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Original poster

Financial support for a family member yes or no?

62 replies

UsuallyHappy43 · 05/02/2021 21:38

My sister lives abroad half way round the world. She and her husband run a business which is in financial diffculty. They are struggling to maintain their home and private life and are now in debt, to the point where they could lose everything. However, its not the first time this has happened and previously (15 years ago) our dad bailed them out to the sum of around £50k. He has since died leaving us all a really decent inheritance. It has all slipped through their hands again. Should I help again? Emotionally it is really hard to think of them suffering, but while I have been sensible and still have my inheritance in tact, should I be selfish enough to refuse to help? Or is it good money after bad? Any advice would be welcome. I am completely torn. My husband would not want me to help, but she is my sister : (

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 05/02/2021 23:02

Is your sister asking or hinting. Tell her it's gone, or it's your children's university fund or you've paid off your mortgage so don't have the cash.
Don't give her the money. I'd be furious if my DH dished out our money.

Jsnn · 05/02/2021 23:04

Yeah if possible you can just lie and be vague. This won't work if she knows your exact financial position but I'm guessing that's probably not the case if she lives abroad.

DuaLipaSuction · 05/02/2021 23:05

she wasn't brought up to spend money like this and has just been swept along with the enthusiasm of her other half.

She's an adult. If they've been living beyond her means it is absolutely her decision.

Original poster
UsuallyHappy43 · 05/02/2021 23:22

We moved a couple of years ago and used some of our inheritance for that. My children are a little younger than hers so I have to consider their future too. I do have a fair bit in reserve and we're comfortable but I guess she doesn't really know our financial situation. I suspect she knows were doing okay though.

PS. She hasn't asked directly for money I can just see it coming ...

OP posts:
DuaLipaSuction · 05/02/2021 23:25

PS. She hasn't asked directly for money I can just see it coming.

I think you need to just work out what you'll say when the call comes. What does your DH say about it?

AIMD · 05/02/2021 23:31

Yea you need to plan your response.
As everyone else has said I also don’t think you should give her money. I would especially not put any money into their business or houses. I might send small amounts if they needed food or would even consider ordering food online for delivery if possible to make sure I was only paying for food.

How have they lost so much money repeatedly?

SweatyBetty20 · 06/02/2021 08:00

Don’t do it. My brother and his workshy wife have gone through every penny of his £175k inheritance, either through get rich quick schemes or just by not working. The one time I bailed them out because my brother pleaded poverty saying they had no food in the fridge and my niece needed a new coat for school, his wife posted on Facebook that she’d just managed to get concert tickets to see Usher. Never again.

Avidreader12 · 06/02/2021 10:03

If they do ask for help Say that you used the inheritance to pay off some of your mortgage off and therefore like everyone else you have nothing spare. It’s unlikely they would lose everything and if they ha be said that then they are playing on your emotions, never lend money to family unless your happy to never see it again.

SingingLoud · 06/02/2021 10:44

PS. She hasn't asked directly for money I can just see it coming ...

When she comes asking, I highly doubt she'll be asking for an online food shop amount, she's going to want big money. But be prepared either way.

"We don't have any money spare, we used the inheritance to knock a chunk off the mortgage. I could manage a £20 online food shop for a few bits to tide you over if things are that bad".

"We can't help, we used the inheritance to pay off our own debts. Now that we're straight we've decided we'll never take a loan out again. The kids need new shoes? Ok send me their sizes and I'll send some cheap ones over that'll do them for now".

BunnyRuddington · 06/02/2021 12:04

The one time I bailed them out because my brother pleaded poverty saying they had no food in the fridge and my niece needed a new coat for school, his wife posted on Facebook that she’d just managed to get concert tickets to see Usher.

That is one CF and a perfect demonstration of how being completely broke can differ so widely for everyone. A DF once complained that they were broke because she couldn't afford a £350 blind she wanted hit a tiny window. We were just about managing to feed ourselves at the time...

SillyOldMummy · 06/02/2021 12:33

No, don't do it. My mum is currently bailing out my brother who was self employed overseas and lost all his income due to covid. He has done very little to get back on his feet and is just letting my mum pay for his expensive lifestyle to a tune of £4k every month. He has kids and no partner so no other income , and he never contributed so there are no welfare benefits available to him (he refuses to apply for unemployment benefit in case they make him do "demeaning" work, ffs ).

So far my brother has had £45k but there is no end in sight. He needs the money but he's got himself to blame for being in the mess he is in. The money will never be returned and won't be taken into account when the estate is split when my mum eventually dies. My mum would not see my brother suffer for a moment and it is her money, I don't begrudge how she wants to spend it . But I have told him, if she dies (not implausible as she is mid-80s) I cannot touch her money until probate is dealt with, which would mean he is going to be bankrupt unless he reduces his outgoings and accepts that a "demeaning " job is better than no job at all.

People who are happy to let you "invest" and demonstrably can't run a business are fools. If the business was any good they could get a cheap loan. Clearly it's not. They need to get jobs in other fields and live on benefits, if they have blown the inheritance they have no moral right to your money too. Don't send them money, it will never end.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/02/2021 12:40

Good suggestions for replies to the inevitable requests above.

