Brother living in inherited house, banning siblings from visiting, probate

[GudrunM]

Hi...

My father died last year, left his house (no mortgage) equally between his 3 offspring , with my sister 53 and brother 42 as executors. My brother has never left the family home, and has I think only worked maybe 3 years in his life, when he was around 20...has never studied, volunteered or travelled. Not sure what he does with his life actually... nothing criminal, not an alcoholic, etc....just a bit of a loner. He also was not my Dad´s carer as my Dad was very healthy and able up until his death.

Thing is, my Dad left a little note, signed by himself ( not as part of his will) stating that my brother can ´stay in the house, rent free, only paying household bills, for as long as he wants´!!

My sister & I are pretty sure throughout his life, he barely contributed anything for rent to my Dad, or to cover bills...so of course he is taking full advantage of this continued rent free situation ( lovely, 3 bed semi, with a garage and garden) , and banned us from the home since 3 weeks after the funeral. He calls it ´his home!´

A solicitor has already said the note is not legally valid, but my sister and I decided to honour Dad´s wishes for a ´while´, ideally 1 year, to give our brother time to find his direction & find his own , 1st home, something not so difficult, as we are set to inherit around 100 thousand each from Dad´s house.

He also started a legal case against my sister, stating he cannot complete probate, as she lied about not owing Dad any money. (not true) The brother has spent almost 1 year now, searching around Dad´s rather muddled financial receipts, looking for any scrap of paper that may suggest any loans took place, even going back to 2004!.... He seems to hold some kind of vendetta against my sister, as she often tried to gently bring up when visiting, his lack of ambition, travel, work, even volunteering....and also not paying rent.

The younger brother states that attempting to visit him , in his home would be seen as ´harrassment & intimidation`!!

I can honestly say that Dad would be weeping, to see how things are, not even 1 year after his passing!

My sister has a husband , both working full time, and 2 children, just starting Uni.

I live in a small, rented place, have always worked too, often 2 jobs, and travel a lot.

For us both, this amount of money could make a massive difference in our lives, but we are equally frustrated and at a loss of what to do, without destroying what relationship we may have still, or being seen as vultures.

Plus, I don´t know how he handles real life, and stress, etc...but he seems to be happily prolonging everything for the sake of it, with the solicitor case against my sister, etc.

The main and deeply upsetting thing is what my brother has become....and that we can´t visit my late Dad´s home, for memories and to handle our grieving processes...
When I write sweetly to him, or send gifts, he mainly just ignores me.
Does anyone have any ideas how to progress? Thanks!!!!

It's a difficult situation but I'd do what my father asked. The only way I would step in is if the bills weren't being paid or the house was falling into disrepair. I'd set up a legal agreement so I had the right to inspect the property and access to be informed if judgements were being placed against the house. If he refused to make such an agreement or failed to live up to those agreements, I'd have him out of the house.

I have a letter of wishes with my will. I hope they're honoured. I've also been left an estate with certain instructions which means I might never actually get the property but it's my relatives property and it's what she wanted doing with it so I have complied with that.

He has probably already changed the locks to circumvent this kind of thing.

My brother did this (he'd been removed from my mothers will, along with the rest of us who didn't have anything to do with her). He left it on for 6 months and didn't renew it. Here's a link with more info about caveats.

https://www.wilsonbrowne.co.uk/news/personal/a-caveat-in-time/

Are you sure it hasn't expired? You might need to look at removing him as an Executor if he's being deliberately obstructive, although it's not a straightforward option.

https://www.thegazette.co.uk/all-notices/content/103565

OP, shouldn’t a key consideration be the ability of your brother to actually look after himself and live elsewhere?

TBH, your description of him sounds like a case study of a vulnerable adult.

43 year old man
next to no work experience
no qualifications or training
has never moved from home
no apparent hobbies or interests outside the home
socially isolated- described by sister as a loner
no apparent relationship history
recently bereaved

Is it possible he had mental health difficulties or undiagnosed additional support needs?

Maybe that’s what needs to be addressed first, before setting deadlines for him to move from the family home.

Could a compromise be reached, such as him paying rent?

Remember, posters on mumsnet can be quite quick to call out CFs, but this is without knowing all the info or considering the bigger picture.

Do not listen to this advice OP. Certainly don't allow him to pay you rent as you risk never being able to get him out of the house.

He doesn't sound vulnerable to me, he sounds selfish and difficult. A vulnerable person wouldn't have the wherewithal to be hiring solicitors and changing locks. Even a vulnerable person does not need a three bedroom house with a garage. He could use his share of the house to buy a small property.

