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Original poster

Does she have the right to demand money from us?

58 replies

kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 19:50

DH's x wife is demanding that we pay money for his son who is 17 and has just started to do his A-levels in school, do we have to give her the money, it's not that we don't support his dc's but we preffer to give them the money or buy them the things that they need rather than give her the money. she only has a part time job and a house she can't afford without our help, she has been advised to sell the house and go out to work full time, weather she does or not remains to be seen ,but legally do we have to give her the money and if so how much is it?

OP posts:
CadaverousCorpulentCarmenere · 29/10/2007 19:53

I think that your dh is legally obliged to officially support his son until he has finished full time education or is 19, whichever comes first. and I think that would mean paying her money as I presume he lives with her.

Hallowedam · 29/10/2007 19:54

Legally, depends what dh agreed to wrt child support when they divorced, I suspect.

Morally, of course he should! This is his own son, who needs to be fed and housed and clothed and so on - why on earth shouldn't dh pay his fair share? The boy is still in school.

Or are you genuinely expecting your stepson to stump up for the shopping or the part of the mortgage that covers his bedroom and share of the kitchen/bathroom/living room out of whatever sums dh chooses to dole out now and again?

Never mind dh giving his son bits and bobs when he feels like it, he has a moral and I'm pretty sure legal duty to pay towards the boy's keep. That means regular, formal payments to the mother. God knows how the poor woman has managed to keep going so far.

Hallowedam · 29/10/2007 19:56

And if your dh didn't want to give her any money at all, ever, he shouldn't have married her and had children with her. Your stance is bizarre. How would you like it if, sadly, you and dh ever split up, and he objected to paying child support because he didn't want anything to do with you? I suspect you wouldn't be happy with him just giving your children occasional pocket money!

colditz · 29/10/2007 20:02

I am sure you should still be paying child support until child leaves school.

fireflyfairy2 · 29/10/2007 20:08

How much do you give his son?

Is it just pocket money?

I think your dh should still be paying child support if the child is still at school.

12lbnaturally · 29/10/2007 20:08

The absent parent legally has to pay until the child reaches 19 or leaves full time education, whichever is sooner. It is only the absent parents income which is taken into account and not the income of his current partner. It does not include any child benefit which the absent parent may be receiving for children he has with his current partner.

unfortunately these payments have to be made to the parent with care so you have no way of ensuring that the money is going to the "child". The ex wife could be spending the money on herself - fags, clothes, booze etc. Its a bit of a pisser isn't it?

colditz · 29/10/2007 20:12

She could be spending it on herself, fags booze and clubbing, true ... or she could be spending it on the child's clothes, furniture, bedding, wash stuff, shaving kit, food, carpets, haircuts, shoes, school untiform, textbooks, birthday/christmas presents, swimming lessons, or one of the multitude of things you end up spending money on when you have children

Surfermum · 29/10/2007 20:13

I agree, he should be paying child support while the child is at school. If she opted go through the CSA he'd have to pay 15% of his salary directly to her, or to the CSA and on to her. They wouldn't take into account anything you were choosing to give to the child.

Original poster
kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 20:15

Ok Ok so before we all start jumping in and making assumptions and judging us prehaps I should make you aware that the x works only part time and manages to go out every weekend, on holiday 5 times this year (without the kids) and the dc are constantly on the phone saying that there is no one to let them in or there is no food in the house, so lets not get onto our moral high horse hey hallowdam.
We give the kids alot more than pocket money we paid for them to go to private school, even though they didn't want to but the x stuck her oar in and made sure no other school would accept them.
We have 3 kids 2 and under, we can't actually afford to pay our mortgage this month so you will have to forgive me for not wanting the money to go direct to financing her holidays and MASSIVE house.

OP posts:
colditz · 29/10/2007 20:17

Your ex actually has more than three kids though, doesn't he? And whether or not he likes the mother, or agrees with what she spends on (and yes she does indeed sound like a nightmare) he wants to be damned certain he's abiding by the law.

What about having the 17 year old live with you? Then the money your dp is spending on him is definately going to him!

Original poster
kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 20:18

she could be spending it on the child's clothes, yeah I know that she is spending it on thier clothes, like her they wear nothing but designer lables, while my kids have hand me downs and tesco clothes, thank god for tesco and primark is all I can say.

OP posts:
colditz · 29/10/2007 20:20

But it's not her fault your partner chose to have more kids.

Original poster
kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 20:21

We would have the 17 year old live with us but we only have a 2 bed house with 6 month old twins and a 2 year old my dh has to sleep downstairs on the couch with one dt as they can't both fit into our bedroom and don't sleep well enough to go in wiht dd1, plus the fact that we live in london and they live in Wales and don't want to move away from their firends etc

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tissy · 29/10/2007 20:21

yes you should be paying maintenance for all of dh's children, regularly, not on an ad hoc basis, until each child leaves school.

As it happens, with dh's ex's agreement, we paid maintenance for dh's son into an account for him to access. I don't know how he spent the money, or even if he has spent it all yet. I say we, as the money was paid by direct debit out of our joint account, even when dh was unemployed for 2 years.Dss is at university now, and we will continue to apy maintenance until he leaves.

TheHeadlessDuchess · 29/10/2007 20:21

How do his other children feel about your intentions to emigrate?

Original poster
kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 20:22

But it's not her fault your partner chose to have more kids.

Yes it's my fault, but it is not my fault that she can't live without her Polo matches and weekends away with the girls.

I don not begrudge giving the money of the kids I don not want to be financing her luxury lifestyle

OP posts:
colditz · 29/10/2007 20:23

I see, they are a long way awy then. Plus, as you say, no room.

well, if he can come to an agreement with his ex, maybe she won't get the csa involved - so remember to send cheques, not cash, as they are tracable.

tissy · 29/10/2007 20:23

thread has moved on a bit.....

ellehcim · 29/10/2007 20:24

Really sympathise with you but I would be paying the money and hoping that things remain "amicable" and she doesn't go trotting off to the CSA for back payments of 15 per cent of salary for the past however many years.

colditz · 29/10/2007 20:24

How is she maintaining a luxery lifestyle if your partner isn't giving her any money?

And just because she is well off doesn't mean they aren't his kids and he doesn't have a financial and moral obligation to support them.

If he couldn't afford to have more children, he shouldn't have had more children.

Original poster
kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 20:25

How do his other children feel about your intentions to emigrate?

they both want to come with us and we have said when we finish working our arses off and can finally afford to get out to OZ that they are more than welcome to come with us.

Don't try and turn this into us being bad parents, because it is not about that as I have said we full intend to support his children but I want to know if there is any way to not give the money directly to her

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NineUnlikelyTales · 29/10/2007 20:26

You wouldn't be financing her luxury lifestyle. Your DH would be paying his share towards bringing up his son. TBH I am astonished the boy's mother has let him get away with giving random handouts until now.

Original poster
kneehighinnappies · 29/10/2007 20:26

How is she maintaining a luxery lifestyle if your partner isn't giving her any money?

because she lives just around the corner from "mummy and daddy" who to say the least are worth a few million.

OP posts:
colditz · 29/10/2007 20:27

Ok.

I'm not going to be drawn into this, I can sense feelings are going to run high.

So in answer to the question

"Does she have the right to demand money from us?"

Yes she does.

NineUnlikelyTales · 29/10/2007 20:28

But that isn't any of your business, and the boy's grandparents aren't responsible for paying for his upkeep - that is his mother and father's job.