I feel for you worrying like this but you know it won’t be the last time she asks and you have to prioritise yourself and your children.

I doubt your dad would be happy about you throwing his hard earned money into the black hole of your sister’s finances. He’d want it to go towards things for you and your children, think of the opportunities you can give them thanks to his generosity.

doubleaces89 · 06/02/2021 13:04

If it was me, I'd gift her an amount that I'm prepared to never see again, and if I one day get it back it's a bonus.

Things are never black and white, people are not perfect, no one ever wants you fail, and people have different attitudes towards money.

My side of the family have the attitude what mine is mine, while my partner side are very relaxed concerning money.

SingingLoud · 06/02/2021 13:12

@SillyOldMummy if your mum dies within 7 years of giving your brother all of that money he may find that it has to be taken into account whether he likes it or not, at least for inheritance tax purposes.

Ilady · 07/02/2021 04:14

At least you are aware of what her financial position is at the moment and your just waiting for her phone call.
You can't afford to bale her out. From what your saying it not like she needs say 5k but she will call looking for more.

Your aware as well that your sister and her husband have made poor financial decisions in the past so any money you give them they will waste. Meanwhile you don't know what will happen in your future. Having a financial cushion could take pressure off you and your husband and make life easier if you got a bad patch ie job loss, poor health ect. In time it could help pay for your children's education or help you move to a better schools area.
I would say something like this to her - when you got your inheritance your paid off a few debits, paid a bit off your mortgage and put money into a few long term savings plans that you can't access for a few years.
I offer her some practical help ie debit service organizations, vouchers for a food shop but not money.
Why can't her husband ask his parents or family to bale them out? Your parents baled them out in the past and after that she should have learnt from previous mistakes. If her husband is bad with money she should not have give him money for his business or continued to fund a lifestyle they could not afford. She should have put some of that inheritance aside for her and her children financial future.

LetMeCookYourBooks · 07/02/2021 05:23

Nope... but then again I'm very tight with money Smile. Judge Judy always says don't loan friends/ family. If you must, give what you're comfortable with losing if it comes back, great, if not it was a gift Wink

MyVikingLife · 07/02/2021 05:26

No

yearinyearout · 07/02/2021 05:41

Since your children are young you can easily say you've put it in long term investments for their future uni costs etc (not that you need to lie but if it makes it easier for you) so the the cash isn't available.

VettiyaIruken · 07/02/2021 06:04

No.

They'd waste it again and be right back where they are now.

Enabling them to mismanage money is not help. All you are doing is preventing them from actually experiencing consequences. They will rip through your money, feeling more and more entitled to it and when you have nothing left do you think they will step up and help you?

Don't chuck away your financial security and your marriage to delay the inevitable for people who have not learned from their mistakes.
Tie your money up in a long term investment with no quick and easy withdrawal so that you can't be guilted into making a ridiculous decision.

ImIncogniiiiiito · 07/02/2021 06:29

@Iloveacurry

No, they’ve already had 2 bailouts, the business isn’t working. Perhaps they should get a job instead.
This ^

In your place I wouldn't see them homeless (they'd be welcome to stay in our home as long as necessary to get on their feet) and I'd also help them out if they could afford to stay in their home but needed cash for food, bills, etc, but no way would I be throwing large lump sums of cash into what is clearly not a very resilient business.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 07/02/2021 06:37

It’s your safety net and your kids’ future.
It’s not selfish not to give away your own family’s money !
Tell them your money is in the house and locked away in a fund for your kids Uni.
And say that in truth you can’t look at your kids and DH and tell them you are giving away the family money.

Is it bad luck, a disaster of some kind? COVID related downturn?

Did the business recover and thrive when your Dad bailed them out?

How did they spend the rest of the inheritance?

What does ‘lose everything’ mean? If you are made bankrupt in this country you aren’t thrown out in the street with no roof over your head.

Oldat40 · 07/02/2021 06:48

It's a difficult one. My OH's parents are very generous to him. However, I don't think this has always been a good thing. He's mid-40's and although he works ft he's still only on around £20k pa. He's incredibly intelligent but has over-relied on Bank of Mum and Dad IMO and so hasn't pushed himself to progress up the ladder etc.
I think sometimes you have to experience a bit of a financial squeeze to realise you have got to pull your finger out.
My parents are far less generous meaning I've had to work hard to earn money from day one. I knew I had to get a degree if I was to get the sort of job I wanted, I worked throughout A-Levels and uni to pay for things/my rent etc; I couldn't just piss it up the wall and expect a bail-out.

Clymene · 07/02/2021 06:50

A business which isn't making a profit isn't a business, it's a hobby. A very expensive one by the sound of it. If you give them money, you won't see it again and you sister will be in exactly the same position again when it runs out.

Standrewsschool · 07/02/2021 07:35

No, no, no.

They’ve already proved they’re spendthrifts. You will never see the money again.

Spaceman1 · 07/02/2021 07:42

My view is also no. They got themselves into this mess so they will have to deal with the consequences.

In life I see people who are big spenders and live for the moment and others who are more careful. The former tend to joke that the latter are mean and boring but when they get into trouble there they are begging for help!