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Original poster

Partner has lied again - I'm 8 months pregnant help!

81 replies

purplegal · 31/07/2022 11:38

My partner is in debt which I knew about and I have taken control over the finances for the last 7 months or so. He's lied to me before about missing bill payments and of course promised he wouldn't do so again. Last month I calculated in £800 of expenses he was owed but he never received this. We moved some money around from elsewhere, I asked him if he had enough and he said it was fine.

I am in a position to buy a house but of course the mortgage we can get will be in my name only and much lower than if it was the both of us. I earn a good salary so I can get about £300k.

I am due to get a payout from a successful Tribunal case in September, anywhere from 40-90k. I do eventually want my dream home so I need him to be debt free and his credit score to improve in the next 5 years or so. To help this I was thinking of paying off his debts (around 20k) with some of this money. I worked out how long it would take to save this money back between us, after all our debts are paid and it's not that long! I don't have many debts at all. I know peoples initial reaction will be not to give him a penny, but I see it as my only chance of ever having the life I really want. Debt free and in my dream home! It will just become more difficult for him to pay these himself whilst im in Mat leave and then I'll be part time with child care costs.

Yesterday I asked him to go through his debts with me (I hadn't told him my plan yet!) and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. He said no. I asked him to show me each account on his phone. He was taking ages, then eventually confessed he has missed a payment last month due to the mix up. I went ballistic!! I asked him to leave but he wouldn't so I left and slept in our Motorhome. Our dog is unwell so I have come back but I've told him I do not want to be with him. I have about 7 weeks to go before baby comes and just don't know what to do!!!
Do I give him another chance? Do I physically check every month that he has paid his bills? Do I make these payments for him? Do I pay these debts off so we can have a fresh start? I am so scared.

OP posts:

Original poster

purplegal · 31/07/2022 11:45

I should add the reason he didn't tell me at the time was because he was scared of my reaction. He's said this before. I don't quite understand it this time as the mix up was partly my fault- i shouldn't have factored in his expenses until we had received the money! I would have taken money out of savings. So I just don't understand!! I just can't seem to get through to him that bills are not optional and each time he missed a payment it effectively resets the 'eligible for a mortgage' clock.

I have bought everything for baby so far on credit cards as I want to keep saving as much as we can for mat leave. I know I can pay this off with my payout. I feel like sometimes I have to pay for everything, it would be nice to feel secure and that I can rely on him given I will be on SMP for a year.

OP posts:

SunshineAndFizz · 31/07/2022 11:47

The main issues for me would be trust (hiding the debt), and the ongoing worry about him getting into debt again in the future.

You could pay it all off for him, but in all likelihood he'll get into debt again at this rate. I get you want your dream home, but if he's on a joint mortgage with you and gets bad credit again/gets into debt again it will affect you too.

I wouldn't pay it off until he can prove to you he can be responsible with money and keep on top of finances/repayments.

AquaticSewingMachine · 31/07/2022 11:48

He will always be shit with money and his approach to it will always be to hide it from you.

Can you live with that? If not, best to end things now.

IcedOatLatte · 31/07/2022 11:50

Don't use your money to pay off his debts, all that does is give him the green light to do it again knowing you'll sort it our

I know people have different tolerances for lying and piss poor money management, for me this would be a deal breaker

Original poster

purplegal · 31/07/2022 11:53

@IcedOatLatte I told him it was a deal breaker and that I wouldn't tolerate anymore lies. I'm heartbroken and so scared at this stage in my life. He just keeps saying how can we more financially secure apart than together, which I understand to a point. But I need security for the future and I just don't trust him anymore 😭

OP posts:

MondayMoan · 31/07/2022 11:54

Just ditch him. He won't changed. If you pay his debts off he will see it clear to crest others.

Original poster

purplegal · 31/07/2022 11:57

@MondayMoan I know deep down that's what I should do but it's really difficult with the baby on the way. He is refusing to move out of our rented home. I told him to go stay with his father - but he won't. My parents live 3 hours away. But that's my only choice at the moment.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 31/07/2022 11:57

I actually said "Oh no!" out loud when you said you were planning to pay £20K off his debts. Please don't do that!

It would be a huge deal breaker for me. I might carry on dating him but there's no way I'd let him live in my house and lie to me about money.

AluckyEllie · 31/07/2022 11:57

Leave him. Of course he wouldn’t leave last night, he knows he’s onto a good thing with you! You’ll pay off his debts, let him live in a lovely house that you’ll buy and you are having his baby so you are ‘tied.’ Don’t pay off his debt and for gods sake don’t marry him. If you won’t make him leave get a solicitor to make the contract ironclad so he wouldn’t be entitled to money in the house when you do split.

It might sound harsh and it will be hard being a single mum. But it will be a lot easier than having his debt and poor financial decisions hanging over you. How did he get into debt in the first place? Does he work hard?

Original poster

purplegal · 31/07/2022 12:05

@AluckyEllie he does work hard and earns £55k. He's made poor decisions in the past and just doesn't really think about the future. I was in a similar situation but got myself out of it in my twenties and now at 35 have a good credit score and savings. He is 42 and the only money he has is because I have been the driving force for saving. I have made plans to get him debt free in the past but he just does not stick to them. I could personally tighten the purse strings even more and probably do still spend too much but I work hard and earn £60k a year so can afford it. I'm sure this will change when baby comes but I am happy and ready for that.

No disrespect to single mothers AT ALL - my own mum was for a few years before meeting my amazing Dad. But it's just not how I saw my life playing out and don't know if I can do it alone. I am heartbroken.

