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Original poster

Coming clean to my husband about debts

65 replies

Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 20:58

I really need some advice.

I’ve got some credit card debt that my hubby doesn’t know about, in fact he helped me to pay these credit cards off and expected me to close the accounts, however I didn’t do that and when an emergency cropped up instead of going to him I used the cards. I feel really ashamed and regretful, and I want to come clean to him but honestly I’m terrified he’s going to leave me. The money I borrowed from him I am actually paying off to him every month, but obviously I’m also paying off the credit cards again. I have a feeling he might know already, but he’s not said anything.

We are also looking at buying a larger home (not our first home), and with all the finance checks it’s probably going to come out anyway, and short of asking the broker to not mention the credit cards I’m just terrified and anxious of my husband finding out. I’m not in danger or anything, he won’t hurt me, I’m just scared he’ll leave because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time.
If I do tell him, I’m not expecting anything from him, I’m on top of the payments and paying extra where I can and as soon as the cards are cleared I will never open another account again, I just don’t know what to do.

Should I come clean or ask the broker to keep the credit cards to himself?

My credit rating isn’t the best and my husband knows about everything else, so if I was rejected as part of a joint mortgage then it can be easily blamed on my other finances, in which case my husband can go for a single application and I would apply to be added onto the mortgage at a later date, or we can wait until my credit is better, by which time I will have cleared my credit cards.

Please help!

OP posts:
Ivyblu · 06/12/2022 21:01

What did you buy OP the 2nd time? Don't take on a bigger house.

strawberry2017 · 06/12/2022 21:02

You need to be 100% honest with him and then cut up the cards.

Hoppinggreen · 06/12/2022 21:06

I have been there OP, big time.
I know how sick you must feel and while you have behaved badly (as did I) I have some sympathy.
It is very tempting to see how long you can get away with not telling your H for but believe me it’s no way to live and if he finds out from someone else it will be even worse.
You are going to just have to do it, it will be horrendous and hopefully you will be able to work through it but I promise once you have your life will be so much better - you won’t be terrified of the post or the phone and constantly living on your nerves.
A lot of people will tell your your H should leave you and never trust you again and there may be truth in that but he won’t necessarily do that and it doesn’t have to mean the end.
Good Luck x

PritiPatelsMaker · 06/12/2022 21:07

What was the emergency that you had to pay for?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 06/12/2022 21:09

Why didn’t you feel you could go to him when things needed paying for?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/12/2022 21:09

You’ve got to tell him!

Spenn · 06/12/2022 21:11

Why would you need to pay your husband? You should have joint and equal access to funds. Do you have the same spending money? What was the emergency?

posaty · 06/12/2022 21:17

You need to be honest, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a partner who lies to me however he may be willing to help you again. The least you owe him is honesty.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:19

We have a joint account for bills and singular accounts for spending money, this was my personal choice as he earns much more than I do and I also have a small business so need to keep all the income and outgoings separate. The emergency was for the small business, I don’t want to disclose too much as I don’t want any friends or colleagues that use this forum to recognise me. Basically, I felt like I couldn’t go to him as I’ve borrowed money from him before and was ashamed to have to ask again, I thought I could just use the card and he wouldn’t have to know, plus it was a spur of the moment thing, he knew about the emergency but thought the insurance paid it, (they didn’t but that’s a whole other story). I feel he would understand my use of the cards but now that it’s been so long he’d feel betrayed and lied to and I wouldn’t expect him not to.

OP posts:
Tallisimo · 06/12/2022 21:20

You need to talk to him and tell him the truth. You would want to know if it was the other way round.

PritiPatelsMaker · 06/12/2022 21:24

So he knows that he has a lot more income than you and you don't have any savings and he's still making you pay it back?

posaty · 06/12/2022 21:25

Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:19

We have a joint account for bills and singular accounts for spending money, this was my personal choice as he earns much more than I do and I also have a small business so need to keep all the income and outgoings separate. The emergency was for the small business, I don’t want to disclose too much as I don’t want any friends or colleagues that use this forum to recognise me. Basically, I felt like I couldn’t go to him as I’ve borrowed money from him before and was ashamed to have to ask again, I thought I could just use the card and he wouldn’t have to know, plus it was a spur of the moment thing, he knew about the emergency but thought the insurance paid it, (they didn’t but that’s a whole other story). I feel he would understand my use of the cards but now that it’s been so long he’d feel betrayed and lied to and I wouldn’t expect him not to.

