New partner has just told me his debt....how worried should I be?

[heinz1057]

Been with new partner now for 3 months. We are both early 30s. He told me from the start that he had fairly large debts racked up from a couple of years ago. Said he went off the rails a bit, was depressed, basically let things spiral out of control.

He told me last week that the actual amount is just over £40k. I'm not sure whether he has a repayment plan etc, because it's a fairly new relationship, I don't want to pry or sound too judgmental.

He appears to have it more under control now and says that if he keeps going at his current rate he will pay it all off in 4 years.
He has a good job with a decent salary. He also has a house which he is trying to sell which will cover most of it but has not had much luck getting viewings. He had a 2nd job on the side too, although that has dwindled now with covid.

I'm not going to lie, even though he is obviously taking it seriously and trying hard to get back on track, the amount of debt is making me feel uneasy...how worried should I be? Is there anything I can advise him to do to help?

I’d run a mile too.

We’d not be matched on values and that would mean the relationship wouldnt likely last anyway.

£40k from living beyond his means is a frightening amount. He must have been living ludicrously beyond his means.

I built up £8k of debt over two years through living beyond my means (and needing a new boiler while on maternity leave) so I do understand how it starts to happen. I'm chipping away at the credit card debt and have got it down to £3k. As I reduce the debt I'm having my credit card limits /overdraft limit reduced so that I can't rack this up again. So even though I feel as though I've learned my lesson there's obviously a part of me that thinks that I need to not have this credit available to me to absolutely ensure that I don't use credit cards for living expenses again.

In a nutshell, the fact he's done this once means that he could well do it again. I would never share finances with someone who had collected this much debt purely from living beyond their means. Nor do I think dating someone who won't have any disposable income for the next four years would be acceptable to me.

My gut feeling is that he has been honest with me about a period in his life that he admits went down the pan.

I mean this as nicely as possible, but your "gut feeling" doesn't mean fuck all. You barely know this man. I would be wondering what other surprises he has in store. £40k in debt for living it up for a few years is beyond unbelievable.

Does ‘living beyond his means’ mean a cocaine habit? I’d definitely want to eliminate that.

I had debt when I met my husband, it was from my previous relationship breakdown when my outgoings exceeded my income. He was always aware, I was paying it off before we met, I carried on and despite him offering to pay, I paid it all off on my own.

We have been happily married for years with no financial problems. He is the yin to my yang and it makes a good partnership.

Some people get into debt and it's the making of them, it can mean that going forward they become very sensible with money.

As for now, if you both think the relationship has legs, then at some point you need to know his game plan regarding this. As it may affect your ability to buy a house together etc etc.

'He appears to have it under control' is not remotely close to 'He has it under control'. My gut feeling says this debt will be his excuse for the inexcusable throughout the relationship and it shows that he has terrible habits. £40k is too big to overlook. That's 'addiction' big.
The fact that you're here asking for opinions shows that deep down, you're skeptical. Your inner voice is talking to you. Listen to it.

I'd be wary. What's his plan when he sells his house? Not move in with you I hope not even 'for a little while until he's back on his feet'.

I'd be wary. What's his plan when he sells his house? Not move in with you I hope not even 'for a little while until he's back on his feet'.

Exactly. The classic sob story. Straight out of the cocklodger's handbook.

@heinz1057

Gosh, that amount of debt makes me feel quite queasy and would make me think twice about continuing with this relationship, sadly.

Just how much is "just over £40k." and what was the size of the debt before? How long has he been working on clearing it?

I do have sympathy with:

Said he went off the rails a bit, was depressed, basically let things spiral out of control.
and it's great he's working to turn the corner but he's still pretty stuck.

His house sale isn't working out at the moment but, in any case, it doesn't sound like the equity will clear the debt? Has he got somewhere else to live, independently of you, once the house is sold?

The second job has "dwindled". He's still in a tough spot and I'm unsure, in your position, I could handle that for the next four plus years and would worry about further similar problems in the future once the debt was paid.

I've had some involvement in past years of dealing with and paying back debt incurred by a close relative, which took several years, and taking a second job myself in order to make the payments.

Maybe something to think about? Good luck OP. 🌹

@HollowTalk

So he's blown all that money and that means you (as well as him) have to pay the price in terms of having a very restricted lifestyle. I wouldn't stay with someone like that. It shows his character and tbh I wouldn't want the inequality of wealth.

This. You’ll end up leading a very restricted life because of his past travels beyond his means. I’d move on.

@heinz1057 - sorry but I'm adding to the chorus of voices on this thread saying 'red flag alert'

He might well be a nice bloke, but one to keep at arm's length as a good friend only. £40,000 is a heck of a lot of debt to rack up - very extreme. I would be concerned as to what other extremes lie in wait.

I also think he’s sowing the seed of the idea of moving in when his house is sold, he’s playing a “vulnerable needs rescuing” role and the worry is if you start trying to help him. It’ll be small things at first and before you know it he’ll have moved in, be paying little or no money towards anything and expecting you to foot the bill for his life.

Personally that would be a deal breaker for me, I'm good with my money, I'm a saver rather than a spender and ideally wNt the same in a partner. £40k is a lot of money.

Okay

Wow 40k is a lot

I am someone who has run up debt, in secret. Twice. I lied to my DH both times.

First time it was about 1k second time just shy of 2k. Not ground breaking amounts, but too much. It was the lies that was the biggest problem.

This time, the second time. I took control and I learned from my mistakes. I was a chronic over spender who would use shopping (even for crap stuff) as a way to fill a void in me.

Today, 12 months on , those debts are clear. And for the first time in my life I'm sat with savings in my personal savings account, the correct amount of money in my current account and zero debt.

Whilst also contributing to the family savings pot - 25% of my salary, and my share of the family bills

So, I tell you this, because it's not always a habit you can't break. For me, I've learned to love saving. I actually don't see the money in my savings account as "money to spend" I see it as "money for a big thing" and in my head, and in my phone, I've a "to do" list of big ticket things I want to do and buy: Singapore F1 tickets and flights, a boob job, etc.

So it can be something that he may have control of now. But, he needs to be able to reassure you of that.

My DH can check my budget spreadsheet and my bank statements any time he wants, randomly with no warning (well he'd have to ask me to log him in) and I know if he did (he doesn't) it would match to the penny. And I love that.

But it takes work and effort. And also 40)k is a fucking lot of money.

ust over £40k. I'm not sure whether he has a repayment plan etc, because it's a fairly new relationship

IMO knowing what he has in place is much more important than knowing the total amount. With a robust plan in place , you would know when he expected to have it paid off. That would tell you how you'd life might be impacted - or not.

Just ask him.

His credit rating will be badly compromised by £40k debt, which will place the burden primarily on you if for example you decide to get together formally in 2-3 years time and want to enter into financial arrangements such as a mortgage, any unsecured debt like a car loan etc.

It's impossible for any of us to advise you whether he is a super-special person who has made bad financial decisions and has learned his lesson the hard way, or whether he is a feckless loser who has racked up massive debts that will taint the next 4+ years of your relationship.

At least he was decent enough to come clean, that's the least he could do. It hardly sets up a carefree time in the first years of your relationship, that's for sure. Money worries can grind a relationship down.

What a lovely story @JustFrustrated an amazing achievement!

@Rainbowshine

I also think he’s sowing the seed of the idea of moving in when his house is sold, he’s playing a “vulnerable needs rescuing” role and the worry is if you start trying to help him. It’ll be small things at first and before you know it he’ll have moved in, be paying little or no money towards anything and expecting you to foot the bill for his life.

This.

You've been seeing this guy for a short time, he's not a 'partner'. And already consigned to years of drinking water and going for bloody walks unless you foot the bill.

You should be having fun in this period.

Oh boy!

For starters he’s NOT a partner he’s barely even a boyfriend - I say this not out of pedantry but I’m wondering if HE is the one who refers to himself as your partner as a way to make you feel committed/obligated towards him?

I would advise you run for the hills to be perfectly honest.

I have a branch of my family which are well known as con artists and this is EXACTLY the kind of thing they would do:

Love bomb a new date
Make out it’s a serious relationship.
Take of woe re debt “due to unfortunate and unforeseen circumstances, not my fault”
Home being sold to cover debt - makes them superficially APPEAR to be taking responsibility for the debt but...
oh what a surprise, house is sold but the place they were moving into for some strange reason has fallen through and they’re about to be homeless...

As their “partner” you feel obliged to “be kind” and help out, possibly even only on a temp basis...

But once they’ve got their feet under your table you’ll find they’re difficult to shift!

It’s a well known scam!

How are your finances op? Have you seen genuine proof of this good well paid job they supposedly have?i mean beyond their spending habits and possibly meeting a “colleague” who could easily be part of the scam? Very doubtful you have in the short time of 3 months!

Covid unemployment and income reduction is a very convenient excuse at the moment for con artists.

His vague “on travelling” means it would be hard for you to verify that’s what he’s spent it on, plus his having a supposedly good, well paid job for me suggests there’s potential for him to try and borrow off you on the basis of a “bonus” being promised down the line and “I can pay you back then with interest”

Definitely don’t fund him for holidays etc!

IF you stay with him be on the look out for even hints of you “helping him out” from smaller things like you footing the bill for dates to potentially him angling to move in far sooner than you’re ready for!

but he is very keen for this to be more serious I thought as much!

Go very very careful here op. Read up on “love rat” con artists and see if anything rings a bell...

I’m fairly certain you’ll find there’s a few things!

To be honest even if he’s “just” shit with money, that’s a miserable and stressful way to live!

Be VERY VERY cautious op. I’m seeing several red flags here that align with things I know those relatives have done.

He wants rescuing. And for you to foot the bill. Run a mile. Seriously.

I would happily pay off £1k of a partners debt - understandable how that happens, but £40k smacks of general irresponsibility. Enormous debt to have run up having fun (and he knew he didn't have the money!)

Did he do drugs after his breakdown? Use prostitutes? Doubt he would tell you these things if he did.

I hate being judgy, but this would enter my head if someone said a long term relationship breakup put them in 40k of debt.

Did he say where he travelled to and for how long and what he did? Therapy - what kind? I would want all the details before I made any further decisions about this man.

Debt makes me feel sick, I hate having a mortgage.