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Original poster

Maternity outings - who pays?

74 replies

a2205 · 24/03/2023 14:03

My partner and I are expecting our first child later this year. We earn similarly, but I edge him with a company bonus. We have our own individual accounts, but we also transfer into a joint account to cover bills, savings etc. We are currently debating what happens while on maternity. We agreed that baby costs come from the joint account, but we are debating what should happen if, for example, I am out with our baby (mat leave) and want to get out of the house and go for coffee or lunch. Should that come from a joint account or my personal one? His argument is that our joint account won't cover his lunch from Pret or Cafe Nero while he is at work. I am very lucky and have 6 months full pay mat leave, but redundancies are rife right now, so we are still having to save just in case that was cut short, plus cover the remaining months that are stat pay only. How do other families work it? Obviously, I wouldn't buy myself clothes or a bag with our joint account, but if I am out doing an activity with our baby/child as it grows, it should come from the joint account. I would be comfortable with him also using the joint account, assuming neither of us abuses it and start eating at The Ivy every day!

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 24/03/2023 14:07

If its an activity for the baby, then joint account. If its just a coffee for you, then use your own money id say.

Get ready for all the replies asking why you don't pool your money!

SleepingStandingUp · 24/03/2023 14:07

I am very lucky and have 6 months full pay mat leave
Well for the 6 months you're earning the same as him, you pay for your own. So you pay for Baby Massage from joint then pay for your own Costa on the way home. F
Why would he pay for your coffee when you're on full pay?

but redundancies are rife right now, so we are still having to save just in case that was cut short they can't make you redundant on mat leave

plus cover the remaining months that are stat pay only this is where it changes. You need to look at what your shared income is and work our who's paying what on the bills. You won't be able to afford your half, and nor should you, and neither should you be left cashless. So at this point I'd say you need to look at equal spends so you both have roughly the same amount of free cash.

When she's 9 months say and you're buying her an apple alongside your baguette, I'd just buy the apple. I couldn't be doing with making sure he paid his 38p towards it etc.

Ragwort · 24/03/2023 14:07

I can't believe you are prepared to have a baby and sex with a man yet nit pick over paying for a coffee ....

To answer your exact question... we have always had a shared bank account, everything goes into one account and we take what we need .. we are both adults and don't go overdrawn. For various reasons I was not entitled to maternity pay/leave but my DH was so delighted to be a father that he wouldn't have cared less what I spent on lunches or coffees.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/03/2023 14:10

Ragwort · 24/03/2023 14:07

I can't believe you are prepared to have a baby and sex with a man yet nit pick over paying for a coffee ....

To answer your exact question... we have always had a shared bank account, everything goes into one account and we take what we need .. we are both adults and don't go overdrawn. For various reasons I was not entitled to maternity pay/leave but my DH was so delighted to be a father that he wouldn't have cared less what I spent on lunches or coffees.

Clearly DH doesn't love our kids as much, I paid for my own coffee and still do as a SAHP

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 24/03/2023 14:10

If you're meeting up with other mums and babies I'd see this as an essential part of your child's social development so to come from the joint pot.

Having said that, I think there's more thinking about finances needed here. If you are giving up work to stay at home to bring up your joint child, I'd imagine it would be fair if your partner's income is shared with you more.

My parents had completely joined finances so I always find it mind boggling when couples are having to decide who pays for what.

Tiswa · 24/03/2023 14:10

You can be made redundant whilst on Maternity leave you can’t be made redundant because you are. There are strict rules to follow

do you have a set amount of spending money each just have that and then you can have his coffee and he can have his oret

LolaSmiles · 24/03/2023 14:12

Baby expenses should be joint and I'd include a drink for yourself if you're out because I couldn't be doing with a man who begrudged me buying a coffee when I'm out.

But, and I might get flamed for this, if you want to have a lifestyle on maternity leave where you're regularly going out for lunch, going out for coffee at a different cafe most days etc then I think you should cover it. If he joint account doesn't cover him preferring to have lunch at Cafe Nero over taking his own, I don't think the joint account should cover you choosing to do the same.

adagio · 24/03/2023 14:13

I’ve been with my DH for years and years. Pre kids we had your set up, give it take (eg when he lost his job I covered 100% joint acct bills etc until he got another); once babies arrived we switched to a common pool of money so joint got a lot more in it, and moved the same amount ‘spending money’ in our sole accounts each month regardless of what % of household income either of us earn.

All kids included stuff goes through the (now much better funded) joint acct, personal like gym, mobiles, clothes and handbags, nights out without kids comes from our sole accts.

Ponderingwindow · 24/03/2023 14:13

That is a joint expense.

as for clothes, maternity clothes are a joint expense.

and bags, so is a diaper bag

Tr1845 · 24/03/2023 14:19

We have the same account set up as you OP and same 6 months mat pay. baby focused outings eg baby sensory come from our joint account as they are for her benefit. Cafe trips & yoga come from my spending money just about to move to SMP so this might change! PS DH doesn’t care/pay attention but I manage our finances and was brought up to hate any unfairness

Pac35 · 24/03/2023 14:25

We have the same as you (our own accounts and joint for household/bills/saving)
All 'baby' things- classes, clothes, toys etc out of joint account
Coffee/lunch/ stuff for me- out of my account

BubziOwl · 24/03/2023 14:33

Crikey this is all so odd to me. You have a baby together for crying out loud!

