disagreeing with dh - he can't see his privilege

SeasonFinale · 04/05/2023 16:38

Guess it depends how much he earns to have that left over as it's all relative and subjective. Yes many people don't have that amount left but do many who earn what you both do have more left over?

Original poster

kellyjelly1 · 04/05/2023 16:42

SeasonFinale · 04/05/2023 16:38

Guess it depends how much he earns to have that left over as it's all relative and subjective. Yes many people don't have that amount left but do many who earn what you both do have more left over?

Hi, We take home around 5k between us so I think that it's about 24-25% of our take home pay - seems ok to me

OP posts:

Cupcakequeen75 · 04/05/2023 16:44

Why should it be a privilege to have over £1k left after bills have been paid? It is almost as if you have joined the race to the bottom.
SOME people don't have that much so you see it as a privilege that YOU have and your husband is out of order for feeling you should have more for all the hard work you are both putting in.

Some have more, some have less and that is how life is but there is nothing wrong with wanting more for your family.

Replitad · 04/05/2023 16:46

List out your expensas, I bet there's áreas where you can make savings

sillysmiles · 04/05/2023 16:47

I am getting annoyed that he can't see his privilege AIBU

My reading of this though is that a joint income of 5K per month you should be able to afford nice things and have a nice lifestyle - he's not wrong. Yes you are privilege not to be on the breadline, but the breadline should be rushing up to meet you.

3FriendsAndADog · 04/05/2023 16:53

You’re both right tbh.

You ARE privileged and earn a decent (combined) wage.

I am Wondering what your DH thinks he should be able to do. Is it more fancy dinners, holidays, less work for the same amount? That will tell you what he is dissatisfied about. And it not might be what you are thinking about.

Original poster

kellyjelly1 · 04/05/2023 16:54

Cupcakequeen75 · 04/05/2023 16:44

Why should it be a privilege to have over £1k left after bills have been paid? It is almost as if you have joined the race to the bottom.
SOME people don't have that much so you see it as a privilege that YOU have and your husband is out of order for feeling you should have more for all the hard work you are both putting in.

Some have more, some have less and that is how life is but there is nothing wrong with wanting more for your family.

I get your point. I think that for me, it's due to me being brought up with not much spare money. To have my own home, be able to afford the bills and food and have a decent amount leftover feels good to me. I just wish he wouldn't feel so hard done by

OP posts:

tribpot · 04/05/2023 16:59

Does he have any solutions to offer? Ways you could either increase your income or decrease your outgoings to have more spare money each month? It's a shame he doesn't have a bit more empathy to think 'if we're struggling with the cost of living increases, how the hell are people on lower incomes managing?'.

BranchGold · 04/05/2023 16:59

It’s a tricky one. I don’t think it’s about anyone being right or wrong, but different mindsets.

I try to live my life fully grateful of everything I have and the comforts and opportunities that I know so many others don’t have access to.

Im also increasingly aware of the levels of inequality we are currently living in, and the gulf getting bigger. More and more people who would have been comfortable, done everything they’ve been told to do, are getting swallowed up in borderline serfdom.

Jackienory · 04/05/2023 17:03

Do you both earn that same ?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2023 17:06

What does he want? Fancy things, holidays, savings, what?

Because if he's miserable stop whining and start prioritising what you want.

Does he actually like his job? If not, retrain and get one he does. Caveat, most people either quite like all jobs or don't. Job satisfaction is heritable.

Mitfordian · 04/05/2023 17:07

Not every bit of good fortune or achievement needs to be chalked up to 'privelege', despite what The Guardian and co would have you believe.

I wouldn't like my partner to be so bloody sanctimonious. But equally, he should probably recognise that it could be worse!

Original poster

kellyjelly1 · 04/05/2023 17:10

Jackienory · 04/05/2023 17:03

Do you both earn that same ?

yes there isn't much in it

OP posts:

greenspaces4peace · 04/05/2023 17:14

that's about L30 per person per day.
if car fuel and mid week food is needed it goes pretty quickly
and on a decent income it's sad to have to watch pennies.
i understand why he feels like he is getting nowhere fast.

Original poster

kellyjelly1 · 04/05/2023 17:15

greenspaces4peace · 04/05/2023 17:14

that's about L30 per person per day.
if car fuel and mid week food is needed it goes pretty quickly
and on a decent income it's sad to have to watch pennies.
i understand why he feels like he is getting nowhere fast.

