What else to consider before commiting to be a SAHP?

[FauxAunty]

Basically DP and I both work long stressful hours, 2 kids ages 5 years and 20 months. Our oldest is currently being assessed for ASD. Th youngest is also showing signs and at any rate he is a terrible sleeper who has not had a full nights sleep since he was born so we are all exhausted. DC are in childcare 8am til 5.45pm (that's with our hours staggered too, DP does drop off, I do pick up) and the oldest in particular is struggling with it. DP suffers with depression and anxiety disorder (he's medicated and he was doing great for years, but he has been absolutely in the grips of it for the last 12 months, its been really hard, a lot is falling to me). I have tried to agree a 3 or 4 day week with work but have been outright refused unfortunately as this would have been the best solution.

We are very fortunate that, with sacrifices, we can afford to live with one of us out of work. We've agreed that we are going to live off his wages for 6 months (we are 2 months in) and save/pay down the mortgage with my wages to give ourselves a cushion. After that, I will hand in my notice to be at home with the children. We will be going down to the registry office to get married before this, we have mortgage protection, wills and everything up to date. What else do I need to consider? Is there anything you wish you would have known before you became a SAHM? Thank you

Another thing to be conscious about is not letting your world become too small. Then the little non issues become bigger.

You need to make sure that as a SAHP you have the ability to get out and socialise if you want it - both with and to without the children. You still need time in the week to do whatever hobbies or gym or book shop visits you want to do, the free time doesn't become solely his because he does paid work putside the home.

What's the reason for the decline in your partner's mental health in the last 12 months? I can't help but be a bit cynical about a mental health problem that allows someone to work but be unable to do anything in the house. What is your long term plan? I'd be really scared of getting stuck, job less and reliant on someone else.

@Marblessolveeverything I'm so sorry you went through that. He has declared absolutely everything, I was there when he spoke to the assessor. Thank you for your kind words

@Spinet No I greatly appreciate your advice, if I do this it will be with my eyes completely open at least. Not that I thought for a minute it will be easy

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I think that is a big danger for me. I am quite introverted at the best of times and like my own company so I will have to make sure I don't lose sight of my interests and hobbies. DP is the one pushing for me to join clubs/the gym at the weekend. I am resistant right now as I am so tired! But I will try to carve out more time for myself.

@FlowerWowery Honestly? Having a second baby with health issues in combination with our oldest's struggles becoming very apparent all at once I think has tipped us over the edge into not coping. In hindsight we should have stopped at 1 DC, but we didn't know all that would happen back then. Life was very good at the time.

Long term plan is to go back into very similar role when both DC at school. So talking about 3-4 years out in total. I have the option of going for a less intense, lower paid role in the same company also, it would still be full-time though, no part-time roles there, so not very helpful at the minute.

@FauxAunty I don't often say this on here as it is easily taken as criticism of people who don't SAH, but I found that my children benefited greatly from being at home. Now they are teenagers they really know me and our relationship is good (I know this can change in an instant btw!!!). So while I really do advise extreme caution for your own sake, if you're going to do it, you've done everything you can to make yourself as secure as possible, and your eyes are open you may as well expect/allow yourself to enjoy it on some level too. There were many moments of undiluted joy as a SAHM.

Before you make a final decision, I would recommend you have a very honest conversation about what will happen when your DC start school. If you plan to go back to work, how will drop off/pick up work (some schools offer wrap around care but even then drop off/collection is often not ideal for anyone working full time)? Is there adequate wrap around care nearby? How would your child with additional needs cope with being at school all day and after school club etc? Who would be responsible for sorting out the school run, sick days, school holidays, inset days, calls from school to collect DC etc. How will the cost of child-care/school run times etc impact on your choice of job (ie will you be expected to factor these in to your wages/working time or will it be shared?) If your child with additional needs does not cope well with being at school all day and child care etc after will you be expected to stay at home? Would you be happy with this? Who will be responsible for taking time off for any medical appointments/assessments etc that your child may need. How will domestic chores be split when you go back to work?

