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Original poster

Should my children have more than DH's?

112 replies

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 10:51

If I am the breadwinner (alot of my income is generated by having my 2 children) and DH cant contribute much to the household finances due to very low income, should his 2 children from his previous relationship (who live a 3 hour drive away with their mum and stay with us alternate weekends) have the same amount of money spent on them as my children who live with us?

By this i mean for birthday gifts and celebrations, Christmas, holidays, day trips, leisure activities etc.

I feel my children are missing out on so much more that they could have had because my income is being divided by DHs children also. Is this fair?

Thoughts please

OP posts:
newtowelsplease · 19/01/2023 13:32

We have always shared the money equally and all the children have been treated exactly the same. I just feel mine should have more because they live with us and alot of our income is for them (from their dad, DLA, child benefit, universal credit

No one is disagreeing with you OP. Literally just your DH. Think about that.

BurntOutGirl · 19/01/2023 13:32

DLA should be spent for the benefit of the child it's allocated too. Therefore this should not be shared between the others.

Also beware that DWP could investigate you as the nominated person for them and ask you to justify what it's spent on

XanaduKira · 19/01/2023 13:34

StarsSand · 19/01/2023 11:18

By 'breadwinner' you mean that you receive children's DLA, child benefit and universal credit?

Those payments are for the benefit of your children, they're not your wages. They should all be spent on your children IMO. It's not appropriate to split that between other children who are either ineligible for the same supports or are receiving their own payments already.

Your wages I guess you could split, but I don't think you're morally obligated.

This!

subtoprem · 19/01/2023 13:36

How can he be working full time and only bringing in £100 a week? Even on minimum wage he would be on way more than that. Where's it going?

rogueone · 19/01/2023 13:36

Your DLA is for your children and shouldn’t be included in the ‘family’ pot. I am a bit surprised your children are going without to ensure your DH children get more. Your DH pays maintenance and can pay for his children’s Christmas presents. What’s with this ‘ joint’ pot? Your kids disability allowance is theirs . You need to focus on your children- when people unite it usually benefits both parties but it seems you and your children are losing out whilst your low paid DH and his kids are benefitting

BunchHarman · 19/01/2023 13:37

Get rid of the H. You’ll be much, much better off.

Spring23 · 19/01/2023 13:41

So the DLA is specifically for the disabilities your children have, to be spent on them - the DLA we receive goes on therapies to help them for example.

The child benefit is for your children too - the step children get their own child benefit allowance.

The child maintenance (paid by your ex?) is for the maintenance of your kids.

So the 'shared' amount would potentially be your earnings and universal credit.

You dh sounds like he is taking utter advantage of
you and your disabled children and he needs to earn more for his family - I completely agree it's not a 50/50 split of all incoming money.

Spring23 · 19/01/2023 13:42

Yes your dh is in a minority of 1 here.

Thereisnolight · 19/01/2023 13:45

I think things would have to be rearranged (with difficulty, by the sounds of it), if you had a shared child on top of your pre-existing children.
But since you don’t, why not just agree that you and your ex support your DC and your DH and his ex support his DC? This could go for some holidays too - you just take your DC somewhere and he take his. The DC wouldn’t take that personally - all they want, I’m sure, is to see their dad so they’d probably prefer to holiday just with him and get stuff from him.
Things get a lot more complicated with a joint DC. Please, for all the DC’s sakes, think very carefully before going down that road if you haven’t solved the current issues.

GreenIsle · 19/01/2023 13:51

No they should not have the same spent on them at all. Their mum is paying for them with the help of child maintenance also. You are not their mum so why should you be footing the bill for this. They do not need double spent on them for birthdays and Christmas.

You need to have a conversation with your dh about this and pull back how much you contribute. Your children should not be missing out because you are their mum and need to care for the finances and needs.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 14:01

The DLA is provided by the state (and therefore by the taxpayer) for the benefit of the children who need it. It is absolutely morally wrong for your partner to expect it to be spent on his children. You absolutely need to put your foot down on this.

Likewise if your ex partner is paying anything towards his children, that should be spent on your children and not your new partner's kids.

So basically, the DLA, any contribution from their dad, and their family allowance, should not be spent on the children that those monies are not allocated to. It's simple logic that your partner must either be a bit dim, or extremely selfish, not to recognise..
Put all those things into a separate account in your name and use them for what they're for.

SheilaFentiman · 19/01/2023 14:21

It makes no sense for your children to not have bedrooms redecorated when they are there every night and the step DCs once a fortnight.

Zilla1 · 19/01/2023 14:37

At least he isn't trying to throw his DC under a bus,

Perhaps take the opportunity of their holiday to Spain to try and agree an equivalent holiday for your DC.

Your DC's DLA and child benefit should be ring fenced.

Good luck.

saraclara · 19/01/2023 14:43

At least he isn't trying to throw his DC under a bus

No, he's throwing OP's disabled children under one.
Using their DLA to benefit his own kids is despicable, frankly.

vivainsomnia · 19/01/2023 14:44

If your DH wants all children to be treated equally, then you should be able to have a week in Spain just the 4 of you, then everyone gets a weeks holiday, if you were to take SC then they would get 2 holidays and your own 1 holiday
How will his kids feel when their dad get to have a great time, creating special memories with their dad whilst they never get to share this with their own dad. If OP wants to take her children, it should be without her husband if he can't pay for his kids.

