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Money matters

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Original poster

My partner lies to me about his debt etc

85 replies

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:12

Otherwise he is the most lovely, loyal husband and I know he will be a great dad to our child.

He is rubbish with money. I knew he was in debt when we got together 4.5 years ago and he never used to discuss it at all- he's very much a bury his head in the sand type guy. I have sat him down and worked things out with him so many times! I used to be terrible too and worked hard to get myself out of debt so I know a lot about it. But he never follows through with the plan. And is in the same situation. Loads of debts, defaulted and paying minimum £5 a month to some of them.

We sat down a few nights ago to sort things out again, we are expecting a child in September. We will have pots of money for each shared budget in a joint account. Then our own spending money. I have offered to combine our money and help him pay off his debts whilst we save. I earn slightly more than him, but obviously this will change when we have the baby, so I don't mind.

I asked him if he was completely honest. Today I opened a letter (I know- wrong!) and he has missed two payments. I knew there were more and he fessed up to two more before I would tell him what debt this was.
I think I know what your answers will be and I am scared.
But what should I do with him?! He says it will be different this time because our money is in a joint account now. And he will cut his cards up once we've paid them off.
Help!

OP posts:

SarahJessicaParker3 · 26/01/2022 17:15

Yikes! I don't know what to suggest really. I know some women who used to handle all finances and just give their husbands pocket money! Sounds drastic, but maybe? I think since you're married, you need to find out exactly how much debt he is in.

Eloraa · 26/01/2022 17:16

You knew he was bad with money, you’ve tried many times to sort it, but. Nothing has changed.

Nothing will change now, obviously.

You are insane to pool money with him.

TrufflesAndToast · 26/01/2022 17:17

Tying yourself financially to him is a recipe for complete disaster. He won’t change and you know it, he will just spend your money and drag you down with him. If you weren’t having a baby I would say run a mile. As you are already having a baby I would ensure you keep everything absolutely separate and ensure you can support yourself and your baby without him because it is highly likely to come to that. You sound like you’re planning to reduce your hours or give up work - sorry but you would be insane to do that. You don’t have a responsible or solvent partner to fund you.

Part of being a great dad is being a responsible adult who pulls his weight in supporting his family. A big part. I would very much rethink the first part of your post if I were you!

GrazingSheep · 26/01/2022 17:18

Stop paying into the joint account. Keep your own money safe from him.

TrufflesAndToast · 26/01/2022 17:18

Are you married? If not, don’t get married. If you are I would seriously consider formalising a separation before he destroys you financially as well. Your child needs at least one responsible parent who is able to put their needs first.

GrazingSheep · 26/01/2022 17:19

He can cut up the cards now
He doesn’t have to wait

MrsSquirrel · 26/01/2022 17:23

He lied to you. You don't trust him and rightly so.

Santahasjoinedww · 26/01/2022 17:25

My dh was similar. We have separate finances.. Actually opened a letter I thought was mine and he is at the end of his overdraft yet again. Will be mentioning it later..

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:25

COVID got in the way of our wedding so we're not technically married (we had a hand fasting ceremony).

We do not have a formal joint account (I do not want to be associated with him yet) we are using a revolut account for our shared budgets which we both have access to.

We do not own a home and are saving for a deposit. I guess I hope if we repay his debts quicker we will be able to apply for a mortgage sooner.

I don't know what to do with him!!!!

OP posts:

RedskyThisNight · 26/01/2022 17:25

I couldn't be with someone who had a debt problem, let alone someone who lies about it, so I would be running a mile. Definitely before intermeshing our finances any further.

I appreciate this might not be something you wish to do, but I'd also be rethinking whether I wanted to have his child.

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:28

@Santahasjoinedww sorry you're going through the same thing! I hope you're conversation is calmer than mine- I lost it 🤦🏼‍♀️ x

OP posts:

AntoinetteCosway · 26/01/2022 17:29

Oh my God, don't have joint finances with him - it'll ruin your own credit.

L40Postcode · 26/01/2022 17:29

It’s fantastic news that you’re not married to him.

Do not get any kind of joint account or mortgage with him.

You are in this relationship with your eyes wide open, he’s terrible with money and a liar to boot and you know this so anything you do financially going forward with him, is in the full knowledge of this.

