Personal money allocation out of joint money

[R41NB0W2022]

Hi,
I‘ve read other threads and seen that a lot of couples have a similar set up to me in the way they divide their money: all money in one pot, then both take an equal amount for personal spending.

I’m wondering how much everyone takes out of that joint pot for their personal allocation?

A brief bit of background info to explain our relationship with money:
-DH has a gambling addiction that’s been going on for over a decade, before we even met, but I didn’t find out about it until we were a few years into our relationship.

-We both openly agree that I’m naturally quite good at saving and he isn’t.

-I do all of the house admin.

Our combined wages usually come to just over 4Kpcm. He earns more than me and I work part-time as it wasn’t actually cost effective with childcare costs to work more days. Our mortgage and bills are about £1900pcm. Then our food would be about £500pcm. We both take £600 each (£1,200 total from joint pcm)for our personal allowance. Leaving about £400 a month for either joint savings or spending on joint activities.

Our £600 personal allowance also covers any personal bills.

I use my £600 to pay my phone bill (£7.50), any vet bills (£40 average), dog grooming (£20 average), petrol (£80), I also usually buy our baby’s clothes, and then the rest is on the occasional coffee/meal with a friend, makeup, birthday presents for my family, clothes and the rest goes into savings. I usually manage to put £200 into savings each month.

DH does say I don’t need to pay for the dog out of my own money but the dog was mine before we married and I don’t feel it’s fair to put the financial responsibility on DH for something he had no initial part in.

DH spending of the £600 personal money: DH has about £100pcm Invisalign (he went to a top private practice and has paid thousands more than other people we know because he didn’t research), phone bill (£40), gym (£60) (that he doesn’t go to). That leaves him with £400 roughly every month. Every month, DH complains that the £600 isn’t enough money and has nothing left.

He works in a trade and drives in a van to multiple different locations every day. He complains that he doesn’t want to sit in his van to eat warm food, so he goes to a drive through, shop or a cafe for lunch. He spends about £10/£15 a day on his lunches. He goes on a big night out with friends about once, sometimes twice a month and spends £100 roughly a night.

I’m more than happy for him to buy food and make lunches using our joint account but I don’t think it’s fair for him to use our joint money to buy lunches out every day when that’s genuinely a choice. In the past he has returned home with his packed lunch uneaten because he didn’t fancy it, or his colleagues were all going to a cafe so he didn’t want to miss out.

DH said he was going to work overtime and keep any overtime money for himself so that he could have more than £600 as it wasn’t enough for him. I felt this wasn’t fair because we have a DC so the only way DH can work that overtime is if I’m looking after DC.
DH is frustrated that he can’t get more than £600 for personal use each month.
He has said that one of his gambling triggers is when he feels stressed with money so this then makes me worry that I’m putting that on him.

I’ve never worked in a trade job or had to eat in a van every day so I know I can’t fully understand his situation but I do feel he’s trying to live beyond his means and wants everything without any cut backs. I also know that I do feel anxious and controlling around joint money because of his gambling.

So, what does everyone usually take out of their joint pot for personal spending?

Is spending £10/£15 a day on food and drink normal for people who are in a trade and are constantly at different locations?

Thank you for reading the long post!

Personally we take £500 each. That's a lot on daily food.

£250 each. But our phones, pets, petrol and savings come out of joint money. The £250 pays for gifts for each other, lunches if we cba to make a packed lunch. Social events with separate friends, gifts for said friends. Clothes but not clothes needed for work. Personal toiletries, but joint toiletries come with the Tesco shop. Gyms, health procedures also from communal money. It seems plenty to me.

Exactly the same as us. I agree £250 is plenty.

If he's spending £10 a day then on a 4 week month that is £200 it £15 a day is £300 ao th so I can see how he burning throughhis allowance.

Tricky though because I get that if he is on site he wants to just go with the others.

If you can afford it as a family does it matter?

So you think it is going on food or is he gambling?

