What else to consider before commiting to be a SAHP?

[FauxAunty]

Basically DP and I both work long stressful hours, 2 kids ages 5 years and 20 months. Our oldest is currently being assessed for ASD. Th youngest is also showing signs and at any rate he is a terrible sleeper who has not had a full nights sleep since he was born so we are all exhausted. DC are in childcare 8am til 5.45pm (that's with our hours staggered too, DP does drop off, I do pick up) and the oldest in particular is struggling with it. DP suffers with depression and anxiety disorder (he's medicated and he was doing great for years, but he has been absolutely in the grips of it for the last 12 months, its been really hard, a lot is falling to me). I have tried to agree a 3 or 4 day week with work but have been outright refused unfortunately as this would have been the best solution.

We are very fortunate that, with sacrifices, we can afford to live with one of us out of work. We've agreed that we are going to live off his wages for 6 months (we are 2 months in) and save/pay down the mortgage with my wages to give ourselves a cushion. After that, I will hand in my notice to be at home with the children. We will be going down to the registry office to get married before this, we have mortgage protection, wills and everything up to date. What else do I need to consider? Is there anything you wish you would have known before you became a SAHM? Thank you

Can you afford for the working parent to pay into a separate private pension in the non working persons name?

Are both careers east to get back into if the working adult needs to quit?

How will access to money work for personal and family spending?

How will chores and childcare look in the working person's non working time?

What effect will it have on your DH mental health to be the sole earner?

What will you do if he becomes unable to work?

Whether or not you will automatically value his work, and therefore his wages, higher than your own within the house - as this can lead to ignoring your own needs and restricting spending on yourself to your detriment. It’s not always just about the legal stuff.

I’d also agree with the pp who mentioned the effect on your DP of being the sole breadwinner.

Pension. Life assurance.

Get very comfortable talking about money with each other. This is a learned skill for most people so just keep trying.

Budgeting isn’t a once off - touch base weekly about your schedules and expenses. Make sure you have full access to the accounts and know what’s what.

Have you looked for a part time role in your industry outside of your current company?

There are benefits to having a sahw so don’t lose respect for yourself or allow yourself to be diminished within the relationship as the non-earner. But being realistic, a lot of people do lose respect for people who aren’t actively earning (this thread will fill up soon) and if your dh turns out to be one of them, rethink this arrangement.

That visit to the registry office is non negotiable.

The part that stands out for me is your dp’s mental health - will he be able to hold up under the pressure of being a sole earner?

You can start a SIPP and the government will top up to a certain level - not much, but better than nothing.

Why are you taking time out of your career? If he's massively stressed and suffering poor mental health, the whole financial burden falling to him is surely going to increase that stress isn't it? What will happen if he crashes and burns?

I would look into you moving to a different part time role and him also cutting his hours.

A plan for getting back into work once your youngest starts school. This could be both of you going part time at this point if you get a role in another company that will consider this.
Payment into your pension while you are off work.

Although I would expect you to do the majority of housework etc during the week, it should be all hands on deck when your husband is at home. So confirmation that one of you does bedtime while the other cleans up after dinner, free time is equal and weekend tasks are equal.

A plan for finances including that you have equal fun money

Sounds like him being the SAHP would make more sense?

The pension is something i have to look into in more detail. Monthly it would leave us tight but DP gets a yearly bonus and he suggested making a lump sum payment into a pension for me from that.

My work, its not a skilled role (although a tough one) so in theory it would be fairly easy to get back to where I was. Very difficult to find part time roles where I am though, and I have been looking. DP's role would be very difficult to get back into if he left, he has to keep his skills constantly updated.

I do all the finances and that wouldn't change. I transfer both of us personal money after all the bills are paid. We split the disposable 50/50.

Chores and childcare are already falling on me a bit more during the week but he does a more even split at weekends and he says he wouldn't expect anything less if I stop working.

We've discussed in length about his mental health and being the sole earner. He says that his main feelings of failure at the moment come from not feeling able to do it all. He seems almost glad of the opportunity to just focus on work and not have to be on call for picking up sick kids or trying to rush to work after drop off. I do worry about him losing his job. He's never lost one before (he's very good at what he does and has very understanding manager)but that would be what the 6 months of savings would be for, unitl one or both of us could get another job.

Thanks for the responses, lots of food for thought. I've never not worked, bar maternity leave, but I just don't know how to keep going as we are.

Are you married? If not then I wouldn't consider it before you get married.

We've discussed him leaving his career. He doesn't want to. He loves what he does. I don't know with his frame of mind if giving that up is a good idea. He struggles at time with our most likely ASD child too.

It's way too risky if he's got ongoing mental health issues. It sounds like it's your partner who needs to reduce his hours or find another job that's part time. Time for you to step up financially and him to take some time out to recover.

@Eudaimonia5 I think that's a little unfair. We earn almost the same. I do 95% of the household/mental load and more than my fair share of childcare. I'm struggling myself. We have savings, I am not leaving him to a bit financial mess

I totally disagree, he is better staying in a job he loves, he's more likely to get more anxious and depressed at home then op would be trying to be bread winner and juggle everything else. Op has already said he struggles with the older child. Anybody who has been a full time mum knows it is harder than working full time, especially if you have a child who doesn't sleep or who has disabilities. Sounds like you have sensibly thought of all the options and have to go with what works best for your family @FauxAunty 💐

@Mossstitch Thank you Mossstitch you are very kind. This was not a quick decision at all, it's been months in discussion and would not have been my first choice but here we are.