It's concerning you say cards OP, is the amount so large for this emergency that you needed to spread it across several credit cards?

ApocalypseNowt · 06/12/2022 21:28

How much do you owe on the cards and are you managing to keep up with payments? If so how long will it take to pay them off?

If you do tell your DH (which I think you probably should unless you can clear is soon), it'd be better if you go with a plan of how you're dealing with it.

Also, cut up the cards if you haven't already!

SavingKitten · 06/12/2022 21:29

You should have just told him you were going to use the credit card at the time, he might have offered to pay, he might not, but atleast he would no then. I think you owe him the truth.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:30

Yes, but this is fine with me, I’m happy to pay it back because I don’t want to use him as a piggy bank for when I make terrible decisions, and I don’t want him to feel that way either. But he has admitted that the money pretty much goes into a pot for us to use. It’s better this way, my spending habits really aren’t great and honestly I’m on the verge of just giving him my card so I stop spending. All our bills get paid and I don’t miss any payments or anything, but I can never save money. He’s not financially abusive, I trust him with everything, and I’ve been honest about absolutely everything else which is why this is so difficult, if I could go back I would have just spoken to him straight away, but I’ve been in this situation for about a year now. I’d probably still be hiding it if we weren’t in the process of a mortgage application.

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:31

PritiPatelsMaker · 06/12/2022 21:24

So he knows that he has a lot more income than you and you don't have any savings and he's still making you pay it back?

Yeah there is always someone who makes it his fault as she’s got a vagina so any misspending is understandable and he’s got a penis so should pay for her.

aye. There is always one.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:32

PritiPatelsMaker · 06/12/2022 21:24

So he knows that he has a lot more income than you and you don't have any savings and he's still making you pay it back?

Yes, but this is fine with me, I’m happy to pay it back because I don’t want to use him as a piggy bank for when I make terrible decisions, and I don’t want him to feel that way either. But he has admitted that the money pretty much goes into a pot for us to use. It’s better this way, my spending habits really aren’t great and honestly I’m on the verge of just giving him my card so I stop spending. All our bills get paid and I don’t miss any payments or anything, but I can never save money. He’s not financially abusive, I trust him with everything, and I’ve been honest about absolutely everything else which is why this is so difficult, if I could go back I would have just spoken to him straight away, but I’ve been in this situation for about a year now. I’d probably still be hiding it if we weren’t in the process of a mortgage application.

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:33

Op how much is the debt.?

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:34

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:33

Op how much is the debt.?

Roughly 3k.

OP posts:
Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:35

And how much do you earn?

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:35

ApocalypseNowt · 06/12/2022 21:28

How much do you owe on the cards and are you managing to keep up with payments? If so how long will it take to pay them off?

If you do tell your DH (which I think you probably should unless you can clear is soon), it'd be better if you go with a plan of how you're dealing with it.

Also, cut up the cards if you haven't already!

It’ll probably take me about a year to clear if I don’t pay any extra on top, and when I say extra I mean like £200 or £300 here and there.

OP posts:
IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 06/12/2022 21:36

Tell him!!!

Piffle11 · 06/12/2022 21:36

Tell him.

The broker won't want to 'keep it to himself' - and I doubt he'd be able to!

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 21:36

So they credit card debt is linked to your business, not anything family / household related?

It sounds firstly as if your business model is rubbish, as your business accounts & personal accounts should be entirely separate.

What kind of a business is it? Is it properly set up, or just a hobby / sideline type of activity that you do to earn a little money.

The following seems clear:

  • your arrangement regarding finances in your marriage is poor (of course you organise money fairly, why would you worry about him being a higher earner?)

-,your business sounds unsustainable

  • your relationship is in trouble due to your lack of honesty.

I was married to someone who was financially abusive. I'm not saying that's true here (you might just be shit with money, which isn't the same). Dishonesty around money is utterly corrosive & destructive in a marriage tho.

You need to work out your debt, and what you are going to do. You need to be honest with your H, and also about how you manage your money jointly. Then you pause on buying a house and figure out what you are going to do with your marriage.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:37

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:35

And how much do you earn?

26k per year from my full time job, and about £300 profit per month from my small business, which is growing.

OP posts: