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Original poster

Anyone had the inheritance tax talk with a parent?

175 replies

TimeFlying · 03/04/2023 22:48

Who although understands about the tax the gov will collect, equally seems reluctant to deal with it?

My DF has been ‘careful’ with his money all his life. He’s isn’t naturally generous
Now he’s in his 90’s and is going to be over the IHT threshold. So he’s worrying about money but doing nowt about it.
I’ve listened to him and outlined his options including giving it to a charity. I’m the only person left in his immediate family.
he just doesn’t react or engage even tho he’s worried. I’m being as a patient as I can muster but I fear the gov is going to get a chunk of money which I and my family could really use right now.

i just needed to offload. I know I can’t change the person; I realise it’s his money. It’s frustrating that he just wont give anything away and never has.

OP posts:
Delectable · 04/04/2023 14:26

Twiglets1 · 04/04/2023 11:38

You're correct that what I mean is that IHT planning is designed to help the next generation of your own family, yes that is obvious.

As you say, it's perfectly legal and it's even legal to be a Tory. You don't get to decide how people choose to organise their own financial affairs and whether they would rather give more to the State or their children. It's up to them.

I'm a floating voter actually and planning to vote Labour at the next election. They might make IHT planning illegal in which case I won't do it for my children (but then again, they never have).

Show quote history

I'm sorry but even if all of us on this thread left all our possessions to the govt on our demise it will make no difference in the life of the average Brit.

The person who's possessions can make a difference is The Crown.
It doesn't even have to give it up. It just needs to use it in a certain way. Eg build property for affordable rent on an insignificant amount of the land it owns and it will recoup the investment in a decade. Even it's citizens will be happier and wealthier.

So please don't put that responsibility on the lowly subject.

The major of London is calling for a rent cap when he has powers to build and encourage more building yet he doesn't use them as he should. The average tall building City Hall and other London councils give P permission to have to contribute millions of £ in S.106 contributions and CIL so of course the price of the property ends up being high but noone is encouraged to think analytically but instead they come up with populist policies that don't solve the problem.

Sceptic1234 · 04/04/2023 14:28

RestingRulers · 04/04/2023 13:53

@Sceptic1234

Our kids are all adults and all work hard in good jobs. Doctor, Uni lecturer, Accountant, and the lady one is in Finance too. They are great kids and nice, responsible members of society. I'm not worried about them. They went to the local comprehensive and sixth form. You would have no idea if they had family money if you met them but I know having financial stability when they are young is a massive thing to them. They know they are very, very lucky.

They've also been lucky in that they are all academic and healthy. 💁🏻‍♀️

It gives me and my husband a lot of pleasure to give them money. Its fun. We get to see them enjoy themselves and we get to do fun things with them. We've always been careful to let our kids be responsible for their own choices in their lives and we have been careful to make sure that any money we have given them is done with no conditions whatsoever. I've read enough Mumsnet to know that money can cause problems.

We did wonder what would happen if one or more of our kids turned out to be entitled or spoilt but they haven't so we didn't need to worry.

I bet they keep the fact that they get an allowance quite at work! Imagine the embarrassment if your colleagues found out that you got a regular sub from the bank of Mum and Dad!!

Its ow the other 0.1% live I suppose!

Zipps · 04/04/2023 14:40

Quite a few old people don't realise the importance of reducing IHT until it is much too late. A lot are completely oblivious as to how much their house as risen in value for a start. They may have bought it for a few grand in the 60's and haven't a clue that it could be worth half a million and the rest.
Added to this an ingrained mindset of saving every penny and they can't get their heads around giving it away to young people (ie their dc who are probably in their 50's/60's by now) because they might waste it. Then they have a lightbulb moment and realise that even worse the government is going to get the money and you have rich old people who suddenly want to start giving a bit away, sadly it's often too late.
We've already started planning on reducing IHT and we're in our mid 50's. Mainly a spending plan for the next 15/20+ years and treating/helping if necessary the adult dc and gc.
It is strange after all these years of accumulating to switch to spending (though we were never frugal and never missed out on holidays/ experiences etc) but it's the sensible way. I'd rather die penniless than give the government anything else.

pickledandpuzzled · 04/04/2023 14:44

WeWereInParis · 04/04/2023 14:18

My frustration isn't that she's going to be paying tax, but that she's so tight she squeaks. We spend a significant amount of time and money keeping her afloat, while she saves every penny possible.

