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Original poster

Should I tell my kids

51 replies

Cabanabar · 26/01/2023 15:19

I’ve recently come into a lot of money, quite unexpectedly. I’m from a working class background and I’d like my kids to understand the value of money via having to earn it themselves. They are aged 11 and 16. My first thought is not to tell them about the money, but is this, as my husband has hinted, an abusive thing to do, as they are bound to find out, and realise I’ve lied to them. Should I tell them, or not?

OP posts:
bigbluebus · 26/01/2023 16:58

Why would you need to tell them? I didn't tell my DS when I got some inheritance after DM died. He obviously knew his GM had died and her house was put up for sale but it was 12 months between her dying and the estate being distributed so well out of DS's thought process by then (if it was ever there in the first place).

He's had help to buy a car and we are feeding his Help 2 Buy account but he doesn't know which pot that comes from or how much money we have.

MrsSquirrel · 26/01/2023 16:59

Hadalifeonce · 26/01/2023 15:43

When my mother died, I told my DC that she left me some money, but not how much. I gave them some for something they wanted to do, invested some, and made some improvements to the house. They obviously knew it was from the inheritance, but they still do not know how much it was.

Similar for me. After my father died, I told my teen dc that I had some money from Grandpa, but not how much. We went on a nice holiday with Grandpa's money. I also told them I was going to pay down the mortgage, but they weren't so interested in that.

I think it's a good idea to talk about money management with children, in a general way, to educate them so they will have some idea of what to do when they have to manage their own finances.

Caterina99 · 27/01/2023 10:00

Really depends how much it is!

If it’s going to help you out a lot, but not radically change your lives then I’d maybe give them a token amount each or spend some on something you can all benefit from. The rest would go into savings/mortgage etc and no I wouldn’t tell my DC how much. Me being financially more secure benefits then hugely, but they don’t need to know exact details.

If we’re talking give up job, new house, millions kind of money then I’d probably have to explain that to them.

Figgygal · 27/01/2023 10:03

Why are the family finances their business? I get theyre teens but....

MrsMikeDrop · 27/01/2023 10:04

FindingMeno · 26/01/2023 15:22

You aren't lying by not telling them, and if your dh thinks that's abusive he's a bit daft tbh.

This. I wouldn't tell them until they're older

Toddlingturtle · 27/01/2023 10:04

Of course you don’t need to tell them. It’s none of their business and I wouldn’t even consider telling them

cantba · 27/01/2023 10:31

Why would tou not tell them - in broad terms. My children know all about the inheritance i got from my parents and also know that i work long hours to find their nice life.

Its not abusive though. Thats a ridiculous idea.

Zipps · 27/01/2023 11:02

I would tell them but not how much. I would also discuss with them the kind of things I would do with it such as invest, save, spend a bit and on what. It's part of them learning about personal finance imo. Our grown up dc know what's in our will. One of our dc has their own successful business, the other is studying finance as do I in part. Far too many unhealthy secrets regards money in this country.

WaddleAway · 27/01/2023 11:04

I would tell mine, as I’m pretty confident that it wouldn’t destroy any work ethic/ambition they had.

DressingForRevenge · 27/01/2023 11:08

There’s a difference between “woohoo we’re going to Florida this summer” and “dad’s just parking the helicopter” - and they’d likely only question the latter.

not abusive I don’t think.

GoodChat · 27/01/2023 11:12

What are you planning on doing with it? You don't need to tell them but I wouldn't lie either.

BrieAndChilli · 27/01/2023 11:19

it really depends on how much and how you got it. as well as what you are gpoing to spend it on

10k - not really any need to tell them or not tell them, totally up to you, they probably woulndt notice a small amount, you could just say you got a good deal on a holiday or car or whatever.

100k - if just going to pay off the mortgage than no need to say anything, going on a spending spree then you will probably want to say something

10 million - no way you can hide that level of money and like a pp said you dont want them thinking your new lifestlye is supported by an ordinary job.

SD1978 · 27/01/2023 11:19

What do they need to know? If they don't contribute to family finances, they don't need to know about family finances. I wouldn't tell them, because it's not their money, it's yours to use as you see fit.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/01/2023 11:22

I wouldn't tell them how much, just say you inherited a bit and treat them to something.

I've never understood parents who tell their DCs everything about their personal finances. I remember a friend of my DDs coming round, aged about 12, and telling me all about their mortgage, the interest rate, their savings, car loan. Bizarre!

WaddleAway · 27/01/2023 11:56

FrenchandSaunders · 27/01/2023 11:22

I wouldn't tell them how much, just say you inherited a bit and treat them to something.

