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Original poster

Lied to my partner

52 replies

SeaCloud1988 · 18/07/2023 08:47

i received £50000 inheritance from a grandparent 5 years ago just after I met my now husband.

we were living in her house no issues and so I put the money in a bond for maximum interest. We then decided to buy a campervan but I didn’t have the money that they had readily available but didn’t want to let them down so I took from the bond and used that. I also did my teacher training which paid tuition fees etc.

he then decided we should move House and start a family and said that I had the £50000 so could use that as equity along with a large amount (more) from him. I panicked and told him that the money was tied up in a 3 year bond with no withdrawals, in a bid to buy some time. He said it was fine and would use more of his own for equity and I could just give it back. We agreed last year to keep the money in the bond for 12 months as it wasn’t needed. We got married, carried out renovations etc (primarily paid by me from the money out of guilt).

Now he wants it before next Friday as he’s going to see a financial advisor but I don’t have it and have lived a lie for 5 years. We have a 2 year old and I’m scared to lose everything.

how do I tell him?

OP posts:
TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 23:08

SeaCloud1988 · 20/08/2023 16:23

Hi again everyone.

So I have eventually told my partner about it, after being backed into a corner where I had no option. I have wanted to tell them from the start but always bottled it and was scared.

I was told to move out, which I did straight away and stayed away unless invited. I have been living in car parks in the camper van and living off one meal a day because I couldn't bring myself to eat, I just didn't feel up to it.

My partner has now said that I can move back in but I must stay on the sofa, they don't think that it is going to work and they won't ever be able to trust me again but they want to at least try. The tension at home is something else. Everything I seem to do is wrong and I am being given the cold shoulder at every opportunity.

What can I do to try and build the trust again. I keep getting told that I need to show I am sorry, how on earth am I meant to do that? I want the relationship back. I could just walk away and take what I have used on the house from my partner but that is the last thing I want, I want my family back and to be with the person I fell in love with.

Thanks everyone.

Sorry but this is mental to me tbh. You paid for the house renovations ,camper van and teacher training....

You have put a lot of equity into the house too albeit in a different manner.

TheWayoftheLeaf · 20/08/2023 23:10

And yes I'd think the same if genders reversed. You were a bit of a tit but you didn't fritter it on gambling or luxuries just for you

NoSquirrels · 20/08/2023 23:19

SeaCloud1988 · 20/08/2023 22:16

A random one. But if I was male and he was female. Would you have the same opinion?

Show quote history

Yes. I absolutely think that if a woman had discovered that her husband (and the father of her child) had lied by omission about money, but there was no malicious wrongdoing and the finances added up when the situation was explained, making them leave and sleep in car parks - illegally! - would be abusive.

Why are you allowing him such control? Why do you think and act like he’s the boss?

NoSquirrels · 20/08/2023 23:23

@SeaCloud1988 please go to the Relationships board and explain to the wise posters there the ins and outs of the situation you find yourself in. Answer their questions and listen. This is sort of about the money, and sort of about the lie, but it’s much deeper than that and Relationships is a good board with very empathetic people who can help you understand what’s going on and give advice.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/08/2023 00:24

I've just come across the road and figure it out straight away that you were male. There is no way a woman would've left her child to go and live in a camper van.

.

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/08/2023 00:42

I meant to say, I have just come across this thread!

colachive · 21/08/2023 00:45

This is so made up 😹 the kid’s disappeared!

MoustacheTwirler · 21/08/2023 06:43

"A random one. But if I was male and he was female. Would you have the same opinion?"

Sigh. OP, no it does not make a difference if you are male or female. However, it does make a difference if you make misleading posts on mn and muck around making this about gender rather than genuinely seeking advice regarding your problem.

Original poster
SeaCloud1988 · 21/08/2023 10:09

MoustacheTwirler · 21/08/2023 06:43

"A random one. But if I was male and he was female. Would you have the same opinion?"

Sigh. OP, no it does not make a difference if you are male or female. However, it does make a difference if you make misleading posts on mn and muck around making this about gender rather than genuinely seeking advice regarding your problem.

I was only asking to see if rights were any different. I know in the past courts for example have sided with one side because they are mum for example. That’s not what I want, I only want what I get on merit not on gender

OP posts:
LinesAndDot · 21/08/2023 10:41

SeaCloud1988 · 21/08/2023 10:09

I was only asking to see if rights were any different. I know in the past courts for example have sided with one side because they are mum for example. That’s not what I want, I only want what I get on merit not on gender

Show quote history

Sigh. You really are a kid, aren’t you?

Rights (what you now say you are seeking), are established by law, opinions (which is what you are asking when you bring gender into this: “would you have the same opinion?”) can come from anybody, and pretty much have the same value: none.

In this scenario you have questioned no ‘rights’ that one partner has over the other, or that one partner is breaking to the exclusion of the other. There are some in your face scenario, but you haven’t questioned them, and I’m not going to help you find them to clean up your efforts.

Janieforever · 21/08/2023 11:01

Why did you stay in a camper van? You said you’d a good job, so clearly have the ability to book into a hotel or air bnb. You are an adult? Or is there debt you haven’t mentioned

how much of the money is left, have you spent it all?

i understand your decisions, from lying so much to choosing to stay in a car park.

Janieforever · 21/08/2023 11:05

Sorry I don’t understand your decisions, not I understand,

LubaLuca · 21/08/2023 11:08

Why when he kicked you out would you stay in a van rather than a hotel or similar?

Where did your husband think the money for the expensive purchases had come from? Did you tell him you had a lot of ready money?

