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Original poster

Husband is too proud to let me pay for things

52 replies

Emmagr1 · 26/06/2022 20:25

I earn 50% more than my husband and we share all household bills and expenses. I would like to pool our salaries together but he won't let me. He wants to pay 50/50 because he's a proud man.

Money is tight for him but it's just not me and he won't let me ease the burden. I find ways to ease his financial pressures by buying things for the kids that they need or food shopping that typically go unnoticed, and not use the joint account.

It's now starting to take its toll. I want to replace things in the house that need updating and he can't afford to pay half and won't let me pay for them outright.

I know this is a very fortune situation to be in, and yes it's a 3rd world problem. Just wondered if anyone has this issue and can make any suggestions?

OP posts:
MamaNolan · 27/06/2022 18:34

I earn more than my husband but we just put a proportional amount into the bills account and it leave us with similar disposable income and if we are saving for holidays etc I just put the extra to one side. We have been married 3 and half years, lived together for 8 and never had any disagreements about money! It's a partnership not a competition!

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:36

MamaNolan · 27/06/2022 18:34

I earn more than my husband but we just put a proportional amount into the bills account and it leave us with similar disposable income and if we are saving for holidays etc I just put the extra to one side. We have been married 3 and half years, lived together for 8 and never had any disagreements about money! It's a partnership not a competition!

I agree it's a partnership and we are for all other things. It was all fine when we were financial equals but he wants to pay half of everything.

OP posts:
treesandweeds · 27/06/2022 18:40

No, he doesn't want to pay half of everything. He wants to pay half of the things he is in agreement with. There's a big difference.

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:43

treesandweeds · 27/06/2022 18:40

No, he doesn't want to pay half of everything. He wants to pay half of the things he is in agreement with. There's a big difference.

So do I just buy what I want with my money and deal with the bother afterwards and hope he gets the message?

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2022 18:50

Yes. Or you can start vetoing holidays so he can see what it feels like. After all, you discuss and agree (or not) all big expenses in your house, don't you?

At the moment it sounds like he gets his way all the time and only you are doing without the things you want.

Holidays can be incredibly expensive. How much did the Tokyo trip cost? You'd be able to buy a new dining table, patio furniture and probably all sorts of other things for the price of a fairly standard holiday like a week in the Med for a family in the school holidays.

How about taking the amount of money available for things for the house and holidays and splitting it 50/50? Half goes on house stuff and half on holidays? You don't get to spend all on one and none on the other.

Kangaruby · 27/06/2022 18:51

Absolutely buy what you want and then ignore him. His attitude is controlling.

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 18:51

Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:33

I don't disagree with your here but he wants everything paid 50/50. Maternity leave was different as I didn't have that much money and if he got made redundant he said he'd accept my help then.

I find it hard to deal with the fact finances are segregated. I do wonder what it would be like if I didn't earn much at all.

Show quote history

He wants everything 50/50.

What about what you want?

In what context are you sitting down and talking to him about this? As married couple, how you manage finances is a hugely important topic. You'd like to change things. So you need to have a discussion about that - generally - not at the point when you're arguing about a specific purchase. What does he say when you raise the topic at a neutral point in time?

heymammy · 27/06/2022 18:53

It sounds like he's hankering for early retirement via taking voluntary redundancy, he doesn't want you to spend anything as you'll need to support him to not work.

Floella22 · 27/06/2022 18:58

So do I just buy what I want with my money and deal with the bother afterwards and hope he gets the message?

I would discuss that you need a dining table and you’ve seen one that’s suitable. At this point your dh says no.
You counter saying you’re willing to forgo a holiday for the table and if he still wants the holiday then you will go ahead and buy the table with your money.

Initially he will have a strop but until you have seen what form it takes you can’t decide how to deal with it.

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 18:58

heymammy · 27/06/2022 18:53

It sounds like he's hankering for early retirement via taking voluntary redundancy, he doesn't want you to spend anything as you'll need to support him to not work.

He wants redundancy yes and a simple life, but he's a grafter and would get another job. Worries are that he'd take a job with less money and less demanding of him.

We'd be very fortunate if he got made redundant as he'd get a decent pay out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:00

Floella22 · 27/06/2022 18:58

So do I just buy what I want with my money and deal with the bother afterwards and hope he gets the message?

I would discuss that you need a dining table and you’ve seen one that’s suitable. At this point your dh says no.
You counter saying you’re willing to forgo a holiday for the table and if he still wants the holiday then you will go ahead and buy the table with your money.

Initially he will have a strop but until you have seen what form it takes you can’t decide how to deal with it.

I've pointed one out to him and he's not saying no so far. Perhaps preserving is the key!

OP posts:
Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 19:00

So what happens to his redundancy payout? Would that be "his" money or family money?

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:02

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 19:00

So what happens to his redundancy payout? Would that be "his" money or family money?

His I suspect. Not asked the question.

OP posts:
TokyoTen · 27/06/2022 19:06

I'm in the same situation as you as I earn a lot more than DP. We have a joint account for bills/mortgage/kids stuff etc but anything else I want in terms of the house or holidays for us all I just run it past him and buy it! DP then enjoys it the same as me and the kids - it doesn't matter who bought it. It's not the case that your DH is "proud" he is controlling, end of. What does he bring to the relationship in other ways or is this a theme in your relationship with him?

