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Original poster

Child maintenance

93 replies

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 07:07

Hi, my partner and I are in the process of separating. He is not going to be paying any maintenance as he can't afford it and I will be claiming UC for both children as well as working part time.

We've discussed residence and provisionally agreed he will have both children for 2 nights a week and then 1 child for a further night and the other child for another night so basically 1child on Tuesday, 2 children in Weds and Sat and one child on Thursday. He is now saying I owe him maintenance for those days he has them. Is that correct?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 15/04/2021 14:11

So he has money to go to gigs but not pay maintenance and won't agree to fixed contact?

So basically he wants everything to work around him whilst you do the bulk of child rearing?

I would insist on fixed arrangements so that you can plan your life, get additional work etc.

Original poster

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 14:13

@Cocomarine this would be 3 out of 7 overall so almost 50 50 in terms of time but he isn't contributing anything to childcare for the 3 year old or for their activities or clothes etc and not wanting to pay maintenance so it isn't 50 50 in terms of cost.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 14:14

In fact he's already cancelled his childcare vouchers and he hasn't even moved out yet!

OP posts:

Original poster

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 14:14

@RandomMess

So he has money to go to gigs but not pay maintenance and won't agree to fixed contact?

So basically he wants everything to work around him whilst you do the bulk of child rearing?

I would insist on fixed arrangements so that you can plan your life, get additional work etc.

Basically yes.

OP posts:

pipsqueakbollock · 15/04/2021 14:41

He is not a nice person.

Could you predict his reaction if you casually said tonight

'I've taken some advice and I'm going to put a claim in with the CMS tomorrow - we could use it as a starting point in our organising for the children. Please can I have your national insurance number?'

Honestly? What do you think he would say and react?

TheTeenageYears · 15/04/2021 14:44

@OneForTheRoadThen

In fact he's already cancelled his childcare vouchers and he hasn't even moved out yet!

So you are going to have to pay even more for childcare now. That is so not cool.

Original poster

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 14:49

@pipsqueakbollock

He is not a nice person.

Could you predict his reaction if you casually said tonight

Honestly? What do you think he would say and react?

He'd get very panicky and then go on about how unfair this was and that he can't afford to live etc and then ask if I want him not to be able to afford a nice life for the children while they're with him. I know this for a fact as I have suggested that he needs to pay me maintenance!

He's not abusive just very childish and entitled (the main reason why we are separating) and always puts himself first, even above the children.

OP posts:

Original poster

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 14:52

@TheTeenageYears well I am increasing my childcare vouchers so I shouldn't be worse off as I didn't claim the full amount before and he did. But I can't claim for UC while he's here and he hasn't moved out yet but has cancelled his vouchers so I'm in limbo

OP posts:

DinoHat · 15/04/2021 15:01

OP just call CMS and get the ball rolling. Don’t put your life on hold or limit your options waiting for him to decide what’s best for him. He doesn’t sound interested in supporting you, the kids or fulfilling his duty as a father. Sounds like he’s put himself at the forefront.

RandomMess · 15/04/2021 15:02

If you are living separately under the same roof - not doing anything for him, no shared shopping etc you can claim UC now. I wouldn't be surprised if you have to kick him out in the end.

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2021 15:02

Can you not claim uc while seperate under the same roof?
Just put in a cms claim, today. That way you will be able to process it through. There is no point trying to negotiate with him. Say sweetly you cancelled your childcare vouchers so I’ll have to pay more.
I’m not surprised he has money for gigs, his ‘I’m broke after rent and bills’ is really ‘I don’t have spare cash for my dc after I’ve spent it on me’

pipsqueakbollock · 15/04/2021 16:24

So childish and entitled isn't going to willingly step up to adulthood.

You need to be even tougher than you thought you were being.

Play every rule in the book by the book.

My ex was similar. He decided Wed didn't work anymore for his mid week so it would be moved to Tues. (I never really got to the bottom of this but Brownies was Wed, swimming Mon and Beavers Thur) I think he was trying to get out of clubs.

I work Mon Tue Thu. He collected Wed after school so I had the full day off after morning school run.
When he decided it should now be Tuesday, he would collect from the childminder after work. He was shocked when I told him he would pay the Tuesday childcare bill including the £80 school holiday rate. He literally said but you pay the child care

I said yes when I require childcare to allow me to work, I pay it.
If you don't want to pay it, don't work Tuesday. He said but I don't work Wednesday I need to work Tuesday.

This went round and round in circles. He never could see my point of view.

I'm now non contact, the DC are teens and if I never laid eyes on him again, I would be glad!

Darbs76 · 15/04/2021 18:37

34k isn’t a huge amount in London trust me (person who commented like it’s tons). I don’t agree in you paying him maintenance but I see your reasoning in trying to make it fair. As the person with the residence will get the benefits and maintenance whilst the other parent needs to have a home too without any benefits to assist. I’d want him to have enough cash to have a home with a bedroom for my children and if that meant foregoing maintenance until he was in a better position I’d do that. You say he could rent a room but how would you feel about your children staying overnight in a shared house? I wouldn’t want that. Many are suggesting not even considering all of this but at the end of the day you want your children to have a nice home at yours and their dad’s given they will be spending a lot of time there. He needs to quit talking about you owing him maintenance though as that’s not correct.

When my ex and I split we did 50/50 and so I didn’t claim maintenance. My ex also paid half the childcare. As time has gone on he went to work overseas and so of course I had the children more. We have never had a formal arrangement but I could have claimed a lot of money off him given he’s got a good salary and earning almost double working overseas. But I know he’s saving for the kids university so they don’t need to get any loans at all so I’m happy to pay for their needs (plus I’m living his house rent free at the moment). We have always got on well and that’s always been my no 1 priority. I have a good salary too though nothing like him. If I knew he was wasting his money I’d probably have perused him for maintenance but I know he’s also planning with helping them buy their first homes etc (and for anyone who might ask I know 200% he will meet both these commitments as setting his kids up for the future has always been his no 1 goal. Anyway I’ve rambled but just wanted to show a different perspective, and for me knowing my children had a private home with their dad would be far better than getting maintenance and him living in a shared house.

RandomMess · 15/04/2021 18:45

I'd be really surprised that if he had one resident child and only on £34k in London that he would get some UC help towards housing just because housing is so much?

It does sound though that he is going to be unreliable and not trustworthy. I can see the 3/7 slipping as he can't bothered/some else comes up/he resents "helping" you out.

ForThePurposeOfTheTape · 15/04/2021 18:49

This is almost 50:50 in terms of time but quibbling over money.

I'd be interested to know whether Dad's 3 days were coincidentally his days off since he works 4 days a week. If he has the children based around his availability rather than times when op is working or at learning then he's lucky that op has agreed to pay for childcare enabling him to see the kids around his work.

rwalker · 15/04/2021 18:52

The problem is money will only go so far he won't be entitled to any benefits o if he moves into share acclamation to reduce his cost to pay CM then inevitably he won't have suitable accommodation to have his kids.

Move further out for cheaper rent will have to pay to commute still . Works more to earn more then can't have his kids .

You say it's amicable sit down work it out write it down and take it form there.

You could go down CMS get a fixed % of wage but if he can't afford to live he'd have to move or give up work

Having the kid sand working check what benefits you can get .

Original poster

OneForTheRoadThen · 15/04/2021 18:54

@ForThePurposeOfTheTape yes he is having the children on his day off from work

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 16/04/2021 00:52

@darbs76 that sounds amicable. Now, how would you feel if instead of 50/50 youd had the children 60% of the time, AND your ex thought you should pay him maintenance? That’s the position the op is in. I think you would be not so amicable then!

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