Partner has lied again - I'm 8 months pregnant help!

[purplegal]

My partner is in debt which I knew about and I have taken control over the finances for the last 7 months or so. He's lied to me before about missing bill payments and of course promised he wouldn't do so again. Last month I calculated in £800 of expenses he was owed but he never received this. We moved some money around from elsewhere, I asked him if he had enough and he said it was fine.

I am in a position to buy a house but of course the mortgage we can get will be in my name only and much lower than if it was the both of us. I earn a good salary so I can get about £300k.

I am due to get a payout from a successful Tribunal case in September, anywhere from 40-90k. I do eventually want my dream home so I need him to be debt free and his credit score to improve in the next 5 years or so. To help this I was thinking of paying off his debts (around 20k) with some of this money. I worked out how long it would take to save this money back between us, after all our debts are paid and it's not that long! I don't have many debts at all. I know peoples initial reaction will be not to give him a penny, but I see it as my only chance of ever having the life I really want. Debt free and in my dream home! It will just become more difficult for him to pay these himself whilst im in Mat leave and then I'll be part time with child care costs.

Yesterday I asked him to go through his debts with me (I hadn't told him my plan yet!) and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. He said no. I asked him to show me each account on his phone. He was taking ages, then eventually confessed he has missed a payment last month due to the mix up. I went ballistic!! I asked him to leave but he wouldn't so I left and slept in our Motorhome. Our dog is unwell so I have come back but I've told him I do not want to be with him. I have about 7 weeks to go before baby comes and just don't know what to do!!!
Do I give him another chance? Do I physically check every month that he has paid his bills? Do I make these payments for him? Do I pay these debts off so we can have a fresh start? I am so scared.

Don't have him back. I wasted 18 years with a man who I was constantly having to bail out. Totally irresponsible and you will never be able to trust him.

@MintJulia I say the Motorhome is 'ours' but I paid for it.

@Sunshinegirl82 we are on a rolling 1 month contract. I will go on Mat leave in September.

I totally agree with other posters - this man will not change at 42, and with your history of trying to straighten him out - he's had loads of second chances.

Please don't pay of his debts - you would get more satisfaction piling up the £20k in a heap and setting fire to it. Don't start checking and managing his money - he's an adult, doesn't just behave like one. How sexy is it to manage a 42 year old bank account and credit cards?

You're obviously a capable woman, so you need a plan - I'd start the process of looking for a new place to rent with your rolling rental contract so you can move and settle in before the baby arrives. Do you have to stay where you currently are for work ? If not might be a good idea to relocate back to your home town for support with the baby.

Disentangle your lives financially as much as you can.

I'd be telling him how much he owes for the baby stuff too and how much you will be expecting for child maintenance. I wouldn't hold my breath for the money appearing in your account but he needs to know he can't freewheel through life once he has a child.

Do not pay his debts. I was absolutely terrible with money, met my lovely partner and he got an inheritance and paid them all off for me. As soon as I was allowed credit I was up to my eyeballs again, he couldn’t afford to pay it this time when I confessed. I didn’t see it as a big deal because it didn’t impact me, he could afford our bills and I had never needed to worry because it was always fixed for me.

The second time I was in debt DP was made redundant shortly after so I had to work hard to keep up with our bills and pay my debts as he got a job that didn’t pay enough to keep up with our lifestyle. The fact he paid it off for me initially didn’t help me at all, it was my mess and I needed to learn to fix it. I have now learnt that I don’t want to miss payments or fall into debt, the only debt I would be willing to get into now is a credit card for real emergencies (failed MOT and need car for work/urgent dental care). We now need to downsize because we can’t afford the mortgage and we are in a much better position because I paid my debt and learnt it is important to keep on top of things, if I hadn’t we would be screwed because DPs wage isn’t high enough alone and my debt/missed payments ruined my credit.

Definitely do not pay his debts. I don’t think you will have any security with this man. He is not a partner and he will not change, he’s shown you that already.

Keep your finances separate and don’t buy a house while you are with him.

The motor home you paid for, is that in joint names or just your name? I would sell that and put the money in your savings, never share the savings and work towards security for yourself and your DC.

He will not change. You know this.
If you want security for you and your child, you need to separate your lives -he can still be involved in your child’s life but he will ‘drag you down’ if he is involved in your financial affairs /home to the point that he has any cohabiting rights.

