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Original poster

Lied to my partner

52 replies

SeaCloud1988 · 18/07/2023 08:47

i received £50000 inheritance from a grandparent 5 years ago just after I met my now husband.

we were living in her house no issues and so I put the money in a bond for maximum interest. We then decided to buy a campervan but I didn’t have the money that they had readily available but didn’t want to let them down so I took from the bond and used that. I also did my teacher training which paid tuition fees etc.

he then decided we should move House and start a family and said that I had the £50000 so could use that as equity along with a large amount (more) from him. I panicked and told him that the money was tied up in a 3 year bond with no withdrawals, in a bid to buy some time. He said it was fine and would use more of his own for equity and I could just give it back. We agreed last year to keep the money in the bond for 12 months as it wasn’t needed. We got married, carried out renovations etc (primarily paid by me from the money out of guilt).

Now he wants it before next Friday as he’s going to see a financial advisor but I don’t have it and have lived a lie for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and I’m scared to lose everything.

how do I tell him?

OP posts:
TheSeaDoesntKnowMyName · 18/07/2023 08:52

So you have spent the money on
A camper van
Training
Renovations

Where did he think the money for that came from?

littleripper · 18/07/2023 08:53

this is bizarre, why are you lying?

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2023 08:56

How much is left?

We then decided to buy a campervan but I didn’t have the money that they had readily available but didn’t want to let them down so I took from the bond and used that. I also did my teacher training which paid tuition fees etc.

Why* *did you lie at this point? What made you think it wasn’t OK to say ‘I can’t afford a campervan’?

Surely you can tell him this? And about the renovations?

How are the rest of your finances split? You have a 2-year-old - what happened during maternity leave? Do you have equal earnings and equal expenses or not?

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2023 08:57

And why are you letting him decide everything about life? You make it sound like you’ve had no choice in these things - do you really feel that way?

BabylonianChild · 18/07/2023 09:12

This is why you shouldn’t do separate finances if you are a committed couple

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 18/07/2023 09:17

Where did he think you had the money for the renovations?

Original poster
SeaCloud1988 · 18/07/2023 10:16

I have a good job and maternity meant I still wasn’t my regular wage luckily. He didn’t make the decisions, I wanted it all as well. I just didn’t want to appear inferior to him.

I guess I just need to be honest and be prepared to be moving out when I tell him this weekend. I’ve messed up and need to be prepared for the consequences

OP posts:
itsmyp4rty · 18/07/2023 10:34

Why have you behaved like this? You don't want to look inferior to him because you don't have as much money as he does? How old are you? Why are you so desperate to impress him? It's all very bizarre.

Just tell him the truth and then get help for your self esteem.

MoustacheTwirler · 18/07/2023 10:34

Oh OP, he might be a bit pissed off that you lied to begin with but it's not going to be the end of the world. You bought sensible things with the money, you did not fritter it away on gambling or a diamond encrusted pineapple so once he has calmed down I'm sure it will all be ok. Be honest with him about the reason you lied too so that he can understand.

Good luck x

NoSquirrels · 18/07/2023 10:56

SeaCloud1988 · 18/07/2023 10:16

I have a good job and maternity meant I still wasn’t my regular wage luckily. He didn’t make the decisions, I wanted it all as well. I just didn’t want to appear inferior to him.

I guess I just need to be honest and be prepared to be moving out when I tell him this weekend. I’ve messed up and need to be prepared for the consequences

You don’t need to be prepared to move put! You just explain that you used the money for the things you used it for.

Unless he thinks you earn twice aa much as you do, or you spend much more than you’ve ever admitted, then it’s not your fault.

Plus, you’re married with a child. This isn’t something to split up over, but you do need to BOTH be more transparent about your earnings, savings and priorities.

Original poster
SeaCloud1988 · 20/08/2023 16:23

Hi again everyone.

So I have eventually told my partner about it, after being backed into a corner where I had no option. I have wanted to tell them from the start but always bottled it and was scared.

I was told to move out, which I did straight away and stayed away unless invited. I have been living in car parks in the camper van and living off one meal a day because I couldn't bring myself to eat, I just didn't feel up to it.

My partner has now said that I can move back in but I must stay on the sofa, they don't think that it is going to work and they won't ever be able to trust me again but they want to at least try. The tension at home is something else. Everything I seem to do is wrong and I am being given the cold shoulder at every opportunity.

What can I do to try and build the trust again. I keep getting told that I need to show I am sorry, how on earth am I meant to do that? I want the relationship back. I could just walk away and take what I have used on the house from my partner but that is the last thing I want, I want my family back and to be with the person I fell in love with.

