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Original poster

Should a high-earner (100k+) pay for the extra incurred childcare costs?

55 replies

gomottomo · 20/10/2022 12:41

I am divorced with one DC(3)
I've been talking to my ex husband about possibly trying again but after discussing money etc I've started to feel like maybe I will just end up getting used and would like some opinions. It could just be that I am being unreasonable in which case please put me right also.

My ex has been unemployed for a while so I have not been receiving any child maintenance from him and paying nursery fees, etc by myself. He has received a job offer for over £100k. I own a house (my name only) with a mortgage which I am paying.
I earn around £50k which means I can use the 30hrs free childcare, tax-free childcare and receive child benefit.
We've talked about living together again (he is abroad atm) in which case he would also bring his other child from prev relationship(16). This would be moving into the house that I own.

I agreed I would continue paying the mortgage as the house is effectively my asset and I do not plan on adding his name to it. But want to split bills 50/50 which he said was fair enough.
However I am aware if we got back together I would lose tax-free childcare, child benefit, and 30hrs would be reduced to 15.
In my mind I think he should pay the extra childcare costs that I would effectively lose by getting back with him. Because my salary has not changed and as he will earn double the amount of me he will have capacity to pay it.
He suggested we split these extra childcare costs 50/50.
I am stunned that he even suggested that to be honest and am now thinking whether he just wants to take me for a ride or our thinking is just too fundamentally different for it to work.
Considering he has not paid me anything or helped look after our child for a decent amount of time (he has been unemployed but he has decent savings and it was his choice to leave the country), it doesn't seem like he is grateful to me at all for holding all the responsibility.
I agreed to bills 50/50 even though his teenage son will also be living with us. because even though he is not my child, I should treat the children equally. I am on good terms with his mother but she will not be providing payments.

And for reference in the past when we rented together I was working full time, paying less than 50% but also doing 100% of housework/looking after our child.
One of the reasons we split was because I was absolutely exhausted from doing basically everything and he also said he was "losing out financially" by being with me. He has agreed to share household responsibilities 50/50 as well but I'm fearful he underestimates what 50% of that will be like.

OP posts:
Azandme · 20/10/2022 12:43

My initial reaction is it's a household bill, so falls in the 50/50 agreement you asked for.

Abei · 20/10/2022 12:46

Yes he should if he's earning so much more and you're going to be worse off as a result of him living there.

mrsg2019 · 20/10/2022 12:48

'He was losing out financially by being with me'

I'm sorry but there's not much coming back from that. There are men out there who would treat you much better than this. My husband is much better off than I have ever been and we just pool our finances and discuss big purchases. If he said the statement above to me, I'd have left. When you are together, you are a part of a team. That's what a family is. This man sounds selfish and disrespectful. Im sorry if this is blunt - this is just based on one anonymous post, not the whole relationship.

TangoWhiskyAlphaTango · 20/10/2022 12:48

I think you would feel like a mug again in no time if you got back with him. So he has 100k a month and you have half that plus you will put a roof over his and his sons head and still have to pay 50% of nursery fees for your joint child? Nah, if he loved you that much he would offer to pay the full amount on those wages.

BlueRibbonPen · 20/10/2022 12:50

Of course he should!

So he’s living rent free and only paying half of bills?

I’m sure there’s plenty of detail you’ve left out but I don’t understand the appeal of this arrangement.

Devilledmeg · 20/10/2022 12:52

He should just contribute the extra over £100k into his pension and you'll qualify. Indeed he already may contribute enough for this not to be a problem

ineedakickupthe · 20/10/2022 12:52

Is there any middle ground to trying again? He's been living abroad - have you been visiting each other? Does trying again mean him coming back and straight to live with you? Could he live elsewhere and you see how it goes that way first? Don't forget the reasons you split up. He's not likely to have changed and you will be doing it all and losing out financially.

Meltingsocks · 20/10/2022 12:55

Why exactly do you want this waster who doesn't want to pay for his own kids back?

There are much better men out there OP

NotLactoseFree · 20/10/2022 12:55

As a rule of thumb, moving in with someone should not make you financially worse off. This is true x100 when you are the one who is earning less.

He's not contributing to the mortgage because it's "your" house. Okay, fine. But if you didn't live together, he' have to pay rent. Why is that not even a feature here?

I'd say, he needs to pay the childcare difference AND at least some rent. You don't have to charge him some crazy market-related amount, but I'd think something that reflects that otherwise he'd have to rent a 2 bedroom place somewhere for him and his son is perfectly reasonable. If he's not wiling to do that then it's very very obvious he just sees you as a way for him to save all that lovely high salary he's earning and you should not consider getting back together with him under any conditions.

I'd also consider adding the cost of a cleaner to your financial arrangements. Because you now have two additional people which will generate extra mess etc and it's pretty clear he's not going to be doing the cleaning.

