Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Should I tell my kids

51 replies

Cabanabar · 26/01/2023 15:19

I’ve recently come into a lot of money, quite unexpectedly. I’m from a working class background and I’d like my kids to understand the value of money via having to earn it themselves. They are aged 11 and 16. My first thought is not to tell them about the money, but is this, as my husband has hinted, an abusive thing to do, as they are bound to find out, and realise I’ve lied to them. Should I tell them, or not?

OP posts:
LIZS · 26/01/2023 15:21

Presumably it is not immediately accessible to them . Tell them but ring-fence it for future.

FindingMeno · 26/01/2023 15:22

You aren't lying by not telling them, and if your dh thinks that's abusive he's a bit daft tbh.

mycatsanutter · 26/01/2023 15:24

It's not abuse that's for sure ! I would tell them yes but maybe not how much , kids don't have to know everything about their parents finances .

ImmigrantAlice · 26/01/2023 15:25

I don’t think there’s any need to tell them.

If it’s enough to pay a chunk off the mortgage you could do that and never mention it again. If, on the other hand you’ve been scraping a very tough existence out and now have enough to buy diamond crusted helicopters then you’re probably going to need to explain to them what’s happened.

Choconut · 26/01/2023 15:31

You've come into money not them! It's up to you if you want to tell them or not. If it's just going to be invested then I wouldn't personally as it might give them expectations. If you're going to buy a new family home with it then I would.

Onnabugeisha · 26/01/2023 15:41

I’d tell them. It’s a bit sad that you think so little of them that you think telling them will destroy any work ethic they have.

If you end up spending the money in a way that improves the family lifestyle, (ie go on holidays, new car, fat pension fund, bigger house )it would be lying for them to be under the impression that you “worked” for this money instead of inheriting it.

One of my younger cousins, his dad was a lorry driver and his mum was a charity shop cashier. I remember taking him for days out when he was 13. He used to brag about how he didn’t need to get his GCSEs because his mum and dad left school without finishing, and look how much money they earned. I was only 19/20 and didn’t tell him that no, actually, his dad had inherited a £5m trust fund and only drove lorries for fun while his mum did charity work PT to give back to the community. I felt it wasn’t my place to tell him, as obviously his parents hadn’t told him where their money for a nice living standard really came from.

He left school never getting GCSEs and went to work in a tyre shop. He soon realised what his parents wages really could buy, and that there was a big chuck on money spent that was unaccounted for. He is still bitter about it and I feel partially responsible. I should have told him even though it wasn’t really my business. He’s now in his 30s and still slinging tyres.

Hadalifeonce · 26/01/2023 15:43

When my mother died, I told my DC that she left me some money, but not how much. I gave them some for something they wanted to do, invested some, and made some improvements to the house. They obviously knew it was from the inheritance, but they still do not know how much it was.

boboshmobo · 26/01/2023 15:43

Depends how much it is and how much it will change yours and their lives
Ie.. will it buy them a home ? Or pay for uni etc?

If not then they won't really care surely? If it's just a holiday etc then just say you have got it and you are all going away ..

I wouldn't make a big deal of it .

FusionChefGeoff · 26/01/2023 15:50

Hadalifeonce · 26/01/2023 15:43

When my mother died, I told my DC that she left me some money, but not how much. I gave them some for something they wanted to do, invested some, and made some improvements to the house. They obviously knew it was from the inheritance, but they still do not know how much it was.

This sounds very sensible

Eyeofthestorm7 · 26/01/2023 15:55

Why on earth would your DH say it’s abusive? how strange. I agree that it’s a good idea not to talk about the money but to invest it for their future lives. So many young lives messed up with drugs, mental health issues, drinking.

Maybe you are right in being discreet and giving them the best chance to be strong, well adjusted, independent people without becoming entitled/spoilt/demotivated. It must be a hard decision but I think you should trust your instincts and hope you can trust your DH to be discreet with family and others?

Pallisers · 26/01/2023 16:00

When mine were that age, they had no idea how much money we had in savings or pensions. Why would they? It was not any of their concern. They knew we were comfortable and could afford more than some of their friends and less than others. I inherited some money from my mother around then - I told them I had an inheritance, not how much - they weren't interested in how much anyway.

You aren't lying to them. you are simply not sharing some information that is for the adults only. Nothing abusive about it and your dh's attitude is strange tbh. If you didn't tell him about the inheritance then, that might be abusive.

TiaraBoo · 26/01/2023 16:03

It’s hardly abusive- it’s your money, you’ve not taken it from your children.

