disagreeing with dh - he can't see his privilege

[kellyjelly1]

So me and dh had a big disagreement last night over money. He constantly whinges about how hard we work and how we should have more spare cash etc etc

At the moment, after all bills, food and livings costs we are left with £1200 per month that we can either save or spend on non-essential items. I feel very fortunate to be in this position, whereas he thinks that it's a poor amount for how hard we work

I am getting annoyed that he can't see his privilege AIBU

I think I’m with your DH tbh, £600 each a month to enjoy yourself and buy things like clothes, make up, bits for the house isn’t a whole lot especially if you want to save. Our take home is similar to yours and we have about £2.5k leftover which gives us the ability to save and have a decent amount of fun bucks.

Our mortgage repayments are very small though (£548/month). It won’t be the same when we have to renew in 2026!

YABU.

is it a Priviledge to work - earn money - have somewhere in the region of 30 to 50% removed from you, due to NI, Tax, Cost of working, pensions, set against a backdrop of ever increasing costs, welfare state, awfull nhs and a society degenerating, on the back of liberal policies, particularly in regards to how women are treated and crimes punished not to mention various ideologies, as well as hate against the hardest working in society, because of the jobs they do.

I’m thankfull that I’m at the end of my career, and don’t have to put up with such terminology as though it is a priviledge.

I came to the realisation that our system of work is nothing more than indentured slavery. We continue to be serfs, and somehow we’ve ended up squabbling amongst ourselves for scraps at the table.

as for advice for DH, don’t pretend to be thankfull for your scraps, but rather work as a team to play the game to a point where you no longer have to play the game.

But that’s not a privilege if you have to work hard to achieve it.
If someone told me I was privileged to have that amount of money, I’d be pretty annoyed. My DH and I have worked very hard to get where we are in life. We are comfortable with a similar amount of spare cash each month. I’m fortunate to have been able to get myself in this position, but it’s mostly been of my own doing.

I get where he is coming from tbh, if I was to look at it another way based on my outgoings with your incomings that would leave me over £3k a month for fun or save

I assume, your outgoings are more, even just the basics, mortgage, commute money, childcare? But I think if I was pulling in that type of money, I would want more fun money than £600

I have similar discussions with DH - we're high earners but I put a lot into pensions which means our 'spend as we like' money isn't as high as he'd like. I think it's plenty but not enough for eating out every week and buying lots of new clothes. I remind DH that if he'd put more into his pension before we met we wouldn't be playing catch up now! I read stories on here about people struggling to make a tenner last the week so in that context we're very privileged but like another poster said it shouldn't be a race to the bottom. We live in a society where people earn more than others and that's ok. But no-one should have to choose between heating and eating.

Would be interesting to know where the rest of your money is going as thats a lot on bills. We follow the 50% 30% 20% rule - 50% of our joint income on bills, 30% on wants (fun spending) and 20% on savings.

I think regardless of whether he’s being privileged, you thinking he is isn’t a very helpful way to frame a discussion between you... it probably puts him on the defensive to be told his feelings are “wrong”.

Better to approach with a bit of curiousity, what does he currently feel you’re missing out on? Is there a way you can actually have the things he wants, or some of them, by sticking to a tighter budget on other stuff?

We bring in about £4.1k a month and have around £2.2k left after bills, petrol and food are accounted for. We are a family of four so not sure if it’s comparable, you didn’t mention family size. But TBH if I was your husband I may be feeling a bit stretched. £1,200 won’t necessarily go far if you’ve got to save as well as having personal spending money (assuming this accounts for clothes, socialising, hobby purchases), holidays, gifts, if you have kids then kid expenses add up too. We do save a decent amount of our £2.2k but would feel pinched if we only had £1.2k.

Anyway, regardless of who is right, is it worth arguing over? Can you empathise with his feelings and help problem solve ways to make your finances better, without feeling defensive? Can he agree that moaning gets you down and try to look on things more positively?

Meant to say but we follow this 50/30/20 framework too.

