Personal money allocation out of joint money

[R41NB0W2022]

Hi,
I‘ve read other threads and seen that a lot of couples have a similar set up to me in the way they divide their money: all money in one pot, then both take an equal amount for personal spending.

I’m wondering how much everyone takes out of that joint pot for their personal allocation?

A brief bit of background info to explain our relationship with money:
-DH has a gambling addiction that’s been going on for over a decade, before we even met, but I didn’t find out about it until we were a few years into our relationship.

-We both openly agree that I’m naturally quite good at saving and he isn’t.

-I do all of the house admin.

Our combined wages usually come to just over 4Kpcm. He earns more than me and I work part-time as it wasn’t actually cost effective with childcare costs to work more days. Our mortgage and bills are about £1900pcm. Then our food would be about £500pcm. We both take £600 each (£1,200 total from joint pcm)for our personal allowance. Leaving about £400 a month for either joint savings or spending on joint activities.

Our £600 personal allowance also covers any personal bills.

I use my £600 to pay my phone bill (£7.50), any vet bills (£40 average), dog grooming (£20 average), petrol (£80), I also usually buy our baby’s clothes, and then the rest is on the occasional coffee/meal with a friend, makeup, birthday presents for my family, clothes and the rest goes into savings. I usually manage to put £200 into savings each month.

DH does say I don’t need to pay for the dog out of my own money but the dog was mine before we married and I don’t feel it’s fair to put the financial responsibility on DH for something he had no initial part in.

DH spending of the £600 personal money: DH has about £100pcm Invisalign (he went to a top private practice and has paid thousands more than other people we know because he didn’t research), phone bill (£40), gym (£60) (that he doesn’t go to). That leaves him with £400 roughly every month. Every month, DH complains that the £600 isn’t enough money and has nothing left.

He works in a trade and drives in a van to multiple different locations every day. He complains that he doesn’t want to sit in his van to eat warm food, so he goes to a drive through, shop or a cafe for lunch. He spends about £10/£15 a day on his lunches. He goes on a big night out with friends about once, sometimes twice a month and spends £100 roughly a night.

I’m more than happy for him to buy food and make lunches using our joint account but I don’t think it’s fair for him to use our joint money to buy lunches out every day when that’s genuinely a choice. In the past he has returned home with his packed lunch uneaten because he didn’t fancy it, or his colleagues were all going to a cafe so he didn’t want to miss out.

DH said he was going to work overtime and keep any overtime money for himself so that he could have more than £600 as it wasn’t enough for him. I felt this wasn’t fair because we have a DC so the only way DH can work that overtime is if I’m looking after DC.
DH is frustrated that he can’t get more than £600 for personal use each month.
He has said that one of his gambling triggers is when he feels stressed with money so this then makes me worry that I’m putting that on him.

I’ve never worked in a trade job or had to eat in a van every day so I know I can’t fully understand his situation but I do feel he’s trying to live beyond his means and wants everything without any cut backs. I also know that I do feel anxious and controlling around joint money because of his gambling.

So, what does everyone usually take out of their joint pot for personal spending?

Is spending £10/£15 a day on food and drink normal for people who are in a trade and are constantly at different locations?

Thank you for reading the long post!

I'd put petrol, baby clothes, phones, pets all out of the joint account.

I'd also increase the savings amount straight from salary.

And so the personal spends can be reduced.

£15 for lunch, everyday, is a massive spend.

We don't have a set amount. Both our salaries get paid into the same account and we both buy what we want out of it. We check with each other if we want to spend £££ on something so that we're not both spending big in the same month, but tbh it's rare that either of us spend £££ unless it's a joint decision for something for the house, or a holiday, new car etc.

I guess we do things a bit differently because rather than dividing it we just put our spending money for the week in one Revolut account and we both spend from that. I probably definitely spend more than him and a lot of it goes on lunches etc but thankfully he doesn't care enough to track it! I buy stuff for our child and dog from this account too.

£600 is a good amount. Have you suggested cancelling the gym to him? How long more will he have the Invisalign payments for? Those 2 things would free up a lot more money. He should try get a cheaper phone plan too if he can. I totally get him not wanting to sit in his van eating lunch alone everyday, that sounds like a miserable experience but he needs to budget for it. Maybe some days he can just grab cheaper deli food and eat in the park or something. It sounds like his colleagues don't eat together everyday so he can try and do something cheaper the days they aren't.

I wouldn't raise the £600 amount honestly. I wouldn't want to drop below the £400 a month savings.

Thank you everyone for your responses.

It seems from your responses that most people are taking all bills out of the joint pot and then taking a small portion out for personal spending.

In response to some of your questions:
-My baby is DH baby.

-I buy a lot of her things myself because I feel that our joint account is already under so much pressure and I’m trying to take off some of that pressure because I don’t spend as much of my money. I know it doesn’t make it fair/right that I’m doing that and DH always says I should just use the joint but the joint account is so small that we just can’t really afford much else.

-I really don’t think we could afford more than £600 a month on what we have.

-I completely agree that he would spend 5k a month if it was available to him.

-We have had a few counselling sessions together but the counsellor doesn’t seem like the right fit for us; she’s very spiritual and speaks of energies and vibes rather than actual constructive solutions. So I think we’re going to search around for a different one as our marriage still needs help

I do believe that his poor relationship with money has been largely influenced by his parents and my good relationship with money was influenced by my mum. He grew up with his mum crying to him about her money worries, literally not metaphorically, (prior counselling uncovered that this remains a massive gambling trigger as he hates the feeling of being poor). However- they were not poor!!!! They lived in a detached 4 bed, his dad went to the pub regularly, his mum got her nails and hair done, his dad went on fishing holidays with his friend and his mum went clothes shopping every single weekend. I know they’re entitled to live their life but that’s not the life of actual poor people, and to put that financial burden on your son who still fears that feeling which triggers his gambling addiction is extremely frustrating for me.

I grew up with a single mum who budgeted strictly. She shopped in charity shops, bought non-branded food, didn’t get takeaways or if we did it was a treat, went for dinners out using vouchers etc. so I’ve seen a very different role model of how you can still enjoy your life whilst being careful. Whereas his example was to live however you want but literally cry about being poor when they definitely were not poor just not wealthy.

We’ve had a good conversation tonight and he does want to make positive changes to his life overall. Crossing my fingers.

We don't have a set amount as our income fluctuates depending on overtime and unsocial allowances.
We have a set amount for bills and mortgage (1800 roughly), an amount for groceries and general spending for the household (£900) which all stays in the joint account, a separate account for DS spending and activities (£300 a month I realise this is high but he does a few activities and it doesn't all get spent every month), savings go aside at the start of the month £800 for us and £100 for DS and we divide whatever is left in two. Some months it's £500 each others it's up to double that. I save more than DH does, but that saving is for me not household stuff, so if I want to buy something expensive for myself the money is there (just replaced my favourite perfume which is about £100 a bottle!)
We earn well, but applied the same model when we earned less and might only have £200 a month each.
You shouldn't be paying for baby things yourself, if your joint account is tight and you're not saving a huge amount (£400 but ad hoc spending also comes out of that), you need to take less each, not more, you already have less to spend on yourself than he does because you're covering the dog and the baby.

I never realised people worked their finances like this. We each put in a % of the house bills to our joint account each month (% is calculated according to our wage split) then we each keep what's left of our own wages. So whoever earns the most obviously has more personal spending money left over each month. I assumed everyone did that.

This is okay for many people who earn a roughly similar amount, but what if one person earns 10 x the other?
The poorer person will not be able to afford the same lifestyle, holidays, cars, meals out, clothes.
I couldn’t be in a relationship where I could afford 4* hotels, while my spouse slept in the tent in the camping site a mile away

And children and caring for them do tend to mean one person earns less by working part time for a few years.

All in one pot and equal spending money over the long years of a happy relationship often means the bigger earner can swop and then swop back

I gave up my career to let DH follow his dreams. Why should I have less spends because we made a decision, as a family, to prioritise his career?
We earn more, as a team, by maximizing DHs earnings. FWIW, I out earned him when we met, but he had the greater potential. We've maximized that, but I sure as heck aren't going to guarantee him have more spends as well.
Spends are equal. Domestic stuff is equal (ish!).

@Silvergoldandglitter I out earn my husband always have, sometimes by more than other times. He jokes that every time we nearly equal out it prompts me to get another promotion (I am known to be competitive but this isn't the case!).
He doesn't work less hard than I do, so why would I want to see him unable to afford the things I do? We're a partnership. At one point he retrained did a second degree and professional qualifications I earned a lot more than he did during that time, but he was working his backside off. I'd feel very odd about one of us having a lot more money than the other. Equally there was no hesitation that I would take my full year mat leave and whilst belts were tightened we both had less to spend.

@Silvergoldandglitter we pool all money and the total is ours. So although my husband out earns me dramatically he has the same £150 a month I do for frivolities.

We take £500 each a month on a much higher joint income. Packed lunches are out of the joint account, frittering money away in cafes etc is down to us to use our own money. I don’t think your DH should get a further £15 a day just because he doesn’t want to make packed lunch!
as for his gambling triggers, he needs counselling for that. He is not “poor” on £600 a month personal spends

We take home £3K each per month, all in the joint pot and we get £250 each for discretionary spending. All bills including gym, phones etc come out of the joint account. Also if it's something big like hair coloured etc then you get extra 'allowance' to cover it!

The £250 is for things like make up, lunch with friends, coffees, sweets for the kids, completely discretionary stuff.

Not all of his mates are spending £200/£300 a month on lunches. With the COL crisis, many families will be struggling. Not many will be able to justify that spend at the moment.

I think £600pp pm is a huge amount.
Although petrol and clothes for the dc would come out of the household pot.

We have £120 a month each. I still save from that.

I think everything you said in your post at 19:50 is very telling about your respective families' attitude to money. My attitude is the same as your Mum's. It was having different attitudes to money that led us to having our own "pocket money" that we could do what we like with , without the other questioning it.

We have roughly the same income and take £300 each so half of your personal spends. Bills come to £900, we save £1500 and keep £1000 to cover fuel, food and entertainment.

I think he is obviously bad with money if he is a gambler and won't cut back on buying lunches out so you can save for your children so I certainly would not agree to increasing that £600. £300 on just lunches is a lot. Not sure I would want to raise a family with a man like that though. He sounds selfish and lazy.

We each have £750 a month (albeit we pay for our own phones and things like contact lenses, gym etc out of that). I'll be scaling that back to £650 each soon when we re-mortgage. We take home around £6500 net though so proportionality not too bad.

If we did that I'd have a lot less!! You need to work together and be more strategic with your money. DH earns a bit more than me but I'm still on a good wage. Because I work for a big company, we got our car (electric) through them so that's deducted off my salary, all insurances, and I hammer money into my pension to bring me into the lower tax bracket. I also have some sharesave schemes. So on a salary of £76k I only take home £2,600 pm but obvs get a lot out of it for us. DH works for a smaller company so doesn't get as many benefits but does earn more - take home £4K net after pension. So that's pooled and we each get the same 'spends'

We get £150 a month each - phone bills, commuting costs, pet food etc come out of the joint account. Anything for the kids comes out of the family money pot.

£150 doesn't go far but it is all we can stretch to. I try and save some of that each month but it is tricky. I haven't had my hair cut in years (not prepared to spend a quarter of month money on it!) and I have to say no to a lot of invites as I can basically do one or two nights out a month and that is being careful while out! I can't join a gym, or really have any hobbies that cost money.

£600 a month would be a fucking dream

The only reason DH earns more than I do is because I took ten years out of full time work (worked part time for most of that) to look after the children. If we hadn't had kids I'd be earning more than DH by now.

That was my choice, but it was a joint decision and I don't see why DH should have more money to spend than I do when we both work full time (and let's face it, I still do the wifework too!)

We place equal value on the time I was unpaid looking after the kids as DH going out to work.

We are a team!

Sounds like you have a lot of resentment over his wasteful spending. He needs to play his part in the team. If he can’t see how spending £60/month at a gym he doesn’t go to is moronic, or wasting £10/15 a day on a work lunch, AND that grates on you, then you need to re-align on your values.

He has said that one of his gambling triggers is when he feels stressed with money so this then makes me worry that I’m putting that on him.

Red flag, what a stupid thing for him to say.

You paying for DC out of your own "personal" money

Red flag, DC is a shared expense so would come out of joint budget.

DH and I earn considerably more than your situation, and I became very cross when I realised DH was spending £10-15 a day on lunches. I think it's selfish and wasteful.

He wants a champagne life on a beer budget and he needs to grow up.

Buying lunch once a week is a nice treat. Every day is taking the piss.

He should cancel the gym membership he isn't using.

You need to stop shielding him from the reality of family finances- baby clothes are a joint expense.

He needs to go to counselling alone for his gambling, fucked up relationship with money, insecurity and the enmeshed and messed up way his mother burdened him with money worries.

You're approaching it as a relationship issue, and it's become one- but the problem is him.

We have £300-£400 a month spending on if it’s been a 4 or 5 week month the one previous. Personal money is to lunch is you can’t be bothered to make a pack up, drinks with friends, haircuts, clothes, shoes and any personal wants. Everything else comes out of the joint money.
My other half would easily get through double that if we had it as he isn’t a very good saver and tendencies to gamble/get into debt! This is the main reason why we do the joint money and then have personal spends.
I show him our budget from time to time, has access to our savings etc so all visible but I’m the one that ‘controls’ the money if you like!

I earn more than twice what he does and I hardly ever spend that much on lunch. Such a waste of money. It makes me so sad that so many women put up with such shit behaviour from men. You're already subsidising him by paying for your baby on your own. But its still not enough for him. Id be getting back to work and focusing on maxing your income potential as soon as you can. It doesn't sound like he is willing to change, and his behaviour is going to wear very thin over the years.

Its a threat, I want more or I will gamble. Abusive.