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Original poster

Partner needs to pay more?

82 replies

Minnie41 · 27/07/2023 19:15

I’m not sure if I’m being “greedy” or if he’s being tight so opinions please! Partner lives in my house (5 years) have a child together (and I have 2 of my own) I’m now 2 days a week earning £490 pcm he’s earning £1500 pcm. He pays me £1000 towards bills, shopping etc but that’s only just covering everything. At the end of each month I’m about £100 short. I’ve asked him for help but he said he needs the extra £500 he gets paid so he has savings!?! I have to borrow off my children for food and fuel to get us to the next pay day. I’m so stressed. He is unhelpful in the house, moody. My parents look after my little one when I work so no childcare costs. I’ve tried cutting back but I have teenagers and uniforms etc.
I keep thinking I’d be better off a single parent :-(((((( but then feel guilty that I have to ask for him to help me :-(

OP posts:
GoodChat · 27/07/2023 19:56

Which is what people advise women NEVER to do for an asset owning unmarried partner...

You're correct, they do. At the end of the day, they have children to clothe and feed. They need to be the priority.

jelly79 · 27/07/2023 19:58

Do you not qualify for UC?
Or CSA for your other DC?

If not you need to work more OP

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 19:58

I'd say the same in reverse. If dp wasn't living there she would be entitled to significant UC increase and child care costs mostly covered. She's worse off for him being there and she's providing free childcare for their joint child and earning less as a result. Not to mention lower pension and less likelihood of career advancement. He's putting away £500 a month whilst she can not afford all the bills.

WhatADrabCarpet · 27/07/2023 20:01

Then they need to split @decaffonlypls
She'd be better off without him.

But why should he subsidise two children from a previous relationship? He's already paying a substantial amount.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 20:02

Minnie41 · 27/07/2023 19:18

Just to add that’s my income of £1490 (plus child benefit) I have £1200 of bills and £450 on food and fuel each month. Nothing spare :-(((( and he never offers to buy anything else

So total bills are £1650 and he's giving you £1000 so he's paying 60% of the bills despite you having effectively 2.5 children and him having 0.5.

Seems like you're getting a good deal to be honest.

Wheretostartstitching · 27/07/2023 20:02

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 19:52

Ok so you need to add up each individual outgoings. Deduct the amount from each wage. Then add up joint out goings and each pay a percentage of remaining income so you have the same amount left over-

A
Wage £1000
Out goings £200
Remainder &800

B
Wage £2000
Outgoings £100
Remainder £1900

Joint outgoing s £2500
A pays £700
B pays £1800
Both have £100 left

Why would a good man want his partner to have a lower standard of living than him?

Why would a good woman want her partner paying nearly all the bills for her and her older kids, that aren’t his, without giving him equal rights in the house and giving him that security?

Surely that goes both ways?

cherish123 · 27/07/2023 20:04

I think you might need to work more hours. You cannot expect him/her to contribute for your 2 children only for the one you have together. As you are not married, I would suggest for your own security, you need to work more hours. I am sure you must be entitled to some state support/allowance.

MinnieTruck · 27/07/2023 20:04

He gives you £1000 a month out of £1500? That’s a very generous amount. Why should he give you more money? You obviously need to get your money up and work more days

PomTiddlyPom · 27/07/2023 20:05

decaffonlypls · 27/07/2023 19:58

I'd say the same in reverse. If dp wasn't living there she would be entitled to significant UC increase and child care costs mostly covered. She's worse off for him being there and she's providing free childcare for their joint child and earning less as a result. Not to mention lower pension and less likelihood of career advancement. He's putting away £500 a month whilst she can not afford all the bills.

Ah, but is the childcare REALLY free?
It's difficult to tot up among the kids and salaries but 1K is a lot more than he'd be paying for a single room in a house share, his own bills and half expenses for his own DC. Again, caveat they don't live somewhere with stupid rents like London.

If it's all or none then he should be given rights to the house.

He should not have moved in, oir had DC but that ship has sailed now...

HopelessEstateAgents · 27/07/2023 20:06

OP he needs to do his half of shared care of your shared DC so you can work full time

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 20:07

PomTiddlyPom · 27/07/2023 20:05

Ah, but is the childcare REALLY free?
It's difficult to tot up among the kids and salaries but 1K is a lot more than he'd be paying for a single room in a house share, his own bills and half expenses for his own DC. Again, caveat they don't live somewhere with stupid rents like London.

If it's all or none then he should be given rights to the house.

He should not have moved in, oir had DC but that ship has sailed now...

Show quote history

Actually, he could rent a double room with ensuite in a flat in my building in central London for £850. So the OP is looking rather expensive.

PomTiddlyPom · 27/07/2023 20:14

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/07/2023 20:07

Actually, he could rent a double room with ensuite in a flat in my building in central London for £850. So the OP is looking rather expensive.

Show quote history

If that includes ALL bills then yes, you're right. Admittedly though he still has to cover half the childcare costs and spends.

mrsm43s · 27/07/2023 20:16

I think that you are missing some things in your finances here.

The two elder children presumably have a father. If he's not paying CM, then you need to chase that through the appropriate channels. If they are older teenagers and working rather than in Education, then they need to be paying you a realistic rent.

