My partner lies to me about his debt etc

[mummysept22]

Otherwise he is the most lovely, loyal husband and I know he will be a great dad to our child.

He is rubbish with money. I knew he was in debt when we got together 4.5 years ago and he never used to discuss it at all- he's very much a bury his head in the sand type guy. I have sat him down and worked things out with him so many times! I used to be terrible too and worked hard to get myself out of debt so I know a lot about it. But he never follows through with the plan. And is in the same situation. Loads of debts, defaulted and paying minimum £5 a month to some of them.

We sat down a few nights ago to sort things out again, we are expecting a child in September. We will have pots of money for each shared budget in a joint account. Then our own spending money. I have offered to combine our money and help him pay off his debts whilst we save. I earn slightly more than him, but obviously this will change when we have the baby, so I don't mind.

I asked him if he was completely honest. Today I opened a letter (I know- wrong!) and he has missed two payments. I knew there were more and he fessed up to two more before I would tell him what debt this was.
I think I know what your answers will be and I am scared.
But what should I do with him?! He says it will be different this time because our money is in a joint account now. And he will cut his cards up once we've paid them off.
Help!

Why does he need £300 spends? And why is he paying more into savings than on his debt? That mashes no sense at all, debt should be the first thing to tackle. He could be paying an extra £800 a month towards his debt, the interest hes paying must be astronomical!

I think you'd both benefit from some independent financial advice. Have a look at Martin Lewis' website for a start.

Makes no sense not mashes no sense!

@pinkyredrose most of his debts have gone past the point of interest unfortunately. So we are paying off all those with interest over the next few months then saving for baby/deposit. He said he is going to ask his dad for a loan to pay his debts x

@pinkyredrose £300 for lunches at work, drinks out etc. We have each given ourselves £300. Do you think that's too much? Neither of us are gréât at budgeting tbh x

Where is his money going, does he gamble?

@user1493494961 no I asked him this yesterday. I think it's just bad habits and not having a budget. If he wants something he'll just buy it. Eating out/takeaways etc. We've both been bad to be honest - he just can't rein it in!!

Oh Jesus. Odd what we will put up with isn't it. I would care far less about a partner shagging someone else than putting my financial security and the future of my children at risk. For me this would be an instant walk. But that's because I grew up with a father who was actually worse than this financially and it was indescribably awful and marked all of us. My brother has just had some therapy about what my dad put him through with money, and my brother is 60 years old - he's carried that shit all these years. My dad died still in debt and talking to scammers.

I think the choice to take total control as a pp said is there, but he's an adult. Tbh history suggests he will just take out another loan without telling you.

I'd walk now. Sorry but I would. I'd consider keeping him as a fun boyfriend who lived elsewhere but not at the sane address as me. And never lend him a single penny.

'We've both been bad' - he's lied to you. What's his pension like? Whats yours like?

Yes I think that's way too much spends! He has serious debts to pay he can't afford to go out drinking. Bring food from home, don't waste money buying lunches out.

You're both frittering away money. He needs to take control of his debts not run to his dad. How does he propose to pay his Dad back assuming he lends the money?

He's been very foolish, he earns well, he can sort this out by being proactive. Honestly you both need a serious financial health check.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/loans/debt-help-plan/

Check out this website, lots of good advice there. You can't carry on like this.

You'd both benefit from an independent financial advisor session, check with the Citizens Advice Bureau for ones in your area. It will only work if your DH is totally transparent about where his money goes and what he owes.

Don't think about a mortgage yet, get this under control first.

If I were you I’d do the following :

• Get him to talk to stepchange. If he’s defaulting then his credit rating is ducked anyway. Might as well get a DMP sorted and at least the interest will stop accruing.
• pay down the debt before putting money into savings. Ideally he needs a buffer of a few months salary, for emergencies, then plough everything else into paying off the debt (make sure the savings are in place before talking to stepchange)
• put the savings somewhere he can’t get at them
• think about him going to Debtors Anonymous

@pinkyredrose Earlier this week we sat down and worked out a proper budget but I've taken what you've said on board and £300 is too much thinking about it. I think we wanted to start gently and not set ourselves up for failure but we don't have the luxury of time so you are right. Thank you!!

@FloatyBoaty He's not defaulted for 2.5 years. He has payment plans set up with most of his debts and we are paying down those with interest over the next few months.

“I asked him if he was completely honest. Today I opened a letter (I know- wrong!) and he has missed two payments. I knew there were more and he fessed up to two more before I would tell him what debt this was.”

He’s missed two payments.
He’s defaulting again.

If he earns £50k and you earn a bit more, you shouldn’t have to be livjng like this.

Never mind Handfasting and the like, the best promise you can make to each other, and most importantly to your new little baby, is to get a grip on your financial security.

