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Original poster

Just found out he is £30k in debt.

96 replies

ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 10:38

NC as I don’t want anyone in RL to know..

Woke up this morning after a really weird dream, DH had a CCJ against him from some work he had done. He said he was juggling two jobs and it meant they weren’t up to standard. I woke up but then nodded back off and the dream continued but turned out to be a scam.

However, something just didn’t sit right, so I decided to check his credit file.

No CCJ, but £30k of debt over loans and credit cards over the last 3 years!

He is keeping up with payments, and there doesn’t appear to be any missed, but a few of these are pay day loans which I think are being paid and renewed.

Going forward, I want to help him get a plan together so I need to make him aware that I have checked. We have no joint accounts, we are only recently married, although together 10 years.

Next year, I will likely be taking a year unpaid to pursue my career which the following year will increase my income now by around £8k, so long term, is the best thing to do.

There are 10 loans and 10 credit cards.

I am loosely aware of Dave Ramsey and snowballing, but would you suggest I take on the lowest 5 as my contribution and he focus on the next 5? Do I start with lowest and him with highest? I could use my savings to clear £10k of it, but that would wipe me out completely and I am trying to build it up for next year if I do need to be without an income.

Any advice?

OP posts:
RuthW · 26/10/2023 12:01

I really feel for you. The exact thing happened to me, only the money had been spent on keeping another woman. Good luck.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 26/10/2023 12:02

Not your circus, not your monkeys. Seriously.

He has to be the one to sort this out, and I would suggest he sees a debt management professional that can help him take control of it. Agree together to check his credit score every 6 months until he is obviously gaining ground. And be very prepared to walk away if he can't stop spending.

Ultimately he has to stop spending money that he doesn't have. Payday loans are financial suicide.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 12:04

The thing is that even if you don't help him financially, you lose out financially because he'll have hardly any money. That means you'll either have to eat and live very very cheaply or you will have to fund it.

He should have been able to speak to you at the time. Why did he marry someone he couldn't confide in? Does he confide in anyone?

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2023 12:05

We can definitely reduce outgoings on shopping/eating out. Possibly quite a lot he could sell too if I was to be totally honest.

Stop.

Why would you do this to yourself, especially as you've been here before? Living a miserable life, selling what you can, to get him out of debt.

I understand he was in a challenging situation. But he lied. Got into debt. Kept it secret. This is a massive betrayal.

EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2023 12:07

LubaLuca · 26/10/2023 11:47

I'd be very careful to go straight to the financial saviour role here.

Some of my work involves investigating situations such as your husband's, and I don't think I've ever seen someone keep debt hidden in order to protect their partner, it is invariably to protect their secret (failing business, gambling, secret lifestyle...).

Make sure you know what's been going on before you get involved with a bailout.

Very wise advice.

Even without helping him financially, sorting it all out for him is not a good idea. (I did this. It just freed him up to do similar - and worse - stuff for another decade. Financially, he ruined my life)

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/10/2023 12:14

This would be a deal breaker for me.

If you decide not then he needs to be fully open, any plan he puts forward need to be one where he pays the money back and not you effectively subsidising him so it's really you who is paying this off.

He needs advice from a professional, it's not like he has a credit record to preserve because that must be wrecked already.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 12:17

So if he has things he can sell, are they things he bought on credit? That puts a different picture on things - I thought he was throwing money at a failing business. What are the things he can sell?

oreo2020 · 26/10/2023 12:19

No further advice from everything that has already been said here. My personal story, my exH took a number of credit cards and loans at one point unbeknownst to me. I had a house under my name and 2 DC with him. When I found out, I pressed for postnuptial agreement as I wanted to protect the house. We have divorced since, the debts stayed with him and I got my house in the settlement. He has cleared his debts since and changed the attitude towards altogether. Not all is lost in your case, but he has to man up and come up with a plan rather than you arranging everything for him.

Whinge · 26/10/2023 12:20

For the poster who commented on why I was focusing on debt and not why he lied/kept it from me, sorry I can’t remember your name and it won’t scroll back to the next page without losing what I’ve typed, it is because that is not the issue I asked for advice on. It is a separate issue and is certainly one that will be getting dealt with. Please don’t think I am brushing it under the carpet.

It was me and I really don't think the lying should be considered a separate issue. In your circumstances it's a huge part of the situation. You married a man who was hiding 30k of debt from you. That's a huge betrayal.

I could support and help a partner who was open about their financial struggles. But someone who had been in a relationship with for 10+ years, who married me without declaring a 30k debt, especially knowing the history of financial abuse and your Ex. That's unforgivable and I would have to walk away as I would never be able to trust them again.

InSpainTheRain · 26/10/2023 12:21

Do not take on his debt! That would be ridiculous - it also means he learns nothing. For him to get out of debt and stay out of it he will need to want to be part of the plan - and he may not (so be prepared for that). You should keep finances separate and ensure you are saving in your name and ensure he cannot access it.

However, having said that I'd be splitting up with him - because he has married you and not told you the full picture of his circumstances and it's unlikely he'll change, you'll end the relationship in a few years' time in debt is my guess (Sorry - but that's what I have seen before).

