£900 gone to cryptocurrency company-bank won't refund

[SeriousAlligator]

My partner had two separate amounts go missing from her bank account over a short period of time, to a 'cryptocurrency' company. The bank will not refund. I've written three letters to them advising they're breaking their own policies by not refunding this money (using quotes from their own complaints policy website) as it is an unusual transaction, an unusual amount of money, at 0200 so an unusual time, etc etc.

All their responses have been along the lines of that the transaction required a pin for her internet banking to have been inputted-therefore they think my partner paid this money and is lying.

£900 is a lot of money to anyone, and I just think it is absolutely disgusting. Ombudsman is the next step I guess. Anyone ever been successful with this sort of thing, any advice?

I had a similar thing happen when my card was 'cloned' or such but my bank blocked most of the transactions and refunded me for the ones they hadn't, no problem! I just can't believe how obtuse her bank are being. She's been with them for 20 years!

Well I have now contacted them using the contact form, and verified that the email address is legitimate, before sending them a photograph of her statement showing the transactions going out.

They (coinbase) have told me about 3 times now that I must go through my bank for the refund and each time I have explained that the bank won't do this. I would have thought at the very least, they'd want to know that this has happened for their own security updates, if indeed it is fraud.
Thanks again for everyone's help!

Coinbase won't care because they'll hear 500 variations of this story every day. Crypto's whole model is about taking money for suckers in exchange for magic beans.

I'm amazed at the amount of effort you're putting into this when the answer is so, so obvious.. but kudos for keeping it going

@tfresh They've emailed me back asking for further details now.I always did think that about cryptocurrency, but they're still legitimate companies and I felt they'd not want suspicious transactions tainting their reputation.

Do you think she (my gf) did it, despite her having me do all this? I could easily end up finding out if it were her, by investigating it-that's why I am still not certain it isn't fraudulent.

Thank you-to be fair, I always do it on work time, never my own (naughty perhaps but only when It's quiet).

Tbh I think that while I understand you are more competent doing the letters etc, the fact she's letting you out so much emotional and time energy into this makes her look a bit guilty of being involved in losing this money.

Think about it - does she have enough money that losing £900 isn't an issue?

Because if not, I would be wondering why she's not putting in nearly as much effort as someone else.

@wellhelloitsme no, she doesn't earn a lot at all, however she doesn't have much in the way of outgoings as she lives with her parents. I think she pays something to live there, but it isn't much.

Why do you feel it makes her look guilty?

Because when £900 is a lot of money to you, you're frantic trying to get it back and don't take a back seat while someone else sorts it for you.

If you're being completely, brutally honest with yourself, does she put as much effort into this relationship as you?

I'm not talking her words, I'm talking action. It sounds like you have her on a pedestal and she gets a lot of support from you whereas you perhaps don't get it back and / or have your shit together much more.

As someone who has been the you in that dynamic, it's exhausting and it doesn't change.

OP none of us have a clue. New methods of fraud are invented all the time and it takes years for banks and investigators to catch up. It’s uncomfortable watching everyone trting to persuade you that your girlfriend is lying to you, just because none of us can understand what happened.

Hasn’t happened to me - yet (I do often get texts saying please confirm you want to transfer X, so I guess someone’s trying to steal from me somewhere!) But my colleague did once have money stolen from her account and the bank said it was taken from a cashpoint and that she must have been careless with her pin. She hadn’t been careless with her pin but the bank refused to refund her. Luckily it was only £200 but we were both baffled and sad at how impossible it was to work out what had happened. And I’m confident she wasn’t lying to me as she was a highly competent lawyer and had no reason to make up stories for a random colleague.

@wellhelloitsme Okay I understand-What I don't
understand is why she'd risk me finding out about a lie, if she has lied.
She puts more effort in in some ways and less in others. I don't feel much of an emotional connection which is becoming more and more apparent recently. She doesn't seem much interested in me as a person really either. And if I didn't initiate intimacy she never would.

