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Original poster

Splitting deposit fairly

58 replies

Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 12:49

I have never had the opportunity to save for a deposit before, I've been divorced from exh for years and he is not a consistent payer for child maintenance un any way imaginable. I have 3 dc and have always worked and done my best to provide everything they need.

I remarried and my dh has savings which came from compensation from a car accident 12 years ago.

We rent a property currently but due to me recently inheriting 100k we are now in the process of buying a house.

My plan was to pay 75k to the deposit and dh pay 25. I wanted to use the remaining 25k to pay for anything that needed doing to the house, as well as new carpets and decorating. It needs a cooker, possibly a boiler.

This part is important to me as I've never had a home that is beautiful or even lovely, I've always been too poor.

Dh wants me to pay the full 100k deposit and he use his 25 for these things. I feel that he will want to take control and I can't bear that, in fact it makes me panicky just thinking about it.

What would be the right thing to do?

I should say that dh has paid the majority of the bills for years until I got a decent job that allowed me to contribute more.

OP posts:
Alpinechalet · 02/10/2021 13:05

You need to get legal advice to protect your deposit.

I would consider putting in £87,500 and DH £12, 500. This way you each have £12;500 left to spend on your house, you agree to pay 50:50 for carpets, furniture etc. This way you have an equal say on furnishings etc.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2021 13:08

What’s his rationale behind you putting in the deposit and him using his for other stuff?

itsraininghere · 02/10/2021 13:09

Are you sure you want to buy with him? If it's making you panicky and you think he'll take control of everything?

Original poster
Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 13:13

His rationale was for him to not use all his savings on the deposit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 13:13

Fair point @itsraininghere it's really made me rethink the situation.

OP posts:
MilduraS · 02/10/2021 13:18

Yeah if you use all of your money for the deposit and then want to buy "bits" for the house with his savings I could imagine him getting over protective. That £60 floor lamp for the end of the sofa might be a waste to him when you have lights in the ceiling. There's a world of difference between my £30 bedding and my £120 bedding.

Were neither of you planning to ring fence your deposits? You should and when you do, he'll soon want his savings used for the deposit.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2021 13:21

@Livedandlearned

His rationale was for him to not use all his savings on the deposit.
And have you explained that you don’t want to use all your savings on the deposit?
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 02/10/2021 13:25

I think put the whole 125 into one pot. Spend 100k on the deposit and 25k on removations. Ringfence the 25k versus 100k in a legal document. The 25K on renovation really is part of the house renovations

TakeYourFinalPosition · 02/10/2021 13:40

Are you sure you want to buy with him? If it's making you panicky and you think he'll take control of everything?

This, if I’m honest.

Original poster
Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 13:41

I said that I didn't want to use all my savings either and he said "well why haven't you saved any more than that, you said you would try and save"

He earns 2 times my salary which I've only been earning for 2 years. I haven't been able to save, I have paid off any debts though, which is a massive deal to me.

OP posts:
qualitygirl · 02/10/2021 13:44

Red flags ALL OVER Op!! I wouldn't be buying with him! I would be leaving him...is he normally so controlling?

SwedishEdith · 02/10/2021 13:52

If you do go ahead, make sure you ringfence your deposit as tenants in common.

NoSquirrels · 02/10/2021 13:57

So you need to put down £100K?

I don’t like the sound of his attitude.

You definitely need to draw up a legal agreement.

Original poster
Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 13:59

He tries to be controlling but I don't allow him to be.

His previous marriage ended after his ex remortgaged their house behind his back and ran up huge debts by gambling. The house was repossessed and he was made homeless for a short time.

Who knows whether he was controlling before that happened or afterwards.

OP posts:
MilduraS · 02/10/2021 14:00

You're contributing 100k and he still thinks you should have been saving instead of paying off debts too?

I'd think very carefully about whether you are happy in your relationship and can see it lasting long term. It sounds like he's going to grind you down and the break up will be much more expensive when you've got a property to split and move out of.

Fireflygal · 02/10/2021 14:01

How long have you been married? What is the value of the house and your respective ages. Does he have children?

His tone seems critical and unsupportive which doesn't bode well.

You need to consider a few outcomes - if you want to leave him, what happens in event of either you passing, how do decide on renovations. Don't move forward with a purchase UNLESS you believe you are in a true partnership.

I was well and truly burnt after marrying as Ex H became abusive. I will never recover finances again as legally he was entitled to 50%.
Please get legal advice but trust your instincts and err on the side of caution.

GetDrunkWithMe · 02/10/2021 14:02

Buy the house without his involvement. 🚩

PegasusReturns · 02/10/2021 14:05

He doesn’t sound very nice.

How long have you been married? Id be getting legal advice if I was you so you can divorce and but in your own.

Original poster
Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 14:09

Been married 5 years. I'm 42, he's 54.

He has 3 dc as well, the youngest is 20.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 02/10/2021 14:09

I wouldn’t be buying a house with him .

Original poster
Livedandlearned · 02/10/2021 14:10

Value of house is 238,500

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 02/10/2021 14:14

Are you buying as joint tenants or tenants in common?

This is very important if you both have children from previous relationships.

MissSmiley · 02/10/2021 14:15

It's all fairly irrelevant if you're married to him, I know from bitter experience that money inherited during a marriage is classed as a marital asset, you should have stayed single and bought a house on your own, now you risk his children inheriting your money

HollowTalk · 02/10/2021 14:20

So he has savings because of his compensation, but that's not really savings, is it? He's saying you should've saved - why hasn't he saved?

Sunnyreception · 02/10/2021 14:22

Can you ring fence your deposit if married?

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