Splitting deposit fairly

[Livedandlearned]

I have never had the opportunity to save for a deposit before, I've been divorced from exh for years and he is not a consistent payer for child maintenance un any way imaginable. I have 3 dc and have always worked and done my best to provide everything they need.

I remarried and my dh has savings which came from compensation from a car accident 12 years ago.

We rent a property currently but due to me recently inheriting 100k we are now in the process of buying a house.

My plan was to pay 75k to the deposit and dh pay 25. I wanted to use the remaining 25k to pay for anything that needed doing to the house, as well as new carpets and decorating. It needs a cooker, possibly a boiler.

This part is important to me as I've never had a home that is beautiful or even lovely, I've always been too poor.

Dh wants me to pay the full 100k deposit and he use his 25 for these things. I feel that he will want to take control and I can't bear that, in fact it makes me panicky just thinking about it.

What would be the right thing to do?

I should say that dh has paid the majority of the bills for years until I got a decent job that allowed me to contribute more.

Why are you married to someone like this?

He wasn't like this until I inherited the money

Hmmm does he feel threatened by that or does he see it as a chance for him to be back on the property ladder...

It would really upset me that someone seemed so desperate to latch into my inheritance, presumably you haven't been together decades?

I can see why a man who has supported a woman and her children would expect her to be actively prepared to support in turn once she had money.
I can’t however see why he thinks she should put everything in because it’s not fair he put everything in? When really she’s been putting everything she has in for some time. It’s also strange to expect his money to be kept for buying furniture because he thinks that would mean he decides (would be a total dealbreaker for me if my partner thought I shouldn’t get equal say in house purchases )
But this inheritance may already be a marital asset, so you need to find that out. And no one should spend all the savings on new furniture instead of having a reserve fund.

We've been together 12 years.

He has supported me and my dc, as well as his own dc and always tried to support his exw if she's needed money. Well he did for a few years but she was pissing it up the wall unfortunately.

I'm going to call my solicitor today and explain the situation to make sure I am protected if this house sale does go ahead.

I would do the same.
However, if my partner of 12 year and spouse of 5 did this after I had carried the financial load of supporting them and their children, and enabled them to repay debts, this would be the end for me.
I actually don’t much care about the “trust” argument - I think it’s naïve to think you can trust anyone once it comes to divorce. Sure, many people you can - but I think it’s just sensible not to bank on it.
For me it would be the fact that you were happy to be one financial unit when I was paying, but not now.
If you’re only just earning half his wage since 2 years ago, sounds like he has easily contributed more than £50K of “his money” over the years.
Don’t get me wrong - I don’t like the sound of him and his controlling shit. I’d be asking the solicitor as many questions about divorce. I’d be just as selfishly keen to hang on to this windfall.
But I think you should be prepared for his reaction, because if I were him, taking my money but not sharing yours would make me end the marriage.

12 years is a longer time than I thought.

It sounds like the issue that needs discussing is him trying to control what you buy both in actual house plus furniture and decor.

If he want have an honest and open discussion about these issues including the criticism around you not saving enough. I would suggest taking it through as a couple with a therapist. It's a small amount to pay in £ to see if these ingrained attitudes/habits can be resolved - much cheaper than divorce and more pleasant than accepting this controlling side of him that's reared it's ugly head.

I do find it strange that he thought you were saving, when you weren’t.

My husband and I keep our finances quite separate and certainly couldn’t tell you each other’s back balances to the penny. But he could tell you that I am putting everything I can into a pension to retire early (we have your age difference too!) and I could tell you that he’s not been saving this year as he’s been sending regular money to support a son at university instead.

After 12 years together, I’m surprised you weren’t more closely aligned on finances.