Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Money matters

Find financial and money-saving discussions including debt and pension chat on our Money forum. If you're looking for ways to make your money to go further, sign up to our Moneysaver emails here.

Original poster

Husband refuses to have joint account

69 replies

CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 21:34

I have returned to work part time after the birth of my first child. As a result I am now earning far less - my husband was always earning substantially more than me and now this gap has widened. We have never had a joint bank account and while on maternity leave I lived on my savings.

I currently contribute to the mortgage, family bills etc the percentage of family income that I earn. I don't feel this is the best way as I don't feel I am paying for any one thing, just a bit of everything. My husband refuses to have a joint bank account as he genuinely does not trust anyone else - including me - with financial matters.

I would prefer for us both to pay our salaries into a joint account from which all 'family' bills are paid, and that we both take a small equal amount from that account each month to pay for our own luxuries. My husband won't agree to this and I cannot get him to understand the loss of independence I feel in relying on him financially, which is why I lived on savings during my maternity leave. He said I should ask him for money when I needed it but having always earned my own money I could not bring myself to do that. It would have felt demeaning and I know he would have kept a mental running total of how much he was giving me. During a recent conversation I said we are both contributing to our family financially, and he said 'no, not really' - as if my contribution is negligible despite working almost full time hours in 3 days and doing childcare for 2 days (and majority childcare on weekends - not sure why that happens but seems to be the way it is).

If we have another child and my income reduces further, I could not bear to have to ask for every penny I need and keep justifying what I am spending. Please tell me that someone out there has a sensible solution - or if they can help me articulate to my husband exactly what I find so hard about having to ask for the money. I'm normally pretty assertive but I just cannot get him to understand how undignified it would feel for me to keep asking for money.

This is getting really hard.

Help.

OP posts:
WaynettaVonSlob · 14/09/2007 21:46

Cardifmum - you obviously realise that this needs to be sorted out now before you go any further.
Before you met, I'm guessing you and your husband were independent people?
When you got together, you each knew how much the other earned, and that was fine?
Then you got married / started living together. What was the set-up then, assuming you were both still working?

BTW - based on your post your DH is an arse/

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 21:51

Well I wouldn't be happy about my dpnot trusting me with finances ( or his money by the sounds of your OP).

I suggest that rather than asking him for money you just contribute less to the bills and keep more of your money for your personal expenditure...

Do you both put in the same percentage of your salaries towards paying household expenses?

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 21:51

Before having our son we both split everything 50/50, even though he earned more than me, which you could argue maybe wasn't the fairest way but it didn't bother me then. The fact that he doesn't trust anyone with money and is happy to say so makes any conversations about money tricky.

If I was totally reckless and spent a fortune I wouldn't mind, but I'm careful and it doesn't seem to change his view.

None of my friends have experienced the same so looking for advice....

OP posts:
StarryStarryNight · 14/09/2007 21:53

I am not sure if this is going to work for you. We do it the following way, as we have separate accounts. I pay all the bills. Everything is going direct debit out of my account. I earn less than my dh. So of course there is going to be a HUGE short fall if he does not pay me. I dont ask for money. I tell him how much I MUST HAVE. He transfers, no question asked.

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 21:53

Hi Dropdeadfred - we both contribute a % based on our earnings, ie he earns 70% of the total so he contributes that much.
Just think we should think of it all as family money...

OP posts:
policywonk · 14/09/2007 21:54

Find out the going rate for a top-quality nanny (actually two nannies to cover round-the-clock duties), plus rates for housekeepers/cleaners. Multiply the daily rate by four (you say you do two days of childcare a week plus the weekends) and present him with an invoice at the end of each month.

He does sound like a twit.

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 21:55

Right...sit down and write down all the bills and total them up. Then work out what perentage of your salaries you should both contribute.

Since giving up work to have dd3 my DP actually pays me to compensate me for losing my salary as it was important for him that I stayed at home, but he also felt I shouldn't lose out financially and hence I still pay bills and feel that I have money of my own.

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 21:57

sorry, i xposted with you. So do you both have equal spending money left after paying bills?

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 21:59

hard to say as he's not transparent about money. he has savings etc but i have no idea how much.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 22:00

Ask him outright if he believes that the current setup is fair?

If he does then he really is an arse.

Sorry

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 22:01

He does, totally.

OP posts:
frogs · 14/09/2007 22:02

You are the mother of his children. You are now, collectively, a joint enterprise in which you make joint decisions about joint finances for the benefit of all of you.

Like policywonk says, work out the real value of your work in terms of replacing you if you got run over by a bus tomorrow.

