Personal money allocation out of joint money

[R41NB0W2022]

Hi,
I‘ve read other threads and seen that a lot of couples have a similar set up to me in the way they divide their money: all money in one pot, then both take an equal amount for personal spending.

I’m wondering how much everyone takes out of that joint pot for their personal allocation?

A brief bit of background info to explain our relationship with money:
-DH has a gambling addiction that’s been going on for over a decade, before we even met, but I didn’t find out about it until we were a few years into our relationship.

-We both openly agree that I’m naturally quite good at saving and he isn’t.

-I do all of the house admin.

Our combined wages usually come to just over 4Kpcm. He earns more than me and I work part-time as it wasn’t actually cost effective with childcare costs to work more days. Our mortgage and bills are about £1900pcm. Then our food would be about £500pcm. We both take £600 each (£1,200 total from joint pcm)for our personal allowance. Leaving about £400 a month for either joint savings or spending on joint activities.

Our £600 personal allowance also covers any personal bills.

I use my £600 to pay my phone bill (£7.50), any vet bills (£40 average), dog grooming (£20 average), petrol (£80), I also usually buy our baby’s clothes, and then the rest is on the occasional coffee/meal with a friend, makeup, birthday presents for my family, clothes and the rest goes into savings. I usually manage to put £200 into savings each month.

DH does say I don’t need to pay for the dog out of my own money but the dog was mine before we married and I don’t feel it’s fair to put the financial responsibility on DH for something he had no initial part in.

DH spending of the £600 personal money: DH has about £100pcm Invisalign (he went to a top private practice and has paid thousands more than other people we know because he didn’t research), phone bill (£40), gym (£60) (that he doesn’t go to). That leaves him with £400 roughly every month. Every month, DH complains that the £600 isn’t enough money and has nothing left.

He works in a trade and drives in a van to multiple different locations every day. He complains that he doesn’t want to sit in his van to eat warm food, so he goes to a drive through, shop or a cafe for lunch. He spends about £10/£15 a day on his lunches. He goes on a big night out with friends about once, sometimes twice a month and spends £100 roughly a night.

I’m more than happy for him to buy food and make lunches using our joint account but I don’t think it’s fair for him to use our joint money to buy lunches out every day when that’s genuinely a choice. In the past he has returned home with his packed lunch uneaten because he didn’t fancy it, or his colleagues were all going to a cafe so he didn’t want to miss out.

DH said he was going to work overtime and keep any overtime money for himself so that he could have more than £600 as it wasn’t enough for him. I felt this wasn’t fair because we have a DC so the only way DH can work that overtime is if I’m looking after DC.
DH is frustrated that he can’t get more than £600 for personal use each month.
He has said that one of his gambling triggers is when he feels stressed with money so this then makes me worry that I’m putting that on him.

I’ve never worked in a trade job or had to eat in a van every day so I know I can’t fully understand his situation but I do feel he’s trying to live beyond his means and wants everything without any cut backs. I also know that I do feel anxious and controlling around joint money because of his gambling.

So, what does everyone usually take out of their joint pot for personal spending?

Is spending £10/£15 a day on food and drink normal for people who are in a trade and are constantly at different locations?

Thank you for reading the long post!

I work for a construction company. Almost all our workers on site have packed lunches except for Fridays which are called Fat Friday and anyone with access calls to a local sandwich shop for bacon/sausage baps or a breakfast box.

£600 per month each is a lot. I generally have about £700, but most of that I tend to save then if something special comes up (eg the opportunity for me and dd to go to Eurovision) I can.

Dh works in another city one day per week. He tends to spend around £5 on his lunch from a cafe but he also does buy a coffee and a hot chocolate for ds who is at uni in the city dh works in for this one day.

To be fair, when you're not wfh it's scarily easy to burn through £10-15 per day.
I'm as stingy as they come, but was in the office for 3 days this week, rather than my usual two. As I'd not been on top of the shopping I ended up buying lunch two days, and because I don't eat carbs it came to well over £10 for 2 lunches. I got myself in hand for the third day.

Doesn't mean he should get more money though, just means he needs to decide if lunches out are the top priority for him.

We get £150 a month, it's all we can afford.
I've cut back on things like having my nails done- I desperately miss it but I have to make my money work for me.
I think his attitude is childish to be honest and he clearly has a long way to go with working through his money issues.

@strawberry2017 we have the same amount each and with the cost of everything it really doesn't go far at all. Like you we've just had to cut back for now and hope in the future we can up it a bit.

Both of our income goes into the main joint account, then whatever's left at the end of the month after all bills (inc savings) get debited out the account, we just split 50/50 to give ourselves to our own individual accounts as "pocket money".

We have multiple savings accounts, that cover things like clothing, holiday, car (petrol/insurance/MOT/repairs) etc. So then for stuff like clothes, essentials come out of the dedicated clothes savings account. But if we wanted to buy some extra clothing that's just "want" and not a "need" then we would use our pocket money. And then for holiday, we'd use the holiday savings to pay for the actual holiday, but for spending money on the holiday we'd have to use our own pocket money.

Since this post we have had some quite honest conversations and he knows he has quite a lot of work to do on himself in many areas. He’s been to the gym this week and taken lunch a couple of times. He is definitely committed to fixing our relationship overall and wants to better himself in order to be a better husband and dad. So I guess I can only wait and see.

I don’t personally see it as a red flag/abuse that he’s told me that he feels triggered to gamble when he’s feeling financial pressure. I think he was just trying to be honest about one of the reasons he does it. Perhaps it is abusive/unfair as a by product but I don’t think it was intentional. I’m also not one to defend DH when he’s wrong and I would say if I thought he was being abusive. Or maybe I’m being naive to it.

I think that I do need another conversation with him about our finances so he has a better picture of where our money goes and explain why I’ve been paying for things from my own money rather than the joint.
Hopefully we can get our joint finances in better order.

I’m genuinely really grateful to everyone for sharing their own personal finances. Thank you

Sounds positive, but don’t let him get away with anything that does not sound right or genuine

We don't have personal allowances, just spend what we want and are on same income as OP. If we wish to make a larger purchase (over £50 for eg) we talk about it. Regular large purchases (ie hair salon) we don't have a conversation. I tend to set up savings accounts and credit cards etc and we discuss it all beforehand.

It works for us, personally I would hate to have an allowance as I am not a child.

£500 each, approx £100 goes on personal bills and £400 each for free spending.

He doesn’t have to eat in his van every day, just 1-2 days a week and then he can use his £100 p/ week to fund the other days eating out… he’s getting plenty, and let him know he needs to sort childcare or pay you for your time if he wants to do overtime to earn more!