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Money matters

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Original poster

New partner has just told me his debt....how worried should I be?

72 replies

heinz1057 · 09/09/2020 12:26

Been with new partner now for 3 months. We are both early 30s. He told me from the start that he had fairly large debts racked up from a couple of years ago. Said he went off the rails a bit, was depressed, basically let things spiral out of control.

He told me last week that the actual amount is just over £40k. I'm not sure whether he has a repayment plan etc, because it's a fairly new relationship, I don't want to pry or sound too judgmental.

He appears to have it more under control now and says that if he keeps going at his current rate he will pay it all off in 4 years.
He has a good job with a decent salary. He also has a house which he is trying to sell which will cover most of it but has not had much luck getting viewings. He had a 2nd job on the side too, although that has dwindled now with covid.

I'm not going to lie, even though he is obviously taking it seriously and trying hard to get back on track, the amount of debt is making me feel uneasy...how worried should I be? Is there anything I can advise him to do to help?

OP posts:

upsidedownwavylegs · 09/09/2020 12:35

I’d run a mile personally.

Itsrainingnotmen · 09/09/2020 12:39

Imo no need to mention it for 4 years.
Not your business.. Don't make it so. Make sure he still contributes financially to your relationship.. Being in debt isn't a Free to Sponge card...

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2020 12:39

Why is he selling his house to pay off the debt? Where will he live?

tigerbear · 09/09/2020 12:40

I’d just see how things develop as any normal relationship would. 3 months in is quite early, so just see how things go.
It’s not like moving in together is on the cards, so I wouldn’t worry at this point.
(As long as he also has cash put aside for actually being able to sustain the fun things of a relationship, ie going out, restaurants, holidays, etc. If he leaves it to you to pay for all this stuff, it obviously puts a different slant on things).

It sounds like he’s been honest with you about exactly what his situation is, and has a clear plan to pay it off.

Lamentations · 09/09/2020 12:43

This is the same as someone telling me they used to gamble or take drugs. Life is ups and downs so what happens when that inevitably happens again? If by that time you are married that's your problem now. I'd cut my losses because it would worry me to much.

tigerbear · 09/09/2020 12:44

My DP told me very early on in our relationship that he’d been bankrupt over 10 years ago due to a failed business, which sounds scary, but since then he’d bought a house, and been working in a stable job for years. He now has savings etc and is very sensible with money (better then me), so not every horrendous situation from the past is necessarily a red flag.

unmarkedbythat · 09/09/2020 12:48

Plus points, he told you from the start, no attempt to hide it, he has a plan for repayment, he has a good job, a house and a second job.

I wouldn't be put off by the existence of the debt with all those things balancing it out, but I wouldn't be interested in combining finances or living together for a very long time!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 09/09/2020 12:49

I'd only be worried if you were looking for a husband. Potential husbands need to be debt free or thereabouts really. As a boyfriend, I'd say it was fine. (as another PP said as long as he's got money to date and do the fun things)

ForeverRedSkinhead · 09/09/2020 12:56

I was in debt when I met my now husband , I told him within a couple of months of dating. I told him about my repayment plan and how long and how much the payments were etc. I was completely honest and also confirmed that I had cut up my cards and had a basic current account.

He listened and was okay with it all.

If you're not okay with this then I'd stop dating him now. It's just like anything else op , if it puts you off then that's that.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2020 13:01

@ForeverRedSkinhead was it as much as £40k though? I would run a mile from that level of debt.

ForeverRedSkinhead · 09/09/2020 13:04

@HollowTalk , it was about a 10th of that amount. And it came from having to flee an abusive relationship with my kids and furnish a new property.

ComtesseDeSpair · 09/09/2020 13:11

I’d be wondering why a new boyfriend needed or wanted to tell you about his debt. Is he laying the groundwork for asking you to help him out, or you paying for more of your dating expenses because you feel sorry for him?

