Partner has lied again - I'm 8 months pregnant help!

[purplegal]

My partner is in debt which I knew about and I have taken control over the finances for the last 7 months or so. He's lied to me before about missing bill payments and of course promised he wouldn't do so again. Last month I calculated in £800 of expenses he was owed but he never received this. We moved some money around from elsewhere, I asked him if he had enough and he said it was fine.

I am in a position to buy a house but of course the mortgage we can get will be in my name only and much lower than if it was the both of us. I earn a good salary so I can get about £300k.

I am due to get a payout from a successful Tribunal case in September, anywhere from 40-90k. I do eventually want my dream home so I need him to be debt free and his credit score to improve in the next 5 years or so. To help this I was thinking of paying off his debts (around 20k) with some of this money. I worked out how long it would take to save this money back between us, after all our debts are paid and it's not that long! I don't have many debts at all. I know peoples initial reaction will be not to give him a penny, but I see it as my only chance of ever having the life I really want. Debt free and in my dream home! It will just become more difficult for him to pay these himself whilst im in Mat leave and then I'll be part time with child care costs.

Yesterday I asked him to go through his debts with me (I hadn't told him my plan yet!) and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. He said no. I asked him to show me each account on his phone. He was taking ages, then eventually confessed he has missed a payment last month due to the mix up. I went ballistic!! I asked him to leave but he wouldn't so I left and slept in our Motorhome. Our dog is unwell so I have come back but I've told him I do not want to be with him. I have about 7 weeks to go before baby comes and just don't know what to do!!!
Do I give him another chance? Do I physically check every month that he has paid his bills? Do I make these payments for him? Do I pay these debts off so we can have a fresh start? I am so scared.

You might as well flush that 20k down the loo if you pay his debts. The result will be the same.

Big red flag!! Nope, do not get a mortgage with this person! Do not pay their debts either!

Get a smaller property for you and DC. The dream house can come later either after saving more on your own or with a different, better partner who is trustworthy and more financially reliable.

If you are staying with current DP then of course he can live with you and pay bills etc but don't legally share a home with him beyond that. Make sure he has to sign a document that says he has no claim on the house too! That way you can kick him out after the next issue too.

Christ almighty you've obviously got a decent head on you to earn what you do, please apply that same level of intelligence to your relationship.

He has shown you exactly what he is like with money, and what level of respect he has for you. He's not going to change, and he's especially not going to change if you pay off his debts for him. For the love of god don't entangle yourself financially with him any further, he WILL drag your credit score down with his. There is no upside down that road for you, only misery.

He just keeps saying how can we more financially secure apart than together, which I understand to a point.

Well yes, he would say that, wouldn't he? It's certainly in his best financial interests for you two to stay together. It's not in yours, though.

Of course he won't want to move out of the rented home you share. That's not in his best interests either.

I'm so sorry for you that this is piss poor timing with a baby well on the way, but I honestly can't see a way that you can stay with him and things would get better.

You've expressed clear boundaries and an ultimatum (and good for you) - if you relent on that now he will know he has got you wrapped around his little finger, and he won't change a damn thing.

£55k and unable to manage his money? That's piss taking.

Pack your stuff up into the motor home and go visit your family.

If you want to then leave give notice on the rental

He’s not bring straight with you. You are actually in a position of power. You can go it alone. Do NOT merge any finances going forward.

Don't be stupid, if you mix your finances with his and buy a house together, you will end up losing it and ruining your credit record and your chance of ever getting the house you want. If you pay his debts you still won't get what you want, he has shown he is not to be trusted and will run up more debt.
He is telling you who he is loud and clear, don't let some romantic idea of your dream house blind you to reality.

d might be worth getting some counselling lined up to support you so you don’t crack when you have the baby

Actually, in my case, I was more likely to crack when I was pregnant. Once my baby was born I stopped feeling any need to be in a relationship with him.

OP, your partner does not sound very nice, happily living off you, when he is earning a whopping great salary.

I imagine he has other defects too. If you have any doubts about him, don't put him on the birth certificate. I didn't put my dd's dad on her cert but never denied him a relationship with her either. However if he'd given me any reason to think he was harmful for her, I could have stopped him seeing her without any problem.

