Maternity outings - who pays?

[a2205]

My partner and I are expecting our first child later this year. We earn similarly, but I edge him with a company bonus. We have our own individual accounts, but we also transfer into a joint account to cover bills, savings etc. We are currently debating what happens while on maternity. We agreed that baby costs come from the joint account, but we are debating what should happen if, for example, I am out with our baby (mat leave) and want to get out of the house and go for coffee or lunch. Should that come from a joint account or my personal one? His argument is that our joint account won't cover his lunch from Pret or Cafe Nero while he is at work. I am very lucky and have 6 months full pay mat leave, but redundancies are rife right now, so we are still having to save just in case that was cut short, plus cover the remaining months that are stat pay only. How do other families work it? Obviously, I wouldn't buy myself clothes or a bag with our joint account, but if I am out doing an activity with our baby/child as it grows, it should come from the joint account. I would be comfortable with him also using the joint account, assuming neither of us abuses it and start eating at The Ivy every day!

You are very gracious OP, I stand corrected and please accept my apologies if you feel I was coming across as judgemental . You are correct that no one is a perfect parent, and most definitely not me. I guess it's probably better to talk about these things before the baby arrives than argue about it at a later date. Good luck to you both and hope you enjoy your new baby when the time arrives

However, we are very very relaxed about this and would never question each other on it.

Given that the DP in this example is querying the cost of a sandwich, it doesn't sound as though he is 'very very relaxed' at all.

I agree its good to talk ahead and come to an agreement, because if you wait until you are resntful of the differences, or you are dependant, you will be in a very vulnerable position with nowhere to go re bargaining power, if it comes to it.

are you married btw? Are you joint home owners? Are you on the deeds? Does your partner have life insurance, are you named on it? You are entering a very vulnerable position as an unmarried mother, where you will not have the rights that you would if you should split up. At this point in, the only protection you have is your partner's good will.

I agree, but I thought they were just using that as an example. Apologies if I’ve misunderstood though.

I’m currently on mat leave and in a similar situation (full pay for 6 months, earn slightly more and separate finances with a joint bills etc account)

Whilst on full pay, I continue to contribute as usual. All baby costs (things baby needs, classes and groups) come from the joint account. If I go out for coffee/lunch with other mummies or after a class/group I pay from my own account.

When my pay goes down we will rejig how much we each contribute to the joint account and my DH intends to ‘top me up’ but I am also intending to save some each month of full pay so I don’t have to rely on this. I’d rather have my own money to secretly buy an inordinate amount of adorable baby clothes

Oh here we go! How predictable.

OP we have a similar set-up and already have 1 DC (DC2 due any day now). We both earn similar wages (me slightly more) so transfer a set amount to joint account to cover all household/joint expenses then each have separate savings accounts. That's on the understanding that we each keep enough aside to top up the joint account if needs be. This works fine for us, personally I'd hate to have our finances completely merged because we have different spending habits - I'm a bit more liberal with my wages and tend to spend more on coffee, eating out, new clothes, cosmetics etc., whereas he is more thifty, saves and spends on himself when necessary.

I'm about to go on mat leave again and also have 6 months full pay so will just do what we normally do - anything that is necessary or DC/household-related from joint account, anything non-essential from my own account. I'd include coffees and lunches out etc as non-essential spending so will pay for those during fully paid mat leave period, after that I think we will perhaps pool finances temporarily as it gets a bit more complicated (me being on SMP then him on unpaid shared parental leave) then go back to our normal system once both earning our usual salaries again.