With 3 children, you will have child benefit of approx £200 or so every 4 weeks. This needs to be added to the family pot. Plus, I suspect on those incomes you will also be entitled to UC - this also needs to be added to the family pot.

You almost certainly can't afford to work part time and earn so little. You are equally (well more, given your extra kids) responsible for bringing money into the household, and the household currently doesn't have enough money.

I would expect you to cover 70% of bills as a unit of 3.5, and him to cover 30% as a unit of 1.5. Childcare for your shared child should be split 50;50 if you go back to work full time. It's not his job to support you and your older children, that's on you (and their father).

Thelonelygiraffe · 27/07/2023 20:29

Well, your ex needs to pay for his two kids! It's unfair to expect your current partner to pay for two dc who aren't his.

And if you can't manage, you need to work more hours.

His laziness around the house also needs to be addressed

Whataretheodds · 27/07/2023 20:33

PomTiddlyPom · 27/07/2023 19:29

Also forgot to add unless you live in London he could live in a flatshare with his own room for much less than that so how is he benefitting here again, exactly?

Show quote history

Live in a flatshare with his child whom he'd have default 50% of the time?

PomTiddlyPom · 27/07/2023 21:03

Whataretheodds · 27/07/2023 20:33

Live in a flatshare with his child whom he'd have default 50% of the time?

Show quote history

You have misunderstood.
The correct starting point for considering his current 'rent' is a flat share. Because that is what he has now. A shared house with 4 other people (and a shared room with his partner!). It is unfair of the OP to say, for instance, 'Oh he can rent a flat for £800, so less that he is only giving me £200 for all bills + DC'. The correct calculation would be what a shared room costs - not necessarily a huge shared house but 1/2 bed flat. Around here, £600 bills included per room. Half if that room is shared.

So he is paying £700 solely for his food and his DC. You cannot claim that the OP is providing 'free childcare' with that sum.

What happens if they split up is a different matter. The starting point is 50/50 but it's not the 'default'. On that salary a court can't force him to rent a flat solely for having his child over (again caveat with rent prices in the area). She is a houseowner and the higher earner so it's more likely that she will be RP and receive maintenance.

Noicant · 27/07/2023 21:18

PomTiddlyPom · 27/07/2023 19:28

There are 2 separate issues here:

  1. Money. In that respect you are greedy. He already gives you MOST of his income, and lives in your house rent free. He has zero power, you can kick him out anytime. Most posters would be advising a woman in his position to LTB or drop the contribution and save for their own place. Presumably his personal transport etc spends need to come out of that too

  2. General moodiness etc. That makes him a bit of twat. What good does he bring anyway?

Even if you have agreed to stay home PT he shouldn't be footing the bill for your two teenagers. 1.5K by itself is a very low salary so I'm not surprised that you're short. You simply cannot afford to work PT I'm afraid.

Agree with this, you need to work full time

Noicant · 27/07/2023 21:21

Sorry I think I should clarify, I think he shouldn’t leave you in a difficult position and I would think badly of someone who left their family short but equally you should be doing what you can to maximise your earnings. You have three kids he has 1 and he’s making a significant contribution to the household already.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 27/07/2023 21:45

If it's about being fair. He should be paying 33% of the bills and OP 67% - not taking into account the salary differences there. That's not even taking into account the fact he shouldn't be paying towards the mortgage (I'm assuming OP owns as she says he lives in her house)

I've just done a quick benefit calculator and OP would be entitled to £370 a month from UC, then child benefit also. I've obviously guessed some bits as I don't know if the teenagers are 13 or 19.

alwaysmovingforwards · 27/07/2023 22:09

I think if you're short each month and he's keeping £500 back for savings, his heart's not really in the relationship.

anythinginapinch · 27/07/2023 22:26

Save your breath folks

BMrs · 27/07/2023 23:00

I think it's unfair he would expect you to borrow money from your children whilst he 'saves'. That being said if your children are earning money, are they old enough to be paying board?

WandaWonder · 27/07/2023 23:08

Then work FT like others have done if you couldn't afford 2 why have a third, and no I don't care how this sounds kids cost and having more costs more then people complain about it afterwards?

BarbaraofSeville · 28/07/2023 09:12

Whichever way you look at it, they don't have enough income so this needs to increase.

The unfortunate spanner in the works is that the system takes the DPs income into account when assessing benefit entitlement, so won't allow him to have £500 of his own savings/spending money if it's not affordable. He either needs to pay more than he thinks is reasonable (even without the teenagers, could they cover all housing costs, bills, food, travel and other essentials on about £1500 or so, it's not a lot of money) or they need to increase their household income.

The obvious way would be for the OP to work more. Either on a day when DP is at home so he can look after the baby or pay for childcare, which is likely to be partly covered by UC or tax free childcare.

Or you need to split and manage alone, with UC and CM from him. If he's moody and won't discuss money (so how did you agree you working PT?), won't do his share of cooking and cleaning, you don't mention his willingness to look after the baby, can he be relied on for this if you worked a day at the weekend for example?) what is the point of him?

biscoffy · 28/07/2023 09:26

The OP isn't coming back.