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Original poster

Coming clean to my husband about debts

65 replies

Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 20:58

I really need some advice.

I’ve got some credit card debt that my hubby doesn’t know about, in fact he helped me to pay these credit cards off and expected me to close the accounts, however I didn’t do that and when an emergency cropped up instead of going to him I used the cards. I feel really ashamed and regretful, and I want to come clean to him but honestly I’m terrified he’s going to leave me. The money I borrowed from him I am actually paying off to him every month, but obviously I’m also paying off the credit cards again. I have a feeling he might know already, but he’s not said anything.

We are also looking at buying a larger home (not our first home), and with all the finance checks it’s probably going to come out anyway, and short of asking the broker to not mention the credit cards I’m just terrified and anxious of my husband finding out. I’m not in danger or anything, he won’t hurt me, I’m just scared he’ll leave because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time.
If I do tell him, I’m not expecting anything from him, I’m on top of the payments and paying extra where I can and as soon as the cards are cleared I will never open another account again, I just don’t know what to do.

Should I come clean or ask the broker to keep the credit cards to himself?

My credit rating isn’t the best and my husband knows about everything else, so if I was rejected as part of a joint mortgage then it can be easily blamed on my other finances, in which case my husband can go for a single application and I would apply to be added onto the mortgage at a later date, or we can wait until my credit is better, by which time I will have cleared my credit cards.

Please help!

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 21:39

about £300 profit per month from my small business, which is growing.

Which you are using to pay off the £3k debt?

Your small business sounds a mess.

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:39

Ok. Three thousand pounds isn’t huge debt but it’s not small either when a low earner, is it all just the emergency?

for me the bigger issue is the dishonesty

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 06/12/2022 21:44

Hang on.

You didn't feel you could go to him
You're paying back money you borrowed from him
He earns more than you

Sorry but I don't think the debt is the biggest issue. It's the fact he's earning a shed load and not sharing.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:44

Fragrantandfoolish · 06/12/2022 21:39

Ok. Three thousand pounds isn’t huge debt but it’s not small either when a low earner, is it all just the emergency?

for me the bigger issue is the dishonesty

Yes it’s all from the emergency, I have two cards that have 2.5k each on them, so I went into both to pay the 3k off it cost me.

I know, and that’s what my husband will see it more as also, and that’s mainly why I’m terrified, as 3k isn’t a lot in the grand scheme of things but he will just see it as a total breach of trust.

OP posts:
Piffle11 · 06/12/2022 21:46

OP, you say you needed to use the credit card for an emergency, but then later say

I don’t want to use him as a piggy bank for when I make terrible decisions

What terrible financial decisions are you making?

I was in a similar position to you a couple of years ago – much more debt though. Whatever happens, you need to stop using that credit card. If there is an emergency, tell your DH.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:47

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 21:39

about £300 profit per month from my small business, which is growing.

Which you are using to pay off the £3k debt?

Your small business sounds a mess.

I use money from my full time income to pay the cards and extra from my business where I can to pay them off quicker.

I’ve not long opened the business but it’s what I’d like to do full time eventually. I’m well aware it needs work, but I have a secure full time job right now whilst I figure out the business side of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:50

Piffle11 · 06/12/2022 21:46

OP, you say you needed to use the credit card for an emergency, but then later say

I don’t want to use him as a piggy bank for when I make terrible decisions

What terrible financial decisions are you making?

I was in a similar position to you a couple of years ago – much more debt though. Whatever happens, you need to stop using that credit card. If there is an emergency, tell your DH.

Well I see this as a terrible financial decision when I could have had the option to go to him, or a family member or anyone else, but I don’t deal well with confrontation and judgement, I have ADHD and can be impulsive and react badly to criticism. It was untreated at the time so I am better now with my decision making.

OP posts:
Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 21:52

Very strange how you say your husband is fab etc yet your business required some financial input and you lied to him stating you got an insurance payout?

where does he think this payout went to purchase whatever it was you needed? Which account?

I suggest you come clean asap as the mortgage broker will not be able to lie by omission for you and also they run through everything with both parties - they do a cost analysis re outgoings etc

also if your credit score is ruined a reputable lender is unlikely to touch you

come clean, and definitely think about why you lied re the insurance - was it because you didn’t even take it out? Didn’t read the small print? Or were afraid of judgement from your husband?

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:56

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 06/12/2022 21:44

Hang on.

