Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Should a high-earner (100k+) pay for the extra incurred childcare costs?

55 replies

gomottomo · 20/10/2022 12:41

I am divorced with one DC(3)
I've been talking to my ex husband about possibly trying again but after discussing money etc I've started to feel like maybe I will just end up getting used and would like some opinions. It could just be that I am being unreasonable in which case please put me right also.

My ex has been unemployed for a while so I have not been receiving any child maintenance from him and paying nursery fees, etc by myself. He has received a job offer for over £100k. I own a house (my name only) with a mortgage which I am paying.
I earn around £50k which means I can use the 30hrs free childcare, tax-free childcare and receive child benefit.
We've talked about living together again (he is abroad atm) in which case he would also bring his other child from prev relationship(16). This would be moving into the house that I own.

I agreed I would continue paying the mortgage as the house is effectively my asset and I do not plan on adding his name to it. But want to split bills 50/50 which he said was fair enough.
However I am aware if we got back together I would lose tax-free childcare, child benefit, and 30hrs would be reduced to 15.
In my mind I think he should pay the extra childcare costs that I would effectively lose by getting back with him. Because my salary has not changed and as he will earn double the amount of me he will have capacity to pay it.
He suggested we split these extra childcare costs 50/50.
I am stunned that he even suggested that to be honest and am now thinking whether he just wants to take me for a ride or our thinking is just too fundamentally different for it to work.
Considering he has not paid me anything or helped look after our child for a decent amount of time (he has been unemployed but he has decent savings and it was his choice to leave the country), it doesn't seem like he is grateful to me at all for holding all the responsibility.
I agreed to bills 50/50 even though his teenage son will also be living with us. because even though he is not my child, I should treat the children equally. I am on good terms with his mother but she will not be providing payments.

And for reference in the past when we rented together I was working full time, paying less than 50% but also doing 100% of housework/looking after our child.
One of the reasons we split was because I was absolutely exhausted from doing basically everything and he also said he was "losing out financially" by being with me. He has agreed to share household responsibilities 50/50 as well but I'm fearful he underestimates what 50% of that will be like.

OP posts:
Shanksponyorbust · 20/10/2022 13:26

You’d be much better off him getting his own place and you claiming child maintenance.

Otherwise you lose your benefits, he pays bare minimum on some bills, your bills go up, and the reasons you divorced will become startlingly clear again.

Shanksponyorbust · 20/10/2022 13:27

Then you can meet up for a date/shag at your convenience without the hassle

Igmum · 20/10/2022 13:30

Yes of course he should. But I really don't see why you want to move back in with this prince of a man. Might be an awful lot more sensible to live separately for a while and see how it goes. I see what he is gaining from this but can't see any benefits for you and this initial discussion isn't promising.

ZenNudist · 20/10/2022 13:34

No no no. It sounds like he wants a free house with a housekeeper and nanny thrown in. Meanwhile are you trying again because you love him or because he's earning ££££? Either way it's got disaster written all over it. He needs to prove he's going to love and support you both.

WHEREEL · 20/10/2022 13:46

Don’t do it. With the income difference he should be paying at least 2/3 of expenses. You’d also need to get a legal agreement in relation to your house to ensure that over time he isn’t eligible to put in a claim. As he hasn’t offered this to begin with I’d take a cautious approach.

PurplePinecone · 20/10/2022 13:49

No op. Don't let him move in. He will be better off and you worse off living with you and only paying 50% of bills. Does this mean 50% of food too? So you will be paying for food for two adults (teenager will probably eat quite a lot). You might end up paying for most of the food as well. Your general bills will go up too with two extra people in the house. None of this set up will benefit you at all. In fact you will probably end up having to clean up more, cook more etc.

If you are seriously thinking of giving it another go, I suggest letting him rent /buy his own place and live seperately until he proves himself to be a changed man. But I all honesty, I think suggesting he lives seperately will end in not getting back together as he just wanted to be a cocklodger

Realityloom · 20/10/2022 13:54

What is the need to move in together? If you was exhausted before you will be exhausted again!