You would have to be insane to tie yourself to him financially or otherwise.

Santahasjoinedww · 26/01/2022 17:34

Since Covid hit and I was with dh ALL THE FRIGGIN TIME is it apparent he has some undiagnosed disorder... Dealing with money can be associated with autism.. I work for a woman diagnosed in her 40 's and the similarities are shockingly apparent.
*disclaimer I am not a Dr... Just an observant dw/dm.

pinkyredrose · 26/01/2022 17:38

Why is he missing payments?

TheChemicalMother · 26/01/2022 17:39

I think your only hope is to be utterly brutal with him and tell him that unless he allows you to manage his money he cannot be a good enough father.

It’s great that you are saving towards a deposit… but that is fantasyland at present. His credit rating will preclude you getting a mortgage.

I would tell him that being jointly responsible (with you) for a secure roof over your baby’s head is the basic fatherhood priority.

That he cuts up all his cards and hands over his entire salary to you every month, and gives you access to all his online accounts

Then work out how much he needs to put towards shared household expenses, how much to debt repayment, and then give him his spending allowance on a cash card. Pay the household bills, pay his repayments.

There is NO way I would put a penny of my money into an account to which he has access!

What does he spend his money on, instead of meeting his repayments?

Loveisthere · 26/01/2022 17:41

Op do you know why he is in debt. Is he gambling or drinking too much spending money on every day expenses. I could not put up with this type of behaviour it will drag you down I would leave him now

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:42

@pinkyredrose he said he told me he didn't have enough to save this month after Christmas. I vaguely remember him saying something but it was very brief and I just said it was really important to keep our savings regular. I probably assumed he would just squander whatever extra money he had and didn't take much notice. He tried to blame me today, but eventually backed down when I said I would have made sure he had the money if he told me it was payments he couldn't make. He knows this!

OP posts:

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:44

He earns £50k a year, pays £400 towards his debts and £500 into savings. He should not be in this situation. It's so stressful. Not great at any time particularly during the early stages of pregnancy!

OP posts:

AluckyEllie · 26/01/2022 17:44

You set him an ultimatum. He hands over control of his money to you until the debt is paid. You have separate accounts for at least the next five years. Think of your child- holidays getting cancelled because ‘daddy spent the holiday fund again.’ Or you having to work loads of overtime because he can’t afford the mortgage repayments. Ridiculous

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:50

@AluckyEllie do you think I need to do more then having the majority of our money in this shared account? (not in joint names- it's the only way we could have a joint account without being financially associated with each other). He will just pay his bills and have £300 a month to spend - everything else will be in this 'joint account'. The savings are in my name.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 26/01/2022 17:53

I was your DH
I lied and lied and got us into debt, then more debt, then came clean to DH who bailed me out.
Then I did it all again - rinse and repeat for many many years. I nearly lost us everything.
However, I don’t have any debts now other than the mortgage and don’t use credit cards. The only account I have is a joint one that DH can also see. I actually have a brilliant credit score now and get offered loans and credit cards all the time (also a high earner) and while I genuinely think I would never do it again we make sure I don’t have the chance to.
This is not about you or your relationship, he probably really loves you and will be a great Dad in many ways - I adore DH and the DC but it didn’t stop me risking our home and much more.
IF you feel you want to continue in this relationship you can’t trust what he says, only what you can see and if he won’t give you total transparency then it can never work

WhoAre · 26/01/2022 17:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 17:58

@Hoppinggreen thank you for such an honest post. That's really helpful! I am away this weekend and have told him I want him to get statements for everything he owes. And also put in his expenses which I have been asking him to do for 7-8 months!! It's worth £2k - like he can afford to lose that money 🤦🏼‍♀️ honestly I despair!!

Really great advice on here, thanks all. I think I will take more control. Keep an eye on his Mail. And perhaps we don't get married until I notice significant improvements x

OP posts:

Original poster

mummysept22 · 26/01/2022 18:04

@WhoAre we got into bad habits- eating out and takeaways etc. We've knocked that on the head now. I'm not the best with money but have paid off all my debts and have saved a chunk for maternity leave and deposit. He just fritters it away on crap! I had to ban him from amazon at one point.

OP posts:

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