I wouldn't trust the note either, he could have made your father sign it under duress or even have forged it, which is why legal documents need to be witnessed by independent people.

I agree with the PP that I would risk losing the money to take legal action on principle.

Your father has sadly enabled this situation by enabling your brother. I wonder if he was bullied by your brother and he is attempting to continue to bully you and your sister now. Resist this at all costs.

This is what I was thinking. ⬆️
I know a family where there was a similar situation (although the bachelor stay-at-home son in his 40s wasn’t a vulnerable adult but he had cared for his mum and dad for many years through terminal illnesses) and the relationship between the three siblings broke down irretrievably. He was ousted from the house when the last surviving parent went to a care home (and died not long afterwards) but I just think how sad their lovely mum and dad would have been to know the house/inheritance issue had split their family apart. It’s a very tough call OP.

A letter of intent is not legally enforceable like a will. It is also highly probable that your brother “influenced” your Dad to write this. Your sis is the executor. She should sell it.

You need to seek legal advice, apply to court and have your brother removed as executor.

you’re kidding yourself that you have a relationship with him. You don’t. He doesn’t give a shit about you, only about keeping his own life comfortable.

as hard as it is you and your sister need to accept that he’s selfish and unreasonable and work together to fulfil the legal wishes of your father and protect your inheritance.

You need to get proper legal advice. Morally I'd get it sold, there's no way your dad's intention was to deny you and your sister your inheritance for the rest of your brothers life. But selling a house with a hostile part owner in situ, refusing viewings and thwarting every attempt to do anything, I've no idea how you'd go about that.

I've recently lost my own Dad, my sister has been incredibly difficult to deal with but thankfully Dad had no estate. Clearing his rented flat and arranging his funeral has pushed my absolute limits. I'm really sorry that you and your sister are having to deal with this on top of such a loss.

You both need to find a solicitor that specialises in will disputes like this, and start the process of moving on. If he has blocked probate with a caveat, he will need to keep applying for this every 6 months.

Is there a time limit on his probate block
I doubt he will properly maintain the house - he has benefits only I expect which over time probably won't be enough.
Tell him that legal fees will probably use most of the value of the house so he risks being left with very little if he refuses to cooperate and sell the house now.

I've done a bit of googling and it is very clear you need a solicitor soonest.

Tbh even if he were a vulnerable adult, which I am not convinced about, he would still do better in a different situation than this.

If any of this were true then there's even less reason for him to stay in a large family home requiring a lot of maintenance and every reason for him to buy a smaller property in a maintained block.

Even if he is vulnerable rather than lazy it doesn’t entitle him to displace the other siblings from their inheritance. He can use whatever money he inherits to find a place to live and if he really can’t work due to some undiagnosed disability he can claim benefits.

He's 100% going to make it difficult for viewings if you do put it on the market whilst he's still living there. I really don't know how to get around that problem.

You need to speak to a solicitor ASAP about getting things started again. It's that or you and your sister give him a property share worth £100k each. Even if your dad wrote the note and in sound mind, I am sure he didn't mean he wanted to cut you out. He certainly didn't put it in any legal document. When you are at sale stage, you might want to consider selling at auction, or to a company to stop him putting off buyers. Hopefully it will be sorted by then though.

Ive been an executor.
I understood you can get an executor removed if they are not acting in the interests of the beneficiaries, not following the will and are trying to solely benefit which your db is doing.
You need to see a solicitor.
Put aside his needs and your family connection and get a solicitor onto it.

How do you know your dad even wrote the letter unless you’re a handwriting expert? I could fake handwriting for a parent with some effort and given the lengths he’s going to, so could your brother.
He’s doing this in the hope you go away.Don’t do it!

You need to stop pandering and sort this. If your dad's wish was for your DB to live in the house rent free he'd have included tgat in tge will. He didn't so your brother needs to grow up. I hope you've now completed probate. If not your sister needs to do that asap and enclose the will.

You can then proceed legitimately with listing and selling the house. As a jointnowner, your brother would need to sign the Sales docs which may mean you need to get a court order forcing him to do this. Talk to citizens advice first, if you can do it yourselves great, if not speak to and instruct a solicitor. The cost of this could cone from the estate as you are actioning the will. Tell your brother, in a formal letter what you are doing once you have in place what is needed. Tell him how much it will cost from the estate or if a solicitor confirms this, from his portion of the estate.

Good luck, stop pander him. He's an adult.

Thank you for the message....oh yes, we have thought about this for years, even discussed it with Dad but he always swiftly dismissed our concerns.
My best friend suggested he has Aspergers or something similar....i have gently suggested therapy, counselling, and whether I can help him find help into a part time job, maybe an assissted living association, a kind of study -on-the-job scheme....