Do you have any of the inheritance left? Enough to get out of the marriage and carry on without him?

messybutfun · 21/08/2023 11:33

You can call it discrimination but surely there is a big difference between a man kicking out a woman at night without her 2 year old or a woman kicking out a man while she stays with the 2 year old.
If that is the case, you should have just offered to stay away for a while to let her think.

Notcontent · 21/08/2023 11:34

I don’t believe a word of this. It’s clearly made up as all the details are just so bizarre. The way it’s written also points to that.

Janieforever · 21/08/2023 11:35

messybutfun · 21/08/2023 11:33

You can call it discrimination but surely there is a big difference between a man kicking out a woman at night without her 2 year old or a woman kicking out a man while she stays with the 2 year old.
If that is the case, you should have just offered to stay away for a while to let her think.

It’s all so odd. But no no different particularly if they have the means to go to a local hotel.

Taketurn · 21/08/2023 12:14

This is all bull shite.

Zoreos · 21/08/2023 13:10

Sorry, you received an inheritance from YOUR grandparent, he earmarked it, married you and made plans on how to invest it then threw you out of the house you half OWN? You don’t need love from a man like that. I’d be engaging in women’s aid and a solicitor for divorce and citing the horrendous way he’s made you live because he’s an abuser and he’s coercively controlling you to the highest level order. You shouldn’t have lied but from reading this I’m guessing you lied because he’s put pressure on you about how to spend your money. Your mistake was marrying an abusive man I’m so sorry that you’re suffering so badly and have lived estranged from your home which you are legally entitled to live in regardless of what he says! Move back in, sleep wherever you want to sleep and if he tries to discrete otherwise I would be informing him that I would be calling the police for coercive control - please read into it. Good luck OP, you deserve way better than this.

user76541055773 · 21/08/2023 13:30

Yes OP, it is different if the genders are reversed, because a woman is in a much more vulnerable position than a man where a small child is concerned.

A woman is usually financially disadvantaged by maternity leave, and also at risk by being the default caregiver to the child. Not to mention the gender pay gap and everything else that comes into play.

Now, if your wife actually threw you AND THE CHILD out to live in the camper van then you are clearly the exception. Is that actually the case?

Or is it the case that you lied to your wife, put your family in a precarious situation, and she is now protecting herself and your child?

Did you post here because you know your wife will come here for advice, and you are hoping she will stumble across this and realise “how unreasonable she is being”? If so, that’s a bit manipulative. I think you should examine your motives.

Seaweed42 · 21/08/2023 13:30

You expected to be 'thrown out' of the house specifically and that exact thing happened.

If you are the mother and that is your family home you were very quick to run out on your child and live in car parks in the camper van.

Why would you not just stay in the camper van beside the house?

Have you considered the impact on your child the fact that you disappeared out of the house? Then drove off to car-parks in the camper van.

All very strange.

Janieforever · 21/08/2023 15:00

user76541055773 · 21/08/2023 13:30

Yes OP, it is different if the genders are reversed, because a woman is in a much more vulnerable position than a man where a small child is concerned.

A woman is usually financially disadvantaged by maternity leave, and also at risk by being the default caregiver to the child. Not to mention the gender pay gap and everything else that comes into play.

Now, if your wife actually threw you AND THE CHILD out to live in the camper van then you are clearly the exception. Is that actually the case?

Or is it the case that you lied to your wife, put your family in a precarious situation, and she is now protecting herself and your child?

Did you post here because you know your wife will come here for advice, and you are hoping she will stumble across this and realise “how unreasonable she is being”? If so, that’s a bit manipulative. I think you should examine your motives.

the op stated she’s a good job, so no reason to suspect she can’t afford a hotel. Assuming she’s female for the sake of argument. So no women aren’t automatically disadvantaged by way of being a woman. Very few women ar eon maternity leave with a two year old unless a second child or pregnancy on the way. The pay gap doesn’t mean they are poor.

gamerchick · 21/08/2023 15:43

Notcontent · 21/08/2023 11:34

I don’t believe a word of this. It’s clearly made up as all the details are just so bizarre. The way it’s written also points to that.

Almost like a test to see how we would react to the different sexes in one scenario.

MegaManic · 21/08/2023 16:04

Do you not own the house too? How can he throw you out.
What has happened to your child while you have been sleeping in carparks.
You didn't spend the money on gambling, drinking or yourself - you spent it on the family. Okay he has a right to be annoyed that you lied but not to make you leave - and where was your child whilst you were not staying at home?
Gender is not the issue except that you are the one who has taken mat leave and probably lost out on money.

Original poster
SeaCloud1988 · 21/08/2023 16:05

I’m not sure what you all presume I’m lying about. I stayed in the camper as it was free oppose to sleeping in a hotel that would have meant spending more money.

my partner stayed at home with the little one and was allowing me to see him throughout the week at different points.

sleeping outside the house could have well aggravated the situation further so I assumed I was doing the right thing by giving some breathing space?

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 21/08/2023 16:52

People are assuming you’re lying because it’s a really fucked up situation that your husband would ask you to leave your home and your toddler and that you just complied with it, as if it’s normal.

Normal would be him being livid about the lie to begin with, and disappointed/inconvenienced by the £50K not being available after all. So a big row and then everyone calming down and talking it through.

You haven’t killed anyone. You haven’t cheated on him. It doesn’t even sound as if the £50K he was expecting to invest is needed imminently in any way that will negatively impact his life.

So why are you letting him treat you this way? Why couldn’t you be honest earlier?