I know quite a few couples who planned for the SAHP to go back to work when the DC started school but after a few years of the working parent being used to not having to think about child care/shopping/housework/washing etc there was clearly an expectation that the SAHP decision to go back to work should not impact on this. So the SAHP ended up either going back to work and also being responsible for all childcare/school admin etc. So they end up either having to juggle everything or severely limiting their work options by needing to look for work that fits around school times. I know several where this has lead to real resentment on both sides. The working parent feels like everything becomes harder when the SAHP goes back to work and often the the cost of before/after school child care means the additional income is not as much as they would hope (especially if the SAHP has to start at a lower pay grade to get back in to things). The previously SAHP feels that they are having to work hard to prove themselves at work but also expected to do all the child/house related work.

Can you study part time or develop your skills so as to help get a better paid job when you rejoin the workforce?

Long term sahm here, it wasn't planned it just sort of happened so we did a trial 6 months and here I am 18 years later. I was the one with the health issue that massively improved by being a sahm and Dh out earned me by double at that point so it made sense.

To be honest it looks like you have everything covered and thought out. I will say that it really worked well for us. Dh could concentrate on work and working his way up and I could concentrate on running the house, all admin, child related stuff and school stuff. I loved it. Being a sahm isn't very well respected on MN but having just Dh taking holidays and I didn't have to arrange the same week, or the childcare summer holiday juggle. Dh instead took off a Friday and a Monday so he worked a 4 day week over the 6 week summer holidays.

I agree about childcare saving but you do need money for other things, days out, activities etc. As you are in charge of the finances this will be under your control. Looking forward I think having a "how are we doing" meeting is beneficial, this can be anything from monthly to begin with or quarterly. We have a yearly financial meeting, what have we spent, what are we intending to spend next year sort of thing. I would suggest volunteering in the future if you can to keep your skills up and have something to put on your CV or training/gaining a qualification.

I completely agree with sock's last paragraph. I had lots of sahm friends who returned to work but were still expected to do everything that they had done before re the house, school runs, dropping everything when the child was ill etc. It is a conversation to be had if you intend to return to work further down the road. I hope your partner's MH improves and that it works out for you.

My reading of your OP also made me think that it's your DP who needs to drop his hours, but your later posts reject this as a possibility.

I'd still be very nervous about making myself so financially dependent on someone in the situation like your DP. What happens if he has a breakdown, for example?

But if you're really going to stop working for money, then:

• Your Pension - more than just NI contributions, but include those
• An education or retraining fund for you when you re-enter the (paid) workforce
• Either joint or equal individual savings

Some sort of watertight (signed in blood ) discussion, then agreement, that you are not a slave nor his servant (re household duties), that you have equal free access to family money, that any money that comes into the household IS family money.

I couldn't give up my financial independence, and the best advice most women can give and take, is "Don't give up your job." So good luck!

@Cantstaystuckforever I think I worded that badly, I meant that being a stay at home parent full time is harder than just working full time (as in with no children or childcare/house running responsibilities). I totally agree that trying to do both is horrendous and I do have experience of both these scenarios and of having an ex-husband with MH problems.

Before handing your notice in tell them you can stay part time or do some working from home (obviously that depends on the job).

If you don't have it already, take out insurance for if the worst happens and insurance for the next worse thing, so life insurance, critical illness insurance.

As you are not yet married draw up a prenup agreement, they are not legally binding but can help guide the court if you do split, so things like his bonus going into your pension needs to be in writing.

I think there is a way to divert some income tax from you to your soon to be DH.

Are your utility bills going to go up with you at home? Take that into account also anything you are going to do instead of nursery, I'd also consider keeping them in childcare if only for 1 day a week to give you a bit of a break.

What happens long term? If both of your children have ASD then you might look in to home schooling, quite a few people on here have become reluctant home educators.

If the children are going to go to school will you be looking for work then? Either when they are both at school or when they are both at secondary school.