Maternity outings - who pays?

[a2205]

My partner and I are expecting our first child later this year. We earn similarly, but I edge him with a company bonus. We have our own individual accounts, but we also transfer into a joint account to cover bills, savings etc. We are currently debating what happens while on maternity. We agreed that baby costs come from the joint account, but we are debating what should happen if, for example, I am out with our baby (mat leave) and want to get out of the house and go for coffee or lunch. Should that come from a joint account or my personal one? His argument is that our joint account won't cover his lunch from Pret or Cafe Nero while he is at work. I am very lucky and have 6 months full pay mat leave, but redundancies are rife right now, so we are still having to save just in case that was cut short, plus cover the remaining months that are stat pay only. How do other families work it? Obviously, I wouldn't buy myself clothes or a bag with our joint account, but if I am out doing an activity with our baby/child as it grows, it should come from the joint account. I would be comfortable with him also using the joint account, assuming neither of us abuses it and start eating at The Ivy every day!

You’re having a baby with this person and debating who pays for a coffee? This doesn’t bode well.

My husband wouldn't care who's account anything came out of, his, mine, the joint, credit card, savings, whatever, as long as I had a good time. Are you supposed to split your own bill? Latte on this card please and fruit shoot on this one? Tell him to get over himself.

You can be made redundant during pregnancy or maternity or parental leave, providing it is a genuine redundancy situation and you have not been selected for redundancy because of your pregnancy or leave. If you are being made redundant you may be entitled to redundancy pay and/or notice pay.

This would never have worked for me mainly because I’d never remember which card to use for which activity! When DH and I married both our salaries went into one account which we use for everything. He’s been away this week and having a lot more coffees and Pret lunches etc but I don’t care. Neither of us are big spenders and he has never once questioned me on what I have bought - eg this week bought an £70 bra (unusually expensive purchase for me) which I know he won’t ask about. Much simpler to live this way!

It's such an interesting topic that is clearly very divisive. I realise now the question I posted didn't have enough context or enough for people to read between the lines. I just wanted to understand how parents work it and discuss these things - everyone's opinions have been super interesting to read and will be a good topic of convo over dinner this evening. I will say that just because one person or couple doesn't do exactly the same as someone else, it doesn't mean they are any better or worse. I would never dream of judging anyone otherwise, if I did, it would mean I think my choices are perfect. I don't know one parent or human that is perfect. If a couple choose to have separate accounts and it works, good for them. If a couple pools all of it, great. I have a friend who pools their money, and her husband constantly goes on golfing days and holidays but she doesn't spend anywhere near as much on herself. She regrets not having a separate account. We have been together for 8 years, and everything has worked harmoniously so I am confident it will move forward in the same way. We were just curious. He wouldn't begrudge me a coffee, nor would I him. It was more about the ongoing day to day in stat pay period and how others have worked it.

Ah yes. Seems you're a lesser couple of you don't pool everything.
We also don't. I have no interest in knowing what he wastes his money and neither does he me.
We're about to have the same issue and have also been thinking of the fairest way to spilt everything. So far we've agreed that he'll up his contributions to the shared bills pot so that we both have the same left over as spends. (Same as you, we pretty much do pre-baby as we earn similar).
Anything baby related will go on the joint card. Hadn't thought about lunches, to be honest I'll probably buy those myself same as I would on a work day. Baby classes probably joint. Fitness classes (those you can take the baby to) I'd probably pay for myself.
We don't have issues between us with money and never have, I really doubt he's going to care what I do, though it's going to be tighter for both of us whilst I'm on mat leave.
If you come up with the perfect solution (not everything in account) do let me know!

Same here @BubziOwl

DH and I just don't see money that way. All our earnings are for the benefit of our household (us and our 2 kids) so just wouldn't overthink this stuff or care about how a coffee is funded. Obviously I wouldn't go on a mad spending spree at Harrods or randomly book an expensive holiday when we couldn't afford to but otherwise day to day stuff we couldn't care less as we see it all as one pot.

On the redundancy thing I was made redundant during maternity leave but technically my joblessness didn't begin until my official maternity leave ended but the company shut down almost overnight and everyone lost their jobs so I wasn't discriminated against in any way. The amount of people who kept telling me it was illegal and I can't be made redundant was so unhelpful.

I think if you both feel this way about finances then you need to work out what works for you. If you're happy to divide the money so that if its baby related it's a joint account, if its a coffee for you then it's out of your account.

I'd probably just use one card and then once a week pay the joint account back for anything I had spent on just me, to save trying to work it all out everytime I went out. For example, trip to supermarket, bread for Me for lunch, I pay for, milk for baby, out of joint account? Too complicated.

The issue comes if one of you feels differently but hopefully that would have been resolved before deciding to have a baby together.

We shared everything from when we got married. All accounts joint. We have a house and a child, it's so much easier for us but doesn't mean it's right for everyone.

Why can't you just share money? You have a child together. I find it so odd when couples keep separate finances and quibble over tiny things like this.