But she always wants to do things with me, always arranging trips/days out/activities/nights in, always wanting me to be around with her friends and family, wants to be with me all the time. This is a whole other thread isn't it :(
I definitely don't have her on a pedestal though, It's becoming quite the opposite if I am honest.

I get support in some ways, from her. But definitely 'have my shit together more' (I like that one)! .

@charlotteOH that is true. I've uttered that exact phrase while I worked for the police.

She may be lying to me as I've said, I just don't know,as you've said nobody could know really.
I just
began this thread to see if anyone had had a similar experience or any advice :)

Okay I understand-What I don't* understand is why she'd risk me finding out about a lie, if she has lied.*

Because liars take risks. They think you won't think badly of them / call them out etc. Lots of people who cheat say "look at my phone" then have either deleted the evidence of wrongdoing, call you mental and or rely on you mistaking their 'willingness' to be transparent and not actually looking after all. I might be wrong, she might be lovely and not lying. It just makes me wonder.

She puts more effort in in some ways and less in others. I don't feel much of an emotional connection which is becoming more and more apparent recently.

Why do you want to be with someone who you feel no emotional connection with?

She doesn't seem much interested in me as person really either.

Why do you want to be with someone who isn't interested in you as a person?

And if I didn't initiate intimacy she never would.

Why do you want to be with someone who would ever initiate intimacy with you?

But she always wants to do things with me, always arranging trips/days out/activities/nights in, always wanting me to be around with her friends and family, wants to be with me all the time. This is a whole other thread isn't it :(

I'm afraid so :(

I definitely don't have her on a pedestal though, It's becoming quite the opposite if I am honest.

This is good, listen to that self preservation and don't take on the role of resident grown up. It's fucking exhausting isn't it?

I get support in some ways, from her.

Do you though, really? Or do you just get the familiarity and consistency of her presence in your life and the not being alone-ness?

But definitely 'have my shit together more' (I like that one)!

I've been that one before so I know it well!

You sound lovely, caring and if I'm being honest, you sound vulnerable to being taken advantage of.

I may be way off. But it sounds like I might not be.

In which case, you need to prioritise yourself and not get deeper into something where you take on a cared role and she takes on the cared for role.

I do agree with this, that I could be way off and she might be being completely honest.

Just the not being frantic about losing £900 made me wonder as I would be panicking about that kind of money being gone unless I was minted.

And even then I would feel determined to find out what happened rather than allowing a partner to take on the emotional / general effort brunt of sorting it.

But I do agree this might not be the case.

The more OP posts though, the more I suspect this isn't a single issue and there are more potential problematic elements to the dynamic than the original issue.

@wellhelloitsme
I guess it isn't impossible. And I am rather suspicious of anyone nowadays.
We've had problems in this relationship. She's let me down more than a few times, left me feeling very alone in various situations where I'd have appreciated a hand hold or intervention.

We've spoken about this and she's said she's avoiding of emotional situations as she's 'scared she'd be shouted at' etc (I never ever raise my voice, haven't in decades, I am very mild mannered and non-reactive).Then she also will say she avoids anything involving emotions. I honestly don't feel I know her well at all.
She doesn't know me well either, there are many things she's done that I would have felt she would know would upset me if she knew me at all.
The intimacy thing, is making me feel awful to be honest. The rest of it is too, but I never thought feeling undesired could do so much to one's self-esteem.
I have been wanting to start a thread for a while. One of the main reasons I haven't is, well lesbian dynamics are different to straight ones, and I just am not sure a lot of people would know where I were coming from. Another is I just wouldn't know where to start.

She drives everywhere, organises a lot of our trips, makes my
life quite effortless in some ways with things I wouldn't be good at. I don't mean to speak so harshly of her. I only see her every few weeks so it isn't a major consistency.

Her living with her parents is a problem. I refuse to stay there for various reasons meaning we now stay at her sister and sister in law's. Theyre absolutley lovely, but I am a loner who's lived alone and/or independently since I was basically a child. It's exhausting if I am honest!

Just read all your posts.

Forget the crypto. Whether she was scammed or lying doesn't matter. It isn't your problem.

