Anxiety is starting to spiral. Best budgeting advice please?

[Needanewadventure2021]

Hi

I really dont want to make a big deal out of it as an awful lot of us will now be feeling the same way. However my anxieties over financial worries is starting to cripple me. I'm scared, I'm upset alot and I'm losing sleep worrying how I'm meant to manage.

I am single parent working 30 hours a week around my 7 Yr old DS. I have tried working full time but im actually on near the same income now as I was working more hours (as had to pay for childcare and lost tax credits). My net income a month is just under 1100. I then get topped up by tax credits. I also receive CB and maintenance, however despite it being via a DoE maintenance is intermittent so its hard to count that as guaranteed, and the CMS have been very unhelpful and never seem to be on my side.

My outgoings have already been stripped back. Sim only phone, no TV contracts, cheap broadband of 20 a month, 12 plate car paid off. Remortgaged to a better deal. Energy is crippling me. Cheapest deal was a 48 percent increase which come as a shock as I have never ever used more that my monthly DD and have always been in credit. Now the usage is being used up by my monthly payment and I am now scared to put the heating on over the winter! (Not extra units being used than normal). I cant see how I can drop any other outgoings as they are your main ones they everyone will need. I get the single occupancy discount on my CT too. I also repay the exs debt still that he ran up in my name. This has been shifted to 0 percent over 27 months which has given me abit of breathing space.

I've lived in my home 10 years. I am mortgaged. I should be able to live fine. It's making me feel like a really crappy mom. My Ds clubs have all been stopped. We don't have days out. Even though I work I am poor! And I am regularly mocked for not having a life. I cant bloody afford one!

I have had a benefit check and already receive everything I am entitled to. A move to UC doesn't work out well for me and is a big decrease on tax credits.

I hate all this worrying.

I'm looking for better paid work. Ideally with some work from home involved so I can work around my Ds as much as I can. Family are unable to help and he has no contact with his Dad. I feel a better paid job now is my only real option. I'm good at what I do but it will never pay more than I am currently on. I also want more from my career.

Does anyone have any good budgeting tips please? For example I was thinking once DDs are all paid maybe I could withdraw cash and use cash envelopes per week so be more mindful when I food shop. I am pretty good really and ive managed to cut the bill down well but its easy to scan my debit card isn't it.

Sorry for rambling. I just think today has been a hard day. Though my DS dad is absent by his choice he seems to have landed on his feet. Lots of travel, nights out, flying lessons and recently enrolled as a mature student at Uni. When I was told this I stupidly checked on the fees and was saddened to see the course PT was more than double what he is ordered to pay my son per year. And on a FT basis the yearly course cost is the equivalent of over 5 years worth of maintenance for my son. It just seems so unfair that we are struggling and he has been able to self improve. He left me with somewhere around £30k debt 6 years ago which I am still paying off but he has been able to better himself and his career potential. This is now the second uni degree in 7 years! But strangely remains in the same low paid job he has been in since his teens!

Sorry to rant.

Thanks for your time x

I never knew these things existed. I'm going to have a Google.

And this is why I didn't want it to come across like its just me as its not. So many people are living in poverty. I read tonight that Boris is on holiday at a £25,000 a week villa. I thought oh fuck off. The country is falling apart. Its people are struggling so much but you go on holiday costing that much per week. Nearly double what I earn a year! What an inconsiderate nob. Oh and that MP saying it was grim living off 80k odd a year. What's wrong with these people

I think earning more will be a good way to focus your efforts. Have you got LinkedIn? Is there anyone from your previous career you can ask for a chat for some advice on getting back in the game? Perhaps you could put feelers out for any jobs coming up in your old industry?

Also in your current role when did you last get/ask for a pay rise?

Olio is the app to get food for free.

As the cost of living has gone up you may now be eligible for and IVA/DMP as your libel of disposable income has gone down.

You mentioned bedroom tax - if you have a spare bedroom is a lodger an option or moving to a cheaper bedroom?

Finding out if there is a “community fridge” or similar isn’t always easy because they are often called different things, but these guys have a big list of them. NB they almost all operate differently and under different rules. Also they are not normally food banks if the same way as trusses trust - MANY of them are just open to all to come and get food that would otherwise be wasted. (I volunteer at ours, and it’s important to us as it takes the stigma away from using it).

www.foodaidnetwork.org.uk/independent-food-banks-map

This website is from fairshare, who are the organisation who do the food distribution. They don’t deal with individuals, but they do have a good list of resources

fareshare.org.uk/getting-food/food-service-for-individuals/

I am so mad on your behalf that your ex gets away with this.

I know this doesn’t help but I’m so upset for you OP that your ex has behaved so cruelly and that the law can’t help. You not only sound like you are coping amazingly but also not eaten up with bitterness while I am fuming and hurt for you at that level of unfair debt. I hope one day you can lift it and thank goodness you are clear of your ex.

Thank you. I had to let go of the bitterness early on or I wouldn't have been able to move on. It's still there trust me and it shows every now and then when I hear how well he's doing for himself. Like yesterday learning how he has started a new university degree hurt me, and I felt that bitterness inside and asked myself 'how the fuck is that fair, that someone behaves so cruelly and STILL manages to do well in life, and I am here struggling to live, my child living in poverty and really finding it hard to find job opportunities that work for me with a young child'
I really do hope karma exists. It hasn't found him yet though.

I know hard times won't last forever but the last 7 years of my boys life has been hard. And it's getting harder

Firstly for you.

I wanted to share some things I did when we were very very skint, around making things good for the kids. You are lucky he is 7 - too young to notice £ really. We had some brilliant Christmas surprises a) from charity shop stuff and b) homemade. We started to do a massive hamper for Christmas - this was done to make an extra exciting treat to come downstairs to but of course you have to eat anyway so really it costs nothing. It would have e.g. stupid shaped pasta, different cereal, jam, crackers, peanut butter etc.

I would make homemade activity kits - such as cookie making, home science kits, junk modelling kits.

I also made loads of trails, puzzles and treasure hunts - these cost nothing but filled time at weekends.

When they were little I did a Christmas Day treasure hunt - some stupid things from the charity shop, riddles to win clues. Match the clue theme to the item you chose in the charity shop.

Just make things as fun as you can - they remember the fun and not the money spent. My children are much older now but our skint years have just as many happy memories as our better years, they talk about those things happily.

Not wanting to patronise, but did want to reassure that budget Christmases/birthdays/weekends can produce just as many happy memories.

I was a single mum to two and at times living of very little. I took in foreign students as a side hustle. This was young female students of between 18-21 and that suited our female household. Each time I did this I checked with tax credits as it was the same as rating a room and tax fr and the rules didn't change whilst I was doing this - they may have now. I then used spare rooms dot com and found female lodgers only and had two young females one for 6 months and on for 9 months. I saved up the money and put aside to spread out to make life more comfortable. This isn't for everyone and obviously the overseas students have stopped coming, one due to Brexit and two due to covid19. Though spare rooms still is lively but you need to be very particular

Id say go for it and get back into the operate world, have faith in yourself and im sure you will really rise to the challenge.

as an aside I was watching our Yorkshire farm last night

those children love going for a picnic in the middle of winter! take your dc for a walk in the park and a flask of hot soup and a hot pasty wrapped in tin foil

trips to the library - look for scientific experiments made easy books.

I used to tell mine to get one amazon and pick all the books they wanted, then id order them from the library catalogue and we'd go to visit th library on a Saturday and pick up about 10 books for free (children tickets rarely charge for ordering books) im not kidding we would have about £60 worth of books for free- I know its only for 3 weeks or 6 but its a great feeling

I use YNAB. It's not free but it's turned around my finances.
How much is your mortgage as a percentage of your income? How much do you spend on repaying debts each month?
I recommend watching some Dave Ramsay videos on you tube/ reading his books,

Do you have anything like a Rogers discount warehouse near you? They sell just out of date food which is perfectly edible. It's always a bit luck on the day but can really reduce costs.

We only have a small 2 bed so no room for ourselves let alone lodgers lol.

Christmas and Birthdays are generally cheap occassions anyway. And my DS is very content with doing very little. I suppose it's just my guilt seeing all his friends doing so much stuff and him not being able to. He never moans though.

I will have to look for these cheap food places. I never knew they existed. Food, energy and fuel are my main concerns and sadly one's we have little control over. We only use the car for school and work journeys and maybe the odd trip to my parents. Can only afford fuel to last me those journeys so that can't be cut. I'm going to look into the heated blanket as I do fear I will be having to really consider if I need to put the heating on much this year. Previous years I've not even thought twice but then i never exceeded my monthly payments even during the winter. My bills in the summer months have been eating up a whole monthly payment meaning I am entering the colder months with no credit. I think the only realistic cut is going to have to be from food costs.

Thanks for all the brilliant advice offered.

Next time you remortgage look at extending the term. Have you applied for council tax benefit at all? We used to get £1.36 a week or something but it meant we were eligible for reduced costs summer play scheme!