I had a good talk with him actually after Dad passes, before all the conflict started ( between only my sister & him, I might add, I was the black sheep, almost, the failure....but the one sibling that they both get on with. The worst I get from his is my messages , phone calls, gifts completely ignored, and denied access to Dad´s house)
Anyway, I brought up the need to work, just us talking, and he was receptive....not in a big sister way, you must earn money!!! but as in you should contribute, for your own good, your own health, to society....for a social aspect more than anything.

My sister secretly phoned his doctor to ask if she could check up on him, but it was just a kind of bereavement check up phone call.
I also , even throughout the last decades encouraged him to learn crafts/ skills, also a way to meet people...even holidays for solo travellers.
Believe me, we´re more worried for him, his physical and mental health than any kind of inheritance.
That´s why it´s so frustrating....after the funeral, I dreamily thought it somehow might be the fresh start he needed, with all respect to Dad.
Obviously still enough saved from other deceased family, a chance to travel, find his direction, study or learn skills or just interests, then he would for sure have enough to find a flat or whatever to rent or buy ( it´s a reasonably easy and cheap area to buy)...or simply buy a camper van and head off travelling. I just desperately want him to find his feet and be happy!
I do blame Dad for enabling him, to be honest.... I always saw it as so restricting , that he allowed my brother to live at home. Isn´t it the parent´s job to prepare your son or daughter for life....? to be independent, make their own mistakes, to learn, to have a sense of responsibility, a thirst for adventure, to be creative, to serve...?
I can totally see how my brother slipped into the life at home, of course...Dad was great to be around, and maybe there was a slight guilt trip about him living alone, if my brother left home...

sorry for the rambling thoughts. I hope it´s clear that it´s really not about greed....but doesn´t he see, it could all be played out so different? It could all be pleasant, we could just come together to honour Dad on his birthdays, etc....I´m not he could suffer much more, but as it stands, we all go to the cemetary seperately, which is not how a family should be after a parent´s death! I don´t want to meet up with my sister to celebrate my Dad´s life for fear of siding with one sibling....I´m stuck in the middle!!

Sorry for your loss.
It must be really difficult all this.
It sad when the last link that ties the family together dies and everyone drifts away.
(Happened to me a few years after dad died)
But in a more practical note didn't even know you could block probate
Took us 90 days
Good luck

exactly!!!! if he has any of these behaviours or hurdles in his life, then yes, I would personally place him in a shared house or assisted housing kind of thing. It cannot be healthy to live in a shrine. He will never move on emotionally

Asperger's sounds plausible from some of the things you have described.

I am 80% my OH has it. He definitely has ADHD and I also think probably some sort of avoidant personality disorder. However, there was never any question of parents enabling him. He went to uni. He went from living local to London. He went from shitty little jobs where he was demeaned, patronised and made to feel useless ten years ago to working in IT towards a senior management role. Right now, he is on the promotion path which will give him a 15k pay rise and he already earns 108k! He has lived abroad for 18 months without knowing a single person, he has held down a relationship with me for five years (which has been TOUGH, he is really not like other people).

So, you see, it is still possible to have that personality and be successful. He is incredibly socially awkward and doesn't make friends easily and says the wrong things at the wrong time and doesn't ever seem to remember social etiquette, but despite all those challenges, he is earning 108k at age 41.

I don't think your brother is ever going to leave his safety net and do things with his life until he is forced to. It will be incredibly scary doing that at 43, but I really don't see him making himself do it until his hand is forced.

How is your brother paying the bills if he doesn’t work. If Probate hasn’t been sorted out, has all other things like your late father’s pension, bank account, utility bills etc been sorted and hopefully there’s house insurance in place.

Thanks for writing....I don´t think he claims benefits, he doesn´t have to. His outgoings have been, for the last 25 years minimal.....he doesn´t travel, pay rent, or until Dad died, bills. We were all left bits and pieces when relatives died in the last couple of decades. My sister and I obviously spent our shares on our family, family car, mortgage, rent, holidays, nothing extravagant, but also daily living, bills.....
I guess he didn´t give much out, and if he put it in a savings account, well of course he still has a sizeable amount left. This was his income, so to say!

Dad was the last of the family to die, except me and my sister....poor guy, how will he make any money now? He sure as hell isn´t receiving much in my will!!! Half of what I´m leaving to Animal Rescue and homeless charities, to be honest....and it´s only something because I read if I exclude him, it´s easier for him to contest the will.
Spoilt kid has had enough cash for doing nothing!....special needs or not!