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 19:12

Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:02

His I suspect. Not asked the question.

Show quote history

In which case the balance of power would shift quite a bit, no?

You want a new dining room table, he has the funds but can now say yes OR no.

He wants to fly to Tokyo, he can, easily.

I think you need to sort this out before you get to this point.

I presume there's no use pointing out that in the eyes of the law all your marital assets are jointly owned so his insistence on keeping things separate actually only exists in his own head anyway 🙄

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:17

TokyoTen · 27/06/2022 19:06

I'm in the same situation as you as I earn a lot more than DP. We have a joint account for bills/mortgage/kids stuff etc but anything else I want in terms of the house or holidays for us all I just run it past him and buy it! DP then enjoys it the same as me and the kids - it doesn't matter who bought it. It's not the case that your DH is "proud" he is controlling, end of. What does he bring to the relationship in other ways or is this a theme in your relationship with him?

He's great with everything else. House work and looking after the kids. He is selfish with his social time and likes the gym and arranging activities for the weekends with friends. He has got better at that and we spend the weekends as a family most of time now.

He's rather set in his ways and probably sees me controlling our home life, which I think he's fine with. He is naturally laid back.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2022 19:17

Why is he getting the final say of anything / everything that goes on in your house?

HE wants to overpay the mortgage.
HE wants to spend on experiences.
HE wants a low paid job and a stress free life.
HE doesn't want to spend on furnishings.
HE wants to retire early.

What about what you want?

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:24

arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2022 19:17

Why is he getting the final say of anything / everything that goes on in your house?

HE wants to overpay the mortgage.
HE wants to spend on experiences.
HE wants a low paid job and a stress free life.
HE doesn't want to spend on furnishings.
HE wants to retire early.

What about what you want?

I want my home to be how I want it. I work from home so I'm there a lot, as is he.

I keep looking at things that need replacing and fixing and it gets me down.

Problem is I can afford to overpay the mortgage and do what I want with the house, but he can't. That's the dilemma I face Angry

OP posts:
Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 19:38

Problem is I can afford to overpay the mortgage and do what I want with the house, but he can't. That's the dilemma I face

That's not your dilemma.

Your dilemma is that you're living your life according to a set of rules that your husband has unilaterally imposed, but that you don't agree with. And (I sense) you are afraid of the fallout if you confront him about it.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/06/2022 19:41

If he's insistent on 50/50 and only buying certain things and you earn more, you must have savings?

So spend those savings on the things for your home that you want. He's already getting the mortgage overpayments, holidays and easier lower stress job that he wants.

So why can't you have the one thing that you want, the nice things in your home that you can afford to pay for? Just spend your money on these things.

If he moans, remind him about how he gets his own way about quite a lot of things and this is something for you. Ask him why he doesn't want you to be happy too.

Minimalme · 27/06/2022 19:47

Right so big purchases are a joint thing, but except when he gets to say no?

He really is controlling op. It's fine if he wants to go without but he is forcing you and your kids to go without too.

He doesn't sound very pleasant.

Original poster
Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:48

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 19:38

Problem is I can afford to overpay the mortgage and do what I want with the house, but he can't. That's the dilemma I face

That's not your dilemma.

Your dilemma is that you're living your life according to a set of rules that your husband has unilaterally imposed, but that you don't agree with. And (I sense) you are afraid of the fallout if you confront him about it.

Part of me worries if I push him too hard that it will get him down. I made him cry when times were hard over covid lockdown and I don't want to see him like that again.

Part of me thinks he's controlling and part of me just thinks he wants to pay his way in life and it's ingrained in his upbringing.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 27/06/2022 19:49

Take off your rose tinted spectacles op. You might see a solution to your dilemma.

coodawoodashooda · 27/06/2022 19:56

Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:48

Part of me worries if I push him too hard that it will get him down. I made him cry when times were hard over covid lockdown and I don't want to see him like that again.

Part of me thinks he's controlling and part of me just thinks he wants to pay his way in life and it's ingrained in his upbringing.

Show quote history

'You made him cry' or 'he shut your attempt at communication down by playing the martyr'? Next thing you'll be posting about how you've lost touch with everyone because your house is such a shit hole and you stopped inviting people round. By then he will have had his redundancy and I bet he has no problem spending your income then.

Stiltonlover · 27/06/2022 22:06

Emmagr1 · 27/06/2022 19:48

Part of me worries if I push him too hard that it will get him down. I made him cry when times were hard over covid lockdown and I don't want to see him like that again.

Part of me thinks he's controlling and part of me just thinks he wants to pay his way in life and it's ingrained in his upbringing.

Show quote history

It's all about him, though isn't it? Nothing here about the effect this has on you.

You don't say what happened to upset him during lockdown. But it's interesting you think of having a rational conversation about how you run your marital finances as "pushing him" and you risk upsetting him by having such a simple conversation.

He is, consciously or unconsciously, using this fear to control you.

Part of me thinks he's controlling and part of me just thinks he wants to pay his way in life and it's ingrained in his upbringing. I mean these are two sides of the same coin, aren't they? He doesn't have to be an evil genius plotting how to control you. He might just have a modus operandi engrained into him (which means he needs to control you). But the effect of both is the same.

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