Coming clean to my husband about debts

[Michelle2909]

I really need some advice.

I’ve got some credit card debt that my hubby doesn’t know about, in fact he helped me to pay these credit cards off and expected me to close the accounts, however I didn’t do that and when an emergency cropped up instead of going to him I used the cards. I feel really ashamed and regretful, and I want to come clean to him but honestly I’m terrified he’s going to leave me. The money I borrowed from him I am actually paying off to him every month, but obviously I’m also paying off the credit cards again. I have a feeling he might know already, but he’s not said anything.

We are also looking at buying a larger home (not our first home), and with all the finance checks it’s probably going to come out anyway, and short of asking the broker to not mention the credit cards I’m just terrified and anxious of my husband finding out. I’m not in danger or anything, he won’t hurt me, I’m just scared he’ll leave because I didn’t learn my lesson the first time.
If I do tell him, I’m not expecting anything from him, I’m on top of the payments and paying extra where I can and as soon as the cards are cleared I will never open another account again, I just don’t know what to do.

Should I come clean or ask the broker to keep the credit cards to himself?

My credit rating isn’t the best and my husband knows about everything else, so if I was rejected as part of a joint mortgage then it can be easily blamed on my other finances, in which case my husband can go for a single application and I would apply to be added onto the mortgage at a later date, or we can wait until my credit is better, by which time I will have cleared my credit cards.

Please help!

It's only 3k debt, try to find out if you can get a zero balance transfer card, and then work on paying just the capital. Tell your husband you have changed your mind about the mortgage, and want to stay where you are. Revisit the idea of a mortgage once your debt is paid off. Continue to repay your husband, its great he is just banking that money so you guys can use it sensibly in the future if you need to. Agree with pp, you would be better off with a decent regular income, so look for a second job.

If I say I change my mind he’ll definitely know something is up, but thank you. I’m just going to tell the truth and hope he stays with me, and never be stupid again.

Ah I know what you mean. Yes I’m 100% not blaming him at all, it’s 100% my fault and he was nothing but great to even support me the first time around. I’ve been in a financially abusive relationship and this is definitely not it!

Dh is darling husband/ dear husband

LOL, it is like that on here sometimes.

But it's hard to tell from what the OP's posted so far whether it's a case of her overspending/making bad decisions, or unfair distribution of shared money meaning that she's short of money compared to him and unable to access money for what should be shared costs.

But in any case OP, if you're looking to apply for a mortgage, they'll do a credit check on both of you, so it's likely impossible to hide your current debt, so you need to come clean with him.

Also, could it be that you're taking too much on? Working, running the house and trying to grow a business, that's a lot, so do you really have the time and energy for all this, especially as some of your financial problems seem to have stemmed from not investigating/thinking things through properly (the issue with the insurance and you then trying to cover it up).

On the matter of sharing money, a joint account for bills and then (equal) shared personal money is probably the fairest way, so no issue there. Then if you overspend your own personal money, and you borrow from joint money, you should expect to have to pay it back, or your DH could take extra money for himself to make it fair, if it is available.

Thank you I appreciate this advice. I don’t know why everyone seems to be judging me for how our marriage and shared finances work, it’s not like there’s a guidebook on marriage, everyone is different and everybody’s thoughts around shared finances are different. It’s for the situation I’m in now that I’m glad some of our finances are separate, because I don’t want him to have to clean up my mistake. I have told him now, he was obviously upset and disappointed but said he’s not going to leave me. He had to go to work so we’ll talk about it more later, but he didn’t blow up on me or anything, which perhaps is worse, I can tell he’s really deeply hurt and I just feel awful. He said he doesn’t care about the money, it’s the lying and hiding it that’s the issue.