I used to do picnic meals for my DDs when they were small. Sometimes I CBA to cook due to depression so I literally called it a picnic so they thought it was fun.

As you can’t spare the petrol to go out do the picnic at home. Make it a fun, depending on your DS interests perhaps picnic/snacks watching a film or similar, reading books etc.

Use blankets, maybe fleece blankets, dressing gowns, extra sweaters. Put extra blankets on your beds for less heating.

For food, add beans/lentils to food, ie if you make a casserole or pasta sauce bulk it out with lentils and veg.

Recently remortgaged to a new 5 tear deal. Its around 25% of my monthly income.

My DS absolutely loves us getting the picnic blanket out and having dinner together on the floor. I've even done indoor picnics before and after packed a cool bag despite not leaving the house. He absolutely loves it

I am in a similar, rather leaky, boat. If I worked longer hours, the tax credit cut would mean I'd in effect be working several hours a week for £2.50 an hour. Which I resent.
We went on holiday for 3 days this year. Modest B&B but with fuel and meals out I've been beggared trying to save anything for the next 2 months!
Yesterday I added up all my bank payments on supermarket shopping. I was staggered it was £400 for a month, when I didn't think I'd bought that much. No alcohol and not much meat either, literally no idea it was that much. SO I'm trying to have a zero spend for the rest of the month.
We do have a lot in the cupboard and freezer so there is stuff to eat, I'm making it a challenge to think what I can make with what we have. I did have to buy cat food today, but I can do an hour's ironing for my neighbour to make that back. I have a few clothes on eBay too which are going to sell.
Have also invested in a heated throw to sit under on the sofa. Really fancied a bath today but thought of the energy cost and had a quick shower. Have you applied for the warm home discount if your provider offers it?
Layer your bedding with a flat sheet under the duvet, keeps out draughts and makes it cosier - and if you have spare/summer duvets put them under the bottom sheet.
Menu plan. Nothing wrong with beans on toast once a week. Jack Monroe recipes. And have a luxury allocation even if it's a tenner a month, so you can enjoy a treat.
I was feeling really anxious too, but now I have a plan for the month I'm feeling a bit better. Good luck!

Do you have an actual written down budget?

I raised dd alone and I've been where you are and worse! It's really hard.

I've always done a budget spreadsheet to keep an eye on things and so I know where I stand which helps my anxiety about such things

You seem to be doing pretty much all you can so I'm conscious I may well be teaching you to suck eggs!

You've minimised all your outgoings as much as you can

Do you regularly and consistently look out for and use discounts and voucher codes?

There are threads/forums on mse site that are usually good for this and the site generally is

Loyalty cards - I get loyalty cards for every shop I ever use. Some the loyalty points can be used in other ways so that you get better "value" eg I shop with Tesco and use my Clubcard points to offset my Tesco mobile bill which equates to double value of the points used

Heating - if you can manage the initial outlay I would recommend halogen heaters and electric blankets. Will at least mean you can reduce your use of the central heating or lower the thermostat at least. They're very cheap to run and the heaters have a lovely cosy glow too. I first got some when I was in a flat with horrifically crap storage heating that was extortionately expensive! Made a huge difference for me

Have you got the timer for the Central heating at optimum use? Eg even when I have mine on I have it that it goes off half hour or so before I settle in bed

Have you got your home as well insulated as possible? Not just the "big" stuff like the loft but also the "little" things like heavy curtains, well sealed windows and doors. Draft excluders etc

Wear layers - I can feel the cold and I've been known to wear leggings, t shirt AND pyjamas to bed!

Mse also has tips on how to adjust your car and driving style to keep petrol costs to a minimum. When I used to drive i read and applied it and i was shocked the difference it made!

Solicitors generally aren't experts in debt. I would urge you to speak to a specialist debt charity (don't pay for advice) as I think at the very least they may be able to get the interest frozen but a longer term payment arrangement

For income perhaps look at people per hour?

Something I'm considering doing myself

@rrhuth totally agree I came up with "creative" ideas for dd when broke that are actually part of some of her happiest memories!

The "80's" themed birthday party where I basically just had her friends over, they dressed in 80's clothes and we had "80's" food and drink and I played 80's cheesy music on a cd I created from my stash which I included ones that had a dance to go with it (mainly black lace it must be said) and I taught them the dances we had a great laugh

The Xmas I got her plastic drawers from wilko and filled them with cheap printer paper, new colouring pens and pencils, glue sticks etc which I picked up at wilko or pound shops or B&m but I also included eg a roll of kitchen foil just for her to use (she'd use it for "stars" in collages, I'll admit I had an ulterior motive in that it stopped me from running out of foil for cooking and not knowing!)

Many many carpet picnics and "breakfast for dinner"

Kids remember the love!

When dd was young - your ds age and younger - I used to head to bed once she was in bed as warmer under the duvet! Watch some dvds (pre streaming days and no Aerial upstairs) or read or do things like puzzles and cross stitch with the radio on

Who have you checked the benefit stuff with? Ime the best people for this are in your councils welfare rights office (sometimes they have a different name) as they are very well informed and even know of local grants/help that's available

@twillow you have made such a good point and I'm glad it's been said as the only thing that stopped me was the worry of someone coming along and telling me I need to work more and stop relying on TCS. My truth is I feel trapped on tax credits. If I work more my hourly pay becomes less. The extra 5 hours a week only works out very small amount extra considering and I don't feel its worth it financially or fair on my DS or myself because we would still be poor. The only way I would do it is if I could work from home some hours and then my son wouldn't need to be placed in childcare. I've been doing calculations lately and it's astonishing really as I feel the only way I will benefit is by getting off them altogether and getting a job with further prospects where I could eventually earn really well which sometimes feels impossible with life commitments. TCs have been such a lifeline for us. I have been so grateful for them but it feels you will never be much better off until you are earning at a level which is more than your current salary and tax credits combined.

In terms of what I am doing, its good to know I am doing most of the suggested ideas. I really like the heated throw idea. I have a spreadsheet as far all my DDs. Then what's left over I don't track which is probably irresponsible but it goes on nothing other than food for the house, a haircut a month for my son and things for school. I will start tracking how I spend on the food shop. It will be interesting to see how much I do spend on the food shop as I often look at what I've brought and think how the hell have I just spent that. I'm an aldi shopper so already buy pretty cheaply

Yes I have applied for the WHD. I just hope I get it. I have historically but this year it seemed an issue about my child being over 5. What difference does it make my child being over 5? He is still a child and needs to be kept warm. Plus him being over 5 hasn't affected my wage at all because I've worked since he was 11 months old.

I love finding discounts codes and vouchers. Every bit helps.

My council have also mentioned they are bringing back a winter grant this year and encouraged me to apply. I did benefit from the covid grant earlier in the year which helped me feed us. But I was on furlough back then. I dont know if being back at work fully will affect my eligibility

Working part time certainly gives you more time to cook from scratch and try and do all the little money saving things.

As DS gets older in a good few years if you can start working towards better paid roles it becomes more worth it because at secondary school childcare requirements disappear. As you said something when you can WFH as by 8 most children are capable of entertaining themselves, getting snacks so don't interrupt you working.

Your son could get away with less frequent haircuts, we only do that quarterly, it goes from quite short to artfully shaggy

A WFH job would be great to be honest as I'd see no problem with me being able to work more hours. I'm so lucky that my DS has always been very chilled and occupies himself well. I'd be confident now he would understand that I need to work after school and leave me to it with little interruption. Finding wfh jobs though at the moment is hard as lots or workplaces are moving back into the office. Also I feel to achieve a salary I need it will be via city workplaces. At the moment I work local to home. No more than 10 minutes from home and school is 2 minutes from home on the same route. Its so convenient. Working in the city may attract a better salary, but also comes with higher commuting costs, childcare etc. I used to work in the city before my child. I dont miss all the times trains were delayed or completely cancelled and it ended up taking over 4 hours to get home which would normally take me around 40 minutes. It was frustrating as a single person but I feel it would he impossible to deal with as a single parent. Can you imagine the extra time in childcare costs.

I never wish my DS older but I'd be lying if I said I havent thought about it being easier when he can take himself to and from school and let himself in for a few hours after school whilst I am still working. I think the law says he needs to be at least 11, however he may be older, I need to be fully comfortable with giving him that freedom at 11 which at the moment I think it may be abit young. No doubt I will need to work more anyway as when he gets older his uniform will cost more, school trips will cost more, clothes shoes and trainers will cost more and the food bill is likely to increase too!

Hahaha, his hair only costs £7 a month and to be fair at once a month it's pushing it. Really he needs it doing after 2 and a half weeks as it starts to grow awful and out of control. I'm the one who goes without hair cuts. My last one was June and before that October and before that was over a year. Mine only cost £10 too but I'd rather get his done than mine

I work for a university, non-student facing so we are WFH long term, may be similar with civil service roles too. DH has been WFH for years now. I just do one day per week in the office.

Clippers and cut DS hair yourself? May be able to pick some up locally free/cheap now lockdown is over!