JaninaDuszejko · 20/10/2022 13:59

Another vote for taking things a lot slower. You divorced him for a reason, where has he shown that he has changed?

Goldbar · 20/10/2022 14:03

What are you gaining from this arrangement?

He pays 50/50 bills, but you lose the child benefit/tax-free childcare/free hours you're getting atm. And you can't claim CM because you're living together. So you're much worse off financially. And your home will no longer be your own because you'll be sharing it with him and his child.

Meanwhile he gets to split bills and live rent-free with his child (whose expenses you are sharing) and the likelihood is that you're going to end up doing most of the domestic shit for them as well as your joint child. And probably still buying most of the stuff for your joint child as that probably won't end up being counted in 'bills'.

It sounds like you're going to be quite a lot worse off. Is he really worth it? This is someone who's happily left you to bear the burden of caring for and providing for your joint child until now.

I'd be saying "No thank you very much but I'll have every penny of the child maintenance I'm due please".

Original poster
gomottomo · 20/10/2022 14:07

Thanks everyone for your opinions.. glad to see that people generally seem to agree with me

My only reason for wanting to get back together is because aside from the issues we have with money/responsibilities we get on very well. Before children came into the picture it was great. I've dated since splitting up but I always thought how much more compatible I was with my ex hence the relationships didn't last long. It's just a shame that he is very unreliable on the husband/parent/financial front, and it's very difficult to discuss these topics with him. I was hoping we could fix that but everyone around me (except his mother...) says it will just be me losing out and he's not gonna change. I guess I need to suck up and admit that you can't build a marriage on feelings only.

It doesn't matter to me if he's earning ££££ or not because I don't think there will be any coming my way, I just want him to acknowledge his responsibilities and pay for them. It also came out in our discussion that he has a tax bill of £70k from a few years ago (while we were renting together he was earning over £200k) that he needs to pay (in his country) so any leftover money will probably be going to that.

I met him when I was living abroad in his home country. We got married and divorced there so I don't think the same UK rules apply although I've checked and the marriage is legally recognised in the UK. Getting divorced was simply signing one sheet of paper and submitting it. There is no financial settlement agreement but I have sole custody of our child (dual custody not permitted in that country). I'm not sure if I would be eligible for CM here or not.

As some people have suggested it may be a good idea to have them live close-by at first and see how it goes. Not that it matters in that case but his 16yr old is an angel and very reliable so I'm not worried about him. He doesn't speak English though so I imagine I will be pretty involved in helping him as well.

One reason I said I will pay the whole mortgage is because I don't want him to be able to have a claim on my house. But I am unsure whether his paying of the extra childcare costs would count as "contributing" which would result in him having a claim anyway. Could look at legal agreements in regards to this but I'm pretty sure he won't take that well and consider it a lack of trust (well, it is I guess...)

OP posts:
NotLactoseFree · 20/10/2022 14:12

My only reason for wanting to get back together is because aside from the issues we have with money/responsibilities we get on very well.

But money/responsibilities are an absolutely key part of any relationship and if you don't have those, it doesn't matter how good things are otherwise. Rather, he can be a best friend or even a FWB if you like.

Also, if thhe 16 year old doesn't speak English, then if you let him move in you WILL be assuming responsibility for him. You may well be wiling to do that anyway if you have a good relationship with him, but bear this in mind as it doesn't sound like your ex will be the one stepping up to help smooth the way at school, sending him to English lessons etc.

Delilahonabike · 20/10/2022 14:14

I couldn't get past how mean-minded and transactional he's being tbh, of course everyone should protect themselves financially in a relationship but this just seems devoid of any emotion or concept of you two being a team.

LindseyHoyleSpeaks · 20/10/2022 14:15

Never go back! You split for a reason!

Manekinek0 · 20/10/2022 14:16

I would run a mile. Make sure you start getting the child maintenance you're entitled to.