Car fuel and food are already accounted for

OP posts:

HadalyEve · 04/05/2023 17:18

kellyjelly1 · 04/05/2023 16:31

So me and dh had a big disagreement last night over money. He constantly whinges about how hard we work and how we should have more spare cash etc etc

At the moment, after all bills, food and livings costs we are left with £1200 per month that we can either save or spend on non-essential items. I feel very fortunate to be in this position, whereas he thinks that it's a poor amount for how hard we work

I am getting annoyed that he can't see his privilege AIBU

What specifically did you disagree on regarding money?
It wasn’t a disagreement regarding privilege as in ‘you’re privileged’ vs ‘no I’m not’ ?

Is one of you more of a saver and the other a spender?

tailinthejam · 04/05/2023 17:20

The work 'privilege' has become rather overused of late, and I'm not entirely sure it is the appropriate word for the meaning you are trying to get across.

Perhaps rephrased that the two of you are slightly more fortunate than others who are less well off, and he might see the point.

SarahAndQuack · 04/05/2023 17:27

I think I understand you, OP - I would also feel a bit hurt by that. It sort of takes away from your hard work, doesn't it? And his own hard work, I suppose.

Plus it's not fun living with someone who is a complainer. Can you not find a way to say to him that it's getting you down, and sometimes it'd be nice just to feel as if he appreciates how hard you both work, rather than always hearing that he wants more?

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 04/05/2023 17:35

I would find someone who told me to "see or check my privilege" as equally irratating as someone who moaned all the time.

Iwrote · 04/05/2023 17:44

Is it short term, do you have childcare bills etc?
I know people love on a lot less, but if you save £200 each for short, medium and long term you're down to £300 each fun money, which unfortunately doesn't go far any more.
It can feel a bit dismal to work hard but feel you've got enough spare money.

WashableVelvet · 04/05/2023 17:50

Would it cheer him up to know we take home more but have the same amount left each month? 🤦‍♀️😉

CantGetDecentNickname · 04/05/2023 17:53

I always think of "privilege" as being given something without having had to work for it. So I think you are both working hard and doing well and have disposable income. Trouble is, your glass is half-full about this and his is half-empty which is probably because you are comparing yourself with a poor upbringing and he is probably looking at his peers who appear to have more disposable income than him.

I wouldn't go on about it, but if he compares the two of you unfavourably against others, do point out that you can't always tell how well someone is doing from their spending habits as some don't like to spend much and others borrow to spend so it looks as though they have more than they do. Perhaps you could get some financial advice about how to save a sensible amount and invest some for the future and plan a nice holiday. He can see how well he is doing then.

If he feels he should be doing better for his efforts, he could think about gaining some new skills to have better job opportunities.

shivawn · 05/05/2023 07:17

Your income is good but your outgoing are very high, that's probably why your husband feels you should have more spare cash. The £1200 is before savings too so not just spending money.

Telling him to "check his privilege" everytime he wants to have a moan is very high and mighty and would really irritate me.

Mochinated · 05/05/2023 07:33

5k should be a lot but isn't. We bring in around 5k a month too.

This month we were going to end up overdrawn, I had to put yet more on a credit card. Sat down and worked out why we were so short. It was school wrap around for summer term, summer holiday club, car service and MOT, caravan holiday deposit. Total over 1500. To stand still we have 3500 going out each month (mgage, utilities, council tax, phones, nursery fees, fuel etc. and food). So with those 1-off expenses, we were left with zero this month for weekend outings, clothes, toys etc.

To budget properly you're supposed to take all of the one-off expenses through the year and divide them by 12 to find the true monthly cost of living. I have always suspected if I did that, I'd cry.

I can see his point. It's depressing to have an average or above average salary, a job that is likely high stress, but just be stuck paying out and never see savings build up.

Changeforachange · 05/05/2023 07:48

I'm with you OP.

I dont know if it's so much recognising privilege as showing gratitude?

There's so many factors that bring you to a place with a comfortable home, enough food in the fridge & 1k left at the end of the month and it most definitely isn't all down to hard work. I've worked with people who do a hard, physical job 6 days a week for minimum wage - I don't deserve anything more than them, I'm just incredibly lucky to be born in my shoes & with the opportunities that came my way.

I don't know why anyone would chose to consistently whinge about what they haven't got when they could chose to see they have so much, but replies on here seem to go against that.