Can you give notice on the flat and then move to your parents once you start your mat leave? Then you can re-group and decide how you go forward?

He is using you for money. He earns more than enough to be debt free and able to support you on maternity leave and buy stuff for his child.

I think you need to reframe how you think about him 'missing' payment. He isn't paying them because he is spending the money elsewhere, as he has been doing for the last two decades.

I would assume a gambling/drug problem somewhere (unless he is dripping with diamonds and Gucci bags?).

If you stay with him he will financially break you.

He’s got his bread buttered with you!

Whatever blinders you still have on, take them off. He's 42, if he hasn't grown up by now he never will. The man you see now is the one he will always be. He will always be shit with money, he will always be a liar, and he will always drag you down. Get rid.

Don't pay off his debt and whatever you do, don't marry him

Does his financial status matter for your mortgage? Just take it all out in your name and totally separate your finances so he has nothing to do with yours

This

Do not marry him. He will ruin you financially if you let him

He wont change. I tried for many years to get my ex to change. She always found another way to get money and add to the debt.
I walked away with 3 CCJS but I couldn't live any longer with the lies and lack of trust.
Actually knowing her parents had spare money and thinking they would bail her out made things worse for us as this seemed to encourage her to spend. When they told her they weren't going to help she nearly lost the house .
There will be other debts as well he has not told you about.
Get rid now.

sorry but this wont get any better. He is a liar and you need to start protecting your assets in preparation for your baby. Ofcourse to him joint finances are better as you are his get out of jail free card. Keep your 20k and spend it on your future with your baby

Do not pay off his debts! Safeguard that money for your and your child's security.

Are you married to him? I hope not. He's not going to change.

DO NOT PAY HIS DEBTS!!!!!!!!

DO NOT BUY A HOME WITH HIM!!!!

buy your own house and keep everything separate, then when he does this again, he won’t drag you down with him.

Do not pay his debts off. He is a liar, weak and untrustworthy. Keep your money, kick him out and focus on you and your baby. Never let him back into your life, ever.

You need to think clearly. He is a fully cooked adult now. He is who he is and while he can make noises about changing/doing better he will slip back into his usual habits.

Unless you are willing accept you will be playing mum to all your finances going forward, you will be the only adult who thinks about your future, which includes dealing with his teenage-esk strops and hiding things, this will be a problem in your relationship which will eventually lead to resentment on both sides.

Do not get married, or buy a property with sometime like this.

I know you are devastated but imagine how much worse it will be if he does this and you lose your house. He will not change, your entire life will be like an investigator.

I know it’s awful but you actually know in your heart what he is like. It’s not your fault.

I thought this comment of his quite telling…

“He just keeps saying, how can we be more financially secure apart than together?”

Of course HE will be more financially secure if you’re together but YOU definitely won’t.

Oh this sounds very stressful for you.
Take a deep breath and tell yourself you're going to get through this just fine (which you will).

I understand your worry about coping as a single parent - it can be daunting and challenging.
Here's what I would do (and I have faced somewhat similar circumstances, though not exactly the same).

First of all separate in your mind completely the issue of your relationship and the issue of finances.

The relationship - hold off making any decisions about the course of your relationship for now. You have too much else to worry about with the pregnancy. Even someone who is rubbish with money can be a good emotional support as a co parent. Wait and see how you feel later, and how he shapes up. Even minimal support might be preferable to none in the coming few months. You can make the decision about whether to continue in a relationship further down the line.

Your finances - you need to separate these completely. In order to do this you need to also separate your households. Rent a place each, not too far away.

Pitch this to you partner on purely financial grounds - you will still be bf and gf, just not living together as a couple. This will give you an escape from worrying about his finances and allow you to concentrate solely on your own security and that of your child. He will become responsible for his own financial management and debts, and any consequences.
Doing this will enable you to establish some financial security separate from your partner and release you from the distress of debt that should belong to him. You will be able to claim any benefits available to you as a lone parent. Splitting in this way for financial reasons is perfectly legal and acceptable, and you will not be breaking any benefit rules, providing you are genuinely maintaining two households.
You can also claim CSA payments from your dp - do this officially so you are not impacted by his poor money management, as far as possible.

You will still have the emotional support of a partner until you are ready to decide otherwise.

That’s good advice!

DO NOT PAY HIS DEBTS
Honestly
My ex went through 3 consolidation loans for his debt.
I said I would leave him if he did it again. He did it again