Would you notify husband/wife of big purchase?

[emz771]

Lots of zoom calls in lockdown and lots of debate with old friends.

Basically would you notify your wife/husband before a significant purchase that was just for you? A significant amount of money will mean different things to different people - but would you notify or do you both know what you can afford and get what you know you can?

We have separate accounts.

I recently bought something that was £600, dh knew nothing about it until it was delivered. He didn't bat an eyelid.

Some interesting replies for sure.

We have 'Rule' that we discuss any purchases over £100. I have broken that to buy a Phillips Lumea though lol! But more because I wanted to keep that purchase private (I try not to draw attention to how hairy I am lol!).

I do. I rarely buy anything for myself to be honest, except bike stuff and I usually feel guilty about that. I was brought up in a family with very little disposable income and I do find it hard to spend money on myself. Not that DH ever does anything other than look at me as if I am slightly mad and tellme to buy what I like with my money. He always does the same in reverse though.
Big household purchases we always discuss. My car is the family car really as DH has a company car and has little choice over what he gets. He drives mine nearly as much as I do, so it needs to suit us both. Plus he is far more interested in and knowledgeable about cars than me so I would be stupid not to seek his opinion. Anything to do with the house is a joint decision anyway.

My partner makes big purchases without telling me. This has included a family car and things for himself which cost over £100, £200, and even £1000. Although we can afford it, I think it's a bit weird to not say anything. I also know I couldn't use the joint account quite so freely without getting a big telling off. But he is the higher earner, by a long, long shot, so perhaps that's fair.

I agree I think it’s weird.

We are fortunate enough that finances haven’t been an issue for us for nearly 15 years now - if we want it we can afford it.

Having said that I would still feel odd coming home to my husband saying do you like my 100k Range Rover or 60k Patek Phillipe without at least giving him a call first! Not for permission just for respect.

Any big purchase that we use in the house is usually discussed, such as sofa, dining table, tv, bed, etc. We always talk about what item to buy, because we both have to agree and like it. It took us ages to decide on a new sofa and chairs, one that we both liked.
The only big purchase I made without involving my DH, was my steam generator iron, it was over £200, but he wouldn't care about an iron, he never uses it.
In terms of clothes, shoes, presents, I just buy them.
When it comes to cars I leave that up to him, but he wouldn't buy it if I said I didn't like it.

I was out shopping with my sister once and she bought a new dining table and chairs, at the time I said "don't you need to talk to your DH before you buy that, in case he doesn't like it". But she said as she was paying, it was her choice. I couldn't do that, it doesn't seem right to me.

Totally separate finances. DH bought a brand new car but didn't ask my permission. It's his money. He did ask me to go and look at it but only to advise on colour!!

He has no idea what I spend my money on.

We go halves on most holidays so do discuss that.

But we both have good incomes.

We would discuss any significant purchase beforehand

I spent £350 on glasses/prescription sunglasses without a second thought.
Same with my Philips lumea.

One off purchases that have no impact on shared monthly costs, no problem. Big purchases that would increase monthly costs for a long time, like car finance, would be discussed.

If he is expected to use or see it then I would but otherwise no. We have a joint account but only use it or joint bills. I might well ask what he thought because I trust his opinion but he wouldn’t blink if I didn’t (nor vice versa).

I wouldn't ever ask permission to purchase something I might run it by him if I was spending a significant amount of money purely because he might have other suggestions or some advise such as if I was upgrading my laptop or something I wouldn't run it past him if I was spending some money on clothes etc as that goes out of my bank account so I know what I can afford and that's fine. DH would mention something to me but not for permission he's extremely good with his finances works hard and can afford it again he wouldn't mention clothes etc to me. If I was to put a number on it I think anything over about £150 I might mention in passing.

In a healthy relationship it's normal to talk about things you're thinking of buying, so it would be a bit odd to make a major purchase without mentioning it to your partner, but there's also the issue about which 'pot' the money comes out of and whether or not the purchase affects the other person.

We split our money so we cover joint bills and savings and then each have equal amounts of spending money to spend on ourselves on how we see fit.

DP may or may not buy a new mountain bike costing several £k and the first I know of it will be when he asks if there is space on the credit card to pay for it, or whether I think he should look for an interest free deal because despite the cost being out of his spends, I have various schemes running to make extra bits of money from credit cards etc, or if it's a second hand one, he might need my help transferring the money to pay for it from the right account (he does have access to money but he's not interested and whereas I am interested, so look after the money and use it in the most advantageous way).