I appreciate that my opinion on finances sometimes lies at odds with that of other MNers but as far as I’m concerned my finances are entirely my business until I reach the stage of combining mine with somebody else’s. How I manage my money certainly wouldn’t be something I’d disclose to somebody I’d been dating for 12 weeks.

FixTheBone · 09/09/2020 13:14

It only becomes an issue if the relationship develops and you either start to enter into joint financial relationships - bank accounts, loans, mortgages, rentals etc.

Be explicit from the start, that you will not take on previous baggage, and cannot help pay it off - every penny you spend on his debt, is a penny you haven't saved for yourself.

Both my wife and I had debts of over £40k each from student loans, bank loans to cover child minding whilst at uni and before our salaries improved, car purchases etc. After 14 years of marriage, we're now just about there, both in terms of paying all the debts off, and being open and honest with each other about finances.

I think if you can sort out the open and honest, from both sides early on, and, it sounds like he's at least trying to, then it isn't an instant red-flag, but you need to be very clear where the financial lines in the sand are drawn.

unmarkedbythat · 09/09/2020 13:15

I imagine it's because he knows a lot of people would be put off by it and if OP was one of those, better to have her run away at the start than a few months in?

WeeMadArthur · 09/09/2020 13:17

I think I would like to know what he had spent it on myself, if it’s gambling or drugs then it’s an obvious red flag, and late twenties is a bit old for letting spending spiral out of control, people usually have their heads screwed on by then. I would ask him more about it and if he is honest with you then you need to have a serious think about whether someone who is bad with money is someone you want to be spending your life with. If he won’t discuss it then I would be offski.

VettiyaIruken · 09/09/2020 13:19

I wouldn't be worried as long as it remained HIS debt.
So I for example wouldn't move in together, wouldn't have a child and so on.
But I'd carry on dating him.

managedmis · 09/09/2020 13:22

I'd want to know why he borrowed 40 grand, and the interest rate he's daft enough to pay.

MyOwnSummer · 09/09/2020 13:22

The key thing here is where the money went - a one-off life issue like divorce, redundancy, or similar, that could be fine. As he has a repayment plan to get rid of it.

Gambling, fuck no. Random overspending - that is a hard habit to break too, see the countless threads on here from people who are married to idiots who keep digging themselves into the same damn hole.

slipperywhensparticus · 09/09/2020 13:23

No moving in together no children no financial ties that means no living together marriage what's mine is yours can fuck off dont put your name onto as much as a mobile phone contract

Nothing

AriettyHomily · 09/09/2020 13:34

Depends what he spent it on

Original poster

heinz1057 · 09/09/2020 13:37

All good points. We are nowhere near joint finances and I wouldn't let that happen until he was debt free etc.

He spent it on travelling after splitting up from a long term relationship, and also some private therapy for a depressive episode.

He is pretty skint most of the time, so our dates tend to be cheap and cheerful (picnics and walks etc) which doesn't bother me at all but I would like to go on holiday soon! I suppose that's a good thing as I think I'd be more concerned if he had all this debt and still wanted to blow money on fancy restaurants/holidays etc!

So annoying as everything else in the relationship is near perfect, I'm happier now than I have been for a very long time!

OP posts:

JemimaTiggywinkle · 09/09/2020 13:40

I think it’s positive that he’s mentioned it to you, especially at quite an early stage.. he obviously doesn’t want it to be a secret that comes out later and spoils the relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2020 13:47

Run for your life, especially if you want marriage and/or children in your future. If he's so skint, how will he ever pay that debt off?

Run Run Run.

BooFuckingHoo2 · 09/09/2020 13:50

I would run a mile.

You’ve mentioned you want to go on holiday OP - realistically he’s not going to be able to do that for a good while unless you end up footing the bill!

Knowhowufeel2 · 09/09/2020 13:55

Is he skint now because most of his spare cash is going on paying these debts off or because he's still shit with money? That answer would make a difference to me, but I also personally wouldn't get serious with someone who was so bad with money..it'll end up causing no end of problems/arguments.

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