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Original poster

New partner has just told me his debt....how worried should I be?

72 replies

heinz1057 · 09/09/2020 12:26

Been with new partner now for 3 months. We are both early 30s. He told me from the start that he had fairly large debts racked up from a couple of years ago. Said he went off the rails a bit, was depressed, basically let things spiral out of control.

He told me last week that the actual amount is just over £40k. I'm not sure whether he has a repayment plan etc, because it's a fairly new relationship, I don't want to pry or sound too judgmental.

He appears to have it more under control now and says that if he keeps going at his current rate he will pay it all off in 4 years.
He has a good job with a decent salary. He also has a house which he is trying to sell which will cover most of it but has not had much luck getting viewings. He had a 2nd job on the side too, although that has dwindled now with covid.

I'm not going to lie, even though he is obviously taking it seriously and trying hard to get back on track, the amount of debt is making me feel uneasy...how worried should I be? Is there anything I can advise him to do to help?

OP posts:
ALLIS0N · 09/09/2020 13:58

£40k is a lot to spent on holidays and therapy after ending a LTR. Most people I know manage with a few bottles of wine/ gin, ice cream / chocolate and lots of tearful phone calls with their mates. Maybe a few counselling sessions at a push.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 09/09/2020 13:58

It really depends about how it is affecting his daily life, but believe me, it's so easy to get into a large amount of debt.

Apparently Barack Obama and Michelle only completed paying off their student debt when they were in the White House, and although the student debt in the USA is not in the same league as the universities here, it gives an idea about the mentality of living with debt.

Northernsoullover · 09/09/2020 14:03

I met my partner when I was 25k in debt. I spent it all living beyond my means in my twenties. Then a series of unfortunate events meant I couldn't pay it off. I am now debt free and have savings and am completely debt averse. However, we never mixed finances, we already had children and we still don't share a home. If we had been at that stage in our lives it would have put a terrible strain on our relationship.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2020 14:29

[quote ForeverRedSkinhead]@HollowTalk , it was about a 10th of that amount. And it came from having to flee an abusive relationship with my kids and furnish a new property.[/quote]
So glad you managed to get away. £4K was a small price to pay for that.

StormTreader · 09/09/2020 14:30

It sounds positive to me - hes faced up to it, hes actively paying it off, hes been up-front with you about it.

I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who owns up to mistakes and problems and puts in steps to fix it, you never know what life will bring you.

caringcarer · 09/09/2020 14:32

At least he is being honest not trying to hide it and being sensible having cheap dates. It is a lot of debt but if he has a house and can clear some of it off then he is at least being responsible. How much has he already paid off?

HollowTalk · 09/09/2020 14:33

So he's blown all that money and that means you (as well as him) have to pay the price in terms of having a very restricted lifestyle. I wouldn't stay with someone like that. It shows his character and tbh I wouldn't want the inequality of wealth.

Batshitbeautycosmeticsltd · 09/09/2020 14:33

I'd run a mile.

HollowTalk · 09/09/2020 14:34

Where does he intend to live when he's sold his house?

BloodyMiserable · 09/09/2020 14:35

I think it's a red flag. My ex-P had 15K debt when we met - apparently because of his ex Confused

However he did repay it fairly quickly through work bonuses.

But it was a bigger sign of him being unable to manage his finances & it had a huge impact on our relationship.

I'd proceed carefully if you are looking for a life partner.

No problems if you just want a shag! Grin

bumbleb33s · 09/09/2020 15:03

Years ago my best friend met a guy and found out early on that he was in a lot of debt, he cleared pretty much most of it by they time they were ready to move in together. They then got married and had children. A few years down the line she found out he'd continued, behind her back, to rack up debt on credit cards/store cards/loans etc and as they now had joint finances she was liable.

I would be worried that he would continue to live off credit and down the line it becomes your problem,

ForeverRedSkinhead · 09/09/2020 15:13

Hmmm , reading on , I think I'd be worried op.

