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Original poster

Should my children have more than DH's?

112 replies

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 10:51

If I am the breadwinner (alot of my income is generated by having my 2 children) and DH cant contribute much to the household finances due to very low income, should his 2 children from his previous relationship (who live a 3 hour drive away with their mum and stay with us alternate weekends) have the same amount of money spent on them as my children who live with us?

By this i mean for birthday gifts and celebrations, Christmas, holidays, day trips, leisure activities etc.

I feel my children are missing out on so much more that they could have had because my income is being divided by DHs children also. Is this fair?

Thoughts please

OP posts:
Cuppasoupmonster · 19/01/2023 11:15

LaLuz7 · 19/01/2023 10:58

No. You buy for yours, he buys for his. Each using their own savings, not from the family pot.

This. Your hard work is financing his kids. Not fair on your own. He needs to find a new job or a second one if he’s so hard up you’re forking out for his kids presents.

StarsSand · 19/01/2023 11:18

By 'breadwinner' you mean that you receive children's DLA, child benefit and universal credit?

Those payments are for the benefit of your children, they're not your wages. They should all be spent on your children IMO. It's not appropriate to split that between other children who are either ineligible for the same supports or are receiving their own payments already.

Your wages I guess you could split, but I don't think you're morally obligated.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/01/2023 11:18

But then I’m a bit bitter because my dad insisted on splitting the ‘flat deposit fund’ he’d saved for his kids amongst his step kids as well so we all ended up with less 😆 he didn’t raise them or anything the youngest was 17 when they came into his life. He had to be ‘fair’ apparently…

BaconMassive · 19/01/2023 11:20

What would spending more on your children entail?

More/better toys, more/better clothes, more/better food?

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:21

My total income including my wages, child benefit, child maintenance, children's DLA and the UC we get as a couple/family totals alot more than the £100 a week he brings to the table. He does pay most of his car expenses (I don't drive so do contribute by paying his car tax, insurance and I help pay towards his MOT and costs. He drives for all the fanily outings, food shopping, running my kids around, picking his kids up and fetches me from work. He pays for his petrol and most of the MOT/wear and tear on the car.

All 4 children have had exactly the same amount spent on each of them for every Christmas and birthday. They all get the same amount of gifts and on their birthdays they chose what they would like to do whether it be a daytrip out to a theme park or a family meal out etc. For the past 3 years we have taken them all on a 4 day holiday within the UK.

OP posts:
StarsSand · 19/01/2023 11:21

You should take your children abroad if you can afford it, leave DH at home. He can find something fun to do with his children.

It's not your job to fund everything.

DH needs to find a higher paying job.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/01/2023 11:22

Fuck me you do all that in return for a bit of driving and only some of the car expenses? He’s making a mug of you if I’m honest!

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:24

I feel like I am made to feel guilty if I suggest us taking my children out for a pizza without his. I feel I can't suggest that the 4 of us visit my family in Spain because its not fair if his children can't come (can't afford all 6 of us to go).

My children wanted to swap bedrooms a few months ago and would like their new rooms decorating in their own tastes. I just can't budget for this at the moment because all 4 children have had the exact same amounts spent on them.

OP posts:
vivainsomnia · 19/01/2023 11:24

It's always easy to consider things are fair when you or your children are losing out but in that case, there will be a 'losing' party. You have to consider what would happened if the situation turned around. What if your partner won a large sum and treated his kids with brilliant holidays and you kids were excluded.

I think there is no right or wrong position but you have to agree to the sane if roles were reversed.

Foxywood · 19/01/2023 11:24

The DLA payments I would think should be taken out of the equation.
I doubt you would be wanting a share of DLA payments if his other children were getting them. Share what is left.

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:25

Everytime he has looked for a higher paid job it means working unsociable hours or it's too far to travel etc (we live quite rurally). He always says he doesn't want to be working 12 hour shifts or through the night etc as it would mean spending less time with his family.

OP posts:
StarsSand · 19/01/2023 11:30

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:24

I feel like I am made to feel guilty if I suggest us taking my children out for a pizza without his. I feel I can't suggest that the 4 of us visit my family in Spain because its not fair if his children can't come (can't afford all 6 of us to go).

My children wanted to swap bedrooms a few months ago and would like their new rooms decorating in their own tastes. I just can't budget for this at the moment because all 4 children have had the exact same amounts spent on them.

I think you're being unfair to your own children.

