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Original poster

Will I end up in a tent ?

79 replies

user1488308965 · 20/04/2023 22:11

Married 29 years . One child nearly 18 . Disabled . Going through a divorce . I am a carer. He is not far off retirement . I’m younger .
There is not a lot of money in the pot to share out .Judge said no spousal support and clean break.He keeps his pension .
I will have to claim universal credit for me alone
i wont be able to afford to live ,eat , or pay bills .I will only get universal credit (single person ) as child will be over 18
I need to know what other woman do in this position as I will lose most of my income is related around my life as a carer and a mother .ie child maintenance ( solicitor advised it will end at 19 years) child benefit will end . My child will have to make their own claims for any benefits .
I also have a terminal disease .
So all I would be left with is £73.00 a week and carers allowance ( not guaranteed )
I feel that giving up my career to look after a disabled child is seen as “a choice”by this government and the courts .when in reality if I would not off been around to care for my child , they would not survived . I feel at a loss completely , I could seriously end up sleeping in a tent , if I could afford one .

OP posts:
Babyroobs · 21/04/2023 00:21

Testina · 21/04/2023 00:17

What was the CETV for his pension?
It seems really odd that there was presumably a reasonable amount of assets to get to the point of judge being involved (not just mediation and/or solicitors) yet you say there wasn’t much in the pot.
By pot, do you mean actual cash savings separate to house and pension?
I can’t believe that after a 29 year marriage you wouldn’t have been awarded 50% of the house equity.

Exactly. And certainly if op has given up any chance of a career to care for a disabled child, she is surely going to be eligible for half the house, unless it was solely in his name before they married?

Testina · 21/04/2023 00:33

In Scotland there’s a more defined protection for assets accumulated before the marriage, not so much in England & Wales.
It just feels like we’re missing a big chunk of information that might lead to good advice for the OP.

VanGoghsDog · 21/04/2023 00:44

She said the house was privately owned, she didn't say he owned it. She said she rents, but not from the council.

I deduce that they are in a private rental with the DH name on the tenancy - thus "his house".

CallieQ · 21/04/2023 00:44

user1488308965 · 20/04/2023 22:58

Because the judge said he was near to retirement age , so he would need his pension .

I'm sure you should be entitled to a share of the pension

Testina · 21/04/2023 00:57

VanGoghsDog · 21/04/2023 00:44

She said the house was privately owned, she didn't say he owned it. She said she rents, but not from the council.

I deduce that they are in a private rental with the DH name on the tenancy - thus "his house".

The language is confusing (privately owned, not council) but I can’t see anywhere that OP actually says she rent? Only bit I can see about rent refers to not affording £1000 rent when she moves out. The “his house” sounds like he owns it - most people wouldn’t say “his” about a rented place.

elodiesmith · 21/04/2023 00:57

OP sorry but that's the honest way to look at it: you are fit to work if you have longer than 6 months to live with your terminal illness.

Yes you have a terminal illness but what if you live for another 20 years? The country cannot afford to support every terminally ill person indefinitely.

Your son could have been with a carer whist you built your career (working PT at least) and pension.

You won't live in a tent, it will be tough with little money but a lot of people live like this.

Unfortunately in life we all must have a plan in case things turn to sh**. We can't just expect that we all will live happily ever after with our spouses. Did it occur to you at times that your relationship might not work out? Just asking in case you've already brainstormed and had some ideas?

Testina · 21/04/2023 01:00

CallieQ · 21/04/2023 00:44

I'm sure you should be entitled to a share of the pension

Show quote history

@CallieQ more sure than a judge with full access to their assets and circumstances?

We don’t know what the settlement was and the OP’s posts aren’t very clear. She may have had a great Final Salary pension for 10 years of the marriage and him only got one when legislation changed to force his employer to make minimum contributions. So they have have equivalent pensions, for all we know.

justlurkinghere · 21/04/2023 01:12

I suggest sitting down with a social worker to find out what help you can get, and get support getting it.

I'm in a similar position with a disabled child (minus the divorce). I have her claim her entitlements and they pay a sensible amount of it towards the cost of running the household. It really helps offset some expenses.