40k is a lot of money for a holiday and some therapy sessions. Are you sure you have the complete story?

Also , will you really be happy with cheap dates and no holidays for 4 years?

user1493494961 · 09/09/2020 15:26

He's not a keeper.

Original poster
heinz1057 · 09/09/2020 16:19

I think all the responses here have made me realise I need to ask him to tell me the full story. I do see this man as someone I would like a serious relationship and for me to consider that I need to know the extent of the problem. As it's only 3 months I've not wanted to ask him too many details for fear of being seen as prying but he is very keen for this to be more serious so I guess if that's what he really wants then he should have no problem understanding why I need to know.

My gut feeling is that he has been honest with me about a period in his life that he admits went down the pan. He basically lived well beyond his means for 3/4 years.

I suppose I need to know whether he has learnt from it or if it's likely he'll make similar mistakes again.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2020 16:25

I would cut my loses and move on, quickly. Stay with him and his debt will also impact your life, there's no avoiding it. Why bring this upon yourself? He clearly has deeper problems than you realise. Irresponsible, immature, horrible with money, gambling, the possibilities are endless.

LadyFrumpington · 09/09/2020 16:27

£40k!!! 😲😲😲
Run.
Dont look back

Orangecake123 · 09/09/2020 19:42

I personally would only accept student loans, but for a real chance at this relationship you need to have a real conversation and know the full details and make sure he was actually tackling the debt and not just giving you lip service.

Do you think you could put up with only picnics and no holidays for maybe the next five years?

Also be aware of becoming the person who pays for everything.

lotsolove · 09/09/2020 19:47

I wouldn't touch him with a barge pole.

blue25 · 09/09/2020 22:53

Red flag. I’d also run a mile I’m afraid.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2020 11:49

He wouldn’t be for me, but similar financial approach to life is very high up my priority list.

4 years is a long time to be going on picnics and walks, if you don’t want to be paying for him 🤷🏻‍♀️

Tbh, I’d want far more detail from him - but information that dating for 13 weeks really wouldn’t entitle me to!

If this was a while ago and it’s £40K now, what was it before? I mean - just how much effort to pay it off has he made? The debt might have increased due to interest rates, but let’s just say it was always £40K - why has it taken that long for him to decide he’s selling his house to pay it off?

And is that the reason he’s selling? It’s not impossible, but it’s usual that selling a house reduces outgoings for a similar sized rental. Is he downsizing? Going to a house share?

Tbh, I’d want to see the entire history of the debt management to give him a chance - and after 13 weeks, that’s just too much to ask.

Cocomarine · 10/09/2020 11:50

*unusual

keepingbees · 10/09/2020 11:58

Wouldn't be a deal breaker for me, although I understand why it would be for some. I would be very cautious though.

We all mess up and make mistakes. People handle things differently, no one is going to have sailed through life without messing up at some point.
The key thing is him recognising what he's done, sorting it out responsibly, learning from his mistakes, and being honest about it. All of which it sounds like he's doing.

My DH had debt when we met. He admitted he'd messed up. He cleared it, got his credit score back up, we got a mortgage, and he's actually very responsible with money now.

areyoubeingserviced · 10/09/2020 11:58

I don’t know Op.
I am all for given people chances, but a debt of 40k would terrify me.
I would be concerned about his attitude to money and what this would mean if I decided to pursue a serious relationship with him.
If you choose to continue to date him, keep everything casual. Don’t move in with him and don’t loan or give him any money .

Showandtell1 · 10/09/2020 12:02

No no no and nope. No way.

nettie434 · 10/09/2020 12:24

I think it's a good sign that he has told you about his debt, has got a plan to repay it, and is not over spending now. I think 3 months is too soon to ask more than he has told you already. It would be different if you were looking to rent or buy a place together. A lot depends on whether you want the relationship to progress.