The talk of 'privilege' is so sanctimonious, boring and irritating. Such an over used term. Counting your blessings is one thing, checking your privilege is another.

If he was trying to discuss family finances and you just responded by calling him privileged, I can see why he was annoyed.

£1200 might sound a lot but that's before savings. If you saved £500 a month you're suddenly not left with an awful lot.

I always think you inherit your parents' attitude to money, even if your financial circumstances are totally different. How you feel about saving and spending isn't a logical thing.

What helped me to stop saving obsessively was setting up an account for frivolities and paying a small sum into it every month. For some reason this worked much better than mentally allocating percentages to different things. It changed my mindset from 'I'm not happy that I can't have/do X' to 'Oh look, I can afford X if I want to'. Most of the time I realised I didn't actually want X, but it felt as if it was my choice instead of something imposed by circumstances.

The choice of the word privilege is annoying, but some of the replies on this thread are bonkers. If your outgoings are high, that's presumably because you have a lifestyle that goes with it. The idea that a disposable income of £600 per person a month 'isn't much' is ludicrous.

MN is such a bubble sometimes.

You're both right.

I think what your husband is essentially saying is that he feels he should bee paid more and therefore richer.

I'm not going to argue with him on that. I think everyone across the board should be paid more so they can become richer (which is why I support the strikes). Nothing wrong with wanting more/better for yourself.

How hard you work is only loosely associated with remuneration. It’s more to do with how many other people could do your job.

Agreed

Well as we're starting to see since all the cheap labour went back to Europe after Brexit, no one wants to do a job for fuck all money. So maybe wages should increase to get the market competitive again.

You aren't privileged, you are hard working. My husband and I work incredibly hard, him 60+ hours per week, me 40+. The word privilege hasn't been used, but family have told us how very lucky we are to be financially secure. Its funny how the harder you work the luckier you get.
Privilege is what you were born with, not what you work for.
Life is expensive, so having £1200 pm savings is decent so invest it wisely. Make sure you have a pension and with mortgages going up all the time increase your monthly payment to pay off early. Everything else goes into high interest accounts for savings, holidays and rainy day funds, or as I tell my dh - running away money 😉

No disagreement here! Just making the point that people often forget about “hard work” - someone earning less than you doesn’t necessarily work less hard than you

He is allowed an opinion op. You don’t need to decide it’s invalid and force yours on him. Neither of you are wrong. Try to see it from all angles.

It's privileged in the sense that many, many others don't have anything like that (despite what some mumsnetters seem to think!). There will be many who work as hard as your DH and don't have so much disposable income. It's not the big, big bucks though so I can also see what your DH means. I think you're suggesting looking on the bright side and appreciating what you've got and he's always yearning for a more plush lifestyle. Do you have kids? They do decimate you financially!

Just agree to disagree, arguing about it isn’t going to change anything.

I kind of know what he means. I would never voice this out loud (apart from to DH) as I know we are better off than a lot of people. But we are on similar between us which puts us into the top 10%of earners in the country (or something close to that). But, I part because of extortionate nursery fees at the moment we are still having to watch the pennies, can’t save that much and certainly can’t go in multiple holidays abroad. We also have to budget for big household purchases etc and can’t afford to redecorate. I know it’s a privilege to be able to do these things, but I think, we are earning very good salaries compared to most people in the country so I feel we SHOULD be able to do more of these things and enjoy the money a bit more. And wonder how everyone earning less than us manages? I see friends who I know earn less going on multiple holidays, new cars every 3 years?! I am very risk averse when it comes to debt, don’t have any credit cards and don’t like dipping into savings so that’s probably got something to do with it!

I think he is right. Your vocabulary is wrong, that's the problem. There's a point at which every single person living in the UK is super privileged, just because they don't live in Sudan (or insert the war zone of your choice).

You are arguing for being grateful for what you have, he wants more, they are both valid points, but I don't think if you work hard it's a "privilege" to have money left over. Just because it is not fair that everybody doesn't have that, doesn't mean it is a privilege.

Spot on