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 01:15

user1488308965 · 20/04/2023 22:51

My Universal credit will go down , because my son has to claim in his own right at 18 . Universal credit is £73.00 a week single

It's actually around £85/week now then you'll have your £100 PIP on top of that, more if you get top rate. If you're too sick/disabled to work another £90...so nearer £275 a week. On top of that you'll get an element to help with your rent. The amounts aren't generous but provided you only rent a 2 bed property it should cover a big proportion of it.
You don't really go into details about your sons disability but I'll assume you will be in charge of his benefits. He will be expected to pay towards his keep with that.
Slight aside, but as you say your illness is terminal might it be an idea to consider getting him settled into some sort of sheltered accomodation. I'm pretty sure social services could help with this but it's not a 5 minute process. I'd guess you'd be entitled to be considered for social housing too though you will need to take what you're offered.
Depending on your life expectancy I'd be considering doing something that makes you happy eg do you want to return to education, learn a musical instrument, climb Snowden etc. Instead of looking at this as a fearful time look forward to your freedom.
Best of luck

Original poster
user1488308965 · 21/04/2023 06:46

I have 2 disabled children , one has left home. I am a carer . Not a paid carer . I have been a carer for over 30 years .

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488308965 · 21/04/2023 06:58

I do not have a salary or a pension .
my children were born disabled and they have to have someone to care for them .
He own the house .because I was a homemaker and a carer for the children .
Im not “ fit for work “
“ Your son could have been with a carer whist you built your career (working PT at least) and pension. “ ……. Who would pay for that ? You clearly do not understand professional carer are on more than I can earn part time …..the costs of childcare are sky high

OP posts:
Original poster
user1488308965 · 21/04/2023 07:10

“Unfortunately in life we all must have a plan in case things turn to sh**. We can't just expect that we all will live happily ever after with our spouses. Did it occur to you at times that your relationship might not work out? Just asking in case you've already brainstormed and had some ideas”

well when you have terminal cancer you don’t expect your husband to cheat !
your lack of empathy shows exactly your personality .
tell me what’s your plan when you get old and are diagnosed with a terminal disease ?
You cannot plan for a terminal disease !

“might it be an idea to consider getting him settled into some sort of sheltered accomodation” …… My child has it too and he needs his family around him not just shoved into “ sheltered accommodation” ………

OP posts:
FatAgainItsLettuceTime · 21/04/2023 07:29

@user1488308965

Looking back to your OP and responses I think we've misunderstood the purpose of your thread.

Everyone has come in trying to offer advise and suggestions for ways to increase your income but I think what you were looking for was an opportunity to vent and have people agree that it's shit.

It is shit, it all sounds really hard, divorce is hard enough but add in your medical conditions and your child's disabilities and it does sound very difficult.

If you decide that you do want suggestions about finances then I'm sure people will be happy to try to help, as they have been so far on the thread. In order to do that they will need to know basic details like whether you've already had a benefits assessment, whether you are on the council housing list or if there are any plans to sell your home and physically separate from your DH, whether your DS has been formally assessed for DLA, whether you would qualify for carers allowance.......

wormshuffled · 21/04/2023 07:36

user1488308965 · 21/04/2023 06:58

I do not have a salary or a pension .
my children were born disabled and they have to have someone to care for them .
He own the house .because I was a homemaker and a carer for the children .
Im not “ fit for work “
“ Your son could have been with a carer whist you built your career (working PT at least) and pension. “ ……. Who would pay for that ? You clearly do not understand professional carer are on more than I can earn part time …..the costs of childcare are sky high

If he owns the house and you are married, surely you would be entitled to at least 50% of the equity?
Sorry for your shitty situation. Flowers

Lougle · 21/04/2023 07:38

Universal credit will deduct your carers allowance in full. But they will give you a carer's element. You would get a contribution to your rent. Your DS would be expected to contribute to the household running from his benefits too, and presumably also gets PIP.

Unfortunately terminal cancer can range from 'Will die eventually' to 'will die very soon' so it isn't a very useful marker for ability to work.

Daisiesandprimroses · 21/04/2023 07:41

Op if you’re renting you would get housing benefit. You don’t now as you aren’t.

and the council will house you even if immediately temporary before finding you some where permanent.

Choconut · 21/04/2023 08:07

He doesn't own the house if you've been married 29 years - even if he paid for it because you were at home being a carer for the children. I'm very confused, are you saying that the judge said he gets the house and his pension and you get nothing? After 29 years and being a carer for his children? Because that's not right. Your solicitor would never agree to that. If that is somehow the case then you need to get a different solicitor and appeal the case.

It all sounds very strange and wrong but the only think I know for sure is that you desperately need proper legal advice.

LeavesOnTrees · 21/04/2023 08:30

You should get part of the house with the divorce settlement.

It's not his house it's the family home. His contribution was financial, your contribution was domestic. They are both equally valuable.

Yes your situation is shit.

justlurkinghere · 21/04/2023 08:32

OP, it sounds like you feel stuck and hopeless as far as your options. I have also been an unpaid carer for 30 years. I've done little bits of paid work in between on and off, but I've given up the career I could have had. I didn't want to stick my child with a paid carer when I could do it myself. I know some people don't have the choice but we did, and that's the choice we made.

What have you done while you've been home caring? Have you been involved in any community groups or organisations? You might be surprised how you can leverage this experience to get a paid job. Maybe sit down with an employment advisor and they can help you identify all these skills and experiences. Jobs with a carers' service will look on your lived experience very positively.

I know there is still the issue of care for your 18 year old. Your ex-husband should be responsible for 50% of this. If he won't, maybe look into part-time day programs. It might be good for your son and he can make some friends there, if that's in his capacity. Now that your circumstances have changed, you may have to look into having someone else support you to care. Paid carer? Family member? I know it's probably not what you want to do but sometimes, you just have to to make ends meet.

You have so much valuable experience. Could you do a short course? Where I am, there's always work to be had in aged or disabled care fields. I've got degrees while at home while full time caring. There are a lot of distance supported options these days.

Just some thoughts OP. As I posted before, social services and employment agencies will be able to help you find your options and how you can make them work. I know it can seem overwhelming and daunting, so having someone to hold your hand during this process is so helpful.

I also agree with other posters about getting legal advice on fighting for half the house.

shintyminty · 21/04/2023 08:35

ineedafairygodmother · 20/04/2023 22:53

You will be entitled to the housing element of universal credit if you go into rented accommodation whether that labour council or private rented. Go into entitled.com and that will give you a near enough calculation of what you will be entitled to

What has a Labour council got to do with anything?

LizzieSiddal · 21/04/2023 08:40

You are entitled to half of the money in the house. The house belongs to both of you not just your exH.

You should go to Citizens Advice, they will help you. Flowers

k1233 · 21/04/2023 08:43

In this situation it would make sense for your son to remain living with his father if you are unable to afford for him to live with you.

How is the value of the house being split? If your husband is keeping his pension I would have expected you to receive a larger portion of the remaining assets.

AgeofCreation528 · 21/04/2023 08:58

If you are going through a divorce, the starting point for all assets is a split of 50/50

This includes
Property
Savings
Pensions
Things like cars, furniture etc

If he keeps his pension, you may receive more of the split of the property perhaps ?

Do you have your own solicitor ?

If you are not able to work, you will be in receipt of benefits

Greenfairydust · 21/04/2023 09:06

I don't understand this.

You have a house I assume is owned jointly so you sell it and use the proceeds to downsize to a flat/cheaper area.

You live in the house with your disabled child until the sale is done and you have bought something to go to

if you can't work you will receive UC on top of your PIP and you can claim reduced council tax when you are in your new home.

I think you really proper legal advice though because you need a fair divorce settlement that reflects the contributions you have made and that does not sound like one.

Babyroobs · 21/04/2023 09:13

Greenfairydust · 21/04/2023 09:06

I don't understand this.

You have a house I assume is owned jointly so you sell it and use the proceeds to downsize to a flat/cheaper area.

You live in the house with your disabled child until the sale is done and you have bought something to go to

if you can't work you will receive UC on top of your PIP and you can claim reduced council tax when you are in your new home.

I think you really proper legal advice though because you need a fair divorce settlement that reflects the contributions you have made and that does not sound like one.

It's not always that straightforward. What if there is not enough equity from the house to buy another outright ? Op is unlikely to get a mortgage. She would then likely end up with over 16k in equity so making her ineligible for any kinds of means tested benefits. She could possible look at things like shared ownership but there's not always an abundance of those properties around.