You didn't feel you could go to him
You're paying back money you borrowed from him
He earns more than you

Sorry but I don't think the debt is the biggest issue. It's the fact he's earning a shed load and not sharing.

He does share, he pays more towards the house and bills, will pay more for us to go out and on holiday etc. I do more at home and looking after our daughter but it works for us. I’m not expecting him to clean up my mistakes and let me get away with it, I don’t want to get into a habit of spending more money than I have and thinking it’ll be okay because he can sort it. Obviously if I spend on things for the house or our daughter that’s different but anything on me is my responsibility in my eyes, and the same with him.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 21:56

Ugh. The level of dishonesty you're displaying is awful

If you are using your salary, which is low, to pay off this debt, then you don't have the level of disposable income your DH thinks you have. How are you therefore managing to meet your outgoings? joint or individual?

This idea that because your fledging business ran into trouble you should borrow from DH / family member is daft. If you are running a business, even early stage, you need to have a proper business plan.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 21:59

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 21:56

Ugh. The level of dishonesty you're displaying is awful

If you are using your salary, which is low, to pay off this debt, then you don't have the level of disposable income your DH thinks you have. How are you therefore managing to meet your outgoings? joint or individual?

This idea that because your fledging business ran into trouble you should borrow from DH / family member is daft. If you are running a business, even early stage, you need to have a proper business plan.

Yes thank you for telling me how awful I am, as if I’m not torturing myself enough.

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 22:03

Yes thank you for telling me how awful I am, as if I’m not torturing myself enough.

🙄

Oh enough of the self pity. That's not all I'm doing is it? I'm also asking pertinent questions and suggesting where the real challenges lie.

Your posts sound like you are defending yourself & making a case for your poor behaviour.

I think it sounds like your financial communication - both you & DH - is poor so it's not just your fault in some respects.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:03

Quitelikeit · 06/12/2022 21:52

Very strange how you say your husband is fab etc yet your business required some financial input and you lied to him stating you got an insurance payout?

where does he think this payout went to purchase whatever it was you needed? Which account?

I suggest you come clean asap as the mortgage broker will not be able to lie by omission for you and also they run through everything with both parties - they do a cost analysis re outgoings etc

also if your credit score is ruined a reputable lender is unlikely to touch you

come clean, and definitely think about why you lied re the insurance - was it because you didn’t even take it out? Didn’t read the small print? Or were afraid of judgement from your husband?

Basically the insurance wouldn’t cover it, I thought it did so yes basically it was my own fault and I felt stupid and just tried to cover it up. He assumed it just went into my/business account.

I will come clean and just have to face the consequences.

OP posts:
Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:05

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 22:03

Yes thank you for telling me how awful I am, as if I’m not torturing myself enough.

🙄

Oh enough of the self pity. That's not all I'm doing is it? I'm also asking pertinent questions and suggesting where the real challenges lie.

Your posts sound like you are defending yourself & making a case for your poor behaviour.

I think it sounds like your financial communication - both you & DH - is poor so it's not just your fault in some respects.

I’m sorry if I’ve seemed to be defending myself, I’m just answering questions that others are asking, but I’m completely aware of what I’ve done and how bad it is. Perhaps I was looking for some reassurance that he might not leave me but I know I have to tell him the truth and face the consequences.

OP posts:
lndnbrdge91 · 06/12/2022 22:08

You must tell him if a mortgage on a new home could be affected by this.

It's the lying that is the worst thing. My DH debts which were attracting interest at around £50 a month. I paid them off a couple of years ago, earlier this year I found out he had started to accumulate more debt. Thankfully it was a far smaller amount; under £100

Meanwhile he was still going about his usual routine and spending, I'd have much preferred he'd told me and I'd have helped him budget better or we didn't do things and prioritise paying off the money.

You need to be honest with him as from being the one on the other side of it, of course the money matters, but it's the dishonesty which is hard.

Sirius3030 · 06/12/2022 22:12

Spenn · 06/12/2022 21:11

Why would you need to pay your husband? You should have joint and equal access to funds. Do you have the same spending money? What was the emergency?

Yes, it’s definitely his fault. Don’t really need to read the OP to know that.

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:13

lndnbrdge91 · 06/12/2022 22:08

You must tell him if a mortgage on a new home could be affected by this.