Failing that, I'd suggest Relate -- he hasn't really got his head round the notion of family and joint responsibility.

WaynettaVonSlob · 14/09/2007 22:03

CardiffMum, how would your DH feel about you contributing a certain proportion of your salaries to the joint accoung, eg if you both contributed 70%, and had 30% to keep for personal account?

Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 22:05

Tell him you will either give up work and be a sahm and he will therefore be paying all the bills from now on...or state that you'd rather work fulltime and then as the higher earner he will be paying the childcare costs so that you can afford to contribute to the bills.
Also make sure that he then realises that childcare at weekends is strictly 50/50..(together preferably!)

Alternatively ask him to treat you with a little mor erespect and keep the arrangements the same..

welshdeb · 14/09/2007 22:08

my dh and I finances have gone from one end of the spectrum to the other.
When we both got together I earnt more money as I had a qualification and he was still studying. Since then he has overtaken me. I have also gone p/t so my income has gone down.
When we moved in together we decided to open a joint a/c and put in a proportion of our money in to pay household bills etc. The person earning more put most in, In the beginning it was me, now its not.
He "runs" the joint a/c , not because he is old fashioned but because he is an accountant and I can't be arsed basically.
This means we both get to keep a proportion of our salary each month which we can spend/ save as we want, and all the bills, shopping kids stuff etc gets spent from our jt a/c.

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 22:10

I guess at the heart of it all it's the lack of trust which is difficult to get past. It's almost as though he wants to keep our finances totally independent so there's no danger of me running off with his millions (I wish) if things ever went pear shaped.
Tips so far are great but i can't see them working in our situation.
Don't get me wrong, he does input into childcare - a lot more than some dads I know - but he just won't see finances in a family context.

Of all the friends I've discussed this with, they all say 'we pool everything because we're a family'. Seems easy when you put it like that...

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 14/09/2007 22:12

Okay, so if you didn't work at all how would he feel about paying for everything?

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 22:17

he probably wouldn't feel much different to the impression he gives now, based on his recent remarks.

he is very cautious with money anyway. if i hound him to spend money on major purchases OF THINGS THAT WE NEED, i hear him telling friends that i think money grows on trees - as if i am totally clueless about money. We have needed a new bathroom for 3 years and he says because he's paying for the majority of things he can't afford to pay for that as well so I should start saving if I want it that much.

OP posts:
TheDuchess · 14/09/2007 22:17

Have you articulated to him your perception of the lack of trust? I think this really sums up the situation.

We pool our cash in one joint account and have various pots in single named ISAs but only because they have to be in single names.

I think in your situation I would question the long term longevity of the relationship. Without trust, what is there?

professorplum · 14/09/2007 22:18

Do you have to ask for exact money for specific things suck as 'I need £1.26 for milk, or do you say 'I need £X to last the rest of the month? Its totally unreasonable for you to have to ask for money like a child. You are an equal partner and because you don't put a figure on your contribution to the family it doesn't mean that it has less value than his contribution.

I can't offer any practical advice as I have no income. Every week dh puts same amount of cash in my purse and another amount in my personal account. He pays all bills and I buy food, books, clothes, birthday/christmas presents.

As he thinks your contribution (financial) is negligible would your dh pay all bills so you could use your wages for your own stuff? Or is that totally impractical?

TheDuchess · 14/09/2007 22:19

On reading your last post I think he sounds like a pompous arse.

TheDuchess · 14/09/2007 22:20

On reading your last post I think he sounds like a pompous arse.

foxinsocks · 14/09/2007 22:22

I don't think the separate accounts are a problem per se. We have separate accounts and they will always remain this way.

In fact, I think the way you pay bills sounds quite sensible if not slightly clinical.

It's more his attitude to you that sounds wrong. Is he like this in every area (i.e. putting you down etc.) because that sort of thing is very wearing and completely unnecessary?

Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 22:25

professorplum - i don't ask him for any money now as I'm earning, and I didn't when I was on maternity. I paid for everything from my savings and SMP. Any bills now that relate just to me - my car, clothes, trips etc - I pay for from my wages. but if we have more children I worry about giving up work totally because I would then be totally dependent on his 'hand outs'.

For house bills - mortgage, bills etc - he asks me for a cheque every month to cover my 'share' which is 30%. So I basically get a monthly 'invoice' from him.

OP posts:
Original poster
CardiffMum · 14/09/2007 22:30

must defend dh to some degree - money is the only area that we have recurring disagreements about, but it's a biggy.

OP posts: