£900 gone to cryptocurrency company-bank won't refund

[SeriousAlligator]

My partner had two separate amounts go missing from her bank account over a short period of time, to a 'cryptocurrency' company. The bank will not refund. I've written three letters to them advising they're breaking their own policies by not refunding this money (using quotes from their own complaints policy website) as it is an unusual transaction, an unusual amount of money, at 0200 so an unusual time, etc etc.

All their responses have been along the lines of that the transaction required a pin for her internet banking to have been inputted-therefore they think my partner paid this money and is lying.

£900 is a lot of money to anyone, and I just think it is absolutely disgusting. Ombudsman is the next step I guess. Anyone ever been successful with this sort of thing, any advice?

I had a similar thing happen when my card was 'cloned' or such but my bank blocked most of the transactions and refunded me for the ones they hadn't, no problem! I just can't believe how obtuse her bank are being. She's been with them for 20 years!

Why won't she take you out other to people's houses? Does she not want to be seen as lesbian in public?

Don't be writing off the chance of finding a great relationship in the future.
'Aging lesbian' makes you sound like a bloody pensioner.

@SpacePotato definitely not that! She's been out since she was a pre teen. I will pm you as it is very personal.

It won't let me PM you. It's a very unusual issue, PM me if you do want to know. :)

It's fine, I don't need to know the reason.

Push comes to shove, she doesn't make you happy and fulfilled in this relationship, so why stay in it?

OP, I am a lesbian who finally came out fully later in life, during lockdown. I am in my 50's, and am not someone who takes any shit in relationships as I had too much in my earlier life. I have met someone, we took time and got to know each other and fell head over heels. We are very well suited and she is moving long distance to be with me. I help her with some of her admin as she isn't great at it and I am, but in all other ways she is independent, solvent, has a good profession and has her shit together. I wasn't looking for a relationship as I was happy to be alone, she had been single for a few years by choice, and neither of us were looking for a long distance relationship. But we found each other and it clicked. I also have a lesbian friend in her early 60's who has also just met someone who is very well suited to her.

Please don't settle for the appearance of a relationship rather than the real thing. You are absolutely nowhere near being too old.

Yes, you're right.
@BEAM123 Thank you-and congratulations on your recent 'outcoming'. :)

I met my current partner online (not a dating site however) but prior to that I had been on many dates following the break down of my LTR and hadn't ever found anyone who had all of the qualities you mention. I was beginning to give up!

My current partner has good qualities, but the pitfalls I've mentioned have become more of an issue than I thought they would (and I was drip-fed them).

Are you planning on staying in the relationship @SeriousAlligator?

It isn't making you happy.

😞

No, I am not. I don't think she's happy either-for all the reasons I've said here. I imagine she'd rather someone she was interested in more whom she had more in common with :(

Also I have just thought, people are saying she's done this purposely, I wonder if she thinks I did it? I was in the tent and I know her code for her 'phone (hmm second thoughts I don't know her internet banking app code-not that I'd ever do this regardless!🤓

I am getting absolutely nowhere with Coinbase, they keep sending me their generic email asking for bank account/card details 'because they don't have an account associated with this email address'. I've filled it in twice now, and sent them a screenshot of the transactions but then they send the same email back again.

It's impossible to call them because they ask for one's coinbase account number before putting you through to anyone.

@SeriousAlligator

You're putting so much into this relationship, including into this coin base stuff, when you don't need to and it's using up precious energy.

You said this upthread when I asked if you were actually happy being with her and I really, really think you need to face the reality of it a bit.

No, I am not. I don't think she's happy either-for all the reasons I've said here. I imagine she'd rather someone she was interested in more whom she had more in common with :(

I agree with this, OP - you’re putting so much energy into solving this issue for your partner, but she clearly isn’t interested in helping herself at all if she is content to just leave you to try to sort it out for her. She clearly doesn’t appreciate the efforts you’re going to, and surely that must tell you something about how invested or otherwise she is in your relationship, and how much or little she cares about you?

I agree with you there and do appreciate the concern. As we're long distance, it is something I have been able to sort of compartmentalise for now. I am not putting a lot of effort into the relationship at the moment. I have declined a few opportunities to speak with/see her.

I am determined to get to the bottom of this money situation however. I am just not sure how to resolve it. I am currently trying to find another means of contacting coinbase-as it seems the only 'tool' I have is to continue emailing them and hope that an actual human will read and respond eventually.

Why are you determined to get to the bottom of something that doesn't benefit you and doesn't have an impact on you, but is only benefiting her?

You say you're compartmentalising but I think you may simply be refocusing your efforts to keep the relationship going by making yourself useful to her.

Rather than accepting what may be difficult to accept - that the relationship is unhappy, unhealthy and over.

You're doing all the emotional labour, literally putting time and energy into her finances... and you already know this isn't a relationship you should be in.

Gently OP, you're going to have to do the hard bit at some point or just exist in this horrible unhappy limbo.

I guess because on the off chance that It's true, this sort of thing really angers me. Whether she's the right person for me or not, it doesn't have bearing on whether she deserves this to happen to her.

And on the flip side, if it isn't true, I'd like to know what's really happened. I am not spending lots of time on it, and I tend to do it while I'm getting paid for it on work time when It's quiet. It's only involved
letters/emails, not a lot of work for me.

She's currently being assessed for something that may explain at least some of the behaviour, but again that's another thread isn't it :(