We have £300 each per month for personal spends. That includes clothing, mobile phones, eating out or takeaways (without the other person), work lunches (excluding packed lunch made at home), chocolate/treats, some travel costs if they are not work-related, Christmas/birthday gifts for respective families, some toiletries (my expensive ones, basically). I'd summarise it as money for non-essential items that don't benefit both of us.

Holidays, mortgage, bills, groceries, pet food, vet bills, prescriptions, cars etc. all come out of the joint account.

I feel that £300 each is reasonable, but it's been fixed at that amount for 8 years so it doesn't stretch as far as it used to. We arranged it this way so that we could massively overpay on the mortgage. Once that's paid off (c. 5 years) I'd like to revisit this arrangement as I'm the higher earner.

Why do you have to clothe the baby from your money, is it not his baby too?
It sounds like he's getting a good deal if I'm honest.
His gambling addiction is his responsibility, not yours.
He sounds like he's bad with money and spends frivolously on things he doesn't need. I can understand the lunches but he needs to cut back elsewhere to afford them.

We get £600 each and our income is a lot higher than yours (we save a fair amount of this). Neither of us would dream of taking personal lunches out of the joint account. Packed lunches from home yes, cafes no.

Sorry but we earn more than you two and I couldn't contemplate spending that much on lunches out every day.

Not financiers but my dh drives a truck with no fridge so we bought him a good cool bag and he puts an ice pack in it each day to keep his good and drinks cold. Try this and if he's still buying his lunch then that's a personal choice.

Personally I think the allowance is fine, he just needs to be more careful. As you said he's the spender and if he's had a gambling issue previously then his relationship with money is poor to start with.!

If he works overtime you have to cover by looking after the dc so it's not a case of 'he does more hours' as it impacts you. Also does it mean that when you go back to work full time you keep anything extra? I'm sure he won't like that idea either. I think again this goes back to having a poor relationship with money. Can he see someone about this, or maybe you both go together to talk it through with a counsellor.

Oh and stop clothing the baby out of your money. It's a joint expense

We each get £500 a month- on a good joint income. DH is currently saving most of his to buy a very old campervan, and most of mine gets used on a ski holiday and a few weekends away.

I go into the office twice a week and bring my own coffee and breakfast. I used to bring lunch but getting a bit lazy. Anything I buy to eat comes from my solo money, but pack lunches from the household groceries.

Actually rereading the OP, I can see how it would be a bit grim to miss the opportunity to talk to your coworkers over lunch. I can also see it would be hugely frustrating to know he could have that opportunity by cancelling unused gym membership and buying a cheaper phone.

I would actually sit down with him, treat him like an adult and go through all of the finances together, how much you need to be saving per month etc., and say to him "OK, so how do you want to make this work?"

The mental load should not all be on you to manage this.

From £4k income per month, £600 each is a generous personal allowance. I can't see how you could have much more than that and still be saving.

When you go through everything with him, it should become clear that he cannot spend as much as he is spending and maintain healthy finances. This is just maths.

He's not thinking about the big picture of your finances, that load is all on you and that's not fair - he needs to be a more active participant in this.

He needs to take some ownership and problem solve. He could cut out the £60 per month gym membership which he's not using for a start.

And you are right, it's not fair for him to work overtime for his own personal gain if that leaves you home with a child and detracts from family life. I would not stand for that at all.

There's also no way that every truck driver is spending £10-15 a day on food. They're just not. He can cut back on that, he just doesn't want to.

£10-£15 per day on lunch is a huge amount. Does he really need to spend that? Even going to a cafe couldn’t he just order something cheap and drink tap water then bring snacks from home? I don’t think you have a big enough income to have £600 each per month, you are barely saving between you.

We have £100 each a month. That's for clothes, hair, dinners out etc. Our joint pot pays for petrol, pets, phone bills etc.

I think £600 each is a LOT & your DHs issue is that he spends too much money on lunches but that's his issue & he need to either accept his choice to do so or sort our a cheaper lunch alternative.

I have always done finances the same way and the personal allowance has always varied based on how well off we were at that time. So on mat leave it went down to 250. But otherwise around 500 etc.