It's the lying that is the worst thing. My DH debts which were attracting interest at around £50 a month. I paid them off a couple of years ago, earlier this year I found out he had started to accumulate more debt. Thankfully it was a far smaller amount; under £100

Meanwhile he was still going about his usual routine and spending, I'd have much preferred he'd told me and I'd have helped him budget better or we didn't do things and prioritise paying off the money.

You need to be honest with him as from being the one on the other side of it, of course the money matters, but it's the dishonesty which is hard.

Thank you, I will tell him. He’s not at home right now so I will have to wait until he’s back and possibly just wait until tomorrow.

In the meantime I have actually spoken to an independent broker and she advised that my credit rating isn’t actually that bad, there’s a few things that may mean we aren’t eligible for some lenders but otherwise we should be fine anyway. I don’t think I would be rejected for a mortgage but obviously it would just effect how much we can borrow up to. But right now it’s definitely more important to tell the truth and then think about the house second.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 06/12/2022 22:13

Would you be better off to to stick to your secure job and leave the business as it sounds like it will lead you into all sorts of financial difficulties. The cards are part of your business accounts so not really to do with your dh but running a business at a loss could really screw you up.
My dh had his own business and any loans he had there were personal to him. But if he had run into financial difficulties it would inevitably have affected me.
As part of ADHD is striving for a dopamine rush you may be better off avoiding business as you would be so tempted to be impulsive around spending and it may not be a good mmatch.l have some experience of this in my family .

Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:15

Sirius3030 · 06/12/2022 22:12

Yes, it’s definitely his fault. Don’t really need to read the OP to know that.

Show quote history

What do you mean it’s his fault?

OP posts:
EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 22:16

I’m completely aware of what I’ve done and how bad it is.

It's not about it being bad.

It all doesn't make sense - you're only on £26k; you make a tiny profit on your business, which you describe as growing; most of your profit is going to clearing debt (so how can you build up your business?) and you have a badly thought-out arrangement with your DH regarding household finance.

You need to make a plan for both your business & joint finahvrsc

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 22:16
  • finances
Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:18

junebirthdaygirl · 06/12/2022 22:13

Would you be better off to to stick to your secure job and leave the business as it sounds like it will lead you into all sorts of financial difficulties. The cards are part of your business accounts so not really to do with your dh but running a business at a loss could really screw you up.
My dh had his own business and any loans he had there were personal to him. But if he had run into financial difficulties it would inevitably have affected me.
As part of ADHD is striving for a dopamine rush you may be better off avoiding business as you would be so tempted to be impulsive around spending and it may not be a good mmatch.l have some experience of this in my family .

Potentially, but this was a one off incident and I’ve now got better insurance to cover it, unfortunately it was quite a fine line thing to cover and otherwise there’s been no other issues with the business, this was early stages unfortunately but it’s been going for about a year now with no other issues. I am medicated now also so that definitely limits the striving for a dopamine rush, thank god!

Sorry can I just ask what DH is? I’m new to this forum so not sure of the lingo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:22

EarringsandLipstick · 06/12/2022 22:16

I’m completely aware of what I’ve done and how bad it is.

It's not about it being bad.

It all doesn't make sense - you're only on £26k; you make a tiny profit on your business, which you describe as growing; most of your profit is going to clearing debt (so how can you build up your business?) and you have a badly thought-out arrangement with your DH regarding household finance.

You need to make a plan for both your business & joint finahvrsc

Is it growing, I’m taking on more clients, it’s only small as I can only do it part time due to my other job. If I were to do it full time I’d probably earn as much as I’m on now if not more, but I can’t take the plunge yet. Once the debt is cleared I’ll be fine.

So what should the arrangement be with household finance? We have a joint account for bills and mortgage and kids, and separate for spending money for ourselves, is this not normal?

OP posts:
caringcarer · 06/12/2022 22:30

Tell him before broker does. Don't get bigger house until you can manage your money better.

MichelleScarn · 06/12/2022 22:35

Michelle2909 · 06/12/2022 22:15

What do you mean it’s his fault?

Show quote history

For several posters all they have to know is the other person's male and no matter what its their fault....
E.g "my husband work 60 hrs a week in a demanding job, I want to be an insta star so I've never really worked, he's pissed off as I spent the £40k he's saved for a mortgage deposit on beauty and shoes for the 'gram, who is BU?"
Many posters "oh my god LTB he is financially abusing you... you should be able to buy what you want."