But in any case, if I had this sort of set up I'd still find it absolutely ridiculous to have my partner begrudge paying for a cup of coffee whilst I look after our child that I grew and birthed myself.

SleepingStandingUp · 24/03/2023 14:37

ReallyShouldBeDoingSomethingElse · 24/03/2023 14:10

If you're meeting up with other mums and babies I'd see this as an essential part of your child's social development so to come from the joint pot.

Having said that, I think there's more thinking about finances needed here. If you are giving up work to stay at home to bring up your joint child, I'd imagine it would be fair if your partner's income is shared with you more.

My parents had completely joined finances so I always find it mind boggling when couples are having to decide who pays for what.

Coffee with the NCT Mom's at a month old is not part of a babies social development.

Wishitsnows · 24/03/2023 14:40

Blimey so all the changes your body goes through and the pain etc, potential impact to your career and he doesn’t think you are worth coffee and a sandwich?!

BelperLawnmower · 24/03/2023 14:40

If he's going out for lunch with work people and paying from his own funds then you should pay when you're going out as part of your "baby duties".

nowaworriedmum · 24/03/2023 14:41

Wow, this is really bizarre! Can't imagine having this conversation with my DH.

So strange you would have to set this out in stone.

Different stokes for different folks but jeeze 🤦🏻‍♀️

Original poster
a2205 · 24/03/2023 14:42

Really helpful, thank you and interesting to hear how others work it - lots of debate and different approaches. Absolutely if I am out with friends and babies at lunch, I would 100% pay for this. Pure curiosity as it all adds up over 3 months on stat pay only and bills to pay. Also, just so everyone is aware, you can be made redundant on maternity leave; you just can't be made redundant BECAUSE you are on mat leave. For example, if your company needs to reduce headcount, comes into issues, and your department is impacted, you can be made redundant, and you wouldn't necessarily get any additional pay other than stat (1 week per every year you worked there) unless the company was able/willing to enhance that package. Important that people know this. I know this as it has happened to two friends who worked at tech companies doing rounds of redundancies.

OP posts:
HateLongCovid · 24/03/2023 14:46

Once the baby arrives you'll have much more important things to occupy you than worrying over who pays for a coffee. You both share your bodies and your child together, but money is too precious to share? Surely you're a team now you're going to be parents. Is this thread for real?

saraclara · 24/03/2023 14:47

If he joint account doesn't cover him preferring to have lunch at Cafe Nero over taking his own, I don't think the joint account should cover you choosing to do the same.

That. I can't see why there's even a question mark over that.
He doesn't have lunch or coffee on the joint account during his working day. You don't have lunch or coffee on the joint account during your working as a parent day, either.

wtftodo · 24/03/2023 14:48

Once we had children, we pooled everything, and took the same out in spending money regardless of what we put in.

HateLongCovid · 24/03/2023 14:48

The government would be proud. What a capitalist country we've become. Confused

SleepingStandingUp · 24/03/2023 14:48

I dint think it's about begrudging his poor wife a mere sip of liquid whilst she toils for their newborn. It's about agreeing what comes from the shared pot WHILST YOU'RE BOTH ON EQUAL PAY.

Why should all her expenses be shared, all the baby's expenses be shares but he pay his own when she's on full wages?

giggly · 24/03/2023 14:50

I’m in the can’t believe people have kids together and don’t join finances.How does that even work if you both go out with baby, doe that come out of the baby money. Do people actually live like this, baby juice £1 out of baby fund and then you pay for you lunch out of another account?
madness in my book.

nc345678 · 24/03/2023 14:53

I would be really miffed about having to have these discussions with my partner and father of my child... we are similar earners, but even at a time where I went part time for a short period there was no question in our minds that all our finances were joint. I would never be put in a position where I had to think about who should be paying for a day out with my child- we are equal life partners and everything comes from a joint pot. I would still be of the same view if he was made redundant tomorrow.

Cuwins · 24/03/2023 14:56

adagio · 24/03/2023 14:13

I’ve been with my DH for years and years. Pre kids we had your set up, give it take (eg when he lost his job I covered 100% joint acct bills etc until he got another); once babies arrived we switched to a common pool of money so joint got a lot more in it, and moved the same amount ‘spending money’ in our sole accounts each month regardless of what % of household income either of us earn.

All kids included stuff goes through the (now much better funded) joint acct, personal like gym, mobiles, clothes and handbags, nights out without kids comes from our sole accts.

That's how ours works. I'm only working 1 day a week now (DD is 1) and was only ever on sat mat pay so from the point I went on mat leave we moved to that. All wages go into joint account all DD stuff and our joint bills plus individual essentials like car insurance/petrol comes from there then same amount of money goes into each of our own accounts each month for our own spends.
So I would take a lunch out of my own account but pay for a baby group out the joint account.
However neither of us are picky about it: if I'm out shopping and buying some things for me and some for DD in the same shop I just roughly guess which is most and pay with that card. If I'm buying a sandwich out for both of us then I normally do it on the joint account but if I was doing it a lot I would do it on my own as that's my choice.