FWIW if you're both earning a similar salary I think you just do whatever works best for you as a couple, if there's a large discrepancy I can see the logic in pooling resources and having a set amount of spending money to ensure all contributions to the household (e.g. unpaid childcare) are recognised but personally I prefer to keep my own current account in addition to the joint one (tbh mainly ad I'd hate DH to see how much money I waste on random crap 🙈). It's not stingy to query who pays for what, it's sensible to discuss finances in advance so you're on the same page.

we have separate savings and current accounts

I’d go with baby expenses like classes etc from joint money and lunch / coffees out largely from your money. We pooled our finances after getting married and before having children. Wages have always gone into joint account and direct debit to our own accounts for the same amount of spending money each month. I’ve then had a bit extra for taking the kids out too. This way I’ve always had access to our money and have never had to ask for money from my husband, even when I was a stay at home parent and what we do with our spending money is our choice. This works really well for us and puts us both on equal footing. Looking after a baby is just as important as going out and earning.

Oh don't think I answered the question about paying for coffees lunches etc while on reduced pay - I think during that time either wages should be pooled as said or the other partner still earning their normal salary should top up the one on parental leave so each has spending money, maybe a set amount, then would deduct non-essentials including coffee out etc from that spending money (but imagine it would be happening less often during the months on reduced pay anyway...)

I find the whole thing bizarre. You're going to be a family. A single unit. Just pool everything together imo. Simple and no faffing about.

predictable. But sadly all too common. And I say that as a single parent who understands the reality of a partner who said alot but didnt deliver when push came to shove.

I hope its all great. I really do. But it is ALWAYS best to be prepared for worst case, yet plan for the best case.

Fair enough. Can see that you mean well, and I’m sorry that happened to you. I just get a bit fed up when it’s always assumed that the woman is the vulnerable one.

We don't join money. 3 kids. Manage perfect fine by just being adults, frankly. We roughly take it in turns, him more often as he works. I buy more of their bigger stuff, get their CB and tell him at the end of the month if I want money from him. We just communicate.

Ultimately- kids stuff is joint, your stuff from your account. If you go to a cafe with baby and buy a latte and a little glass of orange juice, you pay for it. If you go out and baby gets a new toy and a sandwich, the joint account pays for it. That being said, you should be prepared to pay for things for the baby that are unnecessary but you choose to do. E.g. An item of clothing they don't need

THEIR child.

She isn't a surrogate. She gets a baby she wants fro this too.

And she hasn't said he begrudges her a coffee, they're just trying to work out new dynamics. Like adults, they're communicating and weighing up different options.

We have a child and unjoined finances but we've also never ended up disagreeing over who pays for coffee, which I agree is mad.

We never had 'his' or 'her' money. We have 'our' money. We pool our resources as a family.

It means we never have to have these kind of micro managing controlling conversations.

Assuming you decide to keep separate finances, the only way you can possibly work it fairly during the stat pay period is for you to significantly decrease your financial contribution to the joint account, and for him to significantly increase his.

Both of you should be left with equal amounts of personal money after making the required contribution to the joint account.
Agree with this and then if/when OP goes back to work, the contributions need to be evaluated again, with an understanding that childcare is a shared bill and responsibility, and clarity on expectations regarding the default parent not that some childcare providers seem to read who to call first because they'll call mum first even if she's not available during the day and dad is literally working from home under 10 minutes away

This is so foreign to me, all our money has always been shared so never any worries about allocating who pays for what.

Yep same here.

I do know one couple who did disagree - I then pointed out to the woman that she earnt more than her husband. Though it was actually his attitude she was complaining about.

The sandwich is probably highlighting that now is a good point to talk about money in general. What will you do if you’re not earning similar amounts, how are you splitting childcare, will you be splitting pick up and drop-offs equally, taking time when the child is sick etc. Because all too often the stuff above is not shared equally and that starts to affect the woman’s earning potential.

It does just seem hard work to split out child, yours and his. I know people manage but it wouldn’t have been for me. Eg you all go out on a family day out to a farm park, if you’re buying a round of ice creams would you really split that 3 ways or just take it out of the joint account? I think a lot of people do gradually become more and more joint when kids are involved purely for the practicalities.

But why should you have to tell him you need money, why don’t you just have a joint account particularly as it sounds as if you don’t work.
what would happen if he ups and off?