But I don't get involved in what could be months of research with him looking out for his N+1 - the looking is part of his hobby and then if he sees a deal he'll go for it, while I wouldn't even think of looking for a new thing until I actually needed it.

And I do often get a new car without consulting him, as I have a company car and I just order a new one that suits me when the time comes, and the first he knows about it is when I say 'the new car is coming in X weeks' although if I decided to opt out of the scheme, which I'm currently thinking of doing, I would discuss with him as he would want to do a lot of the maintenance himself, so I'd want his opinion on something he is happy for me to have, because I just want a reliable car that doesn't cost too much to run and is comfortable so as long as those boxes are ticked, I wouldn't care whether it was brand X or Y and if he said that a certain car had expensive tyres or known common faults, I'd want to take that into account in my choice.

But our own smaller purchases out of our own spending money, we don't generally discuss and I don't think putting a number on it is helpful, because you could have one person who spends little day to day, but makes the odd large purchase and may be spending less overall than the person who's constantly buying lots of cheaper bits and pieces.

All our stuff is shared. We mutually agree on big purchases from shared money. We also pay ourselves "spends" each month. So
If I was inclined to spend loads on something frivolous I have my own ring fenced pot of money to do it. It works for us. Neither of us have to justify personal spends and big joint spends are always discussed.

Actually, all joint spends are. If I spend £5 on amazon I'll mention I've ordered something, DH does the same. Just means we're keeping an eye on our monthly outgoing together and we share the load.

We don't make any purchases from our joint account as that is just for regular outgoings. We put money in a contingency fund each month for one offs - we would always discuss using an of that money.

In terms of our 'own' money - we only discuss anything over about £50 - not an asking permission thing but just a 'what do you think' thing really. We have been terrible with money in the past and have worked really hard to eliminate our debt so we are both a lot more careful now - we both try and regulate what we are spending much more than we ever have before and so chatting it over has saved a few spends that might have been in line with old habits.

We have a joint account which we both transfer x into and then our personal accounts. I wouldn’t ask for permission to buy something from my own account, but I recently looked at a purchased of over 2k and did ask for advice as he knows more on the subject. If it was us we 1k I don’t think I would mention it. But I imagine it would come up in conversation.

It tends to be similar to most here, that we chat about big purchases to make a decision. For eg when I bought my car, I sent him the link to the one I wanted and a couple of comparisons for his opinion. He just checked there was enough in the joint account.

I did recently veto a large-ish purchase he wanted. It was a super fancy Dyson to replace our current old but perfectly functional Dyson. After doing the hoovering for the second time in a year (lock down has been hard for him ) he decided that the hoover is rubbish and needs to be replaced. Our amazing cleaner is fine with it, as am I, the back up cleaner, so it's going no where.

Oddly I notified him for £100 educational software but not £300 clothes purchase.
So I think I'm judging based on "will he be worried it's not our purchase on the credit card".
Not permission.

It depends. From a financial perspective, if I was wanting to pay for it out of one of the joint accounts then absolutely I would discuss it, no matter what it was. If I was paying for it with my own money (we both have individual accounts too) I wouldn't discuss it just on financial grounds.

Then it depends what the purchase is. If it's something my partner has a reasonable interest in, something she will use or see as part of her environment then again I would discuss it. So furniture/carpets/major appliances for anywhere in the house other than my study then she absolutely has a say. Same with the car. We are a one car family and I wouldn't dream of buying a new car without us both agreeing on what one to get.

Yes we discuss things, but from this it appears our household budget is a lot tighter than the average Mumsnetter...
Take glasses for example. I would tell DH I'm off to the Opticians, he would ask how much roughly I expect new glasses to be, then make sure extra us in the current account. Same for birthdays, school shoes, the month they started swimming lessons so it was a double payment... All the irregular stuff that might make the month more expensive than usual. So it's not 'permission' as such, but money management... We are saving for a house deposit, us have an account for holidays, have to maintain our 'business' account at a certain level.

If we had several thousand lying around in the everyday account, it wouldn't need discussion!

In terms of cars, I would tell my DH if I was planning on buying a new car but I would certainly not be asking his permission! But once we have both paid the bills we do what we want with what money we have left. Last time I bought a new car we were driving home from Lidl and I saw a car I liked in the showroom on the way home (it was 3 years old and a small car so not hugely expensive) and asked DH to pull in as I liked the look of it. I went in, test drove the car and put a deposit down. I hadn’t even been looking for a new car before I saw it. DH was obviously aware of what I was doing because he was there but he certainly didn’t have any say in it!

Yes, I'd notify them.

depends. we each get our own cash out of joint funds. if i was spending joint funds yes definitely, if it was from my stash, nope.