Isaidnoalready · 20/10/2022 12:55

Yeah no he is looking for a cheap roof over his head I wouldn't bother offering my home up to him feel free to try again but he has his house you have yours see how keen he is when there is no free roof on the table

MsMarch · 20/10/2022 12:58

I'd be very interested in what your financial settlement agreement was when you divorced. Because he's been happily letting you do all the parenting AND having all the financial obligations of that, I don't see why him moving back is going to help. he just gets someone to cook and clean, help him with his 16 year old, a roof over his head and, presumably, more sex. I really don't see what you get out of this arrangement at all.

bowlingalleyblues · 20/10/2022 12:59

I think it would be fair if he paid 66% of the bills and childcare, given that he is earning double what you are and doesn't have a mortgage to pay.

And you are going to lose thousands from the loss of child benefit and help with childcare. Plus you have paid everything while he's been away (he could have sent money from his savings).

ineedakickupthe · 20/10/2022 13:00

Totally missed the bit about him not contributing to the mortgage so he lives rent free! As has just been pointed out he would have to pay rent elsewhere. That would probably be contributing to someone else's mortgage.

AgnesNaismith · 20/10/2022 13:00

Sorry, he sounds like a nightmare. Living in a house but not paying rent is the first red flag.

Discovereads · 20/10/2022 13:03

I think you’re right OP, he should cover the child care costs of his children as by moving in you are losing the financial assistance for it. And frankly, that’s not a big ask as by moving in with you and only paying 50% of bills he is not paying any rent or mortgage. Zero housing costs.

His suggestion has you paying the two largest bills- housing and childcare for a salary that is half of his. He’s cocklodging in the sense of sponging off you instead of contributing what he should to the costs of HIS children.

Whataretheodds · 20/10/2022 13:04

ineedakickupthe · 20/10/2022 12:52

Is there any middle ground to trying again? He's been living abroad - have you been visiting each other? Does trying again mean him coming back and straight to live with you? Could he live elsewhere and you see how it goes that way first? Don't forget the reasons you split up. He's not likely to have changed and you will be doing it all and losing out financially.

This

DPotter · 20/10/2022 13:10

You will also lose the single person discount for council tax.

As he is earning twice what you earn he should be paying more than 50:50 for bills, say 75:25 split.

Financials aside, I think it's a big jump from living apart in different countries, to moving back in together with a teenager. There's clearly history and baggage, so I think you will need to be absolutely crystal clear in your explicit expectations of each other, and the teenager too. What are your expectations of them ?

Let him and his teenager rent somewhere nearby and see how things pan out

JJ8765 · 20/10/2022 13:13

My ex pays nothing towards children. There would never be any way back from that for me. He’s proved himself unreliable, selfish, deadbeat dad material. If he gets own place and starts his £100k job you can claim CM and save for your child. Move in together and in 2 years time he will be expecting you to pay half of his child’s uni costs and it’s not just topping up loan to full amount as they usually need £2k pa on top of the loan to cover costs. Taking on a teen is an expensive business. It won’t just be the nursery fees you will be paying out for. And yes he has you marked as a convenient cash cow. That said I wouldn’t claim rent as I would not want any financial claim on my house.

Theredjellybean · 20/10/2022 13:17

Just No...ffs ..no...
He should be wooing you, dating, proving himself worthy of another chance .
First off he can pay all the maintenance arrears for your child
Then he can rent for him and his teen...
He can prove he has changed by starting to see your joint child, and having responsibility..etc.
Then he can date you .
And I'd be wanting evidence of at least a year of his changed behavior and financial responsibility for his child before I'd even consider him moving in

StarfishBrain · 20/10/2022 13:18

He has savings but paid zero maintenance for his child while unemployed? Why would you ever consider trying again in this relationship let alone have him move in with you immediately?

Octomore · 20/10/2022 13:21

Why on earth would you get back together with a man who CHOSE to be unemployed and live off savings while not contributing maintenance for his children? What the fuck?

He has shown you what kind of man he is, and it's not pretty.

AnotherEmma · 20/10/2022 13:22

Why are you even considering this?

Octomore · 20/10/2022 13:23

A man who chooses to live off substantial savings, but chooses not to contribute to his child because technically he has no earnings is a fucking deadbeat

happyinherts · 20/10/2022 13:26

Don't even consider it.

Be master of your own ship. It saves a lot of hassle.

Cantstandbullshit · 20/10/2022 13:26

Azandme · 20/10/2022 12:43

My initial reaction is it's a household bill, so falls in the 50/50 agreement you asked for.

by that logic the whole childcare costs should be household costs and 50:50.

My interpretation from OP is she will continue to pay the current childcare costs and it’s just the extra from the 30 hour loss that is being discussed.