up and say it was not my best move, however it is done now and I think most on here would agree it was the right thing for me to have to done.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 11:53

From what I can see, the total balances are decreasing, and funnily enough his credit score increased this month 😂.

All I have is a snapshot, there is obviously more to unpick, which is what I hope to do this evening.

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 26/10/2023 11:53

I took my exh's bank card to the cashpoint for a mini statement... Ended our marriage the next morning via text.... People have a hunch for a reason. Good on you op.. Before it was 60 k...

Venturini · 26/10/2023 11:56

Don’t walk, run.

AsanteSana · 26/10/2023 11:59

Do not, repeat, do not pay a penny towards his debts:
Concentrate on keeping your own side of the street clean, lest, in attempting to clear up another''s mess, you wrar out your broom!

AsanteSana · 26/10/2023 12:00

"Wear out your broom" that should read

Candleabra · 26/10/2023 12:01

Don’t take his debts on. A similar thing happened to my friend. Husband racked up huge debts on CC. Wrecked his credit rating. She took out low interest loans in her name only to get the best rates. Long marriage. In it together etc. When they eventually divorced he wouldn’t acknowledge the debt for the financial settlement and of course all the loan paperwork was in her name only. Utterly screwed her. Bastard.