What else to consider before commiting to be a SAHP?

[FauxAunty]

Basically DP and I both work long stressful hours, 2 kids ages 5 years and 20 months. Our oldest is currently being assessed for ASD. Th youngest is also showing signs and at any rate he is a terrible sleeper who has not had a full nights sleep since he was born so we are all exhausted. DC are in childcare 8am til 5.45pm (that's with our hours staggered too, DP does drop off, I do pick up) and the oldest in particular is struggling with it. DP suffers with depression and anxiety disorder (he's medicated and he was doing great for years, but he has been absolutely in the grips of it for the last 12 months, its been really hard, a lot is falling to me). I have tried to agree a 3 or 4 day week with work but have been outright refused unfortunately as this would have been the best solution.

We are very fortunate that, with sacrifices, we can afford to live with one of us out of work. We've agreed that we are going to live off his wages for 6 months (we are 2 months in) and save/pay down the mortgage with my wages to give ourselves a cushion. After that, I will hand in my notice to be at home with the children. We will be going down to the registry office to get married before this, we have mortgage protection, wills and everything up to date. What else do I need to consider? Is there anything you wish you would have known before you became a SAHM? Thank you

Sorry, its hard to get everything in. I've been promoted a few times which is why my wage is fairly on par with his even though his is a professional role but I'm pretty much as far as I can go without retraining, and I just don't have it in me with everything else. And he really does not want to give up his job.

He got ill shortly before I returned from maternity with my youngest. I was already doing most of it because I was off at the time. It just continued. We have talked a lot. When he does more at home, his work suffers and vice versa. Then he gets into a cycle of blaming himself which does none of us any good. The mental health services where we live are awful which doesn't help.

Marry.

Yes it's booked!

Oh sorry you're going to marry. Good. That's better in many ways and in a bereavement situation by far.

Is it booked for before you stop working?

We will definitely be married before I leave my job, I wouldn't risk it

I would strongly suggest volunteering one day a week or working Saturdays to keep an active CV and have recent references. Just as an extra fallback.

Separate but related point, keep the D.C. in childcare one full day or two half days a week so you get some time to just focus or relax as required. You can't afford to burn out and you won't be used to the relentlessness of all your time being childcare.

I am a SAHP because my youngest needs full time care and it worked best for us that I stopped and DH continued.

You seem to have covered the big things like marriage, pension and housework.

You also need to think about the things that seem smaller, but become massive when they are in your face.

Spending money - will it still be 50/50 (should be!) and will you make sure that you don’t end up spending all of yours on the children?

Respect for your time - will he still be considerate when thinking about working late/going for a drink after work/etc or will he assume you’re ok to have the children 24/7? (That is the thing that trips most couples imo).

Your downtime - will you actually get some? Will you become the default parent to the point that a night out or hobby becomes a problem?

My worry would be that if you give up the career you've worked so hard for, would you be able to return to it in a few years? And what happens if you quit work and your partner loses his job or his mental health deteriorates further to the point where he can't work? Job losses and ill health could happen to anyone but it seems like much more of a risk with your partner.

I think whatever happens, you need more support with the kids and with the house. You shouldn't have to sacrifice yourself. Becoming a stay at home mum should be a decision you make because it's something you want to do, not something you feel forced to do because you're getting stressed out trying to do everything all on your own.

Keep your professional self looking active.use LinkedIn to engage with peers and other organisations. Maybe do a little online learning in your field. Don't disappear from the working world.

I’m a SAHM & truly really enjoy it. We have 4 children so still a bit of juggling to do but I really like having a more peaceful and less frantic family life.

We have weekly budget meetings to ensure we stay on track & we have good life insurance and also critical illness cover for my husband. I do most of the household/kids things but the oldest kids help with some chores and my husband pitches in especially with the little kids/evening activities etc.