When I was on maternity leave we made sure we both had similar money after bills etc and DH paid half towards classes like swimming but lunch and coffee were my own to buy

Just pool all your money and then you don't have to worry about what is covered or not.

one thing to also consider, although it isnt finance related, is to ensure that you dont fall into the trap of default housekeeper 'because you are off all the time'

If he is pulling his weight regarding household chores now, while you are still both working, then he absolutely needs to keep on doing the same, even when you are off work. To be honest you may well struggle in the early days to keep up with your half even if you are at home.

Its important to remember that having a baby is hard work and costs money, and so nobody gets a free ride.

if you arent earning alot, be it SMP or you get made redundant, then he is going to have less money for spends too.

If there is more work to do in the household, either because you now need to add in child related work in the evenings/weekends or because youve had a bad day and havent even managed to brush your teeth, then he needs to know that he will be tired and he will have more to do each week on the domestic front.

I see too much resentment build up because maternity leave is suddenly seen as getting a free housekeeper, and their work goes down. And yet they dont seem to want the 1950s 'I need to support my family' bit, and resent having to support their wife while she is not working fulltime.

the families who survive are the families where both parents are taking an active role in the children and the drudgery, and where both parents have access to the same amount of free time and money, however much or little it is.

I've only read your posts OP, so I'm probably repeating what others have said but if you want to retain separate finances post baby I'd consider both of you upping what goes into the joint account so that you both use it for incidental coffees, lunches etc and your individual accounts are just for bigger spends. The idea of having to discuss who pays for a coffee or a sandwich sounds frankly exhausting and the lines of personal vs family will blur hugely once the baby is here.

I hope your DH is planning to transfer money to you while you're on statutory pay - if you're on an equal financial footing now that should still be the case when you return to work, the drop in income is a family expense for the baby's benefit, not yours to shoulder alone.

a friends father once told me that he more than happily supported his wife financially, because not only did he of course love and respect what she did as a housemaker and mother and wife, supporting him to work and build up a buisiness, but he said he couldnt afford her if he worked out what she was worth and he had to buy in all the jobs - a PA, a childminder, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, a life coach and therapist. She was worth her weight in gold. He properly valued what her contribution to the family was, and it wasnt based on how much money she brought in.

Can't believe people even think and live their lives like this !

Work your finances however you want but the reality is that your set up until now has allowed you to sleepwalk into a situation where you are now being penalised financially for taking a year out of work to look after your joint child. I wouldn't worry too much about the coffees as once you get to stat maternity pay you won't have anything spare after you pay your half of the bills yet your 'D'H will still have seen no impact to his finances. If this is a genuine discussion you are having, I expect he would also say that your year 'off' is a jolly. Watch out here.

I had 6 months full pay so i just carried onnpaying for my stuff normally, don't forget you'll get child benefit which i use for aoftplay etc outings.
when i drop to SMP i lose about £1500 a month from my normal salary so we've split it in 2, i take £750 from my savings and my DH pays an extra £750 into our joint account. This leaves me with my normal spending money for the month, i just put less into joint essentially while i'm on SMP

When I got SMP we changed our finances. He paid all the bills, car, house, phones etc and my money was the fun money and day to day expenses. It's stayed the same way. We save child benefit for our daughter.

This. I couldn't be with a man who begrudged me buying a sandwich.

I know people say each to their own in how you choose to manage finances etc. but there is something so excruciatingly petty about checking which debit card your partner bought their coffee with.

In answer to the question - because you are soon going to have a period when you are not earning a full wage, you both need to rethink how you approach money. And best to do that at the start - kick off how you mean to go on. Beyond 6 months, when your full pay ceases, you are going to need equal access to family money, and that will need some sort of pooling arrangement.

This seems obsessive and petty tbh

Wow. Has he missed the bit where you are carrying and delivering and caring for HIS child? And he begrudges you a few coffees??? Charming!

It was more about the ongoing day to day in stat pay period and how others have worked it.

Assuming you decide to keep separate finances, the only way you can possibly work it fairly during the stat pay period is for you to significantly decrease your financial contribution to the joint account, and for him to significantly increase his.

Both of you should be left with equal amounts of personal money after making the required contribution to the joint account.

It’s very frustrating to see so many people on this thread that are so convinced that their way is the only way. I’m surprised this hasn’t turned into a ‘why aren’t you married if you’re having a child’ thread, even though they have no idea about your financial position.

OP, we have the same set up as you and we have 2 kids. Mostly because we are very different in what we like to spend our money on. I like expensive furniture where as he couldn’t care less, and he likes expensive computer equipment. We would not want to run these spending decisions past each other! When on maternity, we changed how much we paid into the joint account to reflect my income and our new expenses. So the conversation you’ve had with your DP is important, so please ignore anyone trying to tell you otherwise.

To answer your question, I usually pay for anything that’s just for me and the kids myself. My partner does the same when he takes them out. If it’s a family day they we generally use the joint account. However, we are very very relaxed about this and would never question each other on it. If joint funds are low then we just pay ourselves. It’s never ever caused as issue.

and good to be sorting this now, rather than 9 months down the line when you are still expected to be contributing equally to the finances, and have burned through all your savings