Why would you spend money keeping her afloat if she has money herself?

It's things like petrol to visit her (3 hours away), paying for her when we go out, giving her generous presents at Christmas, all her low energy lightbulbs as she was on the old kind...

Just things we end up doing for her which we don't begrudge much but which and up costing money and even more so time.

Life is more expensive with her around than not.

She's very dependent and averse to paying her way in an old fashioned way. She never took her purse out when DF was alive. She just expects someone else to cover it.

We've tried nudging her, but she's just a difficult woman!

AlltheFs · 04/04/2023 14:46

Sceptic1234 · 04/04/2023 14:28

I bet they keep the fact that they get an allowance quite at work! Imagine the embarrassment if your colleagues found out that you got a regular sub from the bank of Mum and Dad!!

Its ow the other 0.1% live I suppose!

Show quote history

I get vey generous handouts from my parents. I wouldn’t specifically tell colleagues about it but I don’t hide it either. I’m not embarrassed!

When I was on mat leave my dad would periodically add a few thousand in to my bank account. Made an enormous difference to us then. Same each time we moved house.

His parents did it for him, he can afford it so he does it now. I hope to do the same for DD.

My family came from very humble roots and have just made good decisions (and benefited from property etc). It’s nice to share if you can.

Zipps · 04/04/2023 14:49

AlltheFs · 04/04/2023 14:46

I get vey generous handouts from my parents. I wouldn’t specifically tell colleagues about it but I don’t hide it either. I’m not embarrassed!

When I was on mat leave my dad would periodically add a few thousand in to my bank account. Made an enormous difference to us then. Same each time we moved house.

His parents did it for him, he can afford it so he does it now. I hope to do the same for DD.

My family came from very humble roots and have just made good decisions (and benefited from property etc). It’s nice to share if you can.

Show quote history

I totally understand why. They are getting satisfaction from giving it to you when you need it the most. Instead of when you are 60 (average age to receive an inheritance) and it's too late to help. They sound lovely and generous.

ArcticSkewer · 04/04/2023 14:51

I don't think there is much you can do, op. It's frustrating when they are penny pinching over the heating, for example, because they hate spending money but it's going to go back as tax anyway.
You can, I think, do a variation on the will after your father has passed away - to donate more to charity, which brings tax benefits as well

WeWereInParis · 04/04/2023 15:10

ArcticSkewer · 04/04/2023 14:51

I don't think there is much you can do, op. It's frustrating when they are penny pinching over the heating, for example, because they hate spending money but it's going to go back as tax anyway.
You can, I think, do a variation on the will after your father has passed away - to donate more to charity, which brings tax benefits as well

But it might not go on tax. It very well may go on care, and I'd rather my parents spend their money on care (if they need to, and while it lasts) than give it to me. Maybe all these parents being talked about on this thread are holding onto their money in case they actually need it, not just to be difficult around IHT.
I agree it would be frustrating to see penny pinching on heating, but more because of their comfort, than because it may end up going on tax.

RhymingGuitars · 04/04/2023 15:16

LeavesOnTrees · 03/04/2023 22:59

He needs to donate or give money 7 years before he dies or else it's still taxed

I'd say it's too late to do any iht avoidance.

It's a bit much to be eyeing up his money whilst he's still alive.

There is still plenty that can be done to reduce the tax burden including taking out a life assurance to cover the tax bill (this needs a solicitor and/or wealth advisor to set up as it involves a trust).

@LeavesOnTrees - try and persuade him to talk to a wealth manager or IFA about inheritance planning. He may take their advice more seriously. But ultimately, it is his money and his decision and his wishes have to be respected.

BasiliskStare · 04/04/2023 15:22

My parents do not have a 7 figure sum , much less. They have given my DB £50k because it was the difference between he and his wife , them buying a house or not. DF has said - if anything is left out of our will - you get the first £50k ( this was nearly 7 years ago.

But I do know that of what they have DM & DF are worried about care - ( they are mid late 80s ) and so they want to keep enough aside to pay for this and so not worry me or my brother. ( I have a LPOA for them )

Horses for courses - but I think an inheritance is to give not to expect . This is not to say parents and children should not speak about this - so everyone knows what to expect. DF did with me & now I know his intentions. I don't expect a penny but having had the conversation it is so much better that I know what his thoughts are .

JaninaDuszejko · 04/04/2023 15:29

The issue we have at the moment is that MIL won't spend money to make herself more comfortable in her final years because she wants to 'leave everything for her children'. DH and his siblings have all told her it's her money and she should spend it on herself but she's getting to that stage of life where she's worrying about money despite having plenty of it. To try and get her to spend it we have pointed out if she doesn't spend it on herself the taxman will. Hasn't made a difference yet.

Some families inheritance plan, some don't. It's a bit of an unfair tax because it's easy to avoid if you want to by planning ahead. It needs reforming.

Changeau · 04/04/2023 15:30

Twiglets1 · 04/04/2023 10:43

The inheritance tax conversation doesn't always go like this.

Sometimes it is the parent who initiates the conversation because they are intelligent enough to understand that they will die one day in the not too distant future and they want to manage their affairs efficiently so as to help the next generation. This could be financial planning or it could be planning in other ways. I intend to do it for my children when I am post retirement as I see it as a loving act by the parent, though I understand that not every elderly person wants to show their affection in this particular way and that's up to them.

Show quote history

My FIL was very clued up about IHT and took a lot of advice and was very open about it. He did nothing illegal but made sure when he died his estate paid the minimum IHT (still quite a lot as he was fairly wealthy). Why on earth would you pay more than you had to just because you couldn't face having some conversations about money?

Changeau · 04/04/2023 15:31

JaninaDuszejko · 04/04/2023 15:29

The issue we have at the moment is that MIL won't spend money to make herself more comfortable in her final years because she wants to 'leave everything for her children'. DH and his siblings have all told her it's her money and she should spend it on herself but she's getting to that stage of life where she's worrying about money despite having plenty of it. To try and get her to spend it we have pointed out if she doesn't spend it on herself the taxman will. Hasn't made a difference yet.

Some families inheritance plan, some don't. It's a bit of an unfair tax because it's easy to avoid if you want to by planning ahead. It needs reforming.

It certainly isn't easy to avoid altogether if you are wealthy although you can kick it down the road a bit.

Changeau · 04/04/2023 15:35

TimeFlying · 03/04/2023 22:48

Who although understands about the tax the gov will collect, equally seems reluctant to deal with it?

My DF has been ‘careful’ with his money all his life. He’s isn’t naturally generous
Now he’s in his 90’s and is going to be over the IHT threshold. So he’s worrying about money but doing nowt about it.
I’ve listened to him and outlined his options including giving it to a charity. I’m the only person left in his immediate family.
he just doesn’t react or engage even tho he’s worried. I’m being as a patient as I can muster but I fear the gov is going to get a chunk of money which I and my family could really use right now.

i just needed to offload. I know I can’t change the person; I realise it’s his money. It’s frustrating that he just wont give anything away and never has.

Oh come on OP - you'll get at least 325k when he passes. Won't that be enough?

SheilaFentiman · 04/04/2023 15:38

“I bet they keep the fact that they get an allowance quite at work! Imagine the embarrassment if your colleagues found out that you got a regular sub from the bank of Mum and Dad!!”

It’s not an allowance in the sense you mean. A regular gift from income can be IHT exempt. If it wasn’t paid in this way, the recipient (if a beneficiary) would still get the money following death, but it would be IHT liable, if the estate was over the threshold.

boboshmobo · 04/04/2023 15:39

@massivenamechnage what do you mean ?
My dad died 10 years ago

I just see as it will probably all go on care and if there is any left then so be it ..

SusiePevensie · 04/04/2023 15:48

Taxes are the price we pay for civilisation.

NeedToKnow101 · 04/04/2023 15:50

RestingRulers · 04/04/2023 13:56

That should say "last one" not lady one 😂

🤣🤣I liked the 'lady one.' Made me chuckle.

HydrangeaHo · 04/04/2023 16:00

We are the parents and have talked to DC about it.
There is a way round the 7 year rule and that is money given out of regular income on a regular basis.
Actually we're borderline on IHT anyway as we live in an area of cheap housing.

The fact is though the OP's father has always been tight with money he's unlikely to throw it at her now. The time to do that is when your DC need it, when they are young, not when they are retiring themselves.

HydrangeaHo · 04/04/2023 16:05

It gives me and my husband a lot of pleasure to give them money. Its fun. We get to see them enjoy themselves and we get to do fun things with them. We've always been careful to let our kids be responsible for their own choices in their lives and we have been careful to make sure that any money we have given them is done with no conditions whatsoever.

Same here. We've given them lump sums as well as regular monthly payments. They are incredibly appreciative of it. I feel that in their 20s it's far more use to them than when we die. We have enough to cover care if required but live fairly modestly.

Twiglets1 · 04/04/2023 16:11

SusiePevensie · 04/04/2023 15:48

Taxes are the price we pay for civilisation.

True but it’s not very civilised in the U.K. so why should we pay extremely high percentages of IHT?? (tongue in cheek 😜)

RestingRulers · 04/04/2023 16:18

@Sceptic1234

I bet they keep the fact that they get an allowance quite at work! Imagine the embarrassment if your colleagues found out that you got a regular sub from the bank of Mum and Dad!!

My son works in tax actually so I'm sure he wouldn't! 😅Why would they be embarrassed? They all work hard. A quick google suggests 64% of first time home buyers have financial help from parents. I bet most people are just pleased about it.

@SheilaFentiman Sorry I didn't explain it properly. We understand the implications. There are a lot of people who work in finance in our family. Hence the prudent IHT planning.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 04/04/2023 16:25

I can muster but I fear the gov is going to get a chunk of money which I and my family could really use right now.

Fucking hell - grabby. If he needs to go into a home, then your inheritance pot will dwindle anyway and IHT may not be an issue.

SirTarquin · 04/04/2023 17:04

@pickledandpuzzled

It's things like petrol to visit her (3 hours away), paying for her when we go out, giving her generous presents at Christmas, all her low energy lightbulbs as she was on the old kind...

Just things we end up doing for her which we don't begrudge much but which and up costing money and even more so time.

Life is more expensive with her around than not.

I found this very upsetting to read. What a nasty attitude to your mother.

You were answering @WeWereInParis who asked about your statement about "Why would you spend money keeping her afloat if she has money herself?"

Nothing you describe is keeping her afloat at all. I mean seriously - paying for petrol to visit your own mother? Would you expect her to pay?

Buying her presents or paying for her when you go out is just normal loving behaviour for adult children. Helping out with some light bulbs?

I'm amazed and really saddened that you think of acts of kindness and generosity as something you obviously do begrudge and "keeping her afloat".

Keeping someone afloat is paying their bills for them, buying their groceries- helping them survive financially.

I hope when I am older I am never thought of like this.

Lovetotravel123 · 04/04/2023 17:08

Maybe set up a meeting with a financial adviser to help him get the most out of what he has now and then as part of that I would expect them to bring up tax too.