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 12:22

Things he could sell would be clothes, coats etc. No extravagant purchases for items to sell, he just has a lot of stuff that’s been accumulated. Probably not worth much.

I won’t be selling any of my stuff, and if I do it will be top up my own savings.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 12:23

You can't sell clothes for much at all.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 12:23

Was he buying expensive clothes while he was in this much debt? Did you then think he must have been able to afford it?

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 12:24

Whinge · 26/10/2023 12:20

For the poster who commented on why I was focusing on debt and not why he lied/kept it from me, sorry I can’t remember your name and it won’t scroll back to the next page without losing what I’ve typed, it is because that is not the issue I asked for advice on. It is a separate issue and is certainly one that will be getting dealt with. Please don’t think I am brushing it under the carpet.

It was me and I really don't think the lying should be considered a separate issue. In your circumstances it's a huge part of the situation. You married a man who was hiding 30k of debt from you. That's a huge betrayal.

I could support and help a partner who was open about their financial struggles. But someone who had been in a relationship with for 10+ years, who married me without declaring a 30k debt, especially knowing the history of financial abuse and your Ex. That's unforgivable and I would have to walk away as I would never be able to trust them again.

Thank you, I do appreciate your comment and your reply. I suppose maybe I am in some kind of denial? I don’t know. I just don’t know what to think right now. I don’t want to crumble, I don’t want to breakdown and cry, I need to stay calm. I just don’t know.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 26/10/2023 12:26

I won’t be selling any of my stuff, and if I do it will be top up my own savings

You are married. When you divorce, it will all be part of the pot. The sooner you disentangle yourself from this mess, the better.

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 12:28

Please don't think we're getting at you. We're desperately trying to protect you.

Original poster
ClearHisDebt · 26/10/2023 12:30

OhComeOnFFS · 26/10/2023 12:28

Please don't think we're getting at you. We're desperately trying to protect you.

I don’t feel ganged up on don’t worry. I came here for advice and I’m getting it.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 26/10/2023 12:33

I think my concern for you @ClearHisDebt is that you experienced something similar before & now this.

I really hope you can talk to someone IRL too.

I told no-one & thought I needed to 'fix' it.

DyslexicPoster · 26/10/2023 12:35

I'd ask to see his credit card transactions on all of the active 10 credit cards. That should answer what you do next.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 26/10/2023 12:37

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Offer him help, advice and support in sorting this out over a reasonable time frame. By all means reduce shopping/ leisure spends.
Do not start paying stuff off. It sounds like deep rooted behaviour. Dave Ramsey sounds good except he needs to address the payday loans first. They can spiral abs cripple. Then do the snowball on everything else. But he needs to do it with his money.

stealthninjamum · 26/10/2023 12:37

Op if you divorce someone they look at how long you’ve been cohabiting so if you were married for one year but cohabiting for ten they look at the ten years. I hope that you have an agreement that he isn’t entitled to anything if you divorced because you wouldn’t want him to end up with any of your assets. I would see a lawyer.

MarilynSays · 26/10/2023 12:54

I think if you start your chat later like this post you've just made, it will be a calm discussion about how to plan and budget going forward. Money can ruin relationships, and it sounds like he might've been hiding this from you because of your past hardships with first DH. I have a good feeling that you are going to both work this out and be ok. It's just a shame it's happening to you again OP. And also, please don't use your savings to pay off his debt. Your future is looking brilliant and you don't want to have to sacrifice this if you can do other easier things to help (like you said about phone and reducing meals etc.) good luck xx

Lackinginspiration1 · 26/10/2023 13:03

best Case scenario- the debts built up due to Covid and he’s been transferring balances where possible to keep the interest low while paying off. If so he should be able to show you the balances decreasing. Then you can support with practical things like reducing your lifestyle costs where possible, and you concentrate on building your own savings. If it’s a continuing spiral then get out before it gets any worse!

Riverlee · 26/10/2023 13:05

Where are the debts - on credit cards etc?

Find a loan or balance transfer with a low interest rate and transfer it all to there.

Do a budget plan to work out how much you can realistically pay off each money (money saving expert website has a good one). It considers all expenditure, income, one-offs (eg car tax), Christmas etc.

Cut up all credit cards (except one for emergencies and electrical purchases).

MayThe4th · 26/10/2023 13:13

DogInATent · 26/10/2023 11:46

You're just being devious, and it'll be interesting to hear what his reaction is to snooping on his phone.

But @Doggymummar suggested running a credit check from scratch by impersonating the target. And that's illegal, immoral, and totally normal for Mumsnet.

Show quote history

There’s always one isn’t there?

While on the whole I wouldn’t necessarily advocate for snooping, the reality is that this man is in debt to the tune of £30k, and whether the OP likes it or not she is implicated. Because while she may not be liable for his debts, if he decides to divorce her tomorrow she stands a very good chance of losing her home in order for him to claim a sizeable chunk of it to piss up the wall the same he has the last 30 grand.

Only someone with their own issues would think that finding out that someone was in debt to the tune of £30k was immoral. How far do you think this man should be allowed to get into debt and to lie about it before the OP has a right to know?