Quitelikeit · 20/10/2022 14:23

a 100k salary is roughly 5k take home each month.

you won’t be charging him rent so surely it’s fair for him to cover what you will lose!!

I would do a little spreadsheet for him to see, then he can see how much worse off you are etc

i mean is he really worth losing £500 a month over? You’ll actually be paying to be his partner !!!!

i mean at least your child would see her father but I have to ask what is your motivation to get back with this man?

was it your idea to divorce or his?

strange that he is keen to come back to the marriage?

or is it because he has the job here and he knows he would have to pay maintenance so might aswell live with you for the same amount per month?

if it looks like a con, smells like a con, then it is a con

I’m afraid you’ve not said anything to convince me that this is a good idea!!!

NotLactoseFree · 20/10/2022 14:36

a 100k salary is roughly 5k take home each month.

Actually, significantly more than that. Making all your other points even more valid.

WakingUpDistress · 20/10/2022 15:12

So moving in, seeing the huge difference in wages, you should pay in proportion no?
so at the very least 2/3 for him and 1/3 for you.
This is at least like that Ashe us responsible (and should be paying fir two dcs) whereas you are only responsible for one if them.

The fact he mentioned before he was worse off living with you makes me think you are going to be taken fir a ride unless you have extremely clear and high expectations.

WakingUpDistress · 20/10/2022 15:17

Also CM isn’t for you, it’s for his dc. A father that refuses to pay anything fir his child isn’t a good man, regardless in how compatible you are.

Seeing his history, I’d also ask myself if he isn’t trying to ensure someone else is going to look after/support his 16yo tbh.

And if he still has such a big outstanding debt from taxes of a few years ago, he us crap with money.

I agree with some PP, you are going to pay for him to live with you. And he is going to benefit 100% from that.

dragonfly16 · 20/10/2022 15:19

This sounds heavily biased in his favour. He needs to pay something towards housing him and his son in addition to bills! Logic would dictate that you should be much better off financially if he moves in, otherwise why do it?

Hadalifeonce · 20/10/2022 15:36

In your heart of hearts, do you really think anything will be different this time around?
He has already given you enough reason the believe it will be exactly the same relationship you gave already left.

alwayscheery · 20/10/2022 20:14

If you live In together .
He will save on 100% payment of rent
Save on payment of 100% of child maintenance from 100k salary.
Save 50% of cost of his and his child's bills.
Cook and housekeeper thrown in for free.

What will you gain?
50 % towards bills but they will be higher with 2 adults and 2 children and no doubt your incidental expenses will
Increase.

Everything works in his favour.

Hayliebells · 20/10/2022 22:02

Don’t move in with him. You can have a relationship with him if you must, but don’t live with him. You get nothing from that arrangement.

Callisto1 · 21/10/2022 09:12

You being married or divorced in a foreign country should have no bearing on child maintenance. I would have a look at that since he should definitely pay it! It's not for you, but your joint child. If you don't need it now you can save it for your child when they grow up.

Darbs76 · 22/10/2022 08:35

Yes he should. He’s earning double your salary and he and his teenage son will be living rent free. He should pay all the childcare really to account from getting a free home!

In all honesty I’d reconsider. It doesn’t sound like he’s changed.

SquashesPumpkinsAutumnBliss · 25/10/2022 21:52

How about he moves back to the Uk with his job and rents a house near you? Then he can have his 16 year old with him, and you can see how you get on living near each other but not with each other?

That way you can assess whether he will work on the relationships and show commitment, whilst keeping your finances totally separate. Will he have the 3yr old overnight? Or for some time at the weekend, in his own rented home?

Definitely whilst your child is still in childcare, keep the 30 hours finding!!! If hyped is not going to replace it, how can you afford to pay that 30 hours, the council tax difference and the loss in CB?

if he truly wants to be in a relationship with you, having a trial year of not living together might show you whether he just wants cheap, free childcare, meals cooked for his son and the laundry done or not!!!