OP posts:

MintJulia · 31/07/2022 12:08

Don't pay his debts. That will make the problem worse. Move into the spare room with the baby when it arrives. Make your 'separation' clear to him.
When each bill comes in, treat it as if you were sharing a house. Sit there together and pay each bill online at the end of every month, half and half. That way he can't 'forget' or hide it from you.
Plan to buy your own house. Dispose of joint assets (motor home). You will never have your dream home (or possibly any home) if you buy together. He cannot be trusted. Do not marry him.

MintJulia · 31/07/2022 12:09

And at 42, he won't change.

Orangesare · 31/07/2022 12:12

Do not under any circumstances pay his debts off.
plan your life as being financially independent, so only buy the house you can afford. See a solicitor about ensuring he has no claim on your assets.
And I would stick with him for a bit as if he’s useful and helpful with the baby and round the house but keep in mind you’ll probably leave in the future.

TotheletterofthelawTHELETTER · 31/07/2022 12:12

I really feel for you. I’ve been in a similar position although the figures were lower. I gave exh £3k to pay his credit card off with the plan that he wouldn’t re-use it. Within a year I found out that not only had he reused it, he now owed £10k on it. Despite us having an agreement to be transparent with money. I didn’t end the relationship over it but it was one of the factors.

your partner has shown you can’t trust him. You’re not on the same page for finances at all. If you bail him out this time it will happen again.

it’s so hard to be a single parent but it’s even harder to be in a relationship with a man you can’t trust.

Suprima · 31/07/2022 12:18

I know you didn’t want to be a single mum- but you didn’t choose a provider, solid type to be your coparent. He’s unfortunately a spender who is bad with money. I’m not trying to kick you whilst you’re down- but you’ll have a better time with much less sleepless nights without him. He doesn’t want to change unless you’re doing the hard work for him, and even then- can’t be trusted to make cc payments on time. please see him for the man he is rather than clinging onto what you want him to be.

and Christ alive- don’t pay his debts. He hasn’t even married you and is so happy to mooch from you. You’re legally two single people with no obligations to each other. (Not that I would suggest you marry this prince anyway- run!)

Sunshinegirl82 · 31/07/2022 12:18

How long do you have left on the lease for your current place? When do you go on Mat leave?

TooHotToTangoToo · 31/07/2022 12:20

He's made poor decisions in the past

Not just in the past, he continues to make poor decisions

The only way I'd move forward is to leave him to it financially. But he has to pay 50% towards EVEEYTHING. How he does this is up to him, don't ever get financially ties to him

Continue on your dream to buy your home, but he signs away any entitlement towards the home, however pays rent and 50% of all bills etc, this inc childcare and baby things

Do not marry him or give him any money towards his debt

BoredOfGrey22 · 31/07/2022 12:23

Good grief do not give him a single penny of your money!! I understand why you are saying that, because you are desperate to make things work for you.

But please don't give him money. He absolutely needs to do it himself. On a salary of £55k he should be able to plan for spending and saving.

Imagine if you wracked yo £20k debt and someone just paid it off for you! I mean that's not how life works. It would be money lost. YOUR money. Don't do it.

He sounds awful. Won't leave or give you space even out of curtesy. Plan your exit and definitely LTB

Ragruggers · 31/07/2022 12:29

Do not marry this man.I would go it alone,can you move nearer family for support?Is your flat in both your names,could you find somewhere for yourself and the baby,your partner will have to prove to you he can change and this never happens again but from experience I doubt at 42 he will change .Keep all your money close Donot give him a penny you will never see it again.He earns well so that is not an excuse ,what is he spending the money do you know?goodluck you will cope .

Paq · 31/07/2022 12:29

Do not give him any money. Do. It pay off his debt.
Do not count on him for anything.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/07/2022 12:32

He hasn't learnt from his past mistakes and is irresponsible
At 42 he won't change and you should not give him a penny
It's different with say a teenager as they have time to gain a mature attitude towards money
This leech won't
On £55k he should be saving a good amount
He doesn't see you as a team I'm afraid and even a forthcoming baby has not given him a focus
Please save every penny of your payout and put down a great deposit for a mortgage in your own name
Luckily you're renting now and are not married so the way ahead is relatively clear for you
Give the baby your surname and claim for maintenance in due course
I guarantee you and baby will have a great life once this millstone has gone from your shoulder
Wishing you a smooth pregnancy and a healthy happy baby

2pinkginsplease · 31/07/2022 12:36

Debt scares me so I could never be with anyone in bad debt or who was bad with money,

if he is missing payments after you have discussed how important it is then he won’t change.

do not pay his debts and do not get a mortgage with him, do not marry him You will end up with nothing.

very few woman plan to be a single parent but sometimes it’s for your the best . You need to look after your physical health , wellbeing and mental health.

HollowTalk · 31/07/2022 12:37

Basically you have a choice between giving him £20K or saving it for your child.

Believe me, once the baby is born, that choice will be crystal clear.

AuntieDolly · 31/07/2022 12:40

55k is a very good salary. What is he spending it on? I would definitely say don't pay his debts - there will be more. Keep your money and don't become financially linked to this man.

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 31/07/2022 12:44

@AuntieDolly has a good point. Where DOES his salary go? Between the pair of you, given those salaries, I estimate £4-5k coming in per month?
And agree with PPs. You cannot trust him, he will get into debt again, he seems to have no financial sense, nor any incentive to acquire any.

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