Hello op, I have been in a similar circumstance to your husband. I was looking to buy a first house with my DH, I could sense he was behaving oddly, going hot and cold about the house idea, putting off any action toward mortgage application, showing interest in a house and then suddenly shutting down about it etc.
of course i thought it was me - he didn’t love me, was going off the idea of such a big commitment with me, etc etc which felt awful.

eventually I confronted him about it and he confessed that he had hidden debt and that he was scared it would come out through the mortgage process. He’d buried his head in the sand and not told me as he was scared I would leave him.

unfortunately I can’t reassure you with a happy ending, I did leave him, but his debt was over £30k from gambling, he’d secretly used family savings to pay loan sharks and his behaviour both before and after it all came out was not acceptable.

but! Even with all that of course I wanted to understand and save my marriage, I loved him and could see he’d made a mistake.

my advice to you would be:

• confess to your husband and be totally honest about the total amount and where the debt lies (credit cards, payday loans etc) rounding it down or hiding bits of it will only make things worse in the long run
• if you are truly sorry, show him that. Don’t get defensive, be an open book and listen to his suggestions for how you can move forward together to clear the debt and forget it
• be ready to share evidence that you have been working to repay it and you have a plan to complete the repayments
• a £3k debt on a business that makes £3600 a year seems an unsustainable and unsuccessful business - you are actually only earning £50 a month. If that’s because it’s a slow start that will grow and he’s on board with that that’s ok, but if he has any doubt that the business is worth the time, money and stress that is going into it you may need to be ready to consider shelving it for a while to put your marriage first, show your commitment to your future together, and go back to it with a better financial plan once the debt has cleared

good luck op. As someone on your husbands side I do believe this mistake can be resolved and forgotten in time, but it truly depends on how honestly and sensitively you deal with it and him now

Yeah, best to come clean. We met with a mortgage broker a few weeks ago and she asked us both what credit cards we had and what the balance was during the meeting. The lenders can see what credit cards you have when they run their checks so you have to be honest with the broker.

Oh whoops, just saw that you'd already come clean! He's upset now but use it as a learning point about being more open about finances in the future. He knows exactly where your finances are now so if something comes up in the future mention it at the time. It would be so much worse if you avoid telling him again and then it snowballs into serious debt.

I forgot to mention that our mortgage broker also asked DH (who was the one who called her) to send copies of our most recent payslips and 3 months of bank statements before our meeting. It would have been strange if I'd been cagey about letting him see my bank statements.

It sounds like you need someone who is good with finance advising you on how to handle your business finances.

It sounds very messy at the moment. You have paid a business bill with personal money but now you are paying that off with personal money not the business money. How are you managing all of this with your tax returns etc?

If you are not good with money it is vital you have help with this especially if you are a sole trader with a lot of personal liability

@Michelle2909
I am a small business mentor and I would be happy to give you some free advice if it would help

Thank you everyone, I have told him now, we had a short conversation this morning but will obviously talk more later after work. He was obviously upset, I can get defensive during arguments but I knew there was no defending my actions and my lying to him, so I asked him to let me finish speaking so I could get everything out about why I hid it and didn’t come to him in the first place, and how regretful and sorry I was, and my plans for paying it off etc. he was very quiet and obviously hurt, I was expecting him to blow up a little bit but he didn’t, and I think that feels worse to me, he said that the lying hurts more than the money which I completely get.
He did say he wasn’t going to leave me and I feel better that I’ve told him, he deserved the truth.
I have wanted to tell him for a long time but I just never knew the right time to bring it up, and obviously with plans for a house I couldn’t hide it any longer. We are still going to meet with the mortgage adviser, as I have spoken to someone independently who advised that even with the credit card debt we could still get a good deal, as I’m paying them off on time anyway, and I showed her a full report of my credit history so she’s seen everything.

Just to clarify, I understand I haven’t just gotten away with this, we are still going to need to work through things, and we already have a mortgage together so not going into a mortgage together blindly.

If it’s only going to be a year I’d not tell him. Maybe the only one to say that, but it’s manageable to pay off, don’t miss any payments.

Sorry just saw your update. Glad he took it well.

Yes, you should have told him before, particularly as you knew that a mortgage application was coming up. You both need to be open and honest with each other, but you have now got the hard part over (telling him), and also did you say that you consulted a financial adviser who said your credit rating is OK, so that's good. So well done on that.

£3,000 is not that much in the scheme of things, although obviously not great to be in debt, and it's a lot in relation to what your business makes. I'd be more concerned about why you were so frightened to tell your DH and thought that he might leave you over £3,000! It's not like you spent it on shoes even!
Isn't it good that you have a business that is growing? This could benefit you both in the future.
Why don't you sit down, have a big talk, and agree to both share finances and be totally honest with each other from now on?