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Original poster

Husband is too proud to let me pay for things

52 replies

Emmagr1 · 26/06/2022 20:25

I earn 50% more than my husband and we share all household bills and expenses. I would like to pool our salaries together but he won't let me. He wants to pay 50/50 because he's a proud man.

Money is tight for him but it's just not me and he won't let me ease the burden. I find ways to ease his financial pressures by buying things for the kids that they need or food shopping that typically go unnoticed, and not use the joint account.

It's now starting to take its toll. I want to replace things in the house that need updating and he can't afford to pay half and won't let me pay for them outright.

I know this is a very fortune situation to be in, and yes it's a 3rd world problem. Just wondered if anyone has this issue and can make any suggestions?

OP posts:
MLMsuperfan · 27/06/2022 06:06

Can he do anything to increase his earnings?

coodawoodashooda · 27/06/2022 06:08

He isn't proud. He's controlling.

KangarooKenny · 27/06/2022 06:28

coodawoodashooda · 27/06/2022 06:08

He isn't proud. He's controlling.

Came on to say the same.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2022 07:28

I also think he sounds controlling. What would he do/say if you just went out and bought new bedding, furniture, curtains, carpets or whatever it is that you're looking to buy? Or is he tight in that he doesn't think you need these things and doesn't want money spent on them?

But if you have enough money as a family, the fairest way would to pool money, pay for all household/DC costs out of the joint pot, and leave the same amount of personal money for each of you. Then it's less overt about who pays for what.

Or if you could do with more money, the answer is surely for him to get a better/second job so you both earn the same? Is that an option?

Does he make non monetary contributions, eg if he does more at home because you work longer hours, then that's also a valid contribution to the household, it doesn't need to be all about money.

Sounds like something needs to change or else in 10/20 years time, you'll find yourself living in a tatty, dated house resenting him for not letting you maintain your home and keep it nice to live in.

coodawoodashooda · 27/06/2022 07:59

Yeah. Is he as bothered when he wants something? My xh was always so concerned about money and savings when I wanted to achieve something. Then when he wanted something I was so encouraged it was a 'good sign' I went all out with enthusiasm and support. Bustard. I'm so relieved to not live like that anymore

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 08:54

MLMsuperfan · 27/06/2022 06:06

Can he do anything to increase his earnings?

We both work full time which is sometimes demanding with two young children. My role is senior to his ,hence the pay increase. We don't have the spare time for him to take on extra hours and have a work life balance.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 09:03

BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2022 07:28

I also think he sounds controlling. What would he do/say if you just went out and bought new bedding, furniture, curtains, carpets or whatever it is that you're looking to buy? Or is he tight in that he doesn't think you need these things and doesn't want money spent on them?

But if you have enough money as a family, the fairest way would to pool money, pay for all household/DC costs out of the joint pot, and leave the same amount of personal money for each of you. Then it's less overt about who pays for what.

Or if you could do with more money, the answer is surely for him to get a better/second job so you both earn the same? Is that an option?

Does he make non monetary contributions, eg if he does more at home because you work longer hours, then that's also a valid contribution to the household, it doesn't need to be all about money.

Sounds like something needs to change or else in 10/20 years time, you'll find yourself living in a tatty, dated house resenting him for not letting you maintain your home and keep it nice to live in.

I agree there is a degree of control or trying to stay in control to manage his finances. He wants to pay the mortgage off early, which we are on track to do and everything else is very much secondary.

If I bought something for the house he would have a strop, because he believes big purchases are joint decisions.

He does this fair share around the house. He likes to be equals and I guess that's the problem.

I am younger than him and career minded. He's had his fingers burnt a few times in his career and now he's not career minded at all. He could push to earn more, he just doesn't want the responsibility. He's also not very good a managing stressful situations.

We have a nice house but we bought it to be renovated. We've managed most in the last 7 years but there is still a lot to do. I want to push on and get it right and I am faced with resistance.

OP posts:
Wombat27A · 27/06/2022 09:10

It's misogyny.

It's only going to get worse. Watch for sabotage.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2022 09:30

If I bought something for the house he would have a strop, because he believes big purchases are joint decisions

But surely he must accept that he doesn't always get a veto? Or that all your spare money has to go on overpaying the mortgage, which is a good aim, but not in favour of everything else, especially as you want to finish off renovating your house.

You're happy to pay for the work yourself out of your larger salary. Plus as the higher earner, it's fair that you pay more of household costs, whatever it goes on.

So I don't really see how he gets a say in it and certainly not to the extent that he won't allow anything to be bought or done?

After all, you haven't had a say in him choosing not to push himself at work, taking the less stressful option and consequential lower salary.

coodawoodashooda · 27/06/2022 12:35

Yeah maybe you should get a say in him pushing himself for promotion to increase your finances?

coconuthead · 27/06/2022 17:39

His lower earnings are a red herring I think.

I agree he's controlling things by saying he can't/won't pay half therefore you don't get the things you quite rightly want to purchase.

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 17:48

So, if the roles were reversed, and he earned more than you - would he accept you "not allowing him" to buy items such as curtains etc because you couldn't afford to contribute half?

dudsville · 27/06/2022 17:52

"Proud" in this context isn't what it means most days. This isn't about self esteem, this is most definitely an unsavoury misogynistic quality. Don't pander. If he can't take pride in your family's wellbeing and nice home that you can provide that's not a nice quality.