My best friend paid off her husbands £35,000 debt. He was always shady about what has caused this massive debt but she is a lovely person and felt it was the right thing to do. She's just discovered he has now got onto another £20,000 worth of debt and she is starting divorce proceedings.
Just be careful

Sorry you are going through this op, but no offence, most parents(unless single, dying to have a child and use a donor or adopt) don’t choose or wish to be single parents. It just happens for many reasons you can’t control. I didn’t choose to be a single parent at 16 but it happened and I managed and coped very well. Being a single parent brings out a strength in you, you never knew existed and although it can be tough it is also the most rewarding and the bond you make with dc is in-explainable. Whatever you decide though you sound like you will be a great mother and if you do go it alone read up on purple crying. It could be a life saver over the first few months when you can’t settle nb and think your doing a s**t job. I have recently had child no3 and never heard of this until a few weeks back

Don’t pay off his debt, NEVER marry him and don’t let him gaslight you when he lies. Honestly, you’re having a real baby. It would be great if he could be an adult, but he’s totally happy to handball that responsibility to you, which means he will never be a real partner in your life. What is he spending his money on? Does he gamble? I would ensure my name was not on the lease and just go.

What does he have to show for all the debt? Is it flash clothes and tech or does he have addiction issues?

In either case get him to the CAB to see a debt advisor. He needs to look at insolvency options.

This!

He'll do it again.

This is my ex husband to a T!

We've been divorced for 8 years and my credit rating has only just recovered, it was wrecked as I blended finances with him and he brought me down with him.

Trouble is I can see it panning out again with his new gf. Moved in after 3 months, she's got a pot of money from her divorce, so far they've bought a Range Rover, caravan, private number plate, booked a holdiay in Greece. I can guarantee it's not being paid by him. My dd just said they are looking at buying a house but can't as the mortgage is too much. I bet my bottom dollar its because he's got shit loads of debt and a crap credit rating. I feel so sorry for her as my dd likes her and she seems lovely, but i know he'll bleed her dry and then some.

He either pays all his pay to you,from which you give him an allowance or its over.

It's what many men still do and used to do in the past.

He will have spending money but you control the rest.

If he wants you then that's what he will do.

If he refuses, then of course there is zero future.

Sorry but you’re trying to make this man something he’s not. You would be better to go it alone

Do you really want to be spending the rest of your life trying to manage this man? He should be your partner, not your responsibility. He has demonstrated time after time that he isn’t to be trysted, that he lies and hides things from you. Where is his salary ££££ going to, there’s something very suspicious about this!

He is 42 and you should not be having to parent him. He is an adult, ffs! And I suspect he thinks he is on to a good thing with you because he knows you’ll bail him out every time.

Just stop trying to sort him out, it isn’t working and you are just, sadly, enabling him.

Whose name is on the rental agreement? As it’s a one month rolling contract, extricating yourself from it should not be too difficult. Can you get him out?

He's made poor decisions in the past

And you’re making poor decisions in the present.

You’ll never change this man. I’m not sure what your history is in terms of how long you’ve been together etc but making the decision to have a baby with a man who is feckless with money, and a liar to boot, wasn’t a good one. Don’t compound the problem by adding a joint mortgage and handing him £30k.

^£20k

How do people even miss payments?

all my bills are on direct debit.

Yeah,don’t marry him.

Omg could you imagine finally getting your dream home with him, then losing the house to his debts?

Things have been tough at home for the past few weeks. I have decided to stay with him but not bail him out. I will save the money for my own home, hopefully buy within 12-18 depending on the housing market. It will take him years to pay off his debts and lord knows when, if ever, we'll buy a house together. So no dream home for a while but trying to rebuild the trust and relationship and hopefully enjoy my last few weeks before the baby comes!! I've told him my plan and he completely supports and understands my decision. Thank you for all your advice. X

So green light for him to continue to screw up then?

@Creepymanonagoatfarm hope not but with a few weeks before my baby arrives it feels like the best thing to do. I will not marry him or be financially tied. I hope we can make it work but time will tell.

He's unlikely to change. People don't unless THEY want to. Somebody else wanting them to be different doesn't have the same effect.

He probably doesn't see any need to change when he has found a partner who is prepared to act as his Meal Ticket. He sounds like a freeloader tbh. He certainly doesn't share your financial goals and dreams.

Why would you buy anything on credit cards if you don't have to? Best saving you can do is repay all of your high interest debts, like credit cards.