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
Noicant · 20/08/2023 16:28

I don’t understand why on earth you didn’t just say upfront you were spending the money on xyz. Why is he upset? Lying or the lack of money?

AuntieDolly · 20/08/2023 16:30

This is nuts. Does he only want you for the money?

NoSquirrels · 20/08/2023 16:34

Your DH sounds awful - he made the mother of his child live in a camper van in car parks, like a homeless person? You had to leave your 2 year old? And you let that happen. Why?

I’d think seriously if you want to remain married.

Unless you are lying on here - and why would you? - nothing you said about what you spent the money on should have caused that reaction.

Sure, he might be annoyed that the money is not available as he thought and you shouldn’t have lied but seriously - where did he THINK the money for a campervan and teacher training and house renovations came from? Why were your finances so separate and why are you so ashamed?

Ponderingwindow · 20/08/2023 16:37

The consistent lying and spending beyond the household means is a really big deal. Financial decisions were made thinking there was this nest egg.

There was no reason to buy a campervan if it wasn’t in the budget and only functional renovations are necessary.

it’s not clear from your posts op if you understand what really went wrong here. It’s not just the lying. It’s not being a real financial partner who can speak honestly and will volunteer information. if you want to fix this, the first step is understanding where it really went wrong.

he can’t spend the rest of your lives quizzing you to find out if there are hidden financial issues. He has to know that you are ready to be his equal, not in earnings or in how much money you have, but in discussing, planning, and decision-making.

Bookish88 · 20/08/2023 16:47

AuntieDolly · 20/08/2023 16:30

This is nuts. Does he only want you for the money?

Maybe he's just struggling to reconcile realising he loves(/loved) someone who was capable of stringing him along and lying to him?

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 20/08/2023 18:29

Why is his money his money, and your money his money? You did have the money you had your inheritance, which was yours to spend on whatever you wanted. Sounds like you are being financially abused tbh.

Snugglemonkey · 20/08/2023 20:14

NoSquirrels · 20/08/2023 16:34

Your DH sounds awful - he made the mother of his child live in a camper van in car parks, like a homeless person? You had to leave your 2 year old? And you let that happen. Why?

I’d think seriously if you want to remain married.

Unless you are lying on here - and why would you? - nothing you said about what you spent the money on should have caused that reaction.

Sure, he might be annoyed that the money is not available as he thought and you shouldn’t have lied but seriously - where did he THINK the money for a campervan and teacher training and house renovations came from? Why were your finances so separate and why are you so ashamed?

This. This man is not worth having. Please respect yourself and walk away. With everything you are entitled to.

Original poster
SeaCloud1988 · 20/08/2023 22:16

Snugglemonkey · 20/08/2023 20:14

This. This man is not worth having. Please respect yourself and walk away. With everything you are entitled to.

Show quote history

A random one. But if I was male and he was female. Would you have the same opinion?

OP posts:
Hillcrest2022 · 20/08/2023 22:21

I'm pretty stunned at your update - you were initially thrown out of the house? I don't care if you're male of female. This is a horrible reaction from your partner given you didn't squander the money but somehow felt you couldn't be honest that you were not able to afford the big purchases. I'd leave them personally.

Clefable · 20/08/2023 22:21

This is all kinds of wrong and weird. First of all, that money was yours from just after you met. The fact he feels entitled to it is concerning. Secondly, the fact you got caught in this web of lies instead of just being honest speaks volumes about the health of your relationship and how much of a partner he has been to you. Most people in healthy relationships don't feel they have to maintain lies like that.

Why are you the one to leave the house? How is the house owned/rented? How are your financials worked out? Where on earth is your child in all this? Watching his mother sleep in a camper van until his father magnanimously says she can move back into her own home?

Snugglemonkey · 20/08/2023 22:26

SeaCloud1988 · 20/08/2023 22:16

A random one. But if I was male and he was female. Would you have the same opinion?

Show quote history

Yes

TheInseparables · 20/08/2023 22:29

This is awful. I can’t believe he made you leave the house and sleep in a camper van. Where was your child while this was happening? He sounds abusive.

I’m not going to ask why you lied- if he’s abusive then you may have felt you had no choice. But he’s not interested in your welfare.

Do you have family you can speak to about what has happened, or a friend?

WeAreAllLionesses · 20/08/2023 22:54

How much of it is left? Is it almost all gone?

2chocolateoranges · 20/08/2023 23:03

Where did your partner think they money for the camper van and your uni course come from?