MadMadMadamMim · 27/06/2022 17:56

I came to say misogynistic.

I wouldn't be 'controlled' like this. He would be welcome to pay for 50% of mortgage/bills/food etc - but if told that I couldn't renovate/decorate my hallway because he couldn't afford to/didn't want to pay half I'd be raising an eyebrow and telling him that I was paying for it and was going ahead anyway.

I'd be extremely annoyed to be told I couldn't spend MY excess money in the way I wanted to as it hit his 'pride'. Tell him to apply for a more senior position if he doesn't like the fact that you out-earn him.

WeAreBob · 27/06/2022 18:00

You earn enough to enjoy your life and have nice things and fizz your home.

He wont let you.

If you actually wont just go ahead and do it then he is controlling and he has you controlled enough that you wont just tell him "no, stop being a mysoginistic prick and lets just fix the bloody house."

That's a frightening position to hear you're in. He has full control over your own spending, control over your choices in your own home.

This is not OK.

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:01

coodawoodashooda · 27/06/2022 12:35

Yeah maybe you should get a say in him pushing himself for promotion to increase your finances?

He's just not interested anymore and wants to pay the mortgage off so he can take redundancy if it's ever offered.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:02

coconuthead · 27/06/2022 17:39

His lower earnings are a red herring I think.

I agree he's controlling things by saying he can't/won't pay half therefore you don't get the things you quite rightly want to purchase.

I agree his lower earnings are the red herring. We were once on equal pay and now we're not and it's tiring!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:05

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 17:48

So, if the roles were reversed, and he earned more than you - would he accept you "not allowing him" to buy items such as curtains etc because you couldn't afford to contribute half?

He would be quite happy made do with not replacing things that need updating. He just wouldn't think twice about decorating or furniture.

He's more about life experiences and holidays, which we have plenty of and he's willing to contribute to without issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:09

MadMadMadamMim · 27/06/2022 17:56

I came to say misogynistic.

I wouldn't be 'controlled' like this. He would be welcome to pay for 50% of mortgage/bills/food etc - but if told that I couldn't renovate/decorate my hallway because he couldn't afford to/didn't want to pay half I'd be raising an eyebrow and telling him that I was paying for it and was going ahead anyway.

I'd be extremely annoyed to be told I couldn't spend MY excess money in the way I wanted to as it hit his 'pride'. Tell him to apply for a more senior position if he doesn't like the fact that you out-earn him.

You are right and I buy things for the house all the time with my money. It's more the big things like I want a new dining table and patio furniture.

He would definitely have something to say if started paying out £100's or £1,000's of pounds.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:12

WeAreBob · 27/06/2022 18:00

You earn enough to enjoy your life and have nice things and fizz your home.

He wont let you.

If you actually wont just go ahead and do it then he is controlling and he has you controlled enough that you wont just tell him "no, stop being a mysoginistic prick and lets just fix the bloody house."

That's a frightening position to hear you're in. He has full control over your own spending, control over your choices in your own home.

This is not OK.

I can't judge him for not wanting to spend money he hasn't got. I find that rather admirable. Others would just run up debt to save face.

What I can't understand is why he can't accept not everything has to be 50/50 100% of the time.

OP posts:
Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 18:12

OK so let's imagine it's a holiday, and let's imagine you earn what he does, and he earns what you do.

He wants to go on holiday. You can't afford 50%. So you say, in that case, no one can go, because we need to be able to afford it equally.

Would he accept you constraining his spending, under the justification of supposed equality, in the scenario that the roles were reversed?

Hillrunning · 27/06/2022 18:17

I don't really understand his logic. So say you got the mortgage paid off early (presumably through you contributing more to it than him?) And he takes redundancy, then what? Is he going to retire? How will he pay equally to things then?

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:19

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 18:12

OK so let's imagine it's a holiday, and let's imagine you earn what he does, and he earns what you do.

He wants to go on holiday. You can't afford 50%. So you say, in that case, no one can go, because we need to be able to afford it equally.

Would he accept you constraining his spending, under the justification of supposed equality, in the scenario that the roles were reversed?

You are totally right. About 5 year ago he wanted me and DS to go to Tokyo to support him in a marathon. I refused over the expense of the flights at the time and he paid for it. It's the same principle.

OP posts:
Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 18:29

If I bought something for the house he would have a strop, because he believes big purchases are joint decisions.

So this only works one way then, doesn't it.

I think you need to have a very serious chat. On a related note, I find it bizarre you don't have the concept of family money, in a house with DC. As PPs say, what happens if one of you has to stop working? What happened when you were on mat leave? Just pay everything into the joint account, then discuss any big decisions as needed. That will soon reveal that it's not about the 50/50, he just doesn't want to spend the money on the house.

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:33

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 18:29

If I bought something for the house he would have a strop, because he believes big purchases are joint decisions.

So this only works one way then, doesn't it.

I think you need to have a very serious chat. On a related note, I find it bizarre you don't have the concept of family money, in a house with DC. As PPs say, what happens if one of you has to stop working? What happened when you were on mat leave? Just pay everything into the joint account, then discuss any big decisions as needed. That will soon reveal that it's not about the 50/50, he just doesn't want to spend the money on the house.

I don't disagree with your here but he wants everything paid 50/50. Maternity leave was different as I didn't have that much money and if he got made redundant he said he'd accept my help then.

I find it hard to deal with the fact finances are segregated. I do wonder what it would be like if I didn't earn much at all.

OP posts: