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Original poster

Should my children have more than DH's?

112 replies

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 10:51

If I am the breadwinner (alot of my income is generated by having my 2 children) and DH cant contribute much to the household finances due to very low income, should his 2 children from his previous relationship (who live a 3 hour drive away with their mum and stay with us alternate weekends) have the same amount of money spent on them as my children who live with us?

By this i mean for birthday gifts and celebrations, Christmas, holidays, day trips, leisure activities etc.

I feel my children are missing out on so much more that they could have had because my income is being divided by DHs children also. Is this fair?

Thoughts please

OP posts:
GotAnyGrapez · 19/01/2023 10:54

Personally I'd be telling him to look for another job and increase his salary. I wouldn't spend the same as your dc - surely there mum buys them things too? So it should be 50/50 between them not expect you to fund his children.

Outnumbered99 · 19/01/2023 10:54

I think this is a discussion you should have had long before he became your DH, and for me it depends whether they are also getting gifts and experiences from their other parent. If not, especially days out and holidays, then it does seem mean to make your DH's children suffer.

tribpot · 19/01/2023 10:57

Is your DH doing the majority of childcare and home management? I'm confused as to how your income is generated by having 2 children, I assume your main source of income isn't child benefit??

LaLuz7 · 19/01/2023 10:58

No. You buy for yours, he buys for his. Each using their own savings, not from the family pot.

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 10:58

Thankyou for your replies x

DH's children both have double of everything from their mum aswell as us. My children don't receive as much from their dad.

DH and I did discuss and originally i had agreed that we would equally share the household income (easier said than done i suppose- didnt really thoroughlythink through the consequences of this at the time). I feel that I am now becoming resentful and wish I hadn't agreed to this. I feel so guilty that my children could be having so much more.

Whilst I'd never see my DHs children go without I do feel they get more by getting double everything whilst my children don't get as much from their dad.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 19/01/2023 10:59

Oh, yikes.

What’s the disparity at Xmas and birthday? It would be harsh to sit opening a book when your step sibling was opening an x box, say.

Holidays… do you do some the 4 of you and some the six of you?

snowlolo · 19/01/2023 11:00

My view would be that when you marry you combine finances, so everything you own, you own together.

That means that he gets an equal say as to what happens to the money.

It doesn't really matter who earns more as when you marry you agree to share it evenly.

I don't think there's one right answer to your question but you don't have more entitlement to decide because you earn more. You need to reach an agreement/ compromise together.

BraveGoldie · 19/01/2023 11:00

I think any time the kids are with you, they should receive equal. So all sitting around the Christmas tree together or day trips when they are there for their weekend, if would be horrible to discriminate.

I don't think there is any obligation to reduce what your kids get while his kids are with their mum.... though if they are big things and your kids are at an age they would understand, you should make sure they are not proactively boasting about these things when DH's kids are around.

It would be really good to arrange some cool holidays when you have them all together (ie not always arrange for the nice holiday to be when his kids aren't there.) day trips and stuff there's no reason his kids would even know or notice they are happening when they are not there. But if every awesome holiday happens the moment they return to their mum's that has got to be painful and noticeable.

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:00

Dh works fulltime in a minimum wage paid job. He pays his ex child maintenance.

I work part time as I care for my children also (both have disabilities). I get my wages, children's DLA, child benefit and universal credit.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 19/01/2023 11:02

Is his low income a result of looking after your kids?
Does he work full time ?
Does he earn enough to pay his share of the bills and save for birthdays and Christmas ?

I assume that your children's birthday celebrations are sensitively done so that his kids don't have to watch your kids unwrap £100s of gifts while they get like £50.

In your shoes I wouldn't live with a man earning so much less for this reason. You should be able to spend your money guilt free.

As the breadwinner you probably need to subsidise some costs when stepkids visit but I think that dad needs to do his best to earn more or prevent his kids knowing how much more your kids get. Presumably he's also benefitting from the holidays and trips out to a certain extent?

snowlolo · 19/01/2023 11:03

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:00

Dh works fulltime in a minimum wage paid job. He pays his ex child maintenance.

I work part time as I care for my children also (both have disabilities). I get my wages, children's DLA, child benefit and universal credit.

Salaries should be equally shared and decisions about what is done with that money made by you both.

Your children's DLA/ child benefit should be in a separate pot to be spent on your children.

If you love one another enough to be married then you should be able to communicate and come to an agreement/ compromise about what you do with salary money.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 19/01/2023 11:03

I think that a chunk of your income comes from the children’s DLA does change things. Ordinarily I’d say all children should be treated the same, but I think this money needs to be ring fenced for their benefit-whether this means any bills which are higher due to their needs or any additional equipment/clothing they need.

SpaceRaiders · 19/01/2023 11:04

The DLA is for your children and your children only for a start.

How you then decide to manage the remaining finances should be discussed and your DH should look to increase his income if need be.

Enko · 19/01/2023 11:05

Birthday gifts yes equal
Christmas yes equal presents but additional like stocking and experiences (santa skating panto) will depend on where they are. Aka if w mum no stocking/panto etc at dads.
Holidays holidays spent with you equal but holidays without them where they are with mum they do not need equally of. You can go on holiday without his children.
Day trips no yours will have more than they willl as they are with you. If you all go out together equally that day
leisure activities not equal yours live with you they live else where. Yours will need more than his will.

Enko · 19/01/2023 11:05

I forgot to add a quote I think is relevant for this. Treating your children. Equally does not mean treating them the same.

PeekAtYou · 19/01/2023 11:07

Does your h and his ex get along ? What I mean having a tablet at mum's house and a tablet at dad's house isn't really double if the tablet can't travel between houses. The kids in that case don't really have double because 2 tablets would be the only way to ensure they had access to a tablet iyswim.

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:07

DHs children have Christmas and boxing day at home with their mum. They come and stay with us for the days after in between NYE so they don't all open presents together. DHs children alsonhave their birthdays at their home with their mum and we usually see them the day before or after their birthday.

We have only been able to afford a 4 day UK holiday because all 6 of us go. Its the only holiday. I have family abroad and would love to visit (not been since been with my DH as can't afford for all 6 of us to go) but I feel that if I suggested this to DH he would refuse to come because we can't afford to take his children aswell.....even though they are supposed to be going to Spain for a week with their mum this year.

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/01/2023 11:07

Would it make more sense for your DH to go part-time and you to go full-time? (Not suggesting his contribution to his own kids should reduce, but would the household have more money as a result?)

Jobsharenightmare · 19/01/2023 11:08

I would think of it as the parents' combined income:

Yours plus your children's father (pot A)
Your husband's plus his children's mother (pot B)

Then look at is it fair if you spend your income on his kids because is pot B is being topped up by you.

snowlolo · 19/01/2023 11:09

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:07

DHs children have Christmas and boxing day at home with their mum. They come and stay with us for the days after in between NYE so they don't all open presents together. DHs children alsonhave their birthdays at their home with their mum and we usually see them the day before or after their birthday.

We have only been able to afford a 4 day UK holiday because all 6 of us go. Its the only holiday. I have family abroad and would love to visit (not been since been with my DH as can't afford for all 6 of us to go) but I feel that if I suggested this to DH he would refuse to come because we can't afford to take his children aswell.....even though they are supposed to be going to Spain for a week with their mum this year.

That is a bit silly about the holiday to see your family - your family aren't related to your DH's children so why would they go?

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:09

yes they get along and all very civil.
By double I mean birthday gifts and birthday celebrations, Christmas gifts and celebrations, holidays.

OP posts:
PeekAtYou · 19/01/2023 11:12

The update about DLA does make a difference. the DLA means that your kids are "more expensive " than a "normal" kid. So you might have to buy an item more often or the more expensive version because of their disability.

How much do your kids lose out on by treating everyone equally? How much have their budgets gone down since your partner moved in ?

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:12

yes I completely agree and try to make sure it is however DH feels that this is part of the family income pot. I think this is where his thoughts around how we divide money between the children is completely wrong and unfair.

OP posts:
StarsSand · 19/01/2023 11:14

How does having children generate income? Are you a mummy blogger or something?

SammyScrounge · 19/01/2023 11:14

You talk of 'my' income but you have a partner and so now It's 'our' income. Your partner's children are important to him and cannot be disregarded without causing difficulties in his relationship with his children. The children,if you are not careful, will note any differences in treatment and this will cause massive resentment.
Time to start thinking in terms of 'our family'.