Leave DH at home, take your children to Spain.

Decorate your children's rooms. Presumably your DSC have rooms at their other parents house.

Have a conversation with DH about this expectation that everything be the same, and let him know that's not appropriate or realistic. If he would like more money spent on his children then he can earn it.

He sounds like a kept man, living off your children's benefits! He should be ashamed of himself frankly.

Cuppasoupmonster · 19/01/2023 11:30

Look OP I’m basically the child in this scenario, very high earning dad, very low earning stepmum. When they met everything was pooled to be ‘fair’. I didn’t mind a bit in terms of presents because let’s face it, it would be horrible for them to sit there and open much cheaper gifts with us. Same for days out etc. But what I struggled to get my head around was the fact my dad paid their flat deposits. Because that’s where this ‘fairness’ leads - her kids did very well out of my dad, and we did much worse because of their mum. I would start putting some money aside for your own kids if you haven’t already - a good chunk of what you can afford. Then the rest goes into the communal pool. That way the day to day is ‘fair’, but it isn’t all being siphoned away for his kids. And eventually you can gift your kids a good chunk of money which has come from your own hard work, so they don’t feel a bit cheated that they’ve gone without over the years to fund their step siblings. That’s the fairest way I can think of.

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2023 11:30

So by 'your' income, you mean disability benefits from the government for your children?

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 11:31

He needs to look for another job x

Foxywood · 19/01/2023 11:34

I don't see if the other children are having a foreign holiday why you can't.

Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 11:35

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2023 11:30

So by 'your' income, you mean disability benefits from the government for your children?

Yes I was thrown by this.

Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 11:35

That and calling yourself the breadwinner when it’s mainly benefits.

StarsSand · 19/01/2023 11:35

arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2023 11:30

So by 'your' income, you mean disability benefits from the government for your children?

Pretty much. I've never seen someone call themselves a 'breadwinner' when the bulk of income is government benefits.

It's like OP has been gaslit into thinking she's mrs moneybags and it's miserly to exclude the step children.

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:36

No lol....I mean I receive child maintenance and child benefit for my children. My children both have disabilities and I receive DLA for them. I work part time as caring for my eldest child means I can't work fulltime. We also receive a top up of UC for our family.

My DH works fulltime in a low paid job and pays child maintenance to his children's mum.

We have always shared the money equally and all the children have been treated exactly the same. I just feel mine should have more because they live with us and alot of our income is for them (from their dad, DLA, child benefit, universal credit).

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 19/01/2023 11:36

@StarsSand · Today 11:14

How does having children generate income? Are you a mummy blogger or something?

Read the thread properly and it tells you

LolaSmiles · 19/01/2023 11:39

Cuppasoupmonster has put my reservations about how 'fairness' can go wrong better than I could.

Fair doesn't have to mean same, and unfortunately some men seem to think that they need to Disney dad their children with help from the bank if new partner.

Each child has two parents.
OP's step child have a mum and a dad who should be providing the bulk of everything those children need.
OP's children have OP and their dad. There should be providing the bulk of what their children need.

In this situation what makes sense is for OP and DP to decide how household bills are split, put that money in the joint pot and then what is left is for them to spend on their respective children.

It would be mean to never do family days out with all the children because DP can't afford to cover the costs of his children, or to have huge differences in birthday/Christmas presents when they open , but it isn't OP's job to financially sort his children out, just like it isn't his job to financially sort OP's children.

Original poster
mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:40

I had always worked fulltime in a higher paid job up until October 2022 when my eldest child's needs increased due to their disabilities. I have worked fulltime my entire life since leaving University. I found a local lower paid job with less hours to care for my child. When I used the term 'breadwinner' it was because I was earning the highest salary up until a few months ago. The income that goes into my bank account now is half benefits from the government and half wages because I am prioritising my child.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 19/01/2023 11:40

All the money you get for your childrens disability should absolutely be being spent on them only.

It is bonkers that this money would be split with your husbands children.

The difficulty is that you entered in to this marriage saying you would split it. Which was absurd.

Mummymidwife33 · 19/01/2023 11:42

My children get more.
I have worked incredibly hard to progress in my career and my children reap the benefit of that. Their biological father contributes a minimal amount.
My stepchildren get a proportion of what their parents earn. Their Mother's career is not as well paid as mine and they adjust their lifestyle accordingly. Obviously when with us we pay for activities for all 4 and I have subsidised that at times but it's through choice not expectation.