I'm surprise too that after paying maintenance, the car and petrol, he only has £400 a month left to put into the pot.

As for DLA, many posters over time have explained that it firs towards extra petrol, electricity and gas, replacement of broken items etc....so although that money is for OPs children only, it might be fair that OP pays more towards the bills proportionally.

All this gets so complicated though. At which level of £00 do you decide it should be taken into consideration to decide on a fair split.

LolaSmiles · 19/01/2023 14:51

At least he isn't trying to throw his DC under a bus
He's trying to throw someone else's children under the bus though by using those children's DLA and maintenance from their own father to prop up his own fatherly responsibilities.

LittleOwl153 · 19/01/2023 14:54

mumof2stepmumof2 · 19/01/2023 11:36

No lol....I mean I receive child maintenance and child benefit for my children. My children both have disabilities and I receive DLA for them. I work part time as caring for my eldest child means I can't work fulltime. We also receive a top up of UC for our family.

My DH works fulltime in a low paid job and pays child maintenance to his children's mum.

We have always shared the money equally and all the children have been treated exactly the same. I just feel mine should have more because they live with us and alot of our income is for them (from their dad, DLA, child benefit, universal credit).

I'd be fascinated to hear what your DCs dad felt about his maintenance money and his kids DLA money being shared with other kids...

In my view (as a DLA claiming parent)... you need to take out the DLA, and the addition you get to UC because if the DLA and keep that separate for your disabled children's needs.

As your DH is putting so little on the table I would also keep out your child's fathers maintenance payments.

OK... this has annoyed me enough - I'm going to do some calculations...

lunar1 · 19/01/2023 15:02

Take your children to visit your family without him, he can spend the time with his own DC.

If the full DLA isn't needed now it should be put to one side for the future, because it absolutely will be needed at some point, it costs more in this world to be disabled, that's what the money is for.

Does your children's other parent know their money is being shared with someone else's children?

saraclara · 19/01/2023 15:08

The more I think about this, the more infuriated I am by this man's entitled attitude.

Out of interest, whose house do you live in?

SocialLite · 19/01/2023 16:28

I am a step-mum. My children live here full-time, and my SC's 50%. During the 50% that the SC's are not here, they're (hopefully!) being treated normally by their DM. Having treats, doing activities, going on holidays etc. My children are just as entitled to those things even when the SC are not here.

My children also get more clothes, as they need them all the time, not just half. They get things replaced more often as they get more wear and tear etc.

However, we do spend the same on gifts etc.

We are aware that we spend less on the SC of course, but at the same time, they get twice the holidays, day trips, birthday meals- even things like advent calendars because they have one at each house whereas mine only have one.

It's about balancing it the best you can- and remembering that being treated fairly is not the same as being treated equally.

An example of that amongst my own DC, as disability is relevant to your case, one of my DC has private tutoring, much more expensive shoes, is having driving lessons pre-17 etc- this is all because they have a disability that means they need these things, and it still doesn't bring them equal to the other children. Hoever, I'm not going to spend the same amount on the same things for any of the others because they don't need it, it would be a luxury to them instead.

snowlolo · 19/01/2023 16:45

@BraveGoldie I understand what you are saying about second marriages but I feel in that situation what's the point of getting married?

What you describe is, to me, not really what marriage means... it is just a relationship/ partnership where two parties are separate, which is completely valid, but just not what I think marriage is.

It's each to their own though, hence I am saying 'I think', 'what it means to me' etc.

tootiredtospeak · 19/01/2023 16:52

I think it's a bit much to say you are the breadwinner. In fact its absolute bollocks. I would be fuming if you said that about me. No I don't think your childrens DLA should go into the pot that should be seperate. His wages your wages and UC should though. Jesus you made it sound like you were on 120 grand whilst he fucked about doing nothing.

parlourb · 19/01/2023 17:17

tootiredtospeak · 19/01/2023 16:52

I think it's a bit much to say you are the breadwinner. In fact its absolute bollocks. I would be fuming if you said that about me. No I don't think your childrens DLA should go into the pot that should be seperate. His wages your wages and UC should though. Jesus you made it sound like you were on 120 grand whilst he fucked about doing nothing.

This! Your kids dla should absolutely just be for them but how are you the bread winner if you work part time and him full? The uc is a joint claim so is not part of "your earnings".
I agree with you that your step kids do not need to have the same money spent to be treated fairly but the way you've described your situation reads a bit odd.

Winterpetal · 19/01/2023 17:22

Your DLA is not part of the family pot to spend on his children

occa · 19/01/2023 17:29

Spring23 · 19/01/2023 13:41

So the DLA is specifically for the disabilities your children have, to be spent on them - the DLA we receive goes on therapies to help them for example.

The child benefit is for your children too - the step children get their own child benefit allowance.

The child maintenance (paid by your ex?) is for the maintenance of your kids.

So the 'shared' amount would potentially be your earnings and universal credit.

You dh sounds like he is taking utter advantage of
you and your disabled children and he needs to earn more for his family - I completely agree it's not a 50/50 split of all incoming money.

This is correct. The child benefit, DLA, and maintenance money aren't for you or your DH and definitely not for his DC. They are for your DC and need to be kept separate. I'd be furious if I was your DC's dad and found out this was happening.

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