If you're convinced this is the right thing, you absolutely need to have conversations about different eventualities.

What will you do if any kind of fixed cost goes up? What will you do if he's signed off sick or has a breakdown? What will you do if you hate being at home with the kids? How long will you stay off? How much money do you need to break even? What will you do if the car breaks/the roof needs replacing/there's a family crisis?

You're halfing your income. That's a massive massive hit in the household pot.

Good communication is going to be vital to making it work.

What grounds did they use to refuse your flexible working request?

Have you considered whether strategic use of parental leave could help? It's 18 weeks per child to be used by age 18. Certainly requirements and processes, but from memory more flexibility if you have a disabled child.

Lots of comments about his mental health but what about yours. You might not realise how important work is to your identity until it's gone. Do you have plans to manage that in the short term and also long-term?

Your confidence to re-enter the workplace will erode over time, and recruitment practices will change, it might be a bigger challenge to re-enter employment by the time you're in a place to consider or need it.

Why are you shouldering 95% of the household stuff, when both working ft?

I've stress tested our mortgage up to 9%. We are currently living off just his wage, while saving all of mine. At the moment his wage covers all the bills with nothing left over, but the childcare fees will obviously go if i stop working which means we will have more left over out of his wage.

He has income continuance if he got ill and by the time I would be stepping back, we'll have enough savings to live off for a year if he did lose his job and of course I would be looking for another role straight away if he couldn't work.

I honestly don't know how I will like it at home. My kids are hard, hard work. And I've always worked full time, since I was 17 and I'm mid 30s now. But my mental health is already poor after the last 12 months. Everything is too much. And most importantly my DC are struggling. My oldest is not getting the support needed. Both DP and I know this, it's a huge source of guilt.

I was SAHM in similar circumstances (but lower earnings). If I had my time again I wouldn’t do it again. Going to be really honest here, but obviously you don’t have to agree.

Being at home all day with autistic dc took a huge toll on my mental health, the relentlessness of it, and very little opportunity for a break, and needing to keep on top of housework/admin/everything, well, it all became impossible. Sleepless nights are just as difficult to deal with when you’re at home with the child all day as well.
Now exH became very clear that my role was everything child and house related because he worked (this was not what we agreed in thorough discussions before, we had plans similar to yours - then he started resenting me because I wasn’t fulfilling my role, and I started resenting him because he opted out of being a parent).
Being the sole person responsible for high needs dc, and ending up feeling responsible for another adult in the home without being able to rely on him is incredibly tough.

So from a practical standpoint I’d strongly recommend both cutting hours if at all possible, make the work load easier, but both still have roles where you’re earning and having time away from home and being a parent.
If that’s not an option I’d factor in some childcare, and a cleaner if possible.
I would also make sure you have regular slots of time to honestly discuss how you’re both feeling. Set them in stone and deal with any issues or resentments that crop up immediately.

Just seen that you’re already doing 95% of it all - I hope you know that’s not fair on you?
If this is already the split you need to think very carefully about how you’ll feel doing 100% of it and being in it all the time.

IME men being the sole earner cut back on what they do in the house, and he’s already doing so little, and you will be doing so much. Will you resent him for this? (I did!)

It really sounds like financially it could work, but I’d be more concerned about your mental health.

It really can work , it's not popular on here but you have thought of the main things . I did it for 10 years, you sound like me as in control of your finances which is good, yes to private pension but at worst you will get your pension stamp paid as long as upon claim child benefit (even if you have to pay it back at tax return )
Keep things for just you, join a choir /exercise class or do a night class/college course or volunteer , either related to your career or not. Invest at very least 5 hours a week into just you things, it's not much to ask and 5 lunch hours at work
Yes you will lose some respect at parties when people ask what you do, but really is that a reason to base your life on?

@IAmSalmaFuckingHayek Thank you. I need to hear this side of it too. It is a big fear of mine. I cannot get my work to agree part time. The very few part time jobs locally are badly paid so there will be a drop in income regardless of whether I take one of those or SAH full time. I've asked about parental leave but they insist on taking it in chunks and will refuse certains time - "doesnt meet business needs". Even when it is given, it doesn't solve the problem long term. I appreciate you taking the time to share your experience with me.
I know 95% is unfair on me. He tries. He's on medication, under different psychiatrists. He focuses on work and the immediate needs of the DC but everything else just falls to the wayside.
We can afford it. We live very frugally. No loans. Intentionally understretched ourself on a mortgage for a house. On paper we have it good but in reality every day is a massive struggle. I asked for what else to consider and I've been given a lot.

Thank you. Oh I will almost certainly be judged if we go ahead with it, its not the done thing around here. But I don't care about that side of it, it's not their DC who need extra support. And it wouldn't be forever, I'm determined on that. If it would mean I could get both my DC settled and established at school well, it could be worth it. I appreciate people probably think I'm naive and I probably am for a lot of things. It's hard to know you are making the right decision

You didn't put that in your OP. The way you're OP is worded, it sounded like your partner needed to reduce his hours and you could perhaps look for a promotion to increase household income.

If you're doing 95 percent of everything on top of working full time then that completely changes the situation. How did it get to you doing everything? You must be running yourself ragged. I think you need to have a serious conversation with your partner about all of this before it ends up affecting your mental health too. The answer isn't necessarily to stop work completely, perhaps it is, but it's more about you having the conversation about how you need more support. Working full time and doing most of the child rearing and household tasks isn't on when you're supposedly in a partnership.