I don’t feel lonely at all, I meet up with lots of other mums who are also SAHMs or who work part time. I run a mums group. I really like being able to choose how I spend my time and if we are feeling especially busy/stressed one week then I can adjust things and be home a bit more. I am there during the school holidays. I know being a SAHM is often frowned upon but I’m degree educated and still feel really happy and fulfilled with my life & don’t feel like I’m wasting my time or energy at all. Hope that helps!

Op what would the risks be if you weren’t married? Don’t listen to the married brigade on MN plenty of them are on here chatting about their husbands walking out leaving them high and dry.
the question should be do you trust your partner? And do you trust that he’ll be a good provider and care for you all?
if the answers yes then that’s what’s important.

I missed that part. Clearly.

Thanks all, lots more good points and things to think about and discuss with DP. We're very much of the opinion that all discretionary funds will be split 50/50, as they have always been and while he would expect to have a little more flexibility to work late I don't expect him to start going out all the time, he doesn't drink as it is and meet ups with his mates are infrequent as they are living all over the place.
@Magssss That sounds lovely. I would hope we would thrive as well as you and family do.

One thing to consider is life insurance for you.

My DH was widowed when I met him. They were young and hadn’t considered life insurance until his FiL basically bullied them into it. She worked days normally, but was on extended maternity leave/sabbatical and he worked nights - as a single parent he couldn’t do that. Life insurance made the world of difference financially until he could find a new role.

Just playing devils advocate here...

Inequality in a relationship can kick in when one person (woman) is the SAHP. Domestic work never stops and the paid worker in the partnership can become resentful when the house and kids aren't all in order when they walk in the door, despite SAHP best efforts. It can become a real source of conflict.

The working parent can feel entitled to have all the down-time because they 'work'. Have discussions before making the change to be clear that even when one person has a paid job they still need to come home and do the 'after hours' shift too, not judge and criticise, and also that you both are entitled to split weekends and evenings for time to relax.

You can become isolated as SAHP, lose your sense of independence and being treated as an adult by other adults around you, this can take it's toll on your self-esteem.

The paid worker can start to feel entitled to control the finances, so keep an eye on that. It can creep in in very subtle ways. Establish that it is 'shared family income' and that you are wearing the disadvantage of being outside of paid work at the moment. That you manage the bills might mitigate that possibility.

It is more difficult for the unpaid worker to leave the relationship, this in itself leads to a power imbalance so SAHP has less leverage if they become unhappy with aspects of the relationship. Again, this can influence each person in very subtle ways that can be hard to recognise. It shifts the power balance. Think about if you are able to influence him with your opinions.

Consider the power dynamic is in your relationship with brutal honesty. How are decisions made? Whose opinions tend to prevail across each area of life - socialising, raising the kids, housework, spirituality, extended family? If his 'culture' tends to dominate these, or he has any patterns of making communication difficult, then I would definitely reconsider leaving work.

How do you communicate with each other? Do either of you use conversational control tactics - silent treatment, getting angry, sulking to end discussion? If you have any difficulties in communicating then this should be addressed before ceasing paid employment.

Not saying this is going to happen to you, obviously know nothing of your relationship - just raising the possibilities you may not have thought of.

Trust him or not, if the op is giving up work to be a SAHM being married gives her protection should the marriage break down.

Have you considered applying for DLA for the eldest? If they got middle or high rate care then you would be able to claim carers allowance for yourself. Definitely get a SIPP/LISA opened. Look into married couples tax free allowance sharing too.

Don’t forget to factor in the costs of keeping the children entertained. Childcare costs will go but some of that will be replaced by entertainment costs, as you won’t want to stay in the house all day every day, and while there are free options available sometimes you will want to do things that cost money.

Agree with OP and also with the fact that someone who enjoys work won't find it easier to take time out.

Really really disagree with this "Anybody who has been a full time mum knows it is harder than working full time, especially if you have a child who doesn't sleep or who has disabilities.".