You aren't compatible at all. She sounds very immature and needy. It's not a healthy, grown up, loving and equal relationship.

agree with this OP. Sorry.

@SpacePotato I hear you. You may see a thread from me soon. In what way do you mean 'needy' please?

You say she wants to be with you all the time, around family and friends and day trips etc but at the same time is emotionless and not bothered by intimacy or even arsed about actually getting to know you.

She 'needs' someone to keep her occupied or as a companion on her adventures, but then I suppose you must be a little needy too if you are staying with her when you yourself have said you don't really feel anything for her.

The way you write about her it sounds like there is an big age gap. There may not be, but the difference in maturity levels stands out a mile.

Go find someone else who is as passionate about you as you are of them. Who wants to actually know who you are rather than you be an accessory in their life.

Are you the OP who's girlfriends dad is rude to you when you visit?

@SpacePotato

I understand what you mean now. I am grateful for that definition, I had never thought about 'neediness' in that way, as in wanting me for a companion and company. Maybe that is all it is. In fact, you've reminded me that I have uttered the phrase 'I am your girlfriend, I am not your drinking partner!' to her on more than one occasion. And dont get me wrong, I like to go out for drinks, I am not against drinking-but not allll the time and not in someone I barely know's front room :( I find that very boring and she doesn't even talk to me when we've done that. It's quite damaging now I think about it? How would that make the next person feel I wonder?

I always thought of neediness as in how I am needy, as in I expect an emotional connection and need someone to demonstrate that they care about me, and this is where we have clashed. EG I was involved in a very frightening situation (think man down a dark alley) last year and she didn't shrug when I told her-I'd have been straight on the 'phone if that happened to a friend even.

I used to feel for her a lot. I purposefully shut it off as I were getting shut down all the time and feeling hurt. It's not healthy, I know.

No big age gap, less than 3 years between us (she's older).
@OneForTheRoadThen yes. Apologies for confusion, I am actually rather flattered that you've picked up on that, I guess not many lesbians on this site at all, less so with familiar-sounding problems. I name change and change small details and who people are because it is potentially something folk I've talked to would pick up on. I didn't expect this thread to matter much in that respect however.

Must add though, I haven't stayed there since that incident.

You just need to find the strength now to end it. You are not getting what you need from this relationship.

I know. We've had serious conversations about it. She's admitted she's emotionally unavailable due to previously having had her own emotions dismissed, and told me she has certain anxieties which is why she's reluctant to take me out anywhere other than people's houses. She actually said she'd get some counselling (which she gets free through her work) but hasn't done it, I've brought it up several times but have been met with excuses so have given up now.
It's very sad, as she's a lovely person in many ways. And as an ageing lesbian I think this may be the last time I'll try to gain any sort of relationship. My longest term, most serious one ended in disaster (violence etc).

I'm sorry OP, I realise it sucks even more to be told to leave when it's not the question you were asking.

For some reason I have it in my head you are in your 40s - if that's correct, I also wonder why she lives with her folks. I realise there might be good reasons but I have known a few people who just do it because they aren't independent.

I don't mean this as a cheeky comment...I read some of your posts thinking, I might, possibly, wish that I had a friend who would do as much for me as you seem to do for her. I have had depression and anxiety for 20+ years and just crack on. But your approach makes you ripe for being taken advantage of. I've recently backed off being helpful in general, because I realised it does me no good, in any situation, to be seen as the person who will always help.

Anyway, I hope you're all right.

She just wanted more money to herself and her parents were happy for her to move back in. Her Mum is very 'mumsy' & was delighted, her dad indifferent. She's helped me a LOT with practical things, I have a BTL she's done a lot of work on and she helped me when I moved house, did a lot of the work here, I'm less practical and more academic. I was happy enough to do this 'job' for her.

And yes, both early 40s :)

Hi OP, not sure if this has been resolved even though I RTFT. This happened to me, someone used my bank to transfer themselves money, alike a lot of scam, but to hide it they paid themselves in Bitcoin through Coinbase. Unsurprising considering their problems at the moment. I did not make the transactions and was refunded.