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Original poster

Financial support for a family member yes or no?

62 replies

UsuallyHappy43 · 05/02/2021 21:38

My sister lives abroad half way round the world. She and her husband run a business which is in financial diffculty. They are struggling to maintain their home and private life and are now in debt, to the point where they could lose everything. However, its not the first time this has happened and previously (15 years ago) our dad bailed them out to the sum of around £50k. He has since died leaving us all a really decent inheritance. It has all slipped through their hands again. Should I help again? Emotionally it is really hard to think of them suffering, but while I have been sensible and still have my inheritance in tact, should I be selfish enough to refuse to help? Or is it good money after bad? Any advice would be welcome. I am completely torn. My husband would not want me to help, but she is my sister : (

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 05/02/2021 21:41

My mother did this for her brother.

She lost 160k. She will never see it again (and it wasn’t inherited either).

Only do it if you are happy to gift her the money.

SingingLoud · 05/02/2021 21:41

Absolutely not.

You will never get that money back, and next time it happens they will find someone else to bail them, and again and again.

Cornishclio · 05/02/2021 21:42

No I would not. It sounds like they have no money sense if they go through money like water or their business is not viable. It is not selfish to keep your inheritance. Presumably that is what your Dad wanted for you and you have a family of your own. Otherwise the chances are they will lose your money too and will have to sort it out by either selling the house or the business.

RandomMess · 05/02/2021 21:43

Surely it will just be sunk into a failing business and they actually won't be any better off.

No I wouldn't they don't seem to have learned from last time.

hellasciously · 05/02/2021 21:45

Definitely not.

blue25 · 05/02/2021 21:45

No. Don’t do it.

They’ll just keep asking for more and more and you won’t get it back. Don’t fall for it.

nervousnelly8 · 05/02/2021 21:45

Are there children involved? When you say "lose everything" what do you mean - would they be homeless? Unable to eat? Is there a welfare state where they live? Personally, I would not see my siblings destitute no matter what the cost (assuming that helping would not leave me destitute). But I wouldn't expect to see the money again.

Lumene · 05/02/2021 21:51

No, it won’t help them. They need to learn how to manage money or it will always slip through their fingers.

If you give them the money they will spend it, you will lose it, and it won’t give them the opportunity to learn the lessons they need to.

SingingLoud · 05/02/2021 21:52

They’ve already lost the 50k your dad gave them when he was alive.

Then they lost the “decent inheritance” your sister received, which I’m guessing was at least 50k again.

You’d be off your head to give them a penny.

Earslaps · 05/02/2021 21:53

Was the £50k taken into account in distributing the estate, i.e. did she receive £50k less than you to take into account the money she'd already received? If not, then you've already given her money indirectly and I'd be less inclined to give her any.

If she did receive less inheritance due to the earlier payment she received, then I'd be more inclined to help her out with no expectation of getting the money back, but on the strict proviso that there would be no more assistance so they'd need to look at restructuring their finances.

Turnedouttoes · 05/02/2021 21:55

I wouldn’t, it’s a very slippery slope. My mum started helping out a family member (whose problems were all of their own doing Hmm) and very quickly it became a situation where they expected her to pay for their food shopping every week, new clothes whenever they needed them etc. But certainly nowhere near £50k

Viviennemary · 05/02/2021 21:56

Absolutely not. They've been bailed out once already. So they lost the money given to them and then their inheritance and now they want more.

LizzieSiddal · 05/02/2021 22:02

I’d give money for food, but nothing else.

I have a relative whose been in a similar position and realised they needed to hit rock bottom before they sorted themselves out. It seems your sister may be similar so you really need to step back.

DeRigueurMortis · 05/02/2021 22:05

No.

Having ploughed through £50k and a decent inheritance there is no way I'd throw more money at them a 3rd time.

Their business isn't viable. It's not clear why but frankly it doesn't matter. They should have learned from "mistakes" after the first cash injection.

You do no one any favours by bailing them out again. You'll lose the money and in a few years/months they'll be back in the same situation. No one wins here.

She's your sister but this is an act of tough love and frankly also self preservation.

How would you feel if you hand over your inheritance to the detriment of your family only for her to lose it - because that's what will happen.

Help her by all means in terms of emotional support but don't throw more money at this business.

Original poster
UsuallyHappy43 · 05/02/2021 22:07

Thank you, yes that 50k was taken into account when our fathers estate was distributed. She has 3 children but they are already all beginning to fledge. Two at various stages of Uni and one just approaching highers. I think I knew what you would all say but I am so worried. I don't want to lose all of my safety net though either.

OP posts:
OhCobblers · 05/02/2021 22:11

@SingingLoud

They’ve already lost the 50k your dad gave them when he was alive.

Then they lost the “decent inheritance” your sister received, which I’m guessing was at least 50k again.

You’d be off your head to give them a penny.

This ......... said very succinctly. You should not be contemplating giving up your security for them. If it was me I definitely would not.
partyatthepalace · 05/02/2021 22:13

No don’t the money will just disappear.

If they really lost everything and I could afford it, I would help with rent money for a year or so to help her get back on her feet.

Whatever you do or don’t do, you shouldn’t assume any money you give her will ever come back to you - and also remember your first duty is to yourself, followed by your immediate family, so don’t do them down.

Pebbledashery · 05/02/2021 22:15

You're a lovely sister.. But she's an adult and has to stand on her own to feet.. If you bail her out it won't be the last time.
Some people have had to go through really tough crap financially to get to a good place.. And you just learn. Albeit the hard way. But she'll learn.
I think its time for tough love. Don't feel guilty because you are good with money.. She will always expect it if family members continually bail them out.

Iloveacurry · 05/02/2021 22:19

No, they’ve already had 2 bailouts, the business isn’t working. Perhaps they should get a job instead.

Doingitaloneandproud · 05/02/2021 22:42

No I wouldn't, I'd save it for you and your family.

anynamewilldo2021 · 05/02/2021 22:49

No.

If your happy to gift some money do so, but I would suggest it's like giving a drunk a drink.

Lending money will sour your relationship.

ItsDinah · 05/02/2021 22:52

How difficult. I wouldn't send them any lump sum with that track record. Not under any pretext whatsoever. It seems as if they are looking at bankruptcy. Their debts could easily swallow up all of your own inheritance and still leave them going bankrupt. Sending them money could simply be letting them dig a worse financial hole as they use funds from you to juggle with,and ultimately increase,their indebtedness.

Jsnn · 05/02/2021 22:52

Not a fan of paying someone's bills. I have lots of family that is struggling. I will help where I can in other ways. If someone is getting kicked out, I'd rather let them stay with me rather then give them money. I know that's not really possible for you.

If you give them money now they will just lose it and in a couple years in the same position except now you don't have money to help them.

May as well just get it over with now and keep your money.

Dont sacrifice your retirement for anyone including your children even. It's crazy how many people blow their retirement paying families bills, investing their failed businesses or paying for their kids house deposits or uni. I think it's nuts.

PegasusReturns · 05/02/2021 22:52

I’d give my sister money to pay her mortgage, buy food and essentials etc but I would absolutely not prop up a failing business

Original poster
UsuallyHappy43 · 05/02/2021 22:55

I now have to find a way of saying no to her, or maybe just paying a couple of bills for her. I think the push to spend money or reinvest in a failing business comes from her husband, she wasn't brought up to spend money like this and has just been swept along with the enthusiasm of her other half. I know what I need to do now and most of the support she will be getting from me will beemotional, constructive and practical help in planning how to repay her debts. Wish me luck and thank you for all your help.

OP posts:
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