This is trotted out a lot, but if it were true for everyone, then OP wouldn't be looking to quit - and so many people wouldn't choose to be or dream of being SAHMs. Like many others on here, having a non sleeping baby and a child with SEN and a full time job pretty much broke me, and has done the same to many others. My time as a full time mum was an actual walk in the park compared to that, even without money to spare (which is why I do work, and prefer to work slightly longer hours in a better paid job that allows me to have a cleaner, good childcare and nice things for the kids - but still is way way harder, day to day).

In your case I would see if I could take parental leave unpaid for a few months to see how it goes.

Quite apart from the pressure on DP to be the sole earner is the fact that you will be utterly reliant on someone who is quite likely to crash and burn at some point. I'm sorry to put it so baldly. If you were an insurer, would you offer your DP a policy against not being able to work at some point? If the answer is no, you need to rethink.

I have been a SAHM and I can see why you feel this is the best course with your kids struggling and so on, but I also know the longer you are out of work the less likely you are to get a job easily, so if DP does suffer a breakdown type event you can't just jump up and get a job (and have no childcare in place so you can, either).

If you 100% want to do this I would spend some time building up as big a savings pot as you possibly can first.

To answer a few more questions;

We both have life assurance, decreasing until the youngest is 23.

There is no way DP would take over the finances, he hates that sort of thing, whereas I actually kind of enjoy it. Our wages go to me, I do all the divvying out on bills/shopping/saving and then we get our own spending money out of it. This wouldn't change.

The power dynamic is an interesting one, I would say I make more of the decisions for the day to day stuff, but any big decision is joint. Our communication is generally good. Sometimes, he can shut down a bit conversation-wise due to feeling overwhelmed but we recognise this and work around it. Like by not trying to have a big important talk after a particularly stressful day.

Cost of keeping the children entertained is important and something I haven't sat down and budgeted out so thank you, I will do that,

My DP does have an income continuance policy shockingly enough. We pay a premium for it due to his medication history but he's actually never had an extended period out of work despite suffering with his mental health all his adult life.

I really do take on board the comments that DP could lose his job. I can't put anything thing in place to insure it won't happen, I can only try and mitigate any impact it would have (savings, life insurance, income continuance). At the moment he absolutely does not want to step back from work. Which leaves us with continuing on as we are (getting harder and harder to balance), I get a lower paid unrelated part-time job or I take time out completely. I also take on board that I could be shooting myself in the foot career wise. I don't have a career as such, I have a job. One I've worked hard at but if I had to do something else so be it, I'm not passionate about it. It's as easy to step back into as a job could be but I know it's a sacrifice I have to balance up all the same.

At the moment I am leaning more towards the part-time job, even if it is a big drop. But we need to get our savings up and mortgage repayments down and get married before we can make any big changes so still time to make a final decision.

There is no way my work would approve a block of several months parental leave, absolutely none, they tend to insist you take 2 week blocks only and even at that it's like pulling teeth to get them approved. I would have to keep full-time childcare going in that case to ensure I would have it when I go back so would be a much tighter budget.

My ex had MH issues, as the children got older his MH, sadly for him escalated. He hasn't worked since 2013 - like you we are in an area of awful MH care.

Make sure any income protection polices are checked and rechecked as we lost out because he had not declared a MH incident that happened when he was 16 , he didnt remember it.

You are in a tough spot, and I appreciate you are trying to figure out the best of a risky solutions. I hope your DH MH improves. Wishing you all the best.

If it's the best thing for you all, then do it for sure. Seems like you're taking the sensible approach of thinking of every angle before you do it. Did I mention to save save save?!

One other thing: I know you have to be careful of your DP's MH but you also have to look after your own. Schedule regular time out for you before you quite your job and stick to it. SAHPing is 70% drudgery and it seems like you are going to have to be looking after everyone in your house so it's even more important that YOU don't break at some point.

Everything I've said is because of personal experience by the way - I'm not just trying to throw a spanner in the works.