I think letting them know that you are comfortable enough to cover university fees and assistance is good if your eldest is thinking ahead and academically inclined.

Or if you think family members will be coming over shouting you won the lottery/inheritance… you could always say something along the lines of… we’ve received/won some money, we’re saving some in our pensions, putting some aside for university fees/ driving lessons and are going to spend some on a nice holiday /doing up the house.

I wouldn’t want to tell them how much.

ShippingNews · 26/01/2023 16:05

At that age it would be quite unusual to talk to your kids about your finances - it's no different now. If you are going to pay off debts, or invest for the future, it isn't going to be glaringly obvious to the kids anyway. If you are going to purchase material things like a new car or fancy holidays, you can just say that money isn't as tight as it used to be . Why on earth your DH would call this abuse, is beyond me. It isn't.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 26/01/2023 16:07

You aren't lying to your dc by making a parenting decision they may or may not like. Don't we do that about everything?
It's called being the adult.

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 16:08

How much is it? Personally I tell my kids things like this.

HowcanIhelp123 · 26/01/2023 16:10

I think it depends how much money you're talking about. If its enough to pay off your mortgage and thats it, then I don't see why you'd tell them. You're better off by the amount your mortgage is each month which may allow more treats etc but doesn't need to be specific. If its enough to pay for a holiday you could say that x left you y or whatever the situation was so thats a nice holiday but then that's it gone.

If you're now a millionaire and plan to live your life differently because of it then thats different. You can't buy a new home, have big renovations, several holidays, send to private school etc and them not realise something is up 😂. But I would be clear on the level of help available. If I could I'd pay for reasonable education (e.g. 4 years of university) because loans now really suck as interest and level is so high. But I'd be clear about boundaries if they mess about and get kicked out and want to do another etc.

Fragrantandfoolish · 26/01/2023 16:12

I am also unsure what you are saying, are you wanting to lie to them and tell them you are skint so you don’t habe to give them any. Is this what you’re really saying?

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/01/2023 16:16

It sounds as though your husband can't wait to start spending that money and is afraid he won't be able to if you can't talk about it with the children.

I wouldn't tell the children any figures at all. I wouldn't tell them about money put by for them - they can change so rapidly that I'd play safe and keep quiet about it.

I would say that you've had some money and you're going to treat them to a holiday or whatever, though.

ManyNameChanges · 26/01/2023 16:30

Abusive?? Unless the money is at their name, it has nothing to do with them. And it’s ok for you to tell them or not.

Then, how much are you talking about? Life changing stuff or a good amount?
Because that will probably have an impact on what you are telling them
I agree that telling them the exact amount isn’t necessary.
But telling them could be an opportunity to show them how to handle money
eg nit blowing it all but investing, changing or nit your lifestyle etc….
If it a good amount but won’t change your life significantly (but let’s say it will allow you pay your mortgage) then there is, Imo, no need to go on about it.
If it’s a huge amount and you are moving house etc… then a different issue.

Wondering what your DH feels and what is he expecting you to do with that money tbh.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 26/01/2023 16:31

Depends how much it is and what you intend to do with it. Agree with those above who say you don’t want your children feeling they don’t have to work hard as you’ll be finding their lives. I have no intention of telling our children how much DH and I have in investments or what we intend to give them when they’re older. It is complicated if you revive money as a windfall rather than earning it. Not telling the children isbt abusive though. I’d keep a lid on it until you abd DH decide what you want to do with it

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 26/01/2023 16:32

Funding their lives

slowquickstep · 26/01/2023 16:33

Why are your finances anything to do with your children ? Tell them and they may think they are entitled to a better phone/clothes/Games console. Your Husband is being ridiculous.

LeapingCat · 26/01/2023 16:40

I can’t imagine how it could be classed as abusive, unless you are taking your aim to teach them the value of money to the extreme. Are you one of those people who can afford it but refuse to buy clothes or anything for your 16 year old and expect them to do 20 hours a week work while they’re doing their A-Levels?

Babyenroute · 26/01/2023 16:44

I don't think you need to tell them and it isn't being deceitful. I have never had any idea how much money my parents had, and don't consider it much of my business as long as I was comfortable and looked after as a kid

stopringingme · 26/01/2023 16:44

I wouldn't mention it unless they bought it up but I certainly would not tell them how much.

If it came from an inheritance tell them that.

I can't see how it is abusive, it is your money and depending on how much you got I am sure you will get advice on how best to invest some for their future.

If you do tell them it will soon be round their friends and parents - do you want everyone to know.

Swipe left for the next trending thread