I've never understood parents who tell their DCs everything about their personal finances. I remember a friend of my DDs coming round, aged about 12, and telling me all about their mortgage, the interest rate, their savings, car loan. Bizarre!

I actually think it’s very useful for children of that age to understand the basics of mortgages/interest rates etc. So many people leave school without having a clue how the basics work regarding finances.
Not advocating for the exact numbers to be discussed in detail, but a general idea around how the finances of running a home/life work.

stealthninjamum · 27/01/2023 12:02

I don’t think it’s abusive to not tell them.

I would say it depends on how much it is, what you’ll be spending it on and your child, their anxieties and their attitudes towards money.

in my case i have a serious dc who is worried that when she is older she won’t be able to afford a house and another dc who has more day to day worries like can she afford a boba tea on her pocket money? So assuming I wasn’t going mad (buying myself a new car for example) would be inclined to mention that I will be able to support dc in buying houses when they’re older because of the new money to reassure them. I’d need to find a way to tell dd2 that the money will not be spent on boba tea!

Fenella123 · 27/01/2023 12:02

It's your money not theirs and a lot of teens are blasé about money until they've had to work for it themselves!

That said, never mind telling them/not telling them - make sure you have a will and consider putting some in trust for them /leaving them some directly.

Your DH may be a saint now, but let us say there is a terrible car accident. You die, he has a brain injury and it changes his personality. He inherits from you. He then remarries, DOESN'T make a will, dies, wife #2 gets it all and the kids can whistle (particularly if they're adults by that time).

sleephelp2022 · 27/01/2023 12:24

Abusive??? 🤔 very odd comment to make.

I have no idea why you need to or should tell them at all. My parents (granted I'm in my 30s) have come in to quite a lot of money recently from inheritance and I didn't feel like they needed to tell me. My mum also received a large sum of unpaid child support from my dad when I was 19. Again didn't find out until I was late 20s nor did I care.

It's your money, I've always felt like parents money is parents money and nothing to do with the kids. Also imagine telling youngish impressionable kids that you now have a small fortune and the go around telling everyone.... unsafe if you ask me!

Don't tell them 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't see any benefit in doing so.

slowquickstep · 27/01/2023 12:49

As Shaquille O'neal told his children " we are not rich. I am rich" Nothing to do with the children.

BlisterWives · 27/01/2023 16:48

When I inherited money I didn’t mention it to my DC. I did give them all £250 cash for Christmas that year plus their normal presents. Two thirds I’ve put by for the youngest two DC’s flat deposits and the rest went setting by the eldest up with a property.
I don’t think you need to mention it at all and not doing so is certainly not abusive.

monkeysmum21 · 27/01/2023 17:12

ICanHideButICantRun · 26/01/2023 16:16

It sounds as though your husband can't wait to start spending that money and is afraid he won't be able to if you can't talk about it with the children.

I wouldn't tell the children any figures at all. I wouldn't tell them about money put by for them - they can change so rapidly that I'd play safe and keep quiet about it.

I would say that you've had some money and you're going to treat them to a holiday or whatever, though.

Exactly my thoughts!

Dyrne · 29/01/2023 00:13

Abusive is the wrong word. It’d only be abusive if you were forcing them to live in poverty and leave them stressing about money while you hoarded even basic necessities for yourself.

How much is it? Surely to be enough for you to worry about their work ethic, you’re talking multi millions? Anything less isn’t really “kids never having to work a day in their life” money.

I’d use this opportunity to get yourself some financial advice, and also educate your children about money. If you raise them right it shouldn’t be a problem - for example one of my friends has extremely rich parents; and he and his sister are well taken care of. They’ve both entered into very fulfilling, tough, selfless careers that are relatively low paid; but having that financial safety net has enabled them to do that.

You don’t have to give them an exact number but as PP have said, it’s best to talk in general terms about coming into some money but instill values around saving/investing and having a fulfilling career.

RegainingTheWill2023 · 29/01/2023 00:22

Abusive?? What a strange thing to say.
My dd knows that I inherited some money from my parents. But not how much. She knows this is how I'm funding the work I'm having done on the house at the moment and knows that I can afford to pay for her driving lessons for example. But I can see no reason to give her figures.

Testina · 29/01/2023 12:42

Your husband sounds thick. Or manipulative - wanting you to spend the money on visible things.

My children don’t know how much I earn. Because the detail of my finances is none of their business. They know we’re a fortunate family who earn more than average, and are aware that we’re not “rich” - still very much an income where you have to budget. But the details? Nah. That’s not lying. And certainly not abusive. How did you not laugh at your husband’s nonsense?

100% think he just wants you to start splashing the cash on the things he wants.

Franticbutterfly · 29/01/2023 16:50

My children don't know how much money I have in the bank...why would they need to?