I think 600 a month each relative to your income is plenty. I also wouldn't want to up it when it was just a matter of someone being bad with money. I have a lot more money to myself these days thankfully but still only buy myself a treat lunch once a week. Its just not good value. Where i am its 7-8 pounds just for a sandwich.
To be burning through more and only putting 200 a month into joint savings is not right.

Maybe just tune his moaning out. Id imagine he would moan at 700 or 800 tbh. If there is a risk he would get tempted and have a blow out please please protect the savings. And check experian once a month.

If he insists. Could the compromise be that he does an agreed amount of overtime that you are happy to cover and he keeps half of that. The other half goes to you/joint.

I think @vivaespanaole has it. He would moan even if he had £1000 to fritter away each month, and as you're right at the other end of the spending spectrum there is a huge disparity.

I couldn't live with a man like that. DH used to be a bit of a big spender on ridiculous things, but he at least had the virtue of being a high earner and gambling is limited to the occasional risky investment on the stock market.

I would acknowledge that it would indeed be nice for him to eat with his pals a couple of times a week, and explain he could cancel his gym contract to do so. I'd also get him a really nice flask - cutting out takeout coffees will save him a fortune.

Then I'd sit him down and explain how his moaning about money - when he has more personal disposable income than most people - makes you feel. If that doesn't work I'd put some of what you're saving into joint counselling to get some professional perspective.

Christ. We have a higher income and only take £100 per month each! But then it is literally only for discretionary spending, e.g. coffee out, saving for gifts. I pay for kindle unlimited, my costa addiction and random stationary from mine. No idea what DH does.

All our other expenses such as phone bill, gym etc come from the joint account.

I think the PP is right and no amount is enough. I think the lunches are a red herring, you said yourself he’s a gambler. Suspect much of his huge amount just vanishes…

All things for baby clothes, toys and equipment should come out of joint spending or is the baby not DH's? Your DH sounds terrible with money. £600 is a huge amount to spend each week. DH and I both pay an equal amount into the joint account each month and it pays for mortgage, all bills, fuel, food, activities for child, child's clothes and pocket money and joint gifts to family. The rest we each keep as we earn roughly the same. Out of my money I buy occasional breakfast out, any occasional lunches out, gifts for DH, any treats for my nieces and nephews if I see them, my clothes, my mobile, any money I give to my adult children or dgc and standing order to Cats Protection League. DH pays his Vegetarian subscription, cinema if he goes, takeaway if he gets one, his clothes, his mobile, occasionally eating out and gifts for me. I spend about £50-£80 per week and DH spends about the same. We can afford to spend a lot more but don't feel the need. Your DH needs to learn to budget his money. He could cancel his gym membership and save money. Don't give in to him.

£600 seems a lot but that's what you agreed. His lunches - out of his own allowance. But I think there's a difference between working in an office with a comfy seat, a loo, a microwave, a fridge and colleagues - AND sitting on your own in a van eating a warm sandwich that you made at 5am.
A proper lunch is a work essential for some sort of jobs.

We have £200pm each but that is purely on our own spends. For me it's beauty treatments, gym and makeup, for him he saves up for his techy stuff. We top up our own spends with bank switch money.

Mostly everything else, ie essentials, comes out of joint spends like petrol, clothing, pet costs, mobile phone.

He should be paying for his babies clothes too!

He needs to pay for kids expenses out of joint money

and stop wasting money on food, tell him to buy just a cup of tea when his mates all have a fry up. He can sit with them and chat.

he would burn through 5k personal spends a month.

you both need to save more for future expenses

An you approach this differently by setting some long term goals and priorities and then seeing how to get there?

£600 each is loads. The fact that you use some of yours for things that should be joint and he is using his solely on himself doesn't seem very fair.

How are your pensions? Is he self employed? What emergency fund do you have in case one of you can't work? If all the long term things are covered, then £600 per month for short term really shouldn't be hard to stick to.

If gambling is still a problem then using some of that to get therapy would be a good investment. It seems with the gambling, nights out, lunches out etc he's still in a single man mindset. I'm not having a go at him, I am constantly learning to be better at money. But there will need to be a compromise somewhere as you only have so much money to go round.