Be the grown up. Stop throwing your hands up in the air with your ‘what can I do with him?’ and focus you both on getting this sorted. If he won’t let you take charge, he doesn’t actually care.

And here’s a thought: on over £50k, even tho’ you will lose a % of your Child Benefit, you can financially support your child alone. By which I mean you are not trapped. You can afford to leave him.

Seriously: money he wasted is like theft from his child. Does that sound like a great Daf?

Take it from one who knows.

Don’t tie yourself to him financially.

You’ve asked him to be honest and still he lies.

I always thought lying was the worst bit. And it is. Although being liable for 50k came close.

You both definitely need help.

Contacts stepchange to sort out debt repayments and he needs to stick to it.

Cut up the cards now.

He needs to know how serious this is for you - is it a deal-breaker?

£300 is a lot of spends for someone in debt - is it just for frivolities? If so, I'd be cutting that right down. Also, I'd be redirecting his savings to the debt to pay them off sooner.

He won't be buying a house with you any time soon, his credit rating will be shot to pieces.

If mine was lying to me about it, I'm not sure if be able to get past the deceit.

My husband is generally not brilliant with money. Before me, he had debt problems (twice), but he's kept his nose clean since then. He's not great with budgets etc, but I run the household expenses etc and just keep him informed really, as a 'discussion' but he just agrees with me - he trusts my judgement.

His defaults are now in the past and we have a joint mortgage and his credit rating is back to good.

So, finances wise, there's light at the end of the tunnel, but he needs to be really honest, seek professional help and stick to the plan.

How do you feel about it? You're clearly exasperated but what about the lying?

We do not own a home and are saving for a deposit. I guess I hope if we repay his debts quicker we will be able to apply for a mortgage sooner.

His credit score will be through the floor with debts, defaults and missed payments.
Every default will be with him for 6 years even if it's been paid off, likely preventing any successful app.

He needs to hand over control of his finances to you. I'd be telling him that if he refused, you'd seriously consider leaving him.

Go through every statement and letter and make a list of all his debts, the balance and whether open or defaulted. Then check all 3 credit reference agencies and match the defaulted and open credit accounts up to your list, making sure you haven't missed any. And ask him about any debts to family or friends.

Call every company and set up a payment for the minimum they'll accept.

Then make a list of every debt, lowest to highest by amount. Forget about interest rates - when you're drowning in debt you need the successes of paying something off to keep going.

Start with the smallest and pay every spare penny to it until its gone. Then onto the next biggest then the next.

If they're open accounts, just pay them. If they're already defaulted, save up first then call them and haggle for a full and final settlement offer - tell them you just won £x on a scratchcard, it's a one off and you can either pay it to them if they'll accept it as a full and final payment or keep paying them a fiver a month. With most companies any offer above 50% of the balance will be seriously considered.

Its a long road but take it from someone who's been there, its very worth it in the end.

@Eileen101 thank you that's really helpful!! I'm just so fed up with it. He's so amazing in many other ways and I know he loves me. I've been so understanding with this so I just don't understand why he isn't honest and open with me?

It scares me that we don't have a huge amount of savings (i have about £16k) but I you're right, we're not going to get a joint mortgage for years so he should just pay off his debt and not save. It's just difficult to not see that number go up!

I just want to feel safe and secure. 😢

Do you really want to spend the rest of your life having to police his spending habits & manage the finances?

It's like having another child.

You have years of nursery fees ahead. If you can't manage now, it's only going to get worse.

@SeeminglyOblivious I sat down with him over a year ago and gave him this exact plan and he didn't stick to it 😭 he didn't do anything.

I haven't been able to speak to him since we discussed this, I am so upset and angry. I will talk to him after dinner and tell him I am now controlling everything, his 'pocket money' is being cut and we're not getting married until he's sorted. Thank you all for your advice. I knew what I had to do- you just need support sometimes. X

If your goal is to buy a house and to feel (financially) safe and secure, it's not going to happen with this guy. Sorry. Make your plans accordingly; the only person you cam rely on in this is yourself. You're about to enter the financial hurricane that is the small baby years and he is already undermining that. Think of him as a decorative extra in your life.

Otherwise he is the most lovely, loyal husband and I know he will be a great dad to our child.

Except for keeping secrets, being irresponsible, trying to blame you (your words) for his behaviour, not being arsed to even put in for expenses owed despite knowing he's in the shit financially and 'frittering away money on shit from Amazon.'

He doesn't sound that nice and he doesn't sound responsible or able to put other people at first when necessary... a pretty important attribute for a 'great dad' tbh.

As PP said, if feeling financially secure is important to you (as it should be) then being with a bloke like this is usually death by a thousand cuts.

It's not kind, loving or fair to be so